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I know two rudes don't make a right but...

freebread03freebread03 member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I really want to say something...backstory:

I have an old friend who I haven't seen since like 2006, but we're still FB friends (so I guess he'd say we're friends, I certainly wouldn't consider him a friend).  Back in February he invited me to his wedding via facebook. I politely declined and kept my mouth shut even though I wanted to point out that it was rude to invite me to his ceremony and not the reception (not getting into the facebook message part of it).

Well, I get another message this morning inviting me to a surprise baby shower for his wife that he's throwing for her next month.  I really want to say something to him about the etiquette of throwing his own shower--I know two rudes don't make a right...but, come on, what can I say here?  Maybe I just need to be talked down and keep my mouth shut, but is there any not totally b*tchy way to tell him what's up?
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Re: I know two rudes don't make a right but...

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    crfischecrfische member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Um, you defriend him if you don't consider him a friend, and call it good?
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    Avion22Avion22 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    My guess is that this guy just doesn't have any understanding of ettiquette, nor does he probably care.

    I don't think there's any nice way to tell him that it's not cool to throw his own wife a shower.  However, maybe nobody else offered to throw her one, and he thought she would be upset if she didn't have a shower?  That's kind of sweet, though misguided. 
     
    I think I would decline the invitation, not because of the way it was delivered or who the host is, but because this guy seems like he's only your friend during occasions that involve him and his wife receiving gifts....
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    freebread03freebread03 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    But then I wouldn't get invited to his father's day party that he'll be throwing for himself!  But yes, I think it's time to defriend...but can't I say something snarky before i do it?
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    crfischecrfische member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Eh, Facebook is full of morons. Most of the morons on my friend list are people from high school who just...don't know any better.
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    Avion22Avion22 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-two-rudes-dont-make-a-right-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:875909ce-5d9d-4086-86c3-6773106a4be2Post:6d628b0b-9793-4b0e-86ce-e5fd14a7b6fb">Re: I know two rudes don't make a right but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]But then I wouldn't get invited to his father's day party that he'll be throwing for himself!  But yes, I think it's time to defriend...but can't I say something snarky before i do it?
    Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]

    <div>You could, but this guy sounds pretty dense and the snarkiness would probably be lost on him anyway....</div><div>
    </div><div>(and BTW, I feel kind of bad for his wife...if my husband threw me a surprise baby shower, I would be MORTIFIED...)</div>
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    RusticGlamourRusticGlamour member
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    edited March 2012
    If you guys aren't friends anymore, I wouldn't say anything. You don't know the situation well enough to know why its being done this way. There could be lots of extenuating circumstances and you could end up with your foot in your mouth. I would just defriend him and hopefully he gets the hint to stop inappropriately inviting you to things. 

    Plus, in all fairness... he's a guy, and hopefully without sounding too sexist - very few of the men I know in my life have a clue about etiquette or the proper way to do things, or simply don't care when told.
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    freebread03freebread03 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited March 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-two-rudes-dont-make-a-right-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:875909ce-5d9d-4086-86c3-6773106a4be2Post:4bdc648e-177c-48bf-bb94-66d5d53f2712">Re: I know two rudes don't make a right but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you guys aren't friends anymore, I wouldn't say anything. <strong>You don't know the situation well enough to know why its being done this way. There could be lots of extenuating circumstances </strong>and you could end up with your foot in your mouth. I would just defriend him and hopefully he gets the hint to stop inappropriately inviting you to things.  Plus, in all fairness... he's a guy, and hopefully without sounding too sexist - very few of the men I know in my life have a clue about etiquette or the proper way to do things, or simply don't care when told.
    Posted by RusticGlamour[/QUOTE]

    <div>Now I want to know what type of extentuating circumstances make it ok to throw your own baby shower?</div>
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    HeathenSwanHeathenSwan member
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    If mine threw me a baby shower, I'd think it was a sweet gesture. As someone else said, perhaps he was worried no one else would throw her a party, and he's excited about the new baby. Most men think a shower is just a place for the ladies to get together, have a good time, eat small food, and be ladies.

    Sure, you could say something snarky, but that would be judgmental. But if it makes YOU feel better, go for it.
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    RusticGlamourRusticGlamour member
    First Comment
    Extenuating circumstances: He could just be passing on the word for the person that is actually throwing it. No close female family or friends, or at least not close enough to be willing to drop money on a shower. Or all female family that would be close enough could be passed on or out of the country or don't believe in showers. In his circle of friends, hosting your own shower is acceptable, and so to him your "official" etiquette will not compute, etc.

    As I mentioned I've tried to explain etiquette to men, and women for that matter, before (I live in the western US but come from the east) and they dismiss it as me being a "fancy easterner" and to those people, you'll never convince them to see it your way, so the argument may not be worth your time.

