NWR: overwhelmed with new job

GroomNeedsAdvice · June 2012

Hi all,

My wife started a new job last week and she's really stressed out. I don't really know what advice to give her, and I was hoping for your help.

She has always worked in childcare, but recently lost her job due to downsizing. A friend of one of her former coworkers was looking for a nanny, and W decided to give it a try. She was told it was 25 hours and just watching the kids. On her first day, she found out her schedule was totally different, 35 hours, and she doesn't get off until the kids go to bed. We now only get to see each other for maybe an hour before bed.

The family is nice, but there is no discipline. W has had daily mopping, vacuuming, laundry, meals, cleaning the bathrooms, and the kids rooms all added to her list of chores. Both parents are home as well as a grandparent. Even though Dad is home, W still hasn't met him. Mom does not work. W is constantly being watched and is so overwhelmed. Is this normal for this kind of job?

Habs2Hart · June 2012

If she didn't agree with everything, I'd be either asking for a raise to cover all the extra work, or getting out of there. It sounds like they are taking advantage of her being there. She's a nanny, not a maid.

Matty143 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-overwhelmed-with-new-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e745143b-9173-45b2-82b1-27ce588f8e4aPost:e4f38fd7-cf95-4d37-a992-e1240bc7957c">NWR: overwhelmed with new job</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, My wife started a new job last week and she's really stressed out. I don't really know what advice to give her, and I was hoping for your help. She has always worked in childcare, but recently lost her job due to downsizing. A friend of one of her former coworkers was looking for a nanny, and W decided to give it a try. She was told it was 25 hours and just watching the kids. On her first day, she found out her schedule was totally different, 35 hours, and she doesn't get off until the kids go to bed. We now only get to see each other for maybe an hour before bed. The family is nice, but there is no discipline. W has had daily mopping, vacuuming, laundry, meals, cleaning the bathrooms, and the kids rooms all added to her list of chores. Both parents are home as well as a grandparent. Even though Dad is home, W still hasn't met him. Mom does not work. W is constantly being watched and is so overwhelmed. Is this normal for this kind of job?
Posted by GroomNeedsAdvice[/QUOTE]

I have no personal experience, but I say NO.

polichik · June 2012

I'd first ask your FI if she wants advice or just to vent. Sometimes we just need to let it out but aren't ready to focus on solutions. Did she get any kind of a written contract detailing what her hours an responsibilities are? Is she being paid hourly or by the day? I would want to have something drawn up stipulating exactly what the job description is, with provisions for overtime if she's ever kept late. I'd also encourage her to reiterate what the original expectations were, printing out a copy of any email correspondence and whatnot. It seems like she needs to draw some clear boundaries and then stick to them.

baystateapple · June 2012

That is not normal. Increasing the hours is a big red flag right there. She shouldn't be working 10 extra hours than she signed on for, unless she wants it.

And fuuuck the rest of it. If they want a maid, they can hire a maid.

aragx6 · June 2012

The hours are pretty normal, and while it's not pretty most nannies I've known have been responsible for at least some of the household chores. This all should have been discussed with her from the get go however. Peeking into the private lives of families is probably the oddest part of this kind of job, and she has to go into it knowing she won't be able to change them. The children likely do need additional discipline but if mom is around constantly it's unlike she'll be able to affect much positive change. I would tell her to wait it out a bit -- the mom is probably watching her closely because she's new, but she's more likely to back off once she's ascertained your wife is good at what she does.

If that doesn't happen, she'll have to decide if she can stay in the situation or not. Like I said, she can certainly try to talk to them about her concerns, but they're unlikely to change in any significant way. People like that hire full-time nannies so that they don't have to.

edit: spelling

[Deleted User] · June 2012

She should definitely set up clear boundaries, in writing, to protect herself. This definitely sounds like she is being taken advantage of and is completely wrong. Hope it gets better for her!

