MOH ISSUES!! What to Do...

Krista72 · August 2010

Sigh....I just don't know what to do anymore. My sister is my MOH and my best friend is a bridesmaid. My sister is younger than me and has some "issues" and is part of the problem that I'm having. She has not helped me with my wedding AT ALL. She has not called me or asked if I needed any help with anything. She was supposed to do my makeup and never took the time to sit and try things, so will be doing that myself! My BM has been doing ALL of the MOH duties and it just isn't fair. She has been planning a J & J for us and has only had minimal help from my sister. The only way to communicate with her is via text messaging (which is rediculous!!). I texted her a few weeks back and gave her an ultimatum of getting herself together or stepping down in her position. She texted back pleading to not have her step down that she would be devastated. She started calling my BM to go over the J&J details, BUT HAS YET TO EVEN CALL ME!! Now I really want her to step down and give my BM the honor of being my MOH...since she deserves it! However, she won't call me back and my last text...she did not respond to. I've been wanting to tell her face to face that she needs to step down. Considering texting her since that's the only way she'll get the message.

Any thoughts on this? Think I need some advise from outside sources.

Thanks...and sorry this was long!

GracefulMeadow86 · August 2010

asking someone to step down is one of the worst things you can do if you ever want to have a good relationship with your sister.

unfortunately, the only thing being a MOH or a BM means is that they will stand up with you at your wedding, becaues they are important people in your life. they are not required to help plan anything or do specific things. i understand that it would be nice if your sister pitched in earlier, but it looks like she has been since you talked to her.

if you think your BM deserves it and it wouldnt hurt your sister, have 2 MOHs...no rules against that. otherwise, replacing or demoting or anything of the sort is only going ot make your relationship with you sister suffer and thats not something you want to do to anyone, let alone close family.

Krista72 · August 2010

Very true! We are not the closest of sisters that we could be. She's just young and inexperienced and I try to take that into consideration. Was thinking about the two MOH's....that just may be the best way to go then! Just very frustrating...you have this vision of what it's going to be like to plan your wedding and it's just not panning out the way that I imagined. I was very hesitant to ask her and I have to kick myself tor not going with my gut. I felt a little more obligated to ask her...it's sad, but true! We only have one more month before the wedding....must make the best of it at this point I guess...

Thanks!!

SillyLGoose · August 2010

How old is your sister?

My sister is much the same way and is my MOH. I just know she is in a totally different time in her life. I purchased a dress that she hadn't seen. She has yet to ask me what it looks like or if I have pictures. She is into fashion and is trying to make a career out of it so I was surprised.

Does your sister still live at home? Maybe your parents just need to remind her to do things. I wouldn't take it as being uninterested or incapable of supporting you as you prepare to marry. Depending on how old she is it might just be she isn't in the mindframe or doesn't know to expect.

Just remember that as excited as everyone is for you nobody is living the moment the same way you are.

smore154 · August 2010

OMG people get so hung up on what the MOH should and shouldnt do and what BMs shouldnt have to do. The problem is- sometimes MOH's don't know what they should and shouldn't do, and they truely may not want to help with everything. Unless you gave her a checklist of things you expected her to do- or went over your expectations of her- she may not have known! I don't mean to stick up for her, but I just think sometimes people dont know what they agree to when they become MOH's.

Now if that WAS the case and she knows full well about it- then it's truely crappy. But I agree- you still shouldn't have asked her to "step down". You could definitely have two! I didn't even want to deal with all this crap, so my brothers are "men of honor" and I have no MOH's. I don't expect them to throw me parties, because they are guys- plus I know my mom and other bridesmaids are either already helping or will want to help with all of the other stuff.

SillyLGoose · August 2010

Sorry, forgot to add, that I would definitely NOT demote or sister or have her step down! This is your SISTER! If you really feel that you need to have your BM get the title as MOH I suppose that's ok. However, a month before the wedding, does it really matter what title your BM has?

IMHO, I would keep things as is, keep your sister on task (with the help of your bm/parents), and personally thank your bm for all that she is doing. She knows and you know who put parties together, etc. and that's all that matters. I would just let your bm know that it's appreciated and did not go unnoticed.

