Sister-in-law disaster

Tig233 · November 2009

I wanted to find a way to include my sister-in-law (my brother's wife) and my future sister-in-law (my other brothers fiance) in my wedding so I asked them to be greeters. I was going to have them get coordinating dresses with the wedding party (same designer, different colors, they'd pick the style, I'd buy them) so they would really feel like a part of the wedding party. My niece is the flower-girl and her dress would coordinate with her Mom's, which I thought would be cute. I did it when everyone was together over Thanksgiving dinner because I thought it would be a nice gesture (my fiance asked my 3 brothers to be groomsmen as well). The next day my sister-in-law called to decline, and then she got the soon-to-be sister-in-law to back out, too. She is upset that she's not a bridesmaid. She said this means she's not a sister and not part of the family and this is now a tie that will be severed forever. The other one is just going jumping on the bandwagon (she's more friendly with my sister-in-law than me), but her reasons are different. She said she thought the timing was odd and I was forced into it.

I had put a lot of thought into how I could include them in the wedding. There are five siblings in my family and this is only the second wedding. She is Jewish (as am I) and including siblings in the wedding party is important. But with my big family I felt that including all the in-laws would set an unfair precedent for future weddings. If that were the case, when the final sibling gets married we'd have 8 family members in their wedding.

My whole family is upset and I'm not really sure how to fix it. It's not like I can now ask them to be bridesmaids just to make peace. They wouldn't accept because they knew I was only doing it because I had to. HELP PLEASE!?

aerinpegadrak · November 2009

Well, asking them to be greeters wasn't the best idea, especially if you were trying to dictate their wardrobe. They immediately felt, as most people would, that it's a pity job and a consolation prize.

The future weddings aren't your problem. You'll choose your wedding party, and your siblings will choose theirs. All three of my siblings are married, and their WP choices didn't even cross my mind when I was considering my own.

It is a tough situation, because while they shouldn't try to bully their way into the wedding party, not including them is a very public slight, and asking them to be second-string wedding party in front of your entire family just made it that much worse.

I would give it some time. If anyone asks, just say that they've given you a lot to think about, and you haven't made any final decisions yet. In a month or two when everyone's cooled down a bit, you can talk things over again and try to reach a mutually agreeable decision.

MyNameIsNot · November 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-law-disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:280bbb4b-f7ae-4a26-89fe-041033a302a6Post:f19c2576-5a21-439d-9393-54080cc7f98e">Sister-in-law disaster</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not like I can now ask them to be bridesmaids just to make peace.
Posted by Tig233@aol.com[/QUOTE]

Why not?

I agree that family doesn't automatically have to be included in the WP, but sisters are a different thing. It does cause a lot of family drama and it does cause a lot of hurt feelings. Giving them a crap job like greeters is really just a slap in the face, making it more obvious that they were excluded. If it's really this big of a deal, I think you should just include them.

BTW, what other people end up doing down the line is none of your concern.

zitiqueen · November 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-law-disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:280bbb4b-f7ae-4a26-89fe-041033a302a6Post:f19c2576-5a21-439d-9393-54080cc7f98e">Sister-in-law disaster</a>:
[QUOTE]I wanted to find a way to include my sister-in-law and my soon-to-be sister-in-law in my wedding so I asked them to be greeters. I was going to have them get coordinating dresses with the wedding party (same designer, different colors, they'd pick the style, I'd buy them) so they would really feel like a part of the wedding party. My niece is the flower-girl and her dress would coordinate with her Mom's, which I thought would be cute. I did it when everyone was together over Thanksgiving dinner because I thought it would be a nice gesture (my fiance asked my 3 brothers to be groomsmen as well). The next day my sister-in-law called to decline, and then she got the soon-to-be sister-in-law to back out, too. She is upset that she's not a bridesmaid. She said this means she's not a sister and not part of the family and this is now a tie that will be severed forever. The other one is just going jumping on the bandwagon (she's more friendly with my sister-in-law than me), but her reasons are different. She said she thought the timing was odd and I was forced into it. I had put a lot of thought into how I could include them in the wedding. There are five siblings in my family and this is only the second wedding. She is Jewish (as am I) and including siblings in the wedding party is important. But with my big family I felt that including all the in-laws would set an unfair precedent for future weddings. If that were the case, when the final sibling gets married we'd have 8 family members in their wedding. My whole family is upset and I'm not really sure how to fix it. It's not like I can now ask them to be bridesmaids just to make peace. HELP PLEASE!?
Posted by Tig233@aol.com[/QUOTE]

Well, you can't really give somebody a second-rate job (job, not honor -- <em>job</em>) like greeter but then insist that they buy clothes that match the real bridal party.

megk8oz · November 2009

You can't dictate attire to anybody except for your BMs. That's it. If you have "greeters", "guest book attendants", "readers", "program distributers" or anything else, it doesn't matter: if they aren't a BM, they get to pick what they were.

