life advice... It's long, but an interesting read. OH YEA and I need the advice.

cmpeoples · June 2012

My boyfriend (and now fiance) and I went on a two week break the summer before our junior year of college, after being together since second semester our freshman year of college. We were only were broken up for two weeks and in that time both of us slept with just one other people. We took the break since we had gotten together so young, got very serious very fast and wanted to make sure this was it. The break was really succesful, it was basically all we needed to remind each other we were in love and the two week time was a lot shorter than we had both expected. We didn't really talk about what happened during the break for a long time even though we were both honest about sleeping with someone else. A couple months after being back together we vacationed just the two of us and had a huge heart to heart about it, both of us coming to terms with everything.

Now, the summer between our junior and senior years of college, we are recently engaged and are set to get married next summer, before he joins that army rangers and I go to medical school. I just got back from a vacation in Paris with some of my sorority sisters, coming home early because my fiance said he had some huge news for me. When I got home he informed me when we were on our break the girl he slept with got pregnant and had a baby. He had no idea until the girl got in touch with him while I was abroad. I 100 % believe him, him and I are close enough that we know when the other is lying. The only reason she didn't contact him until now is because she needs money and knows his family is wealthy.

I don't know whether or not to be upset or how to feel at all. I want so much to be supportive, because in all honesty it could have happened to either of us during the break. I don't want to tell any of my friends or family yet until my fiance and his "baby mama" sort things out and I figure out where I stand. The only thing I am certain about is that I love him irrevocably and I don't think this will change the course of our relationship. But how involved should I try to be? I am not angry, but I feel like I should be. Is it ok not to be?

NeedWeddingFavors · June 2012

You are much too young to get married, please don't. I don't think you have any idea of the drama ahead of you, the baby mama is going to come after your fi/husband every time she thinks she can get more money and in some states she'll be entitled to your money as well. There will be jealousy of him spending time with her and the kid (remember babies grow up to be teenagers and adults) and he will want to spend time with the kid as well. Court causes stress. Definately get a paternity test, it might not even be his. And did neither of you know about condoms? You couldn't spend a few months apart without sex outside of your relationship? There is a huge amount of stress in getting married and staying married and you have doubled it (at least) before you even are married.

redheadtmk · June 2012

I would not berate anyone who was angry however I do not think it should be the primary response, if at all. He was honest with you. You knew he slept with someone. You know a baby is a possibility from sex. Therefore I would not expect you to be angry. Surprised, confused, jealous would be my first reactions.

As for your role in things you are correct in letting him and the mother sort things out first. If you get the chance to meet her and have any sort of discussion about the baby I would let her know that you will love and treat the child the same as you will any future children you may have with your FI. (assuming you want them) jTell her that you know your role in the baby' s life is secondary to the natural parents but you hope that there will be open communication between you. That you realize the child will need parents who treat each other with respect and you are willing to work with her.

Of course you need to discuss this with your FI first. And it may be more appropriate to come from him than from you. It depends on how mature the mother is being about the whole thing. It may be best for FI to be the only one who deals with her. For now just sit back , be supportive, and see how things play out. Also a paternity test may not be a bad idea.

JaxInBlue · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_life-advice-its-long-but-an-interesting-read-oh-yea-and-i-need-the-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:9b130637-ae04-4b12-b11e-b0380a125ebePost:12692ef3-04cc-48f6-9263-5fda4bc78289">Re: life advice... It's long, but an interesting read. OH YEA and I need the advice.</a>:
[QUOTE]I would not berate anyone who was angry however I do not think it should be the primary response, if at all. He was honest with you. You knew he slept with someone. You know a baby is a possibility from sex. Therefore I would not expect you to be angry. Surprised, confused, jealous would be my first reactions. As for your role in things you are correct in letting him and the mother sort things out first. If you get the chance to meet her and have any sort of discussion about the baby I would let her know that you will love and treat the child the same as you will any future children you may have with your FI. (assuming you want them) jTell her that you know your role in the baby' s life is secondary to the natural parents but you hope that there will be open communication between you. That you realize the child will need parents who treat each other with respect and you are willing to work with her. Of course you need to discuss this with your FI first. And it may be more appropriate to come from him than from you. It depends on how mature the mother is being about the whole thing. <strong>It may be best for FI to be the only one who deals with her. </strong>For now just sit back , be supportive, and see how things play out. <strong>Also a paternity test may not be a bad idea.</strong>
Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

I agree with so much of this - but especially the two bolded statements. I would definitely encourage your FI, if he hasn't already done so, to seek a paternity test. It may be awkward or uncomfortable for him to have this conversation with the baby's mother, but he needs to protect himself and his assets, and it would be better for everyone to be sure before time and emotions, moreso than money, are invested.

