Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!

bcbrown63 · December 2012

Warning: this is pretty long and really personal. I just really need some advice, and any that you can give me will be greatly appreciated.

Back story: my mom and dad got divorced when I was about 9. My mom raised me and my brother alone after that. Since then, he’s continued to steal from my mom, occasionally harass her via telephone, and the last time he even brought me into the middle of an argument. He has since moved thousands of miles away, but still occasionally contacts me via email and sends me birthday cards. I saw him this past summer because my grandmother (his mom) passed away, and my brother and I attended the funeral.

I’m getting married in 5 months, and am still completely undecided as to whether I should tell my father/invite him. I did not tell him that I was engaged last summer when I saw him (I wasn’t sure if I would invite him – didn’t want to cause conflict when his mother just died).

My mother has wanted nothing to do with him for years, and recently got remarried. She is paying for the wedding, and has told me she doesn’t want him there.

I just wonder if I’ll look back at my wedding and regret not having my father there. Even after all he’s done to my mom, I honestly feel like he loves me and my brother very much, but sucks at showing it (that kind of sounded like an enabling statement). Should I consider asking my mom to talk to him?

Any advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

EDIT: FORMATTING

StephBeanWed61502 · December 2012

Have you talked to your FI about this? I know for me, my H can be a really great source of outside perspective when I'm dealing with tricky family issues.

bcbrown63 · December 2012

FI has been great at lending an ear and offering advice, but he always makes sure to tell me that it's ultimately my decision. He thinks I should invite him. He's also had trouble with his father in the past, and they've since mended their relationship because his father was able to change his destructive personality. But I have come to grips with the fact that the chance my father will change is miniscule.

I'm just so terribly passive and try to avoid conflict at all costs, and I know that this will end up being one no matter what. I can't keep the fact that I'm getting married from him forever, and I can't invite him without potentially upsetting my mom.

I definitely need to think more on the fact that it could be a relationship ender if I don't invite him.

Thank you all so much for the advice, it's been tremendously helpful!

Peledreamsofrain · December 2012

This is a tough situation, and unfortunately nobody can answer if you will regret not inviting him. But I personally would be leery of inviting a proven thief to an event where monetary gifts will be lying about all night.

strlzfan11 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-invite-my-mia-dad-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77bb222a-8355-41b2-90be-e9827ccf6fe8Post:a18168cf-897e-4af1-ac23-00ca66d33506">Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Edie, I think that OP should think through the consequences of her actions, especially given her wedding is only 5 months out. That is what adults do, think about consequences of actions. Now it may be that OP can easily pay for the wedding herself. It may be that she is willing to downsize or delay it. But she start thinking about those issues.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

All of this is rich coming from you. Seriously?

QueerFemme · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-invite-my-mia-dad-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:77bb222a-8355-41b2-90be-e9827ccf6fe8Post:2077d144-367b-476c-bb51-5b40baf34c8b">Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Warning: this is pretty long and really personal. I just really need some advice, and any that you can give me will be greatly appreciated. Back story: my mom and dad got divorced when I was about 9. My mom raised me and my brother alone after that. Since then, he’s continued to steal from my mom, occasionally harass her via telephone, and the last time he even brought me into the middle of an argument. He has since moved thousands of miles away, but still occasionally contacts me via email and sends me birthday cards. I saw him this past summer because my grandmother (his mom) passed away, and my brother and I attended the funeral. I’m getting married in 5 months, and am still completely undecided as to whether I should tell my father/invite him. I did not tell him that I was engaged last summer when I saw him (I wasn’t sure if I would invite him – didn’t want to cause conflict when his mother just died). My mother has wanted nothing to do with him for years, and recently got remarried. She is paying for the wedding, and has told me she doesn’t want him there. I just wonder if I’ll look back at my wedding and regret not having my father there. Even after all he’s done to my mom, I honestly feel like he loves me and my brother very much, but sucks at showing it (that kind of sounded like an enabling statement). Should I consider asking my mom to talk to him? Any advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation? EDIT: FORMATTING
Posted by bcbrown63[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't consider asking your mom to talk to him, but I would talk to her about the fact that you are wavering on inviting him, and you are struggling with making that decision. She needs a heads up about that.

We did have a similar situation. My FIL was VERY abusive when my partner was younger. He was a drinker and used to regularly physically abuse the kids and MIL. My partner has a relationship with FIL now, and he has been sober for 10+ years. When we were planning the wedding, we weren't sure if we should invite FIL because of all of the hurt he has caused in the past. But, we decided we were going to anyway, and if there was any fallout, we would deal with it.

He did not get a special seat though, and family photos with him were done seperately. We made it clear to FIL, MIL and SIL's that no drama would be tolerated from anyone. If it was him, we would ask him to leave. If it was them, they would be asked to leave. I didn't want anyone starting anything.

