No idea what to do!!!

sgriffin1686 · October 2010

Ok ladies bear with me. This is a unique situation. I have a friend that I have know for almost 10 years. Until recently she was a lesbian. I say until recently because she is now going throught the transition from female to male. I am going to be her maid of honor in her wedding once her transition is complete and she keeps mentioning to that she expects to be in my wedding party. We already have 1 too many guys and she won't wear a dress. On top of all of that my parents have never really liked her. We lost touch for a while and though we do still talk we are not as close as we once were. I have no idea what to do are how to tell her she's probably not going to be in my wedding. Please help.

bablingbrooke · October 2010

So...okay.

Mentioning her sex change and sexuality was completely irrelevant and I can't help but think that you're judging her for it. Disagree with it all you want, but don't bring it up as if it's something she should be ashamed of or that is wrong with her. If that wasn't your intention, great. That's just how it came across.

Wedding parties don't have to be even. Many of us had uneven sides and were perfectly happy with it; I'm one of them.

Taking that all away, this boils down to a VERY common scenario: She wants you in her WP and you don't want her in yours. WPs aren't tit-for-tat and you don't owe her a spot. So don't ask her if you don't want her. It's as simple as that. But make sure you're keeping her out for the right reasons. I will say that, given your attitude toward her, it might be a good idea for both of you if you gradually remove yourself from her life. She's being judged by a lot of people and will continue to be--she doesn't need that from a friend, too.

ETA: Don't have the conversation with her. Just ask your WP and don't say anything to her. If she asks if she's in the WP, just tell her you couldn't have included everyone but you're excited to see her at the wedding as a guest. If she asks why, don't indulge her--change the subject. It's wrong of her to ask, and it's just as wrong of you to elaborate on why, particularly because it seems like her sexuality is a big reason for it.

ETA2: I'm just going to caution you about putting style over substance. The "look" of the WP is far less important than who is in it. Hopefully you'll keep that in mind.

kathrynhabibti · October 2010

I agree with all of that, Brooke.

heyimbren · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6968a75e-680e-42ca-949f-9a59d9728b69Post:326e4ee7-1cc1-4d6e-bf8e-c2bb017ffa5f">No idea what to do!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok ladies bear with me. This is a unique situation. I have a friend that I have know for almost 10 years. Until recently she was a lesbian. I say until recently because she is now going throught the transition from female to male. I am going to be her maid of honor in her wedding once her transition is complete and she keeps mentioning to that she expects to be in my wedding party. We already have 1 too many guys and she won't wear a dress. On top of all of that my parents have never really liked her. We lost touch for a while and though we do still talk we are not as close as we once were. I have no idea what to do are how to tell her she's probably not going to be in my wedding. Please help.
Posted by sgriffin1686[/QUOTE]

Ditto Brooke.

First of all, her gender and sexuality really don't have anything to do with the situation.

Even sides are not important in WP at all. I also don't see why it's such a big deal for "her" to wear a dress. She's going through the F to M transition, so why would he then wear a dress? It doesn't make sense to expect that. Neither does it matter too much if your parents like your friend or not. It's <u>your</u> WP.

But, if you two simply aren't close friends you don't have to ask him to be in your WP just because you were in his. Just don't tell him that he isn't in the WP. If he asks, you can be upfront and honest and just say that you picked it already and leave it at that.

trix1223 · October 2010

Read Brooke's answer. Only read it using my voice. And then pretend that I said it. Because it's just what I would have said.

ETA: But I feel compelled to add: once her gender reassignment surgery is complete, of course he won't want to wear a dress. Are you asking any of the other men in your WP to wear dresses? Once her surgery is complete, she's no longer a woman.

Beachy730 · October 2010

If you really want her(him) in your WP, then don't worry about gender or or even sides. Since your wedding is after her surgery, she will be a he and can stand on your side in a tux if you want him.

Don't base your decision on aesthetics, but on your friendship. If you just really don't want him in your WP, which is perfectly fine, don't have him. As brooke said, just ask your WP, and when he asks you about it, just say that you couldn't include everyone in your WP, or say you kept it to family or whatever your situation is.

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

It's not really all that unusual for straight women to wear formal pantsuits, even at an event like a wedding. They're commonly sold as MOB attire, and I've seen bridesmaids and even brides in them. I don't see why you would have a problem with someone who is actualy a man wearing male formalwear.

