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Not a military bride but I could use your advice

marksgirlanmarksgirlan member
First Comment
in Military Brides
First off I would like to thank you and your husband/FI/wives for your daily sacrifices and service to this country and I pray they return to you and your family safe and sound. 

This isn't so much a question maybe more of a vent idk. Anyway a little background info... I got engaged last weekend to my wonderful boyfriend of 3 years but for most of those 3 years there has been 1,000 miles between us. He lives in Chicago I live in Florida. I hope I'm not coming off as bratty or whinny I know you deal with bigger distances than mine for longer periods than I have.

I know I have the luxury of just picking up the phone and calling Mark (my FI) but I don't know how to deal with the little things like shopping for centerpieces, invitations, etc. Yes I've done things without him before but it has never been for our wedding  I don't know how to deal with those emotions and wishing he was here. We won't be traveling as much to see eachother since we will be paying for the wedding and a house shortly after so the only times he will actually be present will be when we look for venues, meet with the baker, the caterers, and for our e-pics.

 How did you handle the stress of planning a wedding by yourself and being away from your SO? What did you do to keep him up to date in the planning.

Sorry if I offend or upset any of you for complaining over something so trivial when your SO's risks their lives everyday.




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Re: Not a military bride but I could use your advice

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    iluvmytxrgriluvmytxrgr member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Honsestly, guys could give a crap about centerpieces and table cloths.  The only things they really care about are food, music, cake, and transportation.  Ask him to weigh in on those.  For everything else, send him an email either telling him what you've picked and asking his opinion or giving him two options that you like and asking his opinion.  Don't get upset if he doesn't seem like he's into it.  He's a guy, flowers probably aren't his thing. 
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    Beachy730Beachy730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_not-military-bride-but-could-use-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:9bf98a1d-0b28-4147-9d1b-108733a77627Post:68e0ab74-e5aa-4e47-94e3-1ce6cbdb78e2">Re: Not a military bride but I could use your advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honsestly, guys could give a crap about centerpieces and table cloths.  The only things they really care about are food, music, cake, and transportation.  Ask him to weigh in on those.  For everything else, send him an email either telling him what you've picked and asking his opinion or giving him two options that you like and asking his opinion.  Don't get upset if he doesn't seem like he's into it.  He's a guy, flowers probably aren't his thing. 
    Posted by iluvmytxrgr[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto all of this exactly.  I asked my H what he cared to be involved in, and made sure to include him in those things or take care of them when he was home.  Things he didn't care about I would either tell him about after I booked them, or narrow them down to 2 options and ask his opinion.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Also, see the thread below called "keeping him involved during a deployment" for other ideas.
    </div>
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    crownsuperstarcrownsuperstar member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My H could have cared less about the flowers, music or invites.  I showed him everything but his anwers were always "That's cool" or "Ok whatever you think would work."  He did want a say in the menu and the bar selection.  I also forgot to put in the other post but he did want to make a list for the DJ.  That was about it though. 
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    prettyirishgirlprettyirishgirl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Haha ditto pp again -

    My FI started off caring about not a darn thing, yet as time has passed - (he has been abducted by an alien) he has started to care about the most random things!!! I usually go through the genreal process narrow it all down or whatever then give him like my top 3 ideas and then ask him if he cares or if he has a fav. Most stuff he couldnt' care less, but there were/are a few things he has cared a lot about. Some were odd some were more expected.

    Normal ones:
    Music, food, location of reception - he didn't care or knew it meant so much to me to care about the ceremony site, clothes - go figure, wedding party number and people

    Alien moments:
    flowers (i kid you not) - he flipped out when I said something about paper flowers or a broach bouquet and said no way no how he was having real flowers and not pins or paper, China!! what, welcome bags/kids stuff, invitations, favors

    haha i don't know. I think it depends on the guy and I understand why he cares about some of the things - others a mystery. Basically I am taking it slow and not giving him to many choices.

    One other thing we agreed to do that has made him feel better about nto being involved is that I invited his mom to come for when we do the dress, bridesmaids dresses, cake and rehearsal dinner & reception tasting. It made him feel better about relinquishing some control or involvement that was either required (like my dress) or stuff he cared about but might not be able to do (cake) to more then just me so it wouldn't be a burden on me to make a choice alone, but he didn't have to really be involved.
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    SamiJoeBSamiJoeB
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My H cared about the food & he wanted to wear his Blues. That was it.  Before you start to worry about keeping him involved, ask him what he wants to be involved in.  My guess is that he could care less about centerpieces, ribbons, flowers, toasting glasses, or shoes.  He'll probably want to weigh in on reception music, his attire, food, the cake, his GM &... idk.. I'm sure there's more, but I'm drawing a blank. I'd start with that conversation, and then go from there. 

    When is your wedding? I'm impressed that you just got engaged, and you're already planning.. I don't think I really started planning until like August for our December wedding.. Good on ya!
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    calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I live with mine, and if we talk wedding more than once a week, he gets annoyed.  He actively does NOT want to be involved in decisions relating to flowers, layout, decorations, attire, details, paper goods (save the dates, invitations, etc.).  He is very interested in the ceremony, music, and food.  Oh, and the guest list!  More specifically who from his family he does NOT want to invite.

    Talk to him about what he really wants to be a part of, and believe him when he says he doesn't care about certain things.  Find ways to make decisions about the things he cares about together - send pictures back and forth, arrange meetings with potential DJs/caterers during one of your infrequent visits, discuss what's important to each of you in the decision making process.  Even for things my FI actively doesn't want to be a part of, like our save the dates, I've sent him the final few versions and been like, "Hey, look what I did!  What do you think?  Any changes you'd suggest making?"  And he usually goes, "They're great, whatever."  (A bit more complimentary of my skills, since I designed them myself, but the jist is that he's indifferent to the final product).  But at least he's seen them and thus been a part of it.

    Some grooms love this stuff and are actively involved.  Some don't want to be.  I think both is totally okay, but it really doesn't have to do with distance - you can narrow down your choices and have him help make the final decision, if he does really want to be a part of it.  And it won't make your wedding any less "the two of you" if you pick out what color the table clothes will be.  I have a feeling I'll be making those decisions for our house for years to come anyway!

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    Chels2034Chels2034 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hello from a Canadian Military Fiance! I just got engaged this past weekend and my hunny is about to be sent on training for a month - he tends to be here a month or two, gone a month or two... they only deploy here for 7-9 months every few years so we are very fortunate in that aspect.

    It is hard with the men being away... but in the military you tend to have a good community of other wives/girlfriends/fiance's to lean on... Don't be so hard on yourself - long distance is very challenging!

    As for your question of how to keep him in the loop - do you guys already have smart phones or are they in the budget? It's AMAZING how some photo texts/emails can help you keep in touch! As a MOH the bride and I face timed and photo texted our way through planning her wedding :) Also with my man I've been talking to him a lot about what IS important to him to have input on and what he doesn't mind me taking the reins on. I plan to keep detailed accounts/photo examples of everything I choose so he can take a look at it when he is around to give feedback. Then maybe you can prescreen the really important things, like venues and caterers and decorators - and he can come up for a few days of whirlwind planning without wasting time seeing total duds.

    Happy planning! Just remember how exciting it all is and how fun it's supposed to be, the rest will work itself out.
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