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A wedding a year after the marriage...

SrasotasunshineSrasotasunshine member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Ok ladies I KNOW this is a topic that causes a stir!

But I am being faced with this issue first hand. A friend of mine and my DH is getting married and his FI asked me to be in the WP. At the time I was closer to her and I really care about our friend so I said yes. Well, they were supposed to get married this year but due to finances decided to have a big wedding next year BUT get married at the courthouse this year.

Now, I am not sure I even want to be a BM anymore as I am not very close with her anymore (our personalities just don't make for an even sided friendship but our friend loves her so we support him).  And she has gotten upset about details about my wedding (a post I made a year ago about a pattern freak out is in te archives).

So now I am not sure what to do. I am her only BM that is local so I would probably be expected to throw her shower and Bach party...but in my eyes if you are getting married at the courthouse and having a wedding a year later (which I don't agree with BUT they apparently live on a pink cloud of fluffiness) I would think that you forfeit those things. To me you forfeit the whole "wedding" if ou get married at the courthouse.

At this point I feel like I should just lay low and when the topic comes up just say "oh I didn't think you would have bridesmaids since it is a vow renewal!"

Thoughts?
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Re: A wedding a year after the marriage...

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Ugh, another one of those. Yes, it is a vow renewal.

    Do you already have your dress?

    It almost sounds like she knows you are the only local BM, therefore able to plan all the pre-wedding parties.
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    SrasotasunshineSrasotasunshine member
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    Nope...no dress no obligations. I feel like hitting it home by giving them a small wedding present to say congrats and when they have their "wedding" give them a card, no gift and write "happy vow renewal!!! We love you!"

    :)
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    TurtlesAllTheWayDownTurtlesAllTheWayDown member
    First Comment Combo Breaker First Anniversary
    I definitely wouldn't plan the pre-parties, no matter if you stand up with her or not. I actually kind of like your passive-agressiveness in this situation.
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    ahhhitsshannynahhhitsshannyn member
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    edited April 2011
    I would say if you are wanting to plan your PPD, there is a website called TK, and they have GREAT advice about vow renewals! :)
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    SrasotasunshineSrasotasunshine member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9e548fc8-a3ec-4267-9648-c9c753eed7faPost:9e57e2c6-9d62-40b8-959f-838f528df07e">Re: A wedding a year after the marriage...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I definitely wouldn't plan the pre-parties, no matter if you stand up with her or not. I actually kind of like your passive-agressiveness in this situation.
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]


    Why thank you;-)
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    GeauxTigers17GeauxTigers17 member
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    I completely agree on the no pre-wedding party planning. I'd act really confused about the topic if she brought it up. 

    On a similar note, there's a girl on my club board who wants a shower even though she's already married, and I think I'm the only one who said not to do it. Apparently this marriage - then - "PPD" happens more than I ever realized. 
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    No way in hell would I plan pre-wedding parties.  If she actually was rude enough to ask for one, I'd be honest and say I didn't feel comfortable being involved in those kinds of things since she was already married.  

    I love the idea of giving a gift now and a VW card later.  

    Are you comfortable talking to the friend about this?  I know you aren't close to the bride anymore, but what about the groom?  It could be that they really haven't considered how their family and friends are going to react to a fake wedding, you know?  
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    bmoruzzibmoruzzi member
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    I think it's better to just be upfront with her and tell her you don't feel comfortable anymore to be a BM.  Why be passive aggressive?  
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    TurtlesAllTheWayDownTurtlesAllTheWayDown member
    First Comment Combo Breaker First Anniversary
    FWIW, if you WANT to throw the b-party or shower (or help out) I would bring it up this year, before her real wedding. Like, "Oh, you're getting married in July? Not much time to plan a shower!" If she says she wants it after her wedding and before her PPD, then you can be "confused" about having it after she's married.
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    courtney1188courtney1188 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9e548fc8-a3ec-4267-9648-c9c753eed7faPost:23c9015a-af19-4009-971e-d8761ef95ec4">A wedding a year after the marriage...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok ladies I KNOW this is a topic that causes a stir! But I am being faced with this issue first hand. A friend of mine and my DH is getting married and his FI asked me to be in the WP. At the time I was closer to her and I really care about our friend so I said yes. Well, they were supposed to get married this year but due to finances decided to have a big wedding next year BUT get married at the courthouse this year. Now, I am not sure I even want to be a BM anymore as I am not very close with her anymore (our personalities just don't make for an even sided friendship but our friend loves her so we support him).  And she has gotten upset about details about my wedding (a post I made a year ago about a pattern freak out is in te archives). So now I am not sure what to do. I am her only BM that is local so I would probably be expected to throw her shower and Bach party...but in my eyes if you are getting married at the courthouse and having a wedding a year later (which I don't agree with BUT they apparently live on a pink cloud of fluffiness) I would think that you forfeit those things. <strong>To me you forfeit the whole "wedding" if ou get married at the courthouse. At this point I feel like I should just lay low and when the topic comes up just say "oh I didn't think you would have bridesmaids since it is a vow renewal!" Thoughts?</strong>
    Posted by Srasotasunshine[/QUOTE]