    I had a friend before where all her close female family members had died or lived out of the country. The baby's father's family all hated her because they thought she wasn't good enough for their son.  She had no female friends that were close enough to be willing to host a party, only close enough to be willing to come.  I ended up hosting it for her, but, had he hosted it for her - while I still would say it was breaking etiquette, I would have been sympathetic to the reasons.
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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I wouldn't say anything, but man I'd want to.

    My husband has a high school friend getting married in June.  I recieved an invitation to his fiance's bridesmaids luncheon/shower/gimmeagift party.  I've never met the high school friend let alone his random fiance.  I declined.  Now, I'm deluged on Facebook with invitations to their Jack and Jill tonight.  "Only $10 for full open bar!!!!!"  Good lord. 

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    ThankfulSnailThankfulSnail member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    I would defriend and not say anything, just because even if you're not friends with someone, they can still message you... I would not want to get into a back and forth with him after the defriending.
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    angryangryangryangry
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    One thing I always keep in mind when I want to be snarky/mean to someone is how I would feel about it if I'm stuck with them later. Like if he ended up getting a job at your company or being in line next to you at the DMV or in a class you took or something. 
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    reallymkreallymk
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-two-rudes-dont-make-a-right-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:875909ce-5d9d-4086-86c3-6773106a4be2Post:f06a5b5a-b956-4935-999f-2d0b0003bfc4">I know two rudes don't make a right but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I really want to say something...backstory: I have an old friend who I haven't seen since like 2006, but we're still FB friends (so I guess he'd say we're friends, I certainly wouldn't consider him a friend).  Back in February he invited me to his wedding via facebook. I politely declined and kept my mouth shut even though I wanted to point out that it was rude to invite me to his ceremony and not the reception (not getting into the facebook message part of it). Well, I get another message this morning inviting me to a surprise baby shower for his wife that he's throwing for her next month. <strong> I really want to say something to him about the etiquette of throwing his own shower</strong>--I know two rudes don't make a right...but, come on, what can I say here?  Maybe I just need to be talked down and keep my mouth shut, but is there any not totally b*tchy way to tell him what's up?
    Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]

    I've been around long enough to remember a time when people felt the same way about mothers or sisters or grandmothers throwing showers (bridal or baby), but that seems to be generally accepted now.  Maybe he is just on the cutting edge <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />.
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    LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    Honestly, it doesn't seem worthit to say something snarky. It's not hurting you by just ignoring him and letting it go.
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    StarquegStarqueg
    First Comment
    Just congratulate him on the status of his wife's uterus and move on. 
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    heylady87heylady87
    First Comment
    Politely decline the invitation and then defriend. If he doesn't get the picture when you defriend, he's obviously totally oblivious to everything.
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    AceTTAceTT
    First Comment
    I understand the initial desire to be snarky or rude back to him, but there really isn't a point to it. If you don't want to go to the shower, then politely decline. Defriend as others suggested if you don't want to deal with more "rude" invitations.
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    seesawgirlseesawgirl member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-two-rudes-dont-make-a-right-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:875909ce-5d9d-4086-86c3-6773106a4be2Post:df7e91dd-a475-4117-afd6-4e947979be6a">Re: I know two rudes don't make a right but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know two rudes don't make a right but... : Now I want to know what type of extentuating circumstances make it ok to throw your own baby shower?
    Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]

    <div>Maybe his wife doesn't have family that could throw her a shower due to them being in another part of the country, estranged, etc. Maybe she's feeling isolated due to her pregnancy, and needs to be surrounded by friends that love her, and that's what he's looking for, as opposed to gifts. Caring for your spouse trumps ettiquette, in my book.</div>
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    AbbynBrian13AbbynBrian13
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-two-rudes-dont-make-a-right-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:875909ce-5d9d-4086-86c3-6773106a4be2Post:189ac552-6ee5-4f5b-a0f8-030694759977">Re: I know two rudes don't make a right but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know two rudes don't make a right but... : Maybe his wife doesn't have family that could throw her a shower due to them being in another part of the country, estranged, etc. Maybe she's feeling isolated due to her pregnancy, and needs to be surrounded by friends that love her, and that's what he's looking for, as opposed to gifts. Caring for your spouse trumps ettiquette, in my book.
    Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]

    AGREE!! If you dont even like him, who cares if he throws her a shower!! People read into things way too much. I personally dont think theres anything wrong with that!
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    Cortney1982Cortney1982 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Seems like this guy only contacts you if a gift can come out of it.  I'd ignore his invite and defriend him immediately.

    I don't see it as a nice gesture that the husband is throwing his wife a baby shower if nobody else was.  Nobody needs a baby shower.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the wife told her husband to throw her one since that isn't something your average dude would do.
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