Need advise from those of you that have been here and done this...

Re: Need advise from those of you that have been here and done this...

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  right1thistime member

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  Welcome to blended family life.  I am astounded by how hard this is sometimes.  5 years and counting, and we are still working on it.  Wish I could tell you we had it all hammered out, but the answer to that is, uh  NO.  Nobody loves your kids like you do.  A step parent can love them plenty, but it isn't the same.  And someone who is parenting children who have been let down by the missing parent is going to be a whole lot more protective of those kids than another situation. 
  
  My advice, for what it's worth, is this:  figure out the rules of your home that apply to everyone.   That means you both as well.  Examples might be, everyone picks up after themself.  If anyone forgets, they get one reminder then there are consequences.  Let the kids either apply the consequences to you, or see you apply them to each other.  Make the consequences natural-- the item that was left lying round is sent to time out for X days (1 for the first offense, 2 for the second, etc).  Another for chores may be, no one can do fun stuff on Saturday until all the chores are done.  Not just the slacker, but nobody.  So no golf, no shopping, no mall ratting, no football, etc until everyobody gets them done. 
  
  Once you two figure out what really matters, what rules there are, etc, then you can begin to co-parent.  Obviously the 9 year old won't have the same level of chores as your 16 yr old, but they should be equally responsible. 
  
  The other thing (and this is HARD) is to agree to present a united front in public, no matter HOW MUCH YOU DISAGREE ABOUT CHILD DISCIPLINE in private.  The minute teenagers see that they can divide and conquer-- you are done for.  They are the evil masterminds far beyond any terrorist government, and will incite unrest in a couple's life with barely a blink of an eye. 
  
  Finally, when the two of you have HAD IT UP TO HERE with the conflicts of parenting, STOP and think about why you are so great as a couple.  These kids will not (with any luck at all) be with you forever.  In the next decade, you'll be facing an empty nest- and doesn't that sound so much better with the two of you in it?  Hang in there. ~Donna

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  JostMarried

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  Thanks Donna.
  
  The good news is we are doing the things you suggest. It is just really hard.
  
  Mind if I "vent" with you occasionally?
  
  H and I do agree that our kids cannot be what "we" are about because they are not here forever and we still need to have a marriage after they are gone.
  
  AND, H and I talk things through and admit when we are wrong or could have handled something better.
  
  So, I guess things aren't as bad as they could be. ;-)

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  shytownkelly

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  If you'd like a dose of perception - I found a website that I read occasionally -
  www.steptalk.org/" target="_blank">
  http://www.steptalk.org/
  
  On this site step-parents of all types vent about the issues they are facing - and honestly I thought my step son was "The Worst"  turns out?  he's no trouble at all compared to what some kids put the adults thru! 
  
  I don't find much true help there just more of a "whoa it could be WAY worse!" kinds of realizations. 
  
  Hang in there!

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  right1thistime member

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  Under no circumstances would I ever advocate not defending your child against abuse or abusive tendencies. 
  However I stand by what I wrote.  Barring abuse or abusive tendencies, of course.  If your spouse wants to punish the child by a year of hard labor, and you think that a week of grounding is more than sufficient, that battle between the two parents needs to be fought in private.  Disagreeing in front of the teen shows a chink in the armor that will be exploited.  A quick, "I need to speak to you in private for a moment" would accomplish far more, with a regroup that follows that says, "we've decided that rather than a year of hard labor, it would be more effective to have you grounded to the house for one full week."  So what if the teen figures out that stepdad got vetoed by Mom in the sidebar?  The united front means that he or she can't get into divide and conquer. 
  
  And if the kid says, "He's a jerk, Mom and thank you for standing up for me against him" you can't take the credit and polish your apple on your chest.  You have to continue the teamwork and answer the child with, "both of us feel its important that you don't break the school skipping rule, and when you do, that you will have a consequence.  We agreed that a week of grounding was appropriate for this offense."   
  And Jost - vent anytime.  As long as I can return the favor!    ~Donna

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  JostMarried

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  so here's my take based on what I deal with on a normal basis:
  
  1. Teenagers are like sharks, they will hunt for your weakness and strike. Two are better than one. There is not abuse here - never will be. This being said, we do keep things together in front of the kids and discuss and break things down in private. I will say that one of the strengthens of our marriage is our ability and willingness to communicate with each other.
  
  2. H with OCD is fully aware of his condition and is getting help. He has given me permission to use a code word - which "red" to indicate he is going "there." I think where he really needs help is "getting" kids in general. He is under the impression that they actually are motivated to keep their own home organized and clean. Well, when you have Mr. Clean living with you, he'll get so frustrated, that he'll do it, so then they have no reason to do their chores. It is a vicious circle.
  
  3. We have signed up for the web site www.myjobchart.com (it free by the way) for the kids to sign off on doing chores and earn rewards. The battle now is getting them to log on and sign off on them each day.
  
  4. When you have such a difference in perceptions and how the "routine" should go, it is hard to find the rhythm a pace that works for the family as a whole. One of the things I suggested to H last night is that we keep referring to ourselves as a family instead of individuals. To focus on this perspective. Because H and I have caught ourselves saying "My girls" and "My son" which only polarizes the situation.
  
  <deep breath /> It will work out even if it is just one day at a time...;-) I think we need a good 'ole fashion pillow fight.

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