If you wanted them to FEEL like part of the bridal party, then you should have ASKED them to be part of the bridal party. Not invent a consolation job for them.

lalap69 · November 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-law-disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:280bbb4b-f7ae-4a26-89fe-041033a302a6Post:b756aa72-20a2-477e-ba40-ca4586a0a2c1">Re: Sister-in-law disaster</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Sister-in-law disaster : Well, you can't really give somebody a second-rate job (job, not honor -- job ) like greeter but then insist that they buy clothes that match the real bridal party.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

To be fair, she said she'd buy the clothes.

I also think the SILs overreacted a bit, but greeter is a crappy job and I wouldn't want to do it either, especially not wearing a dress indicating my second-tier status. I do think they were wrong for basically demanding to be BMs, but having said that, I would probably ask them to be BMs just for the sake of peace. Your siblings will make their own decisions when their time comes. Causing a rift with your FILs just to avoid potential problems down the line for your siblings is ridiculous.

SarahPLiz · November 2009

Aerin has the brain today.

DKC1308 · November 2009

I agree that being a greeter is more of a job but I do not agree that just because they are a SIL or future SIL then that automatically makes them bridesmaids.

I am not close with my actual sister and she is not a BM. I feel that I have others (friends and family) who know, support and care about my FI and me so I want them in my WP. I do not feel that anyone should be in a WP just because it is what is expected. It should be a matter of who you feel supports you and your marriage. To mend fences may be difficult as it seems clear that these individuals feel that they deserve more from you. They made the choice to decline you and if they choose to allow something so trivial "severe ties" then again their choice. If you feel that these are not people you actually want in your WP then do not ask. It is YOUR wedding... plain and simple. I think sometimes brides feel to much obligation to others and others feel that they are owed something. I would suggest at some point sitting down and talking with these girls and explaining to them how you felt and why you made the choices that you made. Maybe even apologize if you hurt their feelings as it was not intentional. I hope all of this works out for you. =] Stay positive and only let the big things bother you. GLGL GL GL GL GL

mbcdefg · November 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-law-disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:280bbb4b-f7ae-4a26-89fe-041033a302a6Post:cda92870-741d-4a62-98ca-9599ca45c598">Re: Sister-in-law disaster</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sister-in-law disaster : To be fair, she said she'd buy the clothes.
Posted by lalap69[/QUOTE]

But remember that the OP asked them at Thanksgiving, and I'm assuming she asked everyone in a group, right? In that case, I'm betting that they felt obligated into saying yes, because a lot of people would feel embarrassed or jerky to say no in front of a large group of people.

Anyway, OP, they were probably pissed that you expected them to buy dresses just as a bridesmaid would, but wouldn't give them the "glory" of actually BEING bridesmaids.

But I also agree that them being in the family doesn't automatically entitle them to a BM slot.

Hopefully you're aware that it's O.K. to have an uneven number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, right? I hope that isn't the reason why you think you can't ask them to be BMs now. And it's also O.K. for your FI to have them as HIS attendants.

IMO the easiest and nicest thing to do would be to apologize to them and ask them to be bridesmaids. Since they're going to be family I think it would be nice to just keep the peace. And since all bridesmaids have to do is get the dress and show up to the wedding, then it's not like you need to be attached at the hip to them.

aerinpegadrak · November 2009

Aw, thanks, Sarah! I'll have to pass it off soon, though, I'm getting ready to pick up FI from work so we can catch our weekly movie.

OP, your intentions were clearly in the right place, but you kind of biffed the execution. Remember that your SILs can still attend the pre-parties and RD, get ready with you, take lots of pictures--basically everything the BMs do except wear a predetermined dress and stand at the altar--without being in the WP. Once you've thought it over, if you decide that you don't want to ask them to be bridesmaids, you could maybe present it to them from that angle. (I don't think you're obligated to ask them to be bridesmaids, even if they're family. Putting them in the WP will probably be easiest, though.)

