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Is it appropriate to register if...

inkychickinkychick
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in Registry and Gift Forum

My FI and I are thinking of doing a destination wedding with a pot-luck type reception to follow after.  We're not into the traditional reception thing so we just wanna do a casual BBQ luau thing.  Is it appropriate to register for gifts and mention it on the invites for this type of a reception?? Its going to be more of a celebration of marriage party...

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Re: Is it appropriate to register if...

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    GeauxTigers17GeauxTigers17 member
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    No, I'm sorry, but I don't think it is. First, it's the ceremony invitation that comes with the expectation that the guest give a gift, not the reception invitation. Second, while I think potlucks can be great fun, I wouldn't ask someone to contribute food to a wedding reception - I see that as an event that should be fully hosted. If you just want to throw a party, I think it sounds like a blast, but I also don't think it would occur to someone to give you a gift in that situation. 
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    SD3194SD3194 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_appropriate-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:2068a3ab-cc71-4411-b5b9-e82edaf4da8aPost:9c5c1b09-e443-4a44-8e8a-e80599962f41">Is it appropriate to register if...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI and I are thinking of doing a destination wedding with a pot-luck type reception to follow after.  We're not into the traditional reception thing so we just wanna do a casual BBQ luau thing.  Is it appropriate to register for gifts and mention it on the invites for this type of a reception?? Its going to be more of a celebration of marriage party...
    Posted by inkychick[/QUOTE]


    Yes, it's inappropriate to register for your AHR.

    Potluck receptions are rude. It's poor etiquette to ask your guests to bring a dish to a party that you should be hosting. It's also risky because you can't guarantee people used proper food safety.
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2011
    There are a few things here that are inappropriate.

    1) It's always inappropriate to include registry information in an invitation.

    2) It's always inappropriate to invite guests to come host your reception.  If you invite them, you provide the food.  Potlucks are very rude for weddings.  If you want a BBQ, fine.  Or do a cake and punch if you can't afford the food.  But don't ask your guests to bring the party.

    3) Inviting guests to an AHR when they aren't invited to the real wedding is pretty rude.

    Good luck.  
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    Milsey32Milsey32
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    I have to bring "a dish to pass" to support YOUR party AND buy you a gift, but I don't get to see the ceremony? I'm sorry, as a guest I don't mind "showering" you with a gift or two (or three or four..) a month before I put on a pretty dress, watch you say "I Do" and drink/dance the night away... but when I have to bring my own food, and probably booze, I really won't be all that excited for you anymore. 

    This makes me think of Finding Nemo when the fish says: "Good feeling's gone" lol 
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    tania0930tania0930
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    I agree that it's not appropriate to mention gifts on an invitation or expect guests to bring food, I just wish that people had more supportive ways of answering others' questions.  People ask questions when they DON'T know the answers, because they are looking for support and suggestions.  If I were inkychick I'd probably feel pretty crappy after hoping for help and receiving the above responses.  We're not all wedding experts, and perhaps we should keep this in mind when answering people's questions. 
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    SD3194SD3194 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_appropriate-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:2068a3ab-cc71-4411-b5b9-e82edaf4da8aPost:2642a04d-ad1c-4105-b842-1e08a8cf2019">Re: Is it appropriate to register if...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree that it's not appropriate to mention gifts on an invitation or expect guests to bring food, I just wish that people had more supportive ways of answering others' questions.  People ask questions when they DON'T know the answers, because they are looking for support and suggestions.  If I were inkychick I'd probably feel pretty crappy after hoping for help and receiving the above responses.  We're not all wedding experts, and perhaps we should keep this in mind when answering people's questions. 
    Posted by tania0930[/QUOTE]


