My father's a pastor & my fiance's Catholic

iheartgeebus · May 2011

Although my father doesn't pastor a church anymore, he's still a pastor. My fiance is Catholic. My parents suggested having the ceremony at the reception area where it will be non denominational but my fiance (along with his family) WILL NOT give up his stance on getting married inside the Catholic church. I really don't know what to do on this subject. Any suggestions?

DramaGeek · May 2011

I'm assuming the reason they aren't giving up on it is that if he is not married in the Catholic church his marriage won't be recognized by the church. You're going to have to discuss this with him, but if it's important to him to be married in the church (and I suspect that it is), you're going to have to agree to it or find a way to convince him to change his mind.

kellya01 · May 2011

I'm sure you already know this, but you and your FI need to be on the same page as far as religion and faith. It sounds like your FI wants the Catholic ceremony and you do not. What will you be doing AFTER the wedding? Which church will you guys be attending? I would personally choose the church that matches my faith and have the ceremony at that church. This is an issue that you and your FI will have to decide, and decide for more than just the church wedding ceremony.

SoonToBeGenao · May 2011

I agree with PP. This can be a very tricky subject. Both FI and and I were raised Catholic- and our families both still associate as Catholics. When I was about 19 I completely disaffliated myself with the Catholic church, and began attending a non-denomination chuch. At 22 I was saved and last summer both FI and I were Baptized (although our families saw us as already baptized since we were as babies). When it came time to discuss the ceremony location- my parents weren't quite about their hopes we would use their Catholic church. We didn't choose to use it because it was not "our" church. Because of all of this- I understand both sides of your dilemma. Is there any way you guys can compromise? Maybe ask a Catholic priest to officiate the ceremony but hold it in the reception hall? I don't know if they allow this at all.

The planning of a wedding, preparing for marriage etc is already very very stressful, the last thing you and FI need to do is make a big disagreement over this situation. I would discuss with him where the two of you will be attending church once you are married and make your decision from there.

iamjoesgurl · May 2011

Is there a reason that you personally do not want to be married in a Catholic church or are you more concerned about how your parents will react? Will you be attending a Catholic church in the future? Does your FI intend to continue to attend the Catholic church? What are the reasons that he insists on being married in a Catholic church? You do not need to answer these questions - they are really just meant to help you figure out the questions that you should consider while making this decision. If you don't personally mind and it is that important to him, I would recommend that you marry in the Catholic church for his sake. I will say a prayer that you will be able to figure out what's best.

bibliophile2010 · May 2011

As others have said, I'm sure that he wants to be married in the Catholic Church, because Catholics believe that they must follow cannonical form at the time of their marriage, generally meaning marrying in the Church, according to her rules. This issues begs the questions that others have alluded to, which is how will you practice your faith as a couple and how will you raise your children? You need to have a major heart-to-heart about this now, if you haven't already.

I truly believe that your wedding ceremony should reflect who you are and what you believe -- as a couple.

I would also recommend talking to the priest at his church. There are rules that may allow him to marry in your tradition with appropriate dispensation, or he may allow a convalidation (making your marriage valid in the eyes of the Church). I would trust a priest to give you better advice on this topic, which is why I recommend talking to him.

If you do decide to move forward with a Catholic ceremony, the ladies over on the Catholic board (full disclosure: I'm one of them, but browse over here, because sometimes the ladies have interesting conversations) are super-helpful and know gobs about Church teaching and are happy to help you out/answer questions/etc. Best of luck -- my prayers are with you guys.

ravenray · May 2011

I am pretty sure you have to be Catholic (or at least looking into being one) in order to get married in the Catholic Church. (Correct me if I am wrong bibliophile)

As the other PPs have already said, you both should be on the same page. Have you talked to him to see if he is willing to compromise? I know that for me it was imperative to be married in the Orthodox Church (you have to be Orthodox to get married). If he feels the same way are you willing to compromise and get married in the Catholic Church? If you aren't you may want to wait to get married until you guys are on the same page about religion.

DramaGeek · May 2011

My Catholic school days tell me that only one partner needs to be Catholic. However, the non-Catholics I've known that married Catholics in the church had to agree to raise the children Catholic, including baptism, Catholic education/first communion/confirmation.

StacyJenniges · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_fathers-pastor-fiances-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:42bcbb13-6537-492f-add2-c1fb9b5e148cPost:56e39a9f-0179-4293-ad3a-7e4e4fcc0f51">My father's a pastor & my fiance's Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]Although my father doesn't pastor a church anymore, he's still a pastor. My fiance is Catholic. My parents suggested having the ceremony at the reception area where it will be non denominational but my fiance (along with his family) WILL NOT give up his stance on getting married inside the Catholic church. I really don't know what to do on this subject. Any suggestions?
Posted by iheartgeebus[/QUOTE]

I was raised catholic, My family is catholic, I had always wanted to get married in the catholic church. My fiance's father is a pastor, and my fiance wants his father to marry us. I gave up on my idea of getting married in a catholic church because having my fiance's father marry us is much more important.

I would point out to his family how special it would be to have your father marry you. You can always ask his priest to come and give a blessing over the marriage.

arrabelle · May 2011

edit: i'm sorry - when i first responded i mis-read your OP and thought you were hoping your dad would officiate the marriage. anyway i'm not sure if this will help you or not but i'll keep up my response just in case:

my dad is a pastor as was my grandfather/greatgrandfather. FI's family is polish catholic, which is REALLY catholic. you would think they'd each be happy we both found such wonderful christian partners from families with great values, it's not like one of us is a hare krishna. but they've all gone berserk. so, i feel you.

luckily FI and i are a united front on this issue and we're going protestant. but i know it's a huge burden on his shoulders when this comes up with his family, and it's going to keep coming up (when we christen our babies, send them to school, send them to catechism, etc.)

we're compromising: having a lutheran wedding (my church) in chicago (FI's hometown) where my dad will co-officiate the ceremony with that pastor. we're inviting their priest to our reception for a blessing but i'm getting the hint he won't come. also - we're incorporating as MANY polish foods and traditions into the reception as possible to show respect for his family as they're showing respect for mine during the ceremony. it's not perfect but what are you gonna do, not marry this person????

PM me if you want to talk about it!!!! but you MUST MUST MUST get on the same page with FI. you MUST!!!!!

GL.

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