I was a guest book attendant for a good friend, and what made the experience enjoyable for me was that in everything except for the ceremony itself, I was treated as one of the bridesmaids. You could easily extend them that courtesy without having to give them busywork.

kmmssg · November 2009

I gotta agree that greeter is a crap job. You don't need greeters - ushers take care of that. Asking them to buy coordinating dresses for a crap job is insulting, and you seem to have done this in front of the entire family.

I agree that family isn't an automatic "in" for the bridal party. I think you probably had very good intentions, but the execution of the whole thing was not well received.

It is in very poor taste to ask anyone other than the bridal party to wear something specific. They may have seen your desire for them to wear coordinating jobs as a slap in the face. "Look - I didn't make the cut for the bridal party, but she wanted me to wear a matching color so it would look like she included me."

I agree that you need to step back and chill on this one for a bit. Really think this out and then decided how to best mend fences.

I think your SIL/FSIL are being a bit dramatic with the "this means she's not a sister and not part of the family and this is now a tie that will be severed forever" bit, but they probably need to simmer down a bit too.

It's not your issue who asks whom and how many people are in future family weddings. Take care of who you want to be in yours, and remember that even sides are not required. Good Luck.

duckie1905 · November 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-law-disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:280bbb4b-f7ae-4a26-89fe-041033a302a6Post:4d181180-19f8-4583-818a-ddacc96b6f18">Re: Sister-in-law disaster</a>:
[QUOTE]You can't dictate attire to anybody except for your BMs. That's it. If you have "greeters", "guest book attendants", "readers", "program distributers" or anything else, it doesn't matter: if they aren't a BM, they get to pick what they were. If you wanted them to FEEL like part of the bridal party, then you should have ASKED them to be part of the bridal party. Not invent a consolation job for them.
Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]
Wonderfully said, especially the fact that greeter is a made-up job. It screams that you just needed to find something for them to do and I'm sure if we know that they do as well. Something like that is a job or chore, not an honor.

gottahavashorti · November 2009

I don't agree with what you did - asking them to be greeters wearing coordinating dresses- but your SILs are overreacting. They could have simply declined. Let things cool off before you decide what to do.

In some families, it's pretty much understood that siblings are automatically in the wedding party and there will be issues with family dynamics if they are not. However, I don't feel as though that 'automatic in' should extend out to in-laws, or that they should declare that they should be in the WP.

jennylove810 · November 2009

I'm going to go ever-so-slightly against the grain here and say that you shouldn't make your SIL & FSIL BMs. Why? Because if you truly wanted them as BMs, you'd have asked them to be BMs. As in, you sit down to think about who is standing up with you that day and those girls are 2 of the first who cross your mind. Obviously, they weren't.

Now unless I am mistaken, these 2 women are your FI's brother's women, correct? Not your FI's sisters? Some people would say that makes no difference, and perhaps it doesn't, but it makes a tiny difference to me. It was important for my FI to have his 2 sisters in our wedding, but not so much for FI's sister's husband. We like him, he's a great guy, he's technically family, but *shrug.*

These girls also sound prone to drama. Severing ties? Not a sister? You can be spared the melodramatics. It wasn't the best decision to ask them to be greeters, but you certainly meant no harm. For the sake of peace, tell them, sincerely & separately, that you had the best of intentions, that you wanted them to feel special and included, and that you meant no disrespect, nor did you mean to make them feel slighted. And leave it at that. If you make them BMs, they may be happy, but they will also have guilted and bullied you into a decision that you obviously weren't going to make otherwise. In my mind, that sets a bad precedent for the rest of your life.

Good luck.

Tig233 · November 2009

Thanks for your feedback everyone. I'll give it some time and see where it goes. Sure wish I would have asked your opinion before I pissed everyone off.

Take care.

trix1223 · November 2009

You've made a couple of mistakes here, as the other ladies have said. Imagine someone says to you, in front of a large group of family at a holiday dinner: "Well, we've chosen the people to be included in our wedding. We already have plenty of friends and family in the wedding party, so here's what we've decided for you.