    I don't see how we weren't supportive. Everyone was pretty nice to OP and gave her good advice.
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    aegrishaegrish member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_appropriate-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:2068a3ab-cc71-4411-b5b9-e82edaf4da8aPost:2642a04d-ad1c-4105-b842-1e08a8cf2019">Re: Is it appropriate to register if...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree that it's not appropriate to mention gifts on an invitation or expect guests to bring food, I just wish that people had more supportive ways of answering others' questions.  People ask questions when they DON'T know the answers, because they are looking for support and suggestions.  If I were inkychick I'd probably feel pretty crappy after hoping for help and receiving the above responses.  We're not all wedding experts, and perhaps we should keep this in mind when answering people's questions. 
    Posted by tania0930[/QUOTE]

    I think it'd be pretty crappy NOT to mention to her that a potluck is a terrible, terrible idea for a wedding reception, whether it's traditional or an AHR. it's just a bad idea.
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    tania0930tania0930
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    It's not enough to simply say that these are bad ideas?  Instead things like this
    I have to bring "a dish to pass" to support YOUR party AND buy you a gift, but I don't get to see the ceremony? I'm sorry, as a guest I don't mind "showering" you with a gift or two (or three or four..) a month before I put on a pretty dress, watch you say "I Do" and drink/dance the night away... but when I have to bring my own food, and probably booze, I really won't be all that excited for you anymore. 
    were said.  This is one example of the responses I felt were a bit rude.  I'll stick to my wedding month board where everyone is incredibly sweet and knows how to say things without making people feel no so good.
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    MelissaAnne88MelissaAnne88 member
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    I'm pretty sure the PPs were just being honest and trying to show OP what it looks/feels like from a guest's perspective. If everyone came out and said "Umm, well, it's probably not a good idea..." then OP might think that it isn't that big of a deal. When, in fact, it's a pretty big deal.
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    aegrishaegrish member
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    Tania, rude or not, at least people are being honest. 

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    WiscisblissWiscisbliss
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    I don't think having a pot-luck is a terrible idea...  although, if you have a pot-luck, then I would not register for gifts. 


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    Milsey32Milsey32
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_appropriate-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:2068a3ab-cc71-4411-b5b9-e82edaf4da8aPost:27f7f703-d0c7-4206-b448-673b8871552c">Re: Is it appropriate to register if...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm pretty sure the PPs were just being honest and trying to show OP what it looks/feels like from a guest's perspective. <strong>If everyone came out and said "Umm, well, it's probably not a good idea..." then OP might think that it isn't that big of a deal. When, in fact, it's a pretty big deal.</strong>
    Posted by MelissaAnne88[/QUOTE]

    <div>Exactly this.
    <div>
    </div><div>@Tania-- It's a harsh world - I'm just trying to be blunt with my responses. If you can't handle it, don't acknowledge my posts/read my responses. </div><div>
    </div><div>@OP -- Like PPs said, honesty is the best policy. Majority of people on TK will say that potlucks are not acceptable. BBQs are definitely fun, though! [: </div></div>
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    cpm1223cpm1223
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    I agree with all the PP, a reception is for your guests, do not ask them to supply the food. If you are having a "reception" you need to supply all of the food & beverages for your guests.

    I was looking at your previous posts on other boards....did your bf propose (details please)....in your most recent posts you were waiting for him to buy you a ring. 
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    marinabreezemarinabreeze
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_appropriate-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:2068a3ab-cc71-4411-b5b9-e82edaf4da8aPost:d26c3538-9a8d-45e1-bb4c-7695910553a1">Re: Is it appropriate to register if...</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>It's not enough to simply say that these are bad ideas?</strong>  Instead things like this I have to bring "a dish to pass" to support YOUR party AND buy you a gift, but I don't get to see the ceremony? I'm sorry, as a guest I don't mind "showering" you with a gift or two (or three or four..) a month before I put on a pretty dress, watch you say "I Do" and drink/dance the night away... but when I have to bring my own food, and probably booze, I really won't be all that excited for you anymore.   were said.  <strong>This is one example of the responses I felt were a bit rude.  I'll stick to my wedding month board where </strong><strong>everyone is incredibly sweet and knows how to say things without making people feel no so good.</strong>
    Posted by tania0930[/QUOTE]
    How is this rude?  This particular poster was giving her perspective so the OP could see it from what may be an average guest's point of view.