There was no drama, and everyone respected the fact that it was our wedding day, and they could set their differences aside for 4 hours.

QueerFemme · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-invite-my-mia-dad-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:77bb222a-8355-41b2-90be-e9827ccf6fe8Post:7dfa98c3-f851-46b7-af73-e16e04732be9">Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]CMG, if anyone ever.ever told me my abuser would be there AND they would throw ME out if any nonsense, you bet I would not be paying for any of the wedding. Here OP's mom is. I think that OP has to accept GRACEFULLY that her mom should not be expected to honor commitment to pay once she is told dad is invited.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

I think she should have a CONVERSATION with mom. Tell her she is wavering. OP said that her mom said that she would prefer dad not be there. She never said that mom would lose her shittt and not pay for the wedding. It's worth dialogue.

If mom flips her shittt and backs out of paying for the wedding, well, she can cross that bridge then.

QueerFemme · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-invite-my-mia-dad-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:77bb222a-8355-41b2-90be-e9827ccf6fe8Post:91a1af25-4934-467e-95df-da3f95a33099">Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, I think there is a big.big difference between mom saying, I am sorry, I did not expect you to invite dad, who btw owes me x dollars. I am sorry, I am not willing to pay given that. I think that OP is the one who is wrong, if she wants dad there, that should been made clear up front. No one owes anyone a wedding.  If the bride/groom change the game plan, they have to clear it with the hosts, or accept the consequences.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

Good lord. You need to relax.   I am saying, have a conversation with mom NOW about the fact that she is considering inviting dad. Mom can have her opportunity to back out of paying if that's what she wants to do. Or, they can have grown up dialogue about what that will mean to both of them.

And then, OP can have a conversation with her father, and THEY can have some grown up dialogue.

And then OP can make her decision about where to go from there.  That decision would depend on both conversations and her current financial situation.

We were prepared for MIL and SIL's not to come to our wedding. Both SIL's were IN the wedding, and if any of them wanted to decide not to come because FIL was invited, that was certainly within their right to do so. We would have been dissapointed, but respected their decisions. MIL threatened not to come for about 4 months and then changed her mind because she realized we weren't going to be threatened or guilt tripped into changing our guest list for her.

Yes, our situation was different, because we were paying for our own wedding. But the conversation required isn't any different. "Hey mom. I'm really struggling with not including dad at the wedding. I know you don't want him there, but it's difficult to think about my wedding day and my father not be a part of it. I need to talk to you about that".    See how easy that just comes out?

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

My mom didn't particularly want my father at my wedding, nor did she want him to be heavily involved in anything. She paid for 3/4 of the wedding.

Guess what? My dad was invited, listed as a host on the invitation, walked me down the aisle (and was seated in the front row with his wife along with my mom and her husband), hosted his own table, gave a thank you toast at the reception, AND had a father-daughter dance.

Why? Because ultimately my mom wanted ME to be happy and have the wedding that I had wanted, and for me, that included having my dad there and a part of it because he's, you know, my DAD.

If OP wants her father there (which she has yet to decide), then she needs to sit down with her mom and find out what needs to be done to make her comfortable with that decision. If mom insists that means repaying any funds already paid out and/or covering the rest of expenses, then OP needs to be prepared for that. If it means not seating them near one another and/or not giving father any special duties (ie: just treating him like any other guest), then so be it. If mom goes BSC and declines to attend or something like that? OP has to decide if she wants to call the bluff or not.

Ultimately, OP has to decide what is best for her AND (if she decides to invite him), mom needs to understand that OP feels it is important to have her own FATHER at her wedding.

But then again, I think adults should suck it up and act like adults.

QueerFemme · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-invite-my-mia-dad-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:77bb222a-8355-41b2-90be-e9827ccf6fe8Post:d0398b12-e3e1-45d6-940c-886b76322550">Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]CMG, you can't have a reasonable convo with NYU. True story.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

I know. I don't know why I bother sometimes.

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-invite-my-mia-dad-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:77bb222a-8355-41b2-90be-e9827ccf6fe8Post:afd2cc8c-a9da-46bc-8a21-0ab3a5beb7ec">Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it is incredibly disrespectful of the one parent who actually raised OP to say, as CMG did, "If mom flips her shittt and backs out of paying for the wedding, well, she can cross that bridge then." It is not a parent flippin her explicitive deleted to not pay for a wedding <strong>when the ground rules are changed</strong>.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

Can you point out to me where mom and OP made a deal at the onset that the funds would only be given if dad wasn't invited? I seemed to have missed that portion of the post.