The information about hir gender reassignment is irrelevant and makes you sound horrifyingly judgmental. It's a very simple and very common issue. If you want hir standing up with you when you get married, ask, regardless of numbers, physical proximity, attire, or any other such nonsense. If you aren't really very close friends, don't ask.

sgriffin1686 · October 2010

I am actually one of the only people in his life that does accept his decision. I have been there since day one and in no way, shape, or form disagree with it. I have even gone to support meetings with him. Therefore, if you don't have any helpful advice don't comment. I don't need someone who doesn't know me telling me that I am judging someone or that I have a problem with they're lifestyle and choice. If you have helpful advice please feel free to let me know. My issue is hurting his feelings. I would like him to be a part of the wedding somehow but I don't really know how to do that without causing problems with everyone else. I'm quite aware that he would not wear a dress. Perhaps I worded that incorrectly. I would never ask, even before the transition began. I was just trying to find a happy medium for everyone involved.

sgriffin1686 · October 2010

Would he still stand on my side in a tux and just walk solo or on my fiance's side and walk with one of the bridesmaids? Or does it really matter? This is the kind of thing I need help with.

bablingbrooke · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6968a75e-680e-42ca-949f-9a59d9728b69Post:504ba6fd-5569-46bf-89ea-9b0003d88abb">Re: No idea what to do!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am actually one of the only people in his life that does accept his decision. I have been there since day one and in no way, shape, or form disagree with it. I have even gone to support meetings with him. Therefore, if you don't have any helpful advice don't comment. I don't need someone who doesn't know me telling me that I am judging someone or that I have a problem with they're lifestyle and choice. If you have helpful advice please feel free to let me know. My issue is hurting his feelings. I would like him to be a part of the wedding somehow but I don't really know how to do that without causing problems with everyone else. I'm quite aware that he would not wear a dress. Perhaps I worded that incorrectly. I would never ask, even before the transition began. I was just trying to find a happy medium for everyone involved.
Posted by sgriffin1686[/QUOTE]
Reread what you posted. It comes across as judgmental. If 8 different people got the opposite impression of what you meant, then YOU need to work on being clear in your writing. I was a writing TA last year and I'm going to tell you what I told my kids: If you have to tell me verbally what you meant to say in your paper, then you didn't write it clearly enough--write what you just told me.<div>
</div><div>You got advice on what to do: Ask if you want him, don't ask if you don't. People have mixed-gender WPs all the time. Substance is more important than form. If Great Aunt Gladys doesn't like it, too bad. I don't see how none of the advice you got was helpful on the matter.</div>

bablingbrooke · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6968a75e-680e-42ca-949f-9a59d9728b69Post:bcbd273c-47c8-47b6-b64e-5b1f14f8441f">Re: No idea what to do!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Would he still stand on my side in a tux and just walk solo or on my fiance's side and walk with one of the bridesmaids? Or does it really matter? This is the kind of thing I need help with.
Posted by sgriffin1686[/QUOTE]
He could do any of the above. Stage had a male MOH and he stood on her side. He could walk in solo, he could walk in with a BM. DH and I had uneven sides so his GM stood up with him and the BMs walked in solo, then they just paired off during the recessional and the last GM scooped up the last two BMs (he specifically asked to be the one to escort two). The possibilities are endless.

trix1223 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6968a75e-680e-42ca-949f-9a59d9728b69Post:bcbd273c-47c8-47b6-b64e-5b1f14f8441f">Re: No idea what to do!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Would he still stand on my side in a tux and just walk solo or on my fiance's side and walk with one of the bridesmaids? Or does it really matter? This is the kind of thing I need help with.
Posted by sgriffin1686[/QUOTE]

My friend had her brother as her honor attendant and her DH had his sister as his honor attendant. Bride's brother wore the same tuxes as the men and stood on her side next to her. Groom's sister wore the same dress as the bridesmaids and stood next to her brother.

Since her attendants came down the aisle separately, it wasn't a big deal to have him walk solo.

If he's your attendant, why would he stand on your FI's side? He stands on your side. As for leaving the ceremony.....he can escort a BM, he can walk solo, everyone can walk solo (weave one at a time) or **gasp** two men can actually walk side by side before/after the ceremony.

tidetravel · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6968a75e-680e-42ca-949f-9a59d9728b69Post:504ba6fd-5569-46bf-89ea-9b0003d88abb">Re: No idea what to do!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am actually one of the only people in his life that does accept his decision. I have been there since day one and in no way, shape, or form disagree with it. I have even gone to support meetings with him. Therefore, if you don't have any helpful advice don't comment. I don't need someone who doesn't know me telling me that I am judging someone or that I have a problem with they're lifestyle and choice. If you have helpful advice please feel free to let me know. My issue is hurting his feelings. I would like him to be a part of the wedding somehow but I don't really know how to do that without causing problems with everyone else. I'm quite aware that he would not wear a dress. Perhaps I worded that incorrectly. I would never ask, even before the transition began. I was just trying to find a happy medium for everyone involved.
Posted by sgriffin1686[/QUOTE]

It shouldn't matter what everyone else thinks of him. He's your friend, and if you choose to honor that friendship by asking him to be in your wedding party, that's your decision. There shouldn't be a "happy medium" to consider. If Great Aunt Gertrude has a problem with a transgender member of your wedding party, someone needs to tell her, not so politely, to eff off.

sgriffin1686 · October 2010

I never thought of having him stand on my side. I'm just so use to the "traditional" wedding. Thanks for the sugestions

kathrynhabibti · October 2010

[QUOTE]I never thought of having him stand on my side. I'm just so use to the "traditional" wedding. Thanks for the sugestions
Posted by sgriffin1686[/QUOTE]
There are loads of them around here. Good luck :^)

trix1223 · October 2010

Google uneven wedding parties. You'll find plenty of photos that will set your mind at ease. Also remember: WP's are no longer about symmetry or gender. The sole purpose of a WP is to have those you care most about stand with you during your wedding ceremony.

bablingbrooke · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6968a75e-680e-42ca-949f-9a59d9728b69Post:1b8a0b8e-41af-4f76-8f3d-0d3f95e69845">Re: No idea what to do!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I never thought of having him stand on my side. I'm just so use to the "traditional" wedding. Thanks for the sugestions
Posted by sgriffin1686[/QUOTE]
Glad you found it helpful! Good luck!

Belle2Be · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6968a75e-680e-42ca-949f-9a59d9728b69Post:326e4ee7-1cc1-4d6e-bf8e-c2bb017ffa5f">No idea what to do!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok ladies bear with me. This is a unique situation. I have a friend that I have know for almost 10 years. Until recently she was a lesbian. I say until recently because she is now going throught the transition from female to male. I am going to be her maid of honor in her wedding once her transition is complete and she keeps mentioning to that she expects to be in my wedding party. We already have 1 too many guys and she won't wear a dress. On top of all of that my parents have never really liked her. We lost touch for a while and though we do still talk we are not as close as we once were. I have no idea what to do are how to tell her she's probably not going to be in my wedding. Please help.
Posted by sgriffin1686[/QUOTE]

If you aren't very close to her anymore, why do you want to be in her wedding? She probably wont wear a dress because she considers herself a man, you should probably do the same? Be honest, we're a bunch of strangers anyway, why do you really not want him in your wedding? If he's your friend, why can't he wear a suit and stand up on your side?

Scratch that, saw your update :) Have fun!

Belle2Be · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6968a75e-680e-42ca-949f-9a59d9728b69Post:bcbd273c-47c8-47b6-b64e-5b1f14f8441f">Re: No idea what to do!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Would he still stand on my side in a tux and just walk solo or on my fiance's side and walk with one of the bridesmaids? Or does it really matter? This is the kind of thing I need help with.
Posted by sgriffin1686[/QUOTE]
If he's standing for you, have him wear a tux and stand on your side :)

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

My brother stood on my side. The groomsmen were wearing white tuxes and the bridesmaids were in black, so he wore a black tux in a similar style. We also had a groomswoman, so they walked down the aisle together. It really is just a matter of what's most comfortable for everyone involved. This page would be a good reference: http://offbeatbride.com/2009/07/butch-wedding-suits

One of my friends is transgender male-to-female, and she wears women's clothing that she gets from, as far as I know, the standard shopping locations. I think she usually needs extra length because she's very tall, but other than that, were she in a wedding she would be wearing the same thing as the other bridesmaids.

No idea what to do!!!

Re: No idea what to do!!!

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