40-Plus Brides

Hormonal, Cold Feet or Just Crazy? oh and Introduction...

We have been engaged for just over a year and I have been on the Knot for almost as long and just found out that if I check the little arrow near the Special Topics there are other Boards. Wow, a little computer ilterate, but really glad I found this board. Hope that someone may have some ideas into this issue I may have. Anyway a little bit about us. We are getting married in Maui in Oct. It has been a roller coaster of sorts and I am starting to think some of it has to do with hormones.  I am 43, FI 51. This will be a second marriage for both of us. When I met him I had no desire to ever marry again and told him so. He was ready a few months into our relationship but let me work things out and grasp my love on my time. I am completely in love with this man and I honestly can say I can't wait to be his wife, but lately I come up with some crazy stuff. I have never been a jealous person but I find that even him talking to the 60 yr old receptionist at his work has me asking him questions. This past weekend we decided it was time to pull our credit reports. We wanted to be open and start working on our retirement plans together and we knew there was some garbage from our divorces that we needed to clean up.  Well we pulled my first one and then the internet went down. We were sitting in the den together.  I didn't think too much about it and we went to dinner.  When we got home I called the service company and they said there was no service going into the house, so they sent a tech out the next morning.  When the tech came we were not home but he called to say all was well and that "the plug had just pulled out".  I'm think how the heck??? Immediately I looked at FI and accused him of pulling the plug.  He was quite mad and after an argument left to the store.  While he was gone he called the tech back and asked him to explain better how this "plug" could have come undone.  The poor tech actually did call me back and told me that it happens all the time and no one actually pulled it but it just came loose. I felt horrible. Now it seems so far fetched but at the time I honestly felt sure that FI had done something.  I have no reason to believe this. He has never cheated, takes great care in knowing that he loves me, and even when I do go off he trys to fix it.  Last night I just mentioned that maybe some of this was hormonal he asked me not to get mad but that I had the worst PMS of any woman that he had ever had a relationship with. Ouch. Thing is this really seems to be just in the last 4 to 6 mos. and I am not sure how to handle it. I have a physical in a few weeks and I will bring it up. Any ideas on what may be going on? I would be thrilled if I was hitting menopause but we are going to have a rough 8 months if I keep starting fights every month. 

Re: Hormonal, Cold Feet or Just Crazy? oh and Introduction...

  • Welcome to the board.  Congratulations on your engagement.

    Well, you'd know if you'd gone through menopause b/c you would not have had a period for a year.  That doesn't mean you aren't dealing with wicked hormones (any hot flashes, night sweats, etc.), stress (mid-life, work-related or other), or a nifty combo of both.  If your FI is telling you that your PMS is the worst he's ever come across, you might want to listen. Do you have a short fuse?  Or are you experiencing cold feet? 

    The two of you will figure it out.  This is all part of the stuff relationships at our age are made of.  Long engagements can be a beautiful thing.  Good luck!
  • Peripause can start anywhere from late 30's on up.  Check in with your doctor and see where you are.
  • Thank you, I know its not menopause but thinking it is peri. We have addressed cold feet, stress and work issues over the past few months and nothing seems to be making sense.  He is really trying to help me work through it, which is one of the nice things about an older fiance. I will bring it up at my MD appt in a few weeks and see if she has any ideas. Tired of feeling crazy, especially since I am usually just a go with the flow and enjoy life kind of gal. 
  • Welcome to the boards.  Do talk with your physician, hopefully he/she will have some insight for you.  Communication is key, or so my FI tells me.  Keep those lines of communication open and you should be okay.
  • FSf - I would just add this, if THIS man has never given you any reason to distrust him, then is what you are doing punishing him for the sins of your ex-husband?  It took me quite a while to learn not to do that.  I had learned to be distrustful and suspicious, and my now DH is the most trustworthy partner I have ever had. 

    My xH was a lying stinking no-good cheater (can I tell you how much glee that line just gave me??).  Every word out of his mouth had a 60/40 chance of being a lie.  He even lied about things that I wouldn't have cared about.  My DH is an honest man.  He happens to work with a number of women, some of whom he has formed close friendships with.  I have to tell you, I really struggled with that for a while.  When we were dating, I was always asking him if he had dated this one or that, because I could see how fond they were of him.  It was only through time with my therapist that I realized what was up with that, and that the  issue was MINE, not his.  Now, I consider some of those women to be good friends of OURS.  They really are great people, and good friends. 
    If you haven't worked through the pain & struggles that your divorce left you with, you might want to get some individual counseling.  Being able to understand why you did what you did, why you tolerated what you did, why you ignored the little voice screaming "WTF!!!!" in your head, can make you see the future so much more clearly.  

    As far as peri-menopause goes, my PMS seemed to ramp up with peri.  Throw planning a wedding into the mix, and who knows what will happen.  :)   
  • FSForeverFSForever member
    First Comment
    edited February 2012
    Right1thistime, Thank you. We have both gone to counseling and also worked through certain books together. Both of us have those issues from the past to the point that we even put off our wedding for awhile, but we are now feeling that we are ready minus this one week every month that I go crazy and then the week after I spend depressed and worn out. 
    It is nice when you can call your ex all sorts of names and feel good about it. I have wanted to get him back so many times but we just aren't like that. Plus I know he hears around that we are so happy together and its killing him. That gives me more pleasure than ever telling him off. 
    Ski2, My FI tells me that all the time. He is really good at getting me to communicate with him, something I was really bad at before I met him. 
  • right1this time, truer words have never been spoken.  Thanks for reminding me of this.  I too, sometimes fall into a trap of faulting FI for the sins of my ex and another cold hearted ba$tard (that is a name my girlfriend made up for him) that I dated.   Being the (proverial) better person feels good.  And not feeling that I need to stoop to their level, FEELS EVEN BETTER.  Oooh how I love being 40 something!

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