QueerFemme · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-invite-my-mia-dad-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:77bb222a-8355-41b2-90be-e9827ccf6fe8Post:afd2cc8c-a9da-46bc-8a21-0ab3a5beb7ec">Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it is incredibly disrespectful of the one parent who actually raised OP to say, as CMG did, "If mom flips her shittt and backs out of paying for the wedding, well, she can cross that bridge then." It is not a parent flippin her explicitive deleted to not pay for a wedding when the ground rules are changed.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

See, the key word in that sentence is "AND".

She could NOT flip her shittt <strong>and</strong> not pay for the wedding.
She COULD flip her shittt <strong>and </strong>still pay for the wedding.
She could NOT flip her shittt <strong>and</strong> still pay for the wedding.
She COULD flip her shittt, <strong>and</strong> not pay for the wedding.

The point is, we don't know if she WILL flip her shittt AND we don't know if she will decide not to pay for the wedding. Does flipping her shitt automatically mean not paying for the wedding? Maybe, maybe not. The two choices are not necessarily related.

QueerFemme · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-invite-my-mia-dad-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:77bb222a-8355-41b2-90be-e9827ccf6fe8Post:7e4818e4-8c60-4ca2-9f09-18dba30bcf04">Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Fine, I just don't know why the ONLY think you assoicated with her acting unacceptably would be not paying. Thank you for clarifying that there is nothing wrong -- if that is what you are saying -- if mom chooses not to pay if plans are changed.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

If mom chooses not to pay, I think she is being selfish, and not respecting her daughter's desire to have both of her parents at her wedding. I personally think that grown-ass people can act like grown-ass people for a few hours. But, etiquette-wise, nope. Nothing wrong.

bcbrown63 · December 2012

I have no idea where the idea of lying to my mom came from, but I can assure you I have zero intention of doing that. Not to mention it'd be impossible since she will be working on the invitations with me.

I am also not going to discuss whether or not I have proof that he was stealing from my mother.

My mom told me when we first got engaged that she wanted to pay for the wedding (she had saved up for it), is an extremely rational person, and I'd like to believe, would be more than willing to have this conversation with me (we had a similar one when I told her I was going to grandma's funeral) if it comes to that.

If I did decide to invite him and she (highly unlikely) decided to pull funding, that'd be okay. FI and I would deal with it.

QueerFemme · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-invite-my-mia-dad-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:77bb222a-8355-41b2-90be-e9827ccf6fe8Post:f5596bab-251d-4ff6-8c35-95516f43847f">Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have no idea where the idea of lying to my mom came from, but I can assure you I have zero intention of doing that. Not to mention it'd be impossible since she will be working on the invitations with me. I am also not going to discuss whether or not I have proof that he was stealing from my mother. My mom told me when we first got engaged that she wanted to pay for the wedding (she had saved up for it), is an extremely rational person, and I'd like to believe, would be more than willing to have this conversation with me (we had a similar one when I told her I was going to grandma's funeral) if it comes to that. If I did decide to invite him and she (highly unlikely) decided to pull funding, that'd be okay. FI and I would deal with it.
Posted by bcbrown63[/QUOTE]

See NYU. You started a shitstorm for nuthin !

OP - I think just tell your mom you are struggling. Have an honest conversation with her about how it's bothering you, and you are considering inviting him. It sounds like you are very close and having an honest conversation would be best. You are the only one who can decide if having him there is right for you. Talk to your mom, talk to your FI and give it some time. You have about 3 months before invites go out. You can prepare an invitation and wait to send it out until you are ready.

bcbrown63 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-invite-my-mia-dad-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77bb222a-8355-41b2-90be-e9827ccf6fe8Post:99ba5556-2760-4865-a53b-6e8a3f4f3b21">Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please! : See NYU. You started a shitstorm for nuthin !
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It may have turned into that, but I did get good advice AND comedy out of it, so I'd say it was worthwhile.
</div>

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-invite-my-mia-dad-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:77bb222a-8355-41b2-90be-e9827ccf6fe8Post:99ba5556-2760-4865-a53b-6e8a3f4f3b21">Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please! : See NYU. You started a shitstorm for nuthin ! OP - I think just tell your mom you are struggling.<strong> Have an honest conversation with her about how it's bothering you, and you are considering inviting him. It sounds like you are very close and having an honest conversation would be best.</strong> You are the only one who can decide if having him there is right for you. Talk to your mom, talk to your FI and give it some time. You have about 3 months before invites go out. You can prepare an invitation and wait to send it out until you are ready.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

OP - the bolded is exactly what I ultimately had to do. My mom was very open and honest that she doesn't care for my father/didn't think he deserved to be an "honored" guest (bout, walk me down the aisle, etc), but that she would smile and support whatever I decided in regards to him for my wedding day because it was important to <em>me</em> that he be involved.

