I need interwebs hug (caution really long vent)

lennonkdc · May 2012

I am ashamed to admit that I just broke out in tears in my office. I'm at the end of my rope with all of it- my job, the status of my relationship, my other job, my family, my bank account-all of it.

CN: I'm a whiny brat who wants to say f-this sh!t b/c I hate my job, and my second job and I'm annoyed that 1) I'm scared to apply for my dream job; 2) BF and I need to buy a new car and 3) that we're not getting engaged/ married any time soon.

I hate my job, I work basically as a free lance Attorney for a guy who is one of the worst lawyers I've ever met. I hate what I do, which is made all the worse by the fact that 1) I am so grossly underpaid (kids flipping buggers make what I make) that its not even funny; and 2) I know exactly what I would enjoy do but am too chicken sh*t to apply for the job. So thanks to my 'full time' I'm broke, not learning anything of value, and a miserable person to be around. I also have to have a second job!

2 nights a week and every weekend night I host at a local restaurant. I deal with b!tchy customers and co-workers and bosses who won't let me serve or bar tend (even though I have 8+ years exp) b/c they need me at the front door, and I can't work days. Fine.

So now I work 60+ hours a week, at 2 jobs to make LESS then what I was making before I went to law school. BF is upset because we need to buy a new car, and he even put a deposit down on one b/c I told him I would do whatever I could to help him buy it. So now I'm on the hook for helping save up the down payment (its being built, won't come in till Aug.) I want him to have this car. I feel like a b!tch for being even a tad bit upset about him buying this car. He has supported me though law school and the bar exam, paying rent, bills, everything. I don't mind helping, it just means keeping the sh!tty part time job. And it means that all the money we're saving is going to the car, not, say a ring or a wedding. (and it means I can't take weekends off all summer.)

And I know we tell girls to 'be happy where they are' and I am, I really really am. BF and I are the strongest we have ever been. But do me a favor and look down at my ticker (the one under the one that say's I'm only 1/3 of the way to my goal weight...) Back? No, we didn't start dating in Jr High or HS. We started dating a month shy of my 23 birthday. I'm gonna be 32 next week and I am sick of the word boyfriend. I feel like a g0d damned teenager every time I say it. We know we want to spend our lives together, we've known for a long time. But we can't afford a wedding, and we want a 'wedding' (not a pot luck BBQ with dogs running amok.) Since I'm not really making enough to save for both a car and a wedding, and since we NEED a car, car comes first. But that means that engagement and wedding are put off even further down the line.

All of these things are tied together and I feel like I am stuck in this horrid Catch 22.

Any way, this is way long. If you've read it all, I thank you and hope I didn't come off as too whiny. I know that there are people out there who face so much worse, and when I think of them I feel like an a$$ for being upset about where I'm at. But I'm just having one of those days where its hard to keep it all in perspective.

/vent

lennonkdc · May 2012

how about a 60/40 comfort to advice ratio?

bethsmiles · May 2012

I'm sorry you are so frustrated. It sounds like you need to start looking for a new job ASAP. There is no point in complaining about your job situation if you aren't going to do anything about it.

I don't know what to tell you about not having enough to save up for a wedding (although obviously getting a better job would help with that). Only you can decide if waiting until you have enough money to pay for the wedding you want is worth not getting married any time soon.

*hugs*

Peaseblossom55 · May 2012

Hugs to you. I really think there is no reason to be scared to apply for your dream job. The best way to make things happen for you both in the future and to becoming happier is to search for a new job asap. Even if it's not in your field, even if it's something for now that just allows you to make more money and get rid of the part time job until that dream job does come along.

RWS2011 · May 2012

Lennon, first I want to express my sympathy for your current situation. While I don't know you well, I do know how hard you have to work to get where you are, and how unjust it must feel to not have those tangibles to show for it (ie. the better paying job, extra money for things like cars and ring). Also, I am just a year older than you and can completely relate to how childish I feel talking about my boyfriend, especially to my fellow PTO moms who are all married. Read as: yes I am a thirty something with a boyfriend and a "child out of wedlock." When you have been with someone for so long and know the bonds you have are strong, I know it can get under your skin that you are not moving forward, even if you are, for the most part, appreciative of the relationship you have.

Now for the advice part: I am not sure why you are afraid to apply for a different job. Is it fear of failure, lack of confidence in your skills? Either way, you can't let that fear stop you from even trying. My guess is that you are capable of more than you give yourself credit for. Is there just one dream job, or are there other jobs that would be better than your current situation that would help to prepare you for that dream job? Are there any other jobs slightly outside your field, but more along the "professional" lines that would get you out of the service industry. Would you consider teaching as a adjunct instructor at a community college? Basically, the job market is not great and you will have the greatest forward momentum if you are willing to get creative with your job search and don't let your fear stop you. If I am off base and this is not helpful, I apologize. I'll leave you with a big internet hug and the best of luck as you get through this time!