    This times a freaking million. These 'brides' drive me crazy for that exact reason - you got married at the courthouse, you decided that was more important than having a big wedding. Now you're already married, you don't get two weddings to the same person get over it!
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    Milsey32Milsey32
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9e548fc8-a3ec-4267-9648-c9c753eed7faPost:d90b302d-3828-4d17-9fc4-2060745cdd7a">Re: A wedding a year after the marriage...</a>:
    [QUOTE]No way in hell would I plan pre-wedding parties.  If she actually was rude enough to ask for one, I'd be honest and say I didn't feel comfortable being involved in those kinds of things since she was already married.   <strong>I love the idea of giving a gift now and a VW card later. </strong>  Are you comfortable talking to the friend about this?  I know you aren't close to the bride anymore, but what about the groom?  It could be that they really haven't considered how their family and friends are going to react to a fake wedding, you know?  
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I'm sorry MyNameIsNot but I kept thinking of what VW was standing for and I came up with "vow weeenewal" and I said it like 5 times to myself and giggled. [:</div><div>
    </div><div>I agree though... it's a year later, so it's not a wedding. </div>
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    Milsey32Milsey32
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    p.s. OP - I like your photo soooo much! 
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    SrasotasunshineSrasotasunshine member
    First Comment
    Thanks ladies. I can't really be straight forward...Hence the pink fluffy cloud of ignorance they live in. So, I will have to be passive aggressive about this one. I think I was looking for a permit to do so! I'm a therapist so it is hard for me to not be assertive...but not every situation calls for it!

    And thanks Milsey! I am having a hard time deciding on our official wedding photo (ordering an 11x14 matted portrait)...and I think that one is it,  only if they can make our faces stand out  bit more. And it is HUGE when I post so apologies for an intrusive picture! ;-)
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    DeadUtopiaDeadUtopia member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Ok...so I would def not expect bridal showers or anything like that for a courthouse ceremony.

    That being said, what is the big deal on these boards about having a church ceremony after a courthouse ceremony? I know everyone on here gets an angry hair up their a$$ if they don't call it a 'vow renewal,' but why is the general consensus that it is wrong to have a religious ceremony and traditional reception later when you can afford it?
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    courtney1188courtney1188 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited April 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9e548fc8-a3ec-4267-9648-c9c753eed7faPost:af448e2a-0dba-48e1-91fa-92d75f9dca41">Re: A wedding a year after the marriage...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok...so I would def not expect bridal showers or anything like that for a courthouse ceremony. That being said, what is the big deal on these boards about having a church ceremony after a courthouse ceremony? I know everyone on here gets an angry hair up their a$$ if they don't call it a 'vow renewal,' but why is the general consensus that it is wrong to have a religious ceremony and traditional reception later when you can afford it?
    Posted by DeadUtopia[/QUOTE]

    Because a vow renewal is not a wedding. And people get all angry when others say this, like we're making it up or something, instead of it being a true fact. Most of us waited till we could afford it to have our wedding. Yeah, sometimes I want to be married NOW, but it's important to me to have a wedding day with a nice reception and my friends and family there, so I'm waiting. It's wrong to pass something up as a wedding when it simply is not. And to be honest, I (and most girls here) find it pretty silly to have a vow renewal when you haven't even been married for that long. But when it comes down to it, I really just find it silly for an already married couple to have a wedding. It's like having a birthday party five months after your birthday takes places.
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    SrasotasunshineSrasotasunshine member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9e548fc8-a3ec-4267-9648-c9c753eed7faPost:af448e2a-0dba-48e1-91fa-92d75f9dca41">Re: A wedding a year after the marriage...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok...so I would def not expect bridal showers or anything like that for a courthouse ceremony. That being said, <strong>what is the big deal on these boards about having a church ceremony after a courthouse ceremony? I know everyone on here gets an angry hair up their a$$ if they don't call it a 'vow renewal,' but why is the general consensus that it is wrong to have a religious ceremony and traditional reception later when you can afford it?</strong>
    Posted by DeadUtopia[/QUOTE]


    We waited 7 years to get engaged and then had an 18 month engagement in order to have the wedding we wanted. It seems odd to expect people to show up for a wedding when the people are already married. With gifts in tow...you have a wedding to GET married.