Krista72 · August 2010

She's in her mid 20's, so she should get the jyst of what needs to be done, but again...I did not give her a list. It's more the interaction that I'm looking for...the effort. Makes it extremely difficult when you can't just pick up the phone to call her. She never can get voicemail and she rarely ever just picks up the phone. Email doesn't work either. Everytime I tried to make plans with her to come over or help out with anything...there was always some excuse as to why she couldn't make it or she'd be so late that it wasn't even worth doing what needed to be done. She's just not reliable. She has no job...no kids...no responsibliities. What the hell was I thinking!! My poor BM is sadly getting divorced...just moved...has two kids...and works full time. But she still finds time to call me...to work on the J&J for us, etc. She is amazing!! But I think I just might change her title to MOH #2 and leave it at that! You ladies are right....I'll know in the end who was there for me, etc.

nyquinn134 · August 2010

I had issues w/ my MOH who's my sister and just asked my BMs to step up and w/ the bridal shower and bachelorette b/c i knew she hadn't done anything through my family. My sister also backed out of my 1st dress fitting day of and my mom was out of town for work so I asked one of my friends and aunt to come last minute. I would never demote my MOH or anything like that, it is what it is. I knew going into it that that this could possibly happen. My two best friends really picked up the slack and I am very thankful to have them as friends.

jennylove810 · August 2010

I say this in the nicest way possible but...

This is your wedding. Therefore, you shouldn't be relying on anyone except your FI to do anything.

The MOH's duties include buying the dress, making sure it fits, and showing up clean and sober on the wedding day.

I won't touch the Jack & Jill.

I think if you lower your expectations, you won't be as disappointed.

Whippet8 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_connecticut_moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:65Discussion:e5895632-c130-44a9-becc-fbe4e0ac7b39Post:2e82961a-cd41-427e-8b44-c092133cb4ed">Re: MOH ISSUES!! What to Do...</a>:
[QUOTE]I say this in the nicest way possible but... This is your wedding. Therefore, you shouldn't be relying on anyone except your FI to do anything. The MOH's duties include buying the dress, making sure it fits, and showing up clean and sober on the wedding day. I won't touch the Jack & Jill. I think if you lower your expectations, you won't be as disappointed.
Posted by jennylove810[/QUOTE]

Ditto this 100%

Your FI should be the one to help you first with the wedding, and although it's something that has become expected of the MOH and bridemaids, it's not required. It is definitely not something to kick her out over.

Your MOH should be the closest person to you in your life, NOT the person who does the most for you and your wedding.

JessiC21 · August 2010

First of all, don't feel bad. Family is frustrating. You can refer to my posts about my crazy sister - who is not living in reality.

My sister demoted me from being MOH to simply a bridesmaid and I am expected to continue to be her contact person and pretty much, with the help of the planner, get her wedding together because she is over 2,000 miles away. She promoted our other sister to MOH, and while I am hurt over her decision I can look at 2 factors to make it okay. 1) She is closer to my other sister so it is not totally out of left field that she demoted me. However, point #2) as a bridesmaid, I am expected to continue to do everything - so in that way, I do have a special part of the ceremony - because I will have helped put it all together.

Unlike you, my sister didn't tell me about the switch in person, over the phone, or through a text, but rather through a mass email to all of the BM's. I think I am more embarassed over that than the actual demotion.

Here's my advice on the matter -

If demoting your sister is going to affect your relationship with her in a negative way, don't do it. Instead, either have 2 attendants or 2 MOH's so that your best friend knows how much you appreciate her.

However, if you think your sister won't be overly upset about it or it won't be detrimental to your relationship, feel free to demote her and promote your best friend. Just make sure you talk to her about it first.

cmmosley81 · August 2010

I agree with all the gals here. Dont demote her. As crappy as it is to say you should have known this would happen and had your BM on the ready. I have a small wedding party but I still have my MOH and a BM kinda on retainer. The BM are supposed to be there to help with anything the MOH needs. So if you maybe go over some of the stuff with her she can pick up where she is lacking. Check out these websites for ideas on what she really is supposed to do as well as others in the party.

www.brides<strong" rel="nofollow">www.brides>>maid101.com
http://ourmarriage.com/html/responsibilities_of_the_maid_o.html

KateandEvan1012 · August 2010

My advice would be the same as most of the girls. Make your friend another MOH. Although.. Don't feel bad about feeling like you expected more from your sister. As your sister you expect her to be supportive and excited... Its not every day that her sister is going to get married. Maybe she's jealous? Has she ever been the type that gets excited about things that have to do with her but needs extra coaxing when it comes to others? Its probably just a selfish young phase she's going through but don't for a second feel bad because you imagined her spot in your wedding to be full of more enthusiasm and responsibility. I would take your friend aside though and thank her for all her help and dedication. I would also take your sister aside and have a heart to heart to see if there's any underlying issue as to why she hasn't participated in your wedding. It never hurts to talk things out. Good luck!

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