Swazzle · May 2012

First: HUGS. You're a strong woman to be able to deal with what you deal with on a day to day basis. If I were in your position, I would be on TK daily with a vent post like this. Don't be ashamed.

Now, Lennon, you are an intelligent, beautiful woman. Why on Earth are you scared to apply for your DREAM job? You made it through law school, the bar exam, you're dealing with a shithead boss, and asshole customers on a daily basis. How can you think a person that has gotten through & deals with all of that can't apply for a job that they know can turn everything around? It's more appealing for you to continue to work 60 hours a week & being completely miserable than taking the initiative & going for what you really want in life?

peekaboo2011 · May 2012

Lennon, that doesn't sound like a fun situation. I know it's got to be hard.

But do you remember six months ago how desperate I was to get into grad school and trying so hard to get that internship? Once I got it, it sucked. I took the plunge and applied for my second favorite option, and so many doors are open right now. I was scared to pieces applying for this job. Scared to pieces about my interviews. And here I am. I got the job. Because I swallowed my bile and told myself that if I was going to sweat through my nicest suit, it was going to happen after my interview. If I was going to throw up, I had a short window of 15 minutes and a toothbrush in my purse.

You are a strong woman. An incredibly strong woman. Look at the past 10 years. You've gone to law school, you've passed the fvcking BAR. You've done so much to be proud of. You have an amazing partner in all of this. And if you want to get married now, and your BF is on board with the courthouse, you can have the vow renewal in a few years. Once you have your dream job. Once you two have been through what seems like the darkest part of your life. You just have to remember that you aren't alone. And he is there for you. And we're here for you. I'm so proud to call you a friend Lennon. SO proud. You're an amazing woman.

(I'm going to harp on fear for another minute, and then I'll leave you alone with hugs)

I found a few quotes on fear for you:

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith" - Mary Manin Morrissey

"Decide you want it more than you're afraid of it." - Bill Cosby

"Many of our fears are tissue-paper thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them." - Brendan Francis

My point is that you can be terrified of applying for this job. But until you do it, your fear is holding you back. Lennon, you didn't go to law school to work for this asshole of a boss you have. You didn't pass the bar to have to take on a second job. You went to law school and passed the bar with this thing that you're afraid of in mind. And why are you afraid of it? Because it might help all of your dreams come true? Because you might hate it once you get there? You don't know what the outcome is going to be until you get there. You don't know what's going to happen until you try. And would you rather tell your kids about the time you jumped in and grabbed it? Or about the time you had the opportunity and took it harder than you ever took anything else and everything made sense?

I'm sending you lots of love and hugs Lennon.

Edited to add a lolcat. Since apparently they're required when I take off the snarkosaurus mask.

lennonkdc · May 2012

Thank you ladies, truly and from the bottom of my heart. I got all teary reading your kind words of support and I'm feeling very loved.

You are all right, I need to get off my a$$ and apply for my dream job. I've been afraid b/c frankly if it doesn't work out I'll be crushed. But then at least I'll know its time to move on. I'm afraid to branch out and just start applying for everything legal b/c I worry about not qualified. While I have tons of litigation experience (esp for a new Atty) I have no experience outside of criminal law (well save what I do now.) But, I'm a fast learner and hard worker, so maybe that will help.

As for the situation with BF, I know that adults have to make difficult decisions, and the one we've made is to wait untill we can afford a wedding. Even though every rational part of my brain is on board with that plan, there is this whole irrational side that pops up and screams "I want my PPD now, Damn it!" That side got the better of me today.

I will keep you all updated on my job search. This is a p/r b/c I have to go to my craptastic second job, but I'll check back when I get home.

Thank you all again!

polkadot111 · May 2012

Hugs. I'm sure it's horrible feeling to be in a sucky job, not be engaged yet (after so many years)... etc.