    When it comes down to it, yes it is personal choice. However, you truly are renewing your vows. You have already made the commitment of marriage to someone (it HAS to be officiated in the state of FL so that would be your wedding ceremony). So, really you are renewing your vows. You have already spoken them once...a year ago.

    You just have to pick...what is more important. Being married RIGHT NOW or having a "traditional" wedding to GET married.

    and I chopped my hair off after the wedding so no hair anywhere near my rear end<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
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    DeadUtopiaDeadUtopia member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9e548fc8-a3ec-4267-9648-c9c753eed7faPost:c7fb827e-55c5-471d-96cd-144685a2753c">Re: A wedding a year after the marriage...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: A wedding a year after the marriage... : We waited 7 years to get engaged and then had an 18 month engagement in order to have the wedding we wanted. It seems odd to expect people to show up for a wedding when the people are already married. With gifts in tow...you have a wedding to GET married. When it comes down to it, yes it is personal choice. However, you truly are renewing your vows. You have already made the commitment of marriage to someone (it HAS to be officiated in the state of FL so that would be your wedding ceremony). So, really you are renewing your vows. You have already spoken them once...a year ago. You just have to pick...what is more important. Being married RIGHT NOW or having a "traditional" wedding to GET married. and<strong> I chopped my hair off after the wedding so no hair anywhere near my rear end</strong>
    Posted by Srasotasunshine[/QUOTE]


    LOL! No offense intended, just a figure of speech :)
    I get that it isn't a wedding ceremony, but I can imagine a lot of reasons why someone would want to be legally married before they can afford to do what they want (ie-pregnancy, spouse being deployed, etc.) IMO, I don't see anything wrong with wanting to have you vows renewed in a house of worship if that is something that you wanted to do, but just couldn't do in the time you had and wanting a nice reception afterwards. I do agree that it should be referred to as a VR, but I've seen so many poor girls on here get ripped to shreds for even considering this. They're told that they missed their opportunity when they went into that courthouse, and I just think that's the wrong mentality as long as they know that it isn't a 'wedding' and that they shouldn't expect showers or gifts or things of that nature.
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    DeadUtopiaDeadUtopia member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    BTW, I'm on the same page with you, we've been engaged for 4 years and still have almost a year and a half to our wedding date so we can afford what we want. At one point, we considered marrying at the courthouse and at our one year anniversary having the reception to celebrate our marriage (minus gifts & showers etc, just a formal anniversary party really) but I really wanted a church ceremony and I wanted our vows to be our vows so we decided to wait until we could afford it all.
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    SrasotasunshineSrasotasunshine member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9e548fc8-a3ec-4267-9648-c9c753eed7faPost:7382848c-65b6-4d80-b96f-dccfb67a60fd">Re: A wedding a year after the marriage...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: A wedding a year after the marriage... : LOL! No offense intended, just a figure of speech :) I get that it isn't a wedding ceremony, but I can imagine a lot of reasons why someone would want to be legally married before they can afford to do what they want (ie-pregnancy, spouse being deployed, etc.) IMO, I don't see anything wrong with wanting to have you vows renewed in a house of worship if that is something that you wanted to do, but just couldn't do in the time you had and wanting a nice reception afterwards. I do agree that it should be referred to as a VR, but I've seen so many poor girls on here get ripped to shreds for even considering this. They're told that they missed their opportunity when they went into that courthouse, and I just think that's the wrong mentality as long as they know that it isn't a 'wedding' and that they shouldn't expect showers or gifts or things of that nature.
    Posted by DeadUtopia[/QUOTE]

    I do see your point as th boards can get pretty snarky BUT sarcasm and vocal tones aren't easily conveyed in a board post:)

    But the bottom line with this wedding I'm dealing with...is it is being called a WEDDING with all the trimmings. UGH.
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    DeadUtopiaDeadUtopia member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    See, now that I don't get.
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    SnippylynnSnippylynn member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    Utopia, I understand what you're considering the difference here.  For you, it's about the RELIGIOUS ceremony taking precedence over a STATE ceremony.  If that's truly the case, then it's maybe different. 

    However.

    I would easily say that 95% of the time it is NOT about the religious ceremony.  Let's be honest.  Anyone who feels that the words being spoken in a house of worship is more important than signing the document, well, they're most likely not going to be pregnant before the wedding. 

