Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion
Options

Invite or Not?

HorseShoeLuckHorseShoeLuck
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

As soon as I began dating my fiance, my best friend gave me an ultimatium, it was him or her.  I told her that was uncalled for and unfair, but because I didn't choose her right on the spot she now hates me and has it made clear that she wants nothing to do with me.  We were friends for almost 20 years by that time.  For all these years that we were friends we've been a part of each other's extended families and I still hear from her aunts, uncles and grandparents on a regular basis, they contact me, and I plan on inviting them to the wedding because they have been a part of my life.  However, when she declared we were no longer friends and that she hated me (yes, childish), she said I was no longer allowed to be part of her family.  Question is, her parents have also been a part of my life and I am unsure if it would be improper to invite them or not invite them because of her feelings, but for the sake that I am involving others from that part of the family.  Or should I just not invite any of them?  Advice?

Report Reply to Post

Re: Invite or Not?

  • Options
    georgia_bride09georgia_bride09 member
    First Comment
    I would invite the family. It isn't your fault she reacted badly, and they can also politely decline.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Moneypenny424Moneypenny424 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    I think I need some more info on the cause of the falling out before I can properly advise.  Why doesn't she like FI?
    image
    My Married Bio Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    danieliza1127danieliza1127 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    Why does she hate your FI so much?

    If you  have continued to have contact with her family members even after she ended the friendship, then I think it's okay to invite them.
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    akhensley81akhensley81 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Yeah, I agree. She might have told you that you're "not allowed" to be part of her family, but really... she's not the boss of you. If you like them and want them at your wedding, invite them.

    I'm curious why she drop-kicked your 20-year friendship when you and your FI got together? Is it possible to mend the friendship?

    image

    Married!

    Report Reply
  • Options
    Juxtaposition00Juxtaposition00
    First Comment
    I would say try one last time.  It never hurts to try, unless you hate her now at this point. I would still invite the family, but I would invite her too... and let her know that he is in your life, and you would still like her to be.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    wadingmoosewadingmoose member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I'm another one that needs more information on why she ended a 20 year friendship over this guy.  What were her concerns?

    How old are you?

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
    Report Reply
  • Options
    HorseShoeLuckHorseShoeLuck
    First Comment

    It's actually been a pattern that she didn't like any guy I dated (including her own cousin who she set me up with) but when she realized I was serious about this one she wouldn't even meet him and while we were roommates she advised he wasn't allowed to come to the house.  During a previous relationship she wouldn't even meet the guy I was casually dating on and off until he had been around for 4 months.  Since the house is in my name I went ahead and let my now fiance come by and pick me up for a date and introduced them, she went ballastic when I got back home telling me that she wasn't ready to meet him and she doesn't approve.  She also set rules that I was to inform her when he would be appearing at the house so she could be gone.  When asked why she doesn't approve she just gave reasons such as "I don't think he's good enough for you."  That's when she dropped the ultimatium and said she was moving out.  I have attempted to work things out with her a few times, but she holds grudges and went so far as stupid things of blocking from facebook and trying to divy up friends.  I honestly don't care at this point anymore about the friendship if she wants to throw it away fine.  Even our mutual friends say they don't understand what happened.  We're mid-20s but I'm not going to deal with childhood drama.  She moved back in with her parents so by sending the invitation to her house I don't want to open a can of worms there.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    akhensley81akhensley81 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Hmmmm... well after reading your explanation it sounds like this girl is stuck somewhere between the 3rd and 5th grade. Ugh. I agree - don't waste any more time trying to patch things up with her.

    I'd still send the invite and clearly address it just to her parents. That will send her the message.

    image

    Married!

    Report Reply
  • Options
    lmills730lmills730 member
    First Comment
    thats what i was going to say. it sounds like she might have feelings for you...
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Sunshine9463Sunshine9463
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-not-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:776c23aa-48b2-4165-8ab9-c8fce8976254Post:acf7bbbb-4e33-422d-bcfe-398dd4fefe30">Re: Invite or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]thats what i was going to say.<strong> it sounds like she might have feelings for you...</strong>
    Posted by lmills730[/QUOTE]

    That's kinda the vibe I was getting too, mills.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    KatyRoseMKatyRoseM member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited July 2010
    She sounds a little unstable, but if you want her family there go ahead and invite them.  You are not responsible for her, and she cannot tell you what to do. 
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    HorseShoeLuckHorseShoeLuck
    First Comment
    That's what my fiance said about the whole deal too, lol.  He still asks from time to time if my divorce is final.  As long as it's ok with FI I plan on inviting them too then, just felt so wrong not inviting them, but at the same time I wanted to be somewhat respectful to for her feelings, because at least one of us can be an adult. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Sunshine9463Sunshine9463
    First Comment
    I can see where you're coming from, but I'd say invite them. If she hadn't acted like a toddler, she'd be getting an invite too, ya know? Her loss.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    I Want CakeI Want Cake
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-not-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:776c23aa-48b2-4165-8ab9-c8fce8976254Post:1e66a46d-4074-45fb-b408-f3aad5743ee0">Re: Invite or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe she is secretly in love with you.
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    This.

    This isn't a normal reaction for anyone who isn't either a) mentally damaged or; b) in love with you.  She had no right to ban anyone from your own home for any other reason than if they abused her.  Or maybe she's just the really, really jealous type who doesn't have anyone of her own, so she's misfocused that anger on you and your happiness.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    georgia_bride09georgia_bride09 member
    First Comment
    Your former roommate has control issues, big-time. But you already knew that.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Birdie1483Birdie1483 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    She's either BSC or in love with you. If you are still friendly with her parents, I would invite them. If she gets upset that they are going, that's their problem, not yours.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    squirrlysquirrly member
    Name Dropper First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I think she's just THAT into you.  Completely jealous.  COMPLETELY.  And totally incapable of managing it in a normal fashion.

    Invite her parents, unless you think she'd be violent toward them because of it.  If you want to be sure she doesn't yank the invite out of the mail, slip theirs into a manilla envelope and mail it either without a return address, or ask a friend if you can use theirs so that she doesn't suspect anyhting. 
    DIY & Planning | Married 

    Married: 2010
    Mom to J: 2011
    Mom to H: 2014

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic



    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
    Report Reply
  • Options
    wadingmoosewadingmoose member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-not-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:776c23aa-48b2-4165-8ab9-c8fce8976254Post:1e66a46d-4074-45fb-b408-f3aad5743ee0">Re: Invite or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe she is secretly in love with you.
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]


    If this is true, hide small furry animals.  No one needs to see bunnies boiling over this.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
    Report Reply
  • Options
    DLuchnerDLuchner member
    First Comment
    oh my goodness, wow it sounds like you are better off without a friend like her!!  Sounds like she has control issues and is a very jealous person.  I think you should definitely invite her family b/c obviously they still care about you and she can't control whom they speak to.  Plus, if you invite her it sounds like she's the kind of person to bring ALOT of drama to your big day!
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards