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asking a bridesmaid to step down...

ajr1211ajr1211 member
First Comment
in Wedding Party
I realize this is hardly appropriate, but it has to be done. I love my friend with all of my heart. But she has pretty much shut me out. She will only talk to me if her and her on and off baby daddy are having problems. That is not an exaggeration either. I've tried numerous times to include her in wedding things, and even just get together. She doesn't respond to me at all. At first when I asked her she was thrilled, and now its like we are not even friends. I just can't have the stress of trying to push her to be in this wedding. I asked all my bridesmaids to go dress shopping with me, everyone responded but her, I asked all my bridesmaids a number they would like to stay under for their dresses, everyone responded but her, I've texted her numerous times to grab lunch or to come over and have a play date with the kids. She has not gotten back to me at all, I know she isn't busy because she has been talking to friends of ours and is constantly on facebook.

How do I go about this.
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Re: asking a bridesmaid to step down...

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    FancypantsamyFancypantsamy member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_asking-a-bridesmaid-to-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c6db7046-9340-4a56-b1df-24966c68ef91Post:303fd517-2c9f-41e4-823c-8022a489c193">asking a bridesmaid to step down...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I realize this is hardly appropriate, but it has to be done. I love my friend with all of my heart. But she has pretty much shut me out. She will only talk to me if her and her on and off baby daddy are having problems. That is not an exaggeration either. I've tried numerous times to include her in wedding things, and even just get together. She doesn't respond to me at all. At first when I asked her she was thrilled, and now its like we are not even friends. I just can't have the stress of trying to push her to be in this wedding. I asked all my bridesmaids to go dress shopping with me, everyone responded but her, I asked all my bridesmaids a number they would like to stay under for their dresses, everyone responded but her, I've texted her numerous times to grab lunch or to come over and have a play date with the kids. She has not gotten back to me at all, I know she isn't busy because she has been talking to friends of ours and is constantly on facebook. How do I go about this.
    Posted by ajr1211[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>Have you actually called her up and asked her what's going on? Forget your wedding for a second - if this person mattered enough to be part of your big day, then she should matter enough where you're less concerned abotu getting her to step down and more concerned about what's going on to make her act this way. </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: also, you're over a year away from your wedding. I've never ordered a BM dress before the 6 month mark. Slow your roll a tiny bit and see how things play out. </div>
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    Girlie1030Girlie1030 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_asking-a-bridesmaid-to-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c6db7046-9340-4a56-b1df-24966c68ef91Post:303fd517-2c9f-41e4-823c-8022a489c193">asking a bridesmaid to step down...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I realize this is hardly appropriate, but it has to be done. I love my friend with all of my heart. But she has pretty much shut me out. She will only talk to me if her and her on and off baby daddy are having problems. That is not an exaggeration either. I've tried numerous times to include her in wedding things, and even just get together. She doesn't respond to me at all. At first when I asked her she was thrilled, and now its like we are not even friends. I just can't have the stress of trying to push her to be in this wedding. I asked all my bridesmaids to go dress shopping with me, everyone responded but her, I asked all my bridesmaids a number they would like to stay under for their dresses, everyone responded but her, I've texted her numerous times to grab lunch or to come over and have a play date with the kids. She has not gotten back to me at all, I know she isn't busy because she has been talking to friends of ours and is constantly on facebook. How do I go about this.
    Posted by ajr1211[/QUOTE]

    Your wedding isn't for another year.  Try working on the friendship right now.  If she's not returning messages, your next one should be "Friend, I'm worried about you and am here if you want to talk or need anything.". 
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    PJSPJSPJSPJS
    First Comment
    edited September 2012
    As Fancypants said, I also would wait and see how things play out. (Someone here is bound to tell you that asking her to step down would be a "friendship-ending move.")
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    Wife KittyWife Kitty member
    First Comment
    edited September 2012
    A piece of perspective: It sounds like she might be experiencing some sadness because while your romantic life is going great (heck, you're getting married!), her own is facing a lot of uncertainty (you imply that there's a man in her life who's had a child with her, but who isn't always in the picture and doesn't sound likely to stay committed to them). When you're going through such hard times with your love life, and especially if you're trying to be a good mom on top of that, it can be really hard to stay excited for engaged friends. She might not know how to relate to you right now because your paths are taking different directions. Not only that, but as the other posters have noted, the wedding is still a long way off, and she doesn't see any need to rush to get bridesmaid things done just yet.

    She could also be afraid that you'll drift apart once the wedding is over, and she will have lost a friend at the time when it sounds like she needs a friend the most. I know it's hard not to take it personally when you try to reach out to her and she doesn't seem to want to get involved, but she could just be feeling overwhelmed. And sometimes when people are overwhelmed - and they're also worried about disappointing people they love who are counting a lot on them (i.e. YOU, the new bride, who's super excited for everything to get going right away, now now now) - their default response is to shut down and not say anything.

    So imagine how hurt she would be if you asked her not to be in the wedding anymore. If she already has mixed emotions about this, asking her to step down is going to make it a lot worse. Don't do something you'll regret. Don't leave your friend behind.
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Kicking her out is incredibly nasty, and a friendship ending move.  If you actually loved this girl, you would never dream of treating her that way.

    You need to adjust your expectations.  The job of a BM is to get her dress and to stand at the ceremony.  She doesn't have to go dress shopping with you, talk about planning, or anything else you seem to think she should be doing.  She is a friend, not a planner.  Stop asking her to do these things.

    If you actually do care about her, call her and see what is going on with her.  Your wedding is really far in the future, and there is simply no reason for her to care about it right now.  
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    myrinaemyrinae member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    You can either be a friend or an ass. Either way, it's a decision that will be with you long after your single PPD. 
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    s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Call her and ask her what's up. Do you know the hours she's at home? Drop by with a coffee/bottle of wine/6 pack/cake and try to spend a few minutes together. Don't ask her to step down unless you want to "break-up" with her
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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    If she wants to drop out, she'll do it on her own. Booting her will only destroy your friendship with her, and it'll make you look like a bridezilla, a shiitty friend, and a really bad person.

    Get her the info about what dress to order and then leave the ball in her court. If she orders it and shows up to the wedding, she's in. If not, she can attend as a guest. You don't need to make this decision months and months in advance. The decision to back out needs to be hers.

    There's no "asking her to step down." You're not ASKING her to step down from a paid position like she's on a committee or something, you're TELLING her that she's out. Saying that you're "asking her to step down" doesn't make it any less mean or rude, it's just trying to polish a turd and make yourself look better.

    Stop making this all about her involvement in your wedding. It sounds like she's got a rough life right now. Keep trying to get in touch with her and DO NOT mention your wedding at all. She's probably ignoring you because the conversations keep leading back to your wedding and what you expect from her for it.
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