Let her know you are struggling with the decision and you feel like it may be something you regret later (to not invite him). She'll likely surprise you and tell you to invite him - or at least tell you that if you <em>do</em> invite him, she will bite her tongue and smile. Realistically, they don't have to interact if they don't want to.

waywardgirl · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-invite-my-mia-dad-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77bb222a-8355-41b2-90be-e9827ccf6fe8Post:7afc65a8-13ea-46d0-bda6-48a73c52bdd2">Re:Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Aww, sweetie, I feel for you so much! Unfortunately, no one can predict what you will or won't regret in the future. What I CAN tell you is that you have to make this decision for you and you alone. Don't let your mother, or your brother, or your pastor, or the local bartender tell you what you SHOULD do. For me, I knew that my dad was a Douchecanoe, but that cutting him out of my life completely was far more troublesome than putting up with occasional phone call and email, so that's how my life is. When it came time for the wedding, I had the same struggle you are having. What ultimately worked for me was inviting my dad and the stepwife, but treating them as any other guests. No front row seat next to mom, no walking me down the aisle, no father daughter dance. It was a compromise that I could live with that wouldn't cut him completely out but didn't make me uncomfortable. I can't tell you what the right answer for you is, but remember that even if you do invite him, that doesn't mean he has to play Steve Martin in Father of the Bride or anything. Do whatever feels best to you, whether it's not inviting him, inviting him just as a guest, or having him walk you down the aisle. Best of luck!
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>100% agree with this. A good friend of mine did exactly this with her estranged mom - she hugged her during sign of peace during the Catholic ceremony as is tradition (her mom was seated with the other, "normal" guests) but left it at that. Omitting him from the list may cause him to treat your mother even more poorly, and possibly even you - I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this! Please don't let it get you down - enjoy planning, enjoy your fiance, enjoy your wedding, and enjoy your marriage!

</div>

NYCMercedes · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-invite-my-mia-dad-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:77bb222a-8355-41b2-90be-e9827ccf6fe8Post:1217b930-d6b5-434a-88bf-ec4a7f141595">Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please! : It may have turned into that, but I did get good advice AND comedy out of it, so I'd say it was worthwhile.
Posted by bcbrown63[/QUOTE]

OP, you are a saint.

Why is it that every time a certain poster enters the thread, it goes totally off topic?

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-invite-my-mia-dad-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:77bb222a-8355-41b2-90be-e9827ccf6fe8Post:319ac66b-92eb-45c5-9733-e3e5c94f73e8">Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please! : OP, you are a saint. <strong>Why is it that every time a certain poster enters the thread, it goes totally off topic?</strong>
Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]

Because "certain poster" is bat-shiz-crazy-pants...

LiLe422 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-invite-my-mia-dad-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77bb222a-8355-41b2-90be-e9827ccf6fe8Post:7a6d4c1e-6569-4d77-a72e-054b65bc5f9f">Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please! : I think that she needs to talk to her mom asap.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

No she doesn't. She can do it on her time, when she is ready. I don't think she should wait til last minute but she still has plenty of time. Besides, she said she could pay for the wedding if mom pulls the funding.

s-aries8990 · December 2012

I agree with pp's who said to have an open conversation with mom.

Personal anecdotal example:
My parents divorced when I was 7- it was very messy resulting in garnished wages for child support and a permanent restraining order against my father that had to be amended several times because he's a dipscript. I graduated from college this past May. I had given my dad the even info in both December and January. In February he started a whole shitstorm of legal stuff that we are still dealing with. He called me and (my gut told me not to get the phone in the other room) left a voicemail asking if he was invited (which he knew he was). I struggled for a week on whether or not to call him back and if I did, what I should say. Meanwhile, my mother had been saying for weeks she didn't think he deserved to be there because he was not present at all during my time at college (I spoke to him on my birthday, at Christmas and on his birthday, that's it). When she saw how torn I was over my own struggle which was made even more complicated, she told me to take her wishes out of the equation. She wanted me to do what I wanted to do. Ultimately I didn't call him back (and he didn't show up), but it was MY decision. -- Don't get me started on her thoughts about him and my hypothetical wedding though.

If your mother wants to pay for your wedding, she probably wants you to be happy. Have this conversation with her. She'll probably understand, as she sounds kind of like my mother. I think that if you want to invite him., invite him as a guest and stand firm against any additions or requests you don't want to honor. It should be your decision.

bcbrown63 · December 2012

I can totally relate to the graduation story, too.

I also graduated from university in May and didn't invite him, partially because he's thousands of miles away and I rarely talk to him, but also because I honestly didn't think it'd be a huge deal, but when I saw him at my grandma's funeral he was upset that I didn't tell him. So I can only imagine how upset he'll be if we decide not to invite him to the wedding.

It's so hard taking others' thoughts and feelings out of the equation!

I'm leaning towards talking to my mom to see if she's okay with just inviting him as a regular guest (I hadn't even thought of that until you ladies suggested it - thank you!) and hoping he doesn't do anything dramatic.

Lame dads suck.

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