AdeleDazeem · June 2012

I always hated as a babysitter when parents were home when I was there or asked me to do any kind of cleaning.

Honestly, Groom - this family sounds weird. I'd be either laying out a contract with them or finding a new job.

JordynLeighx3 · June 2012

Technically there is a difference between a babysitter and a nanny. Those types of chores are typical or that of a nanny, as are the hours. But if they wanted a true nanny then they should have specified that would mean not just watching the kids. That would just make her a babysitter.

mari0225 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-overwhelmed-with-new-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e745143b-9173-45b2-82b1-27ce588f8e4aPost:d44cf804-c067-47db-9bdb-634d980cd1fe">Re: NWR: overwhelmed with new job</a>:
[QUOTE]I always hated as a babysitter when parents were home when I was there or asked me to do any kind of cleaning. Honestly, Groom - this family sounds weird. I'd be either laying out a contract with them or finding a new job.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

Yeah I have never liked it either when the parents weren't home. It felt like I was being watched.

Bonzo2011 · June 2012

I've done some nanny work, and I would quit that job. In my opinion, a nanny and a housekeeper are two different things. I clean up after any messes I make with the kids, but more often than not I encourage the kids to clean up after themselves (at an age appropriate level). Cleaning the bathrooms? No way. That isn't what she signed up for when she said she would take care of the kids. And the increase in hours after she started would be a major red flag. If she likes the job, she should ask for a raise to cover the increased expectations. If she doesn't like the job that much, maybe encourage her to search for a new one.

aragx6 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-overwhelmed-with-new-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e745143b-9173-45b2-82b1-27ce588f8e4aPost:a9f1237e-3ad3-4de7-abba-7cc38242f9fc">Re:NWR: overwhelmed with new job</a>:
[QUOTE]Technically there is a difference between a babysitter and a nanny. Those types of chores are typical or that of a nanny, as are the hours. But if they wanted a true nanny then they should have specified that would mean not just watching the kids. That would just make her a babysitter.
Posted by JordynLeighx3[/QUOTE]

You said it more succinctly than I did. I have several friends who are full-time nannies and honestly everything I've read of them seems pretty standard of the job. It just sounds as though she didn't know what she was getting into.

One friend nannied 60 hours a week for a family, lived there, did all minor chores (like dishes, laundry, vacuuming) and a cleaning lady would come once a week to do the heavier stuff. The parents were either working, shopping or getting shitt-faced with their friends.

ahhhitsshannyn · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-overwhelmed-with-new-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e745143b-9173-45b2-82b1-27ce588f8e4aPost:a7296743-3175-4f2e-89ad-cc9d93842448">Re:NWR: overwhelmed with new job</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:NWR: overwhelmed with new job : You said it more succinctly than I did. I have several friends who are full-time nannies and honestly everything I've read of them seems pretty standard of the job. It just sounds as though she didn't know what she was getting into. One friend nannied 60 hours a week for a family, lived there, did all minor chores (like dishes, laundry, vacuuming) and a cleaning lady would come once a week to do the heavier stuff. The parents were either working, shopping or getting shitt-faced with their friends.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

That is how it seems to me too. It sucks, but I pretty much think this is standard practice for nannies. If anything, I might ask about maybe coming in later since you only had time for the 20 hours or whatever, but her being there until bed is probably not negotiable. But honestly, the parents are free to set whatever rules they want, and if your wife doesn't want the job, I am sure someone else will, so if she wants money for right now, I would stick it out until I could find something else.

angelstar975 · June 2012

I'm a nanny and I have yet to have a job where they asked me to do anything besides what we originally agreed to. It's called job creep when this happens, and it definitely does happen, but it isn't the norm. Tell her to get out now. She's being taken advantage of. She can try care.com or sittercity.com for a new position.

I do no house cleaning besides cleaning up after the kids, I don't work more hours than I originally agreed to (unless asked in advance, of course, but it's not a regular thing.) Nanny does not equal housekeeper.

