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groom doesn't approve of bridesmaid choice....ahh!

Long story short, I asked my roommate of about 5 years to be a bridesmaid. Unfortunately it was an impulsive action and I didn't talk to my fiance about it first. She hasn't been the greatest friend through the years and didn't approve of my relationship with my now fiance (in the beginning). Since then she has apologized for everything she's done and has been a really good friend over the past year. My fiance will not associate with her, and I don't really think she even knows he dislikes her.

So, my fiance wants me to remove her from the wedding party. He really doesn't even want her at the wedding. I'm having a hard time even thinking about doing this to someone, especially someone I care about.

What do I do?!

Re: groom doesn't approve of bridesmaid choice....ahh!

  • Why did she disapprove of your relationship with Fi at the beginning?
    Crosswalk
  • Your FI is wrong.  He gets to pick his GM, you get to pick your BM.  It doesn't have to be a joint discussion. 

    Kicking someone out of your wedding is a friendship-ending move.
  • In Response to Re: groom doesn't approve of bridesmaid choice....ahh!:
    Your FI is wrong.  He gets to pick his GM, you get to pick your BM.  It doesn't have to be a joint discussion.  Kicking someone out of your wedding is a friendship-ending move.
    Posted by goheels05
    Ditto. If she has been a good friend then why would you want to ruin that?
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  • i agree with heels- its not his choice. he picks his own and you pick yours.
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  • And why would you feel you had to ask FI first who you could have as a bridesmaid?


    FI & I agreed on 3 BMs and 3 GMs. Neither of us had to ask the other's approval as to who those people were.

    Crosswalk
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    What heels said.  Your FI is being really controlling here.  He gets no say over who stands up for you, and shouldn't get to dictate who you can be friends with.  He doesn't have to be friends with her, but she's still your friend.
  • He does not get to dictate your WP. If she has apologized and is on board with the relationship, then there is no reason she shouldn't be in the WP. Tellyour FI to go pick his groomsmen and keep his nose out of your relationships. Apparently you have forgiven her so he needs to as well.

    The only valid reason I could see for an FI objecting is if she was still objecting to the union, or he was sleeping with her or something as awful..
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  • I would talk with your FI about why he's so adamant about her.  I understand what the other girls are saying and you do have a right to have who you want on your side. 

    Remember you are entering into a marriage with this man so it is important  in getting to the root of this. Find out what why feels the way he does and tell him how you feel and that she has asked for your forgiveness for earlier episodes and that your friendship has been healed. 

     
  • too bad for him. i agree he sounds controlling. it's really not his concern who your friends are. just because he doesn't like someone doesn't mean you don't. why do i keep thinking of spencer pratt

    i'm thinking about have 2 of my exes as 'bridesmen' if they agree lol your wp is supposed to be family or close friends & they're my best friends. my FI doesn't like it but it's not up to him.
  • Maybe she disliked him in the beginning because he's controlling? FI would never dream of telling me who I could and couldn't have as a bridesmaid. Did he expect you not to invite your roommate to the wedding either? He sounds douchey. Maybe you're painting the wrong picture, but that's the impression I get.
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  • I'm honestly more concerned that he's trying to be so controlling.  Does he get that your friend has changed her position and that she now supports your relationship?

    Does he also get that by doing this she may go back to her original position?
  • I disagree that your fiance should have no input into your wedding party - I think this is really up to the two of you.  FI and I decided on our wedding party together, and we ended up with our own people (guys and girls) on our own sides, but that was really because he decided he wanted his sister as "best man."  If not for that, we would probably have put the girls on my side and the guys on his regardless of whose friends or siblings they were, but would still have had say on both sides.  I would still have said my brother is going to be in the wedding, even if it meant he was standing on FI's side.

    This is something you have to talk out.  If I hated somebody that FI wanted to have in the wedding party, I would certainly expect that we would discuss it together, and not that he would just say "too bad, this is my side."  I don't think that's controlling of me either.
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  • Your FI doesn't get veto power over your WP.  I didn't run my BMs past my DH for his approval, and he didn't run the GM by me for my approval.  Then again, neither of us had friends who disapproved of the match.  Your friend may have been worried because he seems to require his permission for a lot of things that should be up to you alone.
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  • If you remove her from the wedding party, you can consider that friendship over.
  • I agree with the PPs, like heels said, it's not really his choice.

    In my experience I have a friend who didn't approve of FI and I because we used to fight and were not a very great couple...long story short FI and I broke up and when I was telling my friend how much I missed him and that we really were supposed to be together she basically told me that I was an idiot and she would not support me and she didn't want to hear about it.

    Well FI and i did get back together (and could not be happier!) but she and I didn't talk for about a year and half, which was made harder by the fact we have tons of mutual friends....

    So about six months ago we talked for whatever reason and she apologized to me for us not talking and that she missed me. She didn't really say she was wrong for what she said and that even if she disagreed with me, she should've at least been there as a friend, no matter what.

    But FI does not want her at the wedding and for some things she has said, I understand. I think he would, however, change his mind if she apologized to us as a couple, or to him, which it sounds like your friends has done.

    But for us this is about iniviting a person who for a long time (and maybe now, i haven't felt the need to ask) did not approve of us, was downright mean about our relationship and did not apologize for what she did. Just for our friendship being messed up for so long.

    I think your FI needs ot be understanding since your friend has been a good friend lately. Your BMs are your decision and no one elses.
  • I personally think that yes your FI should have some sort of input- as well as he does yours. We all know that if you wrote that your FI got a best man that you disliked and was rude to you at one point we would all be freaking out.
    But now that you did it- just try and see if you can talk to him and what not and have planning deal with all your bridesmaids not just her....that way he has less contact. I mean its his wedding too- dont make it not amazing for him. The BM does a lot of chatting with the groom i am sure- at least from what i have seen-
    Good luck!
  • Ask him if he'd be ok with removing one of his groomsmen if you disliked him as much as he dislikes your bridesmaid.  My guess is no.  It's a really awful position that he's put you in.  It goes without saying that he's very controlling, but maybe his feelings are still very raw about her past behavior.  I hated my fiance's friend for a really long time because one night when we were hanging out, his friend started talking smack about him when he left the room.  Really nasty stuff was said.  I held onto that for a long time but when my guy and I discussed it, I felt better and I was able to let it go (and yes, that guy friend is one of our groomsmen)
    Maybe get your friend and your guy in the same room and all three of you have a conversation?  If your guy out and out refuses, you might want to contact a pre-marriage counselor because he's got some anger and control issues that should be worked on before you marry him.
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