We're going to have you wear a dress that **almost** looks like the dresses the BMs are wearing, but SIL "A" you'll stand at the back of the church and say hello as people come in. Oh, and SIL "B", you'll tell people to pick up the pen and sign their names. Aren't you just thrilled? And then the real WP will walk down the aisle and stand with us during the ceremony."

Here are your faux pas as I see them:

#1: Unless someone is a BM, you don't get to tell them what to wear! Even if you're buying it, you're still putting them in a dress that they might not choose to wear if you weren't telling them to.

#2: You asked everyone in a group at the same time. That's a HUGE mistake, because no one wants to decline in front of a group of people. You put them on the spot, and for that you should profusely apologize.

#3: You gave them "pity positions". "I don't really want you as a BM, but I want you to feel better about that. So here's your consolation prize. You get to wear a dress that you don't want to wear and tell people how to sign their names."

#4: Your comment about worrying about future weddings is just an excuse, not a reason. Your wedding =your WP to choose. You don't get to, nor should you, even think about making decisions about weddings for other people~even if they are family members.

#5: You tried to "include" everyone, forgetting that being a guest at a wedding is being included. Frankly, I'd rather be a guest than a "greeter" or "Guestbook attendant".

How can you fix this? If you really want to make the BMs now, you can call them and ask them out for coffee or dinner. Then tell them that you don't know what you were thinking....you were overcome by wedding stupid.....you must have been in an alternate universe.....whatever.

Tell them that you'd love to have them as BMs and that you're not above groveling. Let them know that you're sorry you've hurt them, and that you hope they'll forgive you and stand with you on your wedding day.

If you don't want them, call them up and ask them out for coffee or dinner. Then tell them that you can't imagine what you were thinking, and that you know that they'd have a much better time at the wedding wearing their own choice of clothing and enjoying the party as a guest.

In either case, profuse apology is in order.

banana468 · November 2009

I have to agree with Trix 100% here.

Unfortunately, asking someone to be a greeter and then requesting a coordinating attire choice comes across as you treating your FSILs as children.

And then they reacted like children - such a poor behavior choice for them.

Be the bigger person and apologize and decide if you want them in the wedding party or not.

FWIW the roles of greeter and guestbook attendant tend to be appreciated by zero grown adults.

emilykathleen511 · November 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-law-disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:280bbb4b-f7ae-4a26-89fe-041033a302a6Post:823f6170-b6dd-4623-b8cf-3a9621a50e8c">Re: Sister-in-law disaster</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sister-in-law disaster : ...And it's also O.K. for your FI to have them as HIS attendants. IMO the easiest and nicest thing to do would be to apologize to them and ask them to be bridesmaids. Since they're going to be family I think it would be nice to just keep the peace. And since all bridesmaids have to do is get the dress and show up to the wedding, then it's not like you need to be attached at the hip to them.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

These ladies are her brothers' wife and fiancee, not her FI's sisters. This also makes a difference to me (as it did for one other poster above). My FI and I are including all of our siblings, but I'm sorry, siblings' spouses didn't make the cut. Maybe it's different in OP family. *shrug*

Either way, I also agree w/ Trix. Decide whether or not you want them in your wedding party. Then follow Trix's wise directions on how to proceed from there.

mbcdefg · November 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-law-disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:280bbb4b-f7ae-4a26-89fe-041033a302a6Post:52202644-6f75-4adf-b7c9-aa859c8d6d9c">Re: Sister-in-law disaster</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sister-in-law disaster : These ladies are her brothers' wife and fiancee, not her FI's sisters. This also makes a difference to me (as it did for one other poster above). My FI and I are including all of our siblings, but I'm sorry, siblings' spouses didn't make the cut. Maybe it's different in OP family. *shrug* Either way, I also agree w/ Trix. Decide whether or not you want them in your wedding party. Then follow Trix's wise directions on how to proceed from there.
Posted by emilykathleen511[/QUOTE]

My apologies ... I misunderstood the original post.

But if they're still family members, then I think in certain circumstances it's easier just to let them be BMs to keep the peace. Especially if it'll avoid years of fighting over something so stupid (while i feel that asking them to get special outfits for pity jobs was wrong of the OP, I also think that the women were childish to start an argument over it). IMO I'd rather suck it up and have two more BMs than have to hear about it at every family get-together.

But OP is within her rights to not have them as a BMs. But I'll ditto Trix about the OP apologizing to the sisters-in-law whether she asks them to be BMs or no.

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