ETA - Some "nanny" jobs do ask for housekeeping, but if that's the case, they should be upfront about it.

kimandjosh22 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-overwhelmed-with-new-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e745143b-9173-45b2-82b1-27ce588f8e4aPost:e4f38fd7-cf95-4d37-a992-e1240bc7957c">NWR: overwhelmed with new job</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, My wife started a new job last week and she's really stressed out. I don't really know what advice to give her, and I was hoping for your help. She has always worked in childcare, but recently lost her job due to downsizing. A friend of one of her former coworkers was looking for a nanny, and W decided to give it a try. She was told it was 25 hours and just watching the kids. On her first day, she found out her schedule was totally different, 35 hours, and she doesn't get off until the kids go to bed. We now only get to see each other for maybe an hour before bed. The family is nice, but there is no discipline. W has had daily mopping, vacuuming, laundry, meals, cleaning the bathrooms, and the kids rooms all added to her list of chores. Both parents are home as well as a grandparent. Even though Dad is home, W still hasn't met him. Mom does not work. W is constantly being watched and is so overwhelmed. Is this normal for this kind of job?
Posted by GroomNeedsAdvice[/QUOTE]

is the family foreign? I nannied for a british family and was expected to cook, clean, do laundry, water their gardens, take care of the dog... however, in that situation both parents worked so I didn't feel as if I was being watched all the time. It seems that your wife's employers were not completely transparent with what the job was, and your wife should address that, and either ask that her responsibilities be focused on taking care of the children (which seems like what she expected) or that her pay be increased to account for the additional responsibilities and time. if they're foreign they may not realize that this is not the norm for nanny jobs in the US?

angelstar975 · June 2012

I didn't even notice the part of your post where you said there are 3 adults in the house and she's being watched. I actually did have a job sort of like that, without the extra hours and chores, and that alone was enough to make me hate it. I was there 2 weeks and it was a relief to leave it.

Megbo2012 · June 2012

She should be paid twice. Once for being a nanny/babysitting, and then again as a cleaning lady. Gahh I'm sorry groom, sounds like they are taking advantage of your Fi/W.

futuremrsbruno · June 2012

I noticed you are from L.A. are there any other people that work as nanny's your wife could talk to? I don't know of many nanny jobs in my area, but I would guess that with the celebrity population and Hollywood, there would be a ton of nannies in your area. I wouldn't think that the chores she has to do would be considered part of her nanny job. I know it would be hard to watch kids and do those things at the same time, unless you are in your own house and your own kids are used to you cleaning around them.

I also think it's odd that the family is home, yet she is working 10 extra hours than originally stated, yet the parents are there to you know, be parents.

I'd have her talk to the couple and see if she can get some input from other nannies in the area. If she's still uncomfortable, I would look for something else and get out of this one.

GroomNeedsAdvice · June 2012

Sorry for the late response, the office got pretty busy! I understand that the cleaning can sometimes be included in the job description, but it wasn't in hers. She would never have accepted it. She really likes the family, but hates that they extended the job until 8pm it was meant to be 6 and added hours worth of chores. She found when she went in today a notebook with 2 pages covered front and back with her daily chores. She has been in tears every day before and after work and it's so upsetting to see. She can't even go to the bathroom without one of the kids running in on her it's an 8 year old boy...way too old for that sh!t and there are no locks. I almost want to call and quit for her, because I know she'll feel to guilty to do it.

becky659 · June 2012

I nanny for a family, but I would totally put the brakes on cleaning bathrooms. I have no problem with laundry, cooking and light cleaning... but the bathroom? No thanks. I wouldn't have taken my job with that in the description, although some people might not mind.
Agreed with the "job creep" not being ok.
And the fact that they're all there all the time would creep me out.

aragx6 · June 2012

I think Rachers hit the nail on the head -- whether it's industry standard or not, it's a huge mess for her. She should quit and find something else. No job -- no nothing -- is worth that.

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