This may come across as harsh. But, why is your bf buying a BRAND NEW car- one that is still being built? If you NEED a new car, that's fine and understandable, but you don't need one that is completely new just being made. If he wants to get engaged and married too, then why would he want to buy this brand new car when you could save up that money and use it on a ring/wedding.

cu97tiger · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-need-interwebs-hug-caution-really-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3cca9650-1298-4328-8df1-cc42a3f0a8a8Post:4b5eed16-6b35-48c5-9aa9-382637eb8619">Re: I need interwebs hug (caution really long vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]Hugs. I'm sure it's horrible feeling to be in a sucky job, not be engaged yet (after so many years)... etc. <strong>This may come across as harsh. But, why is your bf buying a BRAND NEW car- one that is still being built?</strong> If you NEED a new car, that's fine and understandable, but you don't need one that is completely new just being made. If he wants to get engaged and married too, then why would he want to buy this brand new car when you could save up that money and use it on a ring/wedding.
Posted by polkadot111[/QUOTE]

<div>lennon, I feel really bad for the situation that you are in with your jobs. I agree with PPs that you need to apply for that dream job. You have 0% chance of getting it if you don't apply, so doesn't it make sense to at least give yourself a shot at it? If you don't get it, at the VERY worst, you'll be in the same spot you are now. </div><div>
</div><div>And now, to the bolded above... this was my first thought, too. If you are having to work two jobs, and scrimp and save to get a car, there are many better financial decisions than buying a brand new one. It may be too late, but if not, maybe you should consider getting a reliable car that will get BF around, instead of a shiny new one.</div>

ravenray · May 2012

Lemon I came on too late to give advice I just want to give you a hug and tell you how awesome you are and I know that you can do anything you put your mind too! *hugs*

leia1979 · May 2012

I'm sorry that you're so frustrated, and I understand why you're frustrated. But don't get yourself down. Think of the amazing things you have accomplished!

Please, please apply for your dream job. Are you scared of rejection? You're rejecting yourself by not even applying. Yes, you might not get it. But then you look elsewhere and if that's still your dream job, you try again later. I applied to the same company multiple times over the course of a year before I got hired, but the point is I eventually succeeded.

I also agree with Polkadot and Tiger about the car. Is he getting BMW from Germany or something? I understand needing a car, but when money is tight, there are reliable, economical used cars out there.

Remember that you are a strong, capable woman. Times are tough right now, but they will get better!

DanieKA · May 2012

I am also late with the advice giving, but I agree whole heartedly with much of what PP's have told you. By God, apply, woman! Do it! You are capable and strong. In regards to the other stuff, I just want to give you hugs! I know...I KNOW, what you're going through. I'm also contracting and working towards that dream legal job. This environment sucks!!!! I want nothing more than to be a proper public defender, working on people's right to a far shake. 10 to 15 years ago they were giving away these jobs. No longer. It's strained my self esteem, my wallet, my relationship with my family. Basically the only thing that's gotten stronger is my relationship with FI, who's seen how hard I work, and seen me cry, and seen me fret over my HUGE loans. I know from where you speak. I just want to offer massive hugs! You can do this! There is light at the end of the tunnel! I feel like at 30 I should have so much more figure out and after school that just didn't happen. I want nothing more than to be a productive, consistently working member of society, able to pay for a nice wedding. I have a feeling you feel the same. Know that I am, and we all are here for you. You can always pm me with rants. Chances are I have similar feelings. GIANT hugs! You got this!!! Also, if This sucks I'm on the mobile site, and also, I am drunk. True story. Thursday KUI! What, what!!!!!

lennonkdc · May 2012

Ladies, thank you all again for the kind and encouraging words. I am truly blessed to know such awesome women. And I have taken your advice to heart.

As for the car, its a Fiat 500 Abarth, his dream car. BF can afford the monthly payments on his own, so the final call on new car v. used was his. I promised to help with the down payment b/c 1) it will help bring down those monthly payments; 2) due to his having to financially support us for the past 2 years, his savings are a bit depleted; 3) it felt like the right thing to for someone who has given so selflessly to me. That said, the deposit is transferable to a cheaper car or refunded all together should we need to go that route.

Now onto the dream job, I will be applying next week, Tuesday at the earliest. I've been affraid to do so b/c I interned there my final semester of law school and, while they had in the past interviewed/ hired students pre bar exam for positions, they did not offer me an interview. I was told that 'they don't really do that' any more by the powers that be. But then I personally knew 3 interns after me that they did offer positions to. So I just figured that they didn't want me. However, you never know until you try, so...My mentor is reviewing my resume and cover letter, and as she also works there, and has promised to hand deliver my resume to the powers that be. When everything goes in I'll be asking for those awesome knottie vibes

Thanks again ladies!! You all rock!!!!!

NurseyK · May 2012

Ditto PP.

Hang in there!!!! Don't let fear trump hope!

aeiirl · May 2012

Apply for that dream job, it's better to know you tried and applied than to not try at all!

I need interwebs hug (caution really long vent)

Re: I need interwebs hug (caution really long vent)

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