    And here's an important point.  There is a HUGE difference between getting married on what you can afford (which is perfectly fine!!) and throwing a giant PPD splash.  At the end of the day, you're married.  The way you CELEBRATE it is the only thing that differs.  It is totally okay to invite some people, have the ceremony in your HoW, and have a cake and punch reception.  That's actually the most traditional thing you can do!  So, the excuse that they can't afford the wedding is lame. 
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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9e548fc8-a3ec-4267-9648-c9c753eed7faPost:ce431d3f-428f-4524-a913-b9d3c9d0eb38">Re: A wedding a year after the marriage...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: A wedding a year after the marriage... : Because a vow renewal is not a wedding. And people get all angry when others say this, like we're making it up or something, instead of it being a true fact. Most of us waited till we could afford it to have our wedding. Yeah, sometimes I want to be married NOW, but it's important to me to have a wedding day with a nice reception and my friends and family there, so I'm waiting. It's wrong to pass something up as a wedding when it simply is not. And to be honest, I (and most girls here) find it pretty silly to have a vow renewal when you haven't even been married for that long. But when it comes down to it, I really just find it silly for an already married couple to have a wedding. <strong>It's like having a birthday party five months after your birthday takes places.</strong>
    Posted by courtney1188[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is a perfect comparison. I would like to borrow it when the next inevitable vow renewal 'bride' comes through.</div>
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    Ramiau3Ramiau3 member
    First Comment
    Not that I am disagreeing with the above posts, I believe you should decline invitation to be in the wedding party.  Mostly because you really don't seem "in to it", you should decline on that alone. You should NOT stand up next to a bride when you heart isn't in to it, period! I would hate to think that anyone standing at my ceremony wasn't in it whole heartedly. 

    With that said.  There is a tradition, one that often gets over looked, where you hold a private (or small, just nearest and dearest) "wedding" ceremony and a year-and-a-day later have a public wedding.  Usually it's the other way around from what is currently being stated.  The first ceremony is NOT the legal one and the second it.  This is called a handfasting and it is proper amoung those of Pagan faiths.  I have been invited to a number of these.  Usually there is no gift given at the first ceremony (this can be loosely discribed as an engagement with an officiant) or pre-wedding parties.  All parties are held at the public (larger)ceremony.  I have known a few handfastings to be done the other way around where the legal ceremony comes first, but less common and usually done in cases where the bride is pregnant or other time is of the essance situations, and it would be considered "backwards".  The only reason I add this is because having two ceremonies is not always unheard of or improper.  :)
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    SnippylynnSnippylynn member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9e548fc8-a3ec-4267-9648-c9c753eed7faPost:71b4bfb0-3a8e-49bb-969e-afb372a27eb1">Re: A wedding a year after the marriage...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Not that I am disagreeing with the above posts, I believe you should decline invitation to be in the wedding party.  Mostly because you really don't seem "in to it", you should decline on that alone. You should NOT stand up next to a bride when you heart isn't in to it, period! I would hate to think that anyone standing at my ceremony wasn't in it whole heartedly.  With that said.  There is a tradition, one that often gets over looked, where you hold a private (or small, just nearest and dearest) "wedding" ceremony and a year-and-a-day later have a public wedding.  Usually it's the other way around from what is currently being stated.  The first ceremony is NOT the legal one and the second it.  This is called a handfasting and it is proper amoung those of Pagan faiths.  I have been invited to a number of these.  Usually there is no gift given at the first ceremony (this can be loosely discribed as an engagement with an officiant) or pre-wedding parties.  All parties are held at the public (larger)ceremony.  I have known a few handfastings to be done the other way around where the legal ceremony comes first, but less common and usually done in cases where the bride is pregnant or other time is of the essance situations, and it would be considered "backwards".  The only reason I add this is because having two ceremonies is not always unheard of or improper.  :)
    Posted by Ramiau3[/QUOTE]

    oh ffs
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    Goldlie11Goldlie11
    First Comment
    As silly as I think vow renewals are, I say have one if you want.  Just be honest about it.  However, don't expect me to go out of my way to attend it.  I would attend if the party was local and I wasn't busy that day/night.  I wouldn't bring a gift, which is proper etiquette when you are not invited to the ceremony.   

    To the OP, I would just be upfront with the bride.  I would ask her if she intends to still have a wedding party since technically she is not having a wedding.  
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    SrasotasunshineSrasotasunshine member
    First Comment
    The thing is I am close to her FI and one of our close friends is one of HIS GMs.

    What is so wrong with waiting? And if you can't wait just call it what it is.

    As for a handfasting, yes I have heard of this. My mother is Wiccan. However, these friends are "Christian" So, in this case it would not be an appropriate solution.

    I am going to take my next opportunity when we see them to chat about this whole thing and let her know how I feel. Quite frankly I have just been avoiding her as I really don't like being around her when its just the two of us. When other friends are around she is fine. I have a feeling I may lose a friend (in him) but at this point in my life I have bigger things to worry about. 
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