    No, it's not enough to simply say that it was a bad idea, because if the OP doesn't know<em> why </em>it's a bad idea, she may be more likely to dismiss it.  If she knows <em>why</em> it's a bad idea, then at least she can understand PPs' perspectives and make an informed decision.

    If you want for people to just validate bad ideas and blow smoke up each others' butts, then your club board is great.  If you want real, blunt, honest responses so you don't do anything embarrassing or unnecessarily offensive, then posting here can be a very helpful experience.
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    StacyJennigesStacyJenniges
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    This is a hard one, I do think that proper etticate does not change with the times.  Like saying that it's inapproriate to say where you are registared, I agree not on the invitation but maybe on the hotel information, I like knowing where the couple is registared when I am invited to a wedding.  Why registar if no one knows where you are registared.

    As far as your question gos I would probably say not to include your registery on the invite, but you will proably have showers and people will probably want to bring you gifts to your BBQ so I would say it's just fine to register and if someone asks you then tell them where you registered at.

    And Tania0930  I agree with your statement way to go!
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    teachermegsteachermegs member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment
    inkychick- tell us a little bit more about your wedding.

    Personally I don't think you should register for gifts if you are not having a traditional reception and more of a "we got married, come party with us" type of party.

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    melntaittmelntaitt member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    Maybe it's not the best idea to expect people to feed themselves and purchase a gift as well.

    It's a lovely thought that people are that understanding, but I doubt it. I'm sure if they would like to initiate bringing a gift, that is fine, but making a specific request may not bode very well...makes the couple come off looking a little greedy or something.
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    courtney1188courtney1188 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_appropriate-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:2068a3ab-cc71-4411-b5b9-e82edaf4da8aPost:d26c3538-9a8d-45e1-bb4c-7695910553a1">Re: Is it appropriate to register if...</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's not enough to simply say that these are bad ideas?  Instead things like this I have to bring "a dish to pass" to support YOUR party AND buy you a gift, but I don't get to see the ceremony? I'm sorry, as a guest I don't mind "showering" you with a gift or two (or three or four..) a month before I put on a pretty dress, watch you say "I Do" and drink/dance the night away... but when I have to bring my own food, and probably booze, I really won't be all that excited for you anymore.   were said.  This is one example of the responses I felt were a bit rude.  I'll stick to my wedding month board where everyone is incredibly sweet and knows how to say things without making people feel no so good.
    Posted by tania0930[/QUOTE]

    Well everyone else feels that OP is rude for suggesting that people who aren't even invited to the wedding should provide food for a party for her and then give her gifts. So I guess it kind of evens out.

    The guests ARE going to be thinking what the post you quoted as being 'rude' said, so better for the OP to find out here than actually having her friends and family thinking this about her. Saying otherwise, as you're suggesting, would be like telling a friend she looks amazing in her new outfit just because you don't want to hurt her feelings, when in reality she looks horrible and everyone is thinking it. At least now she knows!
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    KelaReneeKelaRenee
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    edited April 2011
    I don't think potluck receptions are as big of a deal as most people think they are depending on the situation.  However, if you expect gifts you have to have a more traditional reception.

    My dad's best friend got remarried a few years ago and had a potluck reception.  Not everyone brought food, but a fair number of people volunteered to.  It was very low-key and I was the one who performed the wedding.  It was fun and sweet.

    For a first marriage of a young couple?  Probably not the best idea to go potluck.

    And there are much politer ways of telling OP your opinions.  No need to over-emphasize.  Say, it is a bad idea to ask people to bring food and a gift to your wedding.  This is supposed to be a reception to thank them for coming to your wedding. Do not include registry information on any of your invites.

    That gets the point across in a polite way.

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