Beyond that, I feel your FI needs to lead the discussion of how you will be involved in the child's life. You're becoming a step-parent, which can be complicated, but you will also be in this child's life from very early on. In your position, I think I would continue to see the primary person needing my support as my FI, and I would follow his lead and preferences on the quality and depth of my interactions with mother and baby.

Also, if being a step-parent is not something you are ready for, you need to be clear with your FI now and adjust the pace of your relationship accordingly. (I don't know if I would be.) This will alter his (and your) responsibilities and priorities for the duration for your relationship. It may not hurt to undergo some couples or family counseling and use the opportunity to discuss your emotions, fears, and needs with one another before you make too many more plans.

adaisyandarose · June 2012

The two of you have a lot of life changes coming your way. Not with just this potiental (yes I said potiental because he needs to get a DNA test first) child but with you entering med school and him entering the Army Rangers. You will indeed have a lot of things to deal with and work through. It will be taxing on your relationship without the child being involved.

For the outside looking in, I would be concerned about the timing of her telling him about the child. I would be concerned that he took your break abroad as a break again in your relationship and contacted her. You will have to deal with the fact that he will be seeing her and talking to her frequently regarding the child.

You have the right to feel however you feel about all of this. I wouldn't tell friends or family BEFORE you know the results from the DNA test. The role you should have is to be supportive to your bf. To not belittle or be mean to the baby's mother in the childs presence ever. You will have to deal with feelings that you and your bf didn't get to have children together and this child will be his first child and the financial obligations of that (ie him losing a portion of his income for the next 18 years)

Couples consuling isn't a bad idea with all the changes that will be happening with your relationship and how the two of you will change and grow throughout the med school and army rangers. I wish you best the luck.

VarunaTT · June 2012

All I can think is "sexual walkabout". I am not mature, sorry. The other advice was decent.

ReturnOfKuus · June 2012

I'll be honest - I'd bail. Only two weeks of a break means that the two of you didn't do any real growth while you were apart - you just missed each other, that's all. And now he's going to be gone all the time AND comes with the baggage of a kid and previous lover who will be in your lives and impacting your finances forever.

There's better out there. You've just been too afraid to find it.

Heffalump · June 2012

I'm sorry, I try not to make blanket statements, but everything about this post is so stupid. My nominee for most stupid: "him and I are close enough that we know when the other is lying."

mrsconn23 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_life-advice-its-long-but-an-interesting-read-oh-yea-and-i-need-the-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:9b130637-ae04-4b12-b11e-b0380a125ebePost:ed0d26b6-6c4a-44ea-a59a-48d936a4a13d">Re: life advice... It's long, but an interesting read. OH YEA and I need the advice.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry, I try not to make blanket statements, but everything about this post is so stupid. My nominee for most stupid: "him and I are close enough that we know when the other is lying."
Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]

That statement got a hearty eyeroll from me.

zitiqueen · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_life-advice-its-long-but-an-interesting-read-oh-yea-and-i-need-the-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:9b130637-ae04-4b12-b11e-b0380a125ebePost:b8594674-0190-4595-bc2e-efdc3759fdcd">life advice... It's long, but an interesting read. OH YEA and I need the advice.</a>:
[QUOTE]My boyfriend (and now fiance) and I went on a two week break the summer before our junior year of college, after being together since second semester our freshman year of college. We were only were broken up for two weeks and in that time both of us slept with just one other people. We took the break since we had gotten together so young, got very serious very fast and wanted to make sure this was it. The break was really succesful, it was basically all we needed to remind each other we were in love and the two week time was a lot shorter than we had both expected. We didn't really talk about what happened during the break for a long time even though we were both honest about sleeping with someone else. A couple months after being back together we vacationed just the two of us and had a huge heart to heart about it, both of us coming to terms with everything. Now, the summer between our junior and senior years of college, we are recently engaged and are set to get married next summer, before he joins that army rangers and I go to medical school. I just got back from a vacation in Paris with some of my sorority sisters, coming home early because my fiance said he had some huge news for me. When I got home he informed me when we were on our break the girl he slept with got pregnant and had a baby. He had no idea until the girl got in touch with him while I was abroad. I 100 % believe him, him and I are close enough that we know when the other is lying. The only reason she didn't contact him until now is because she needs money and knows his family is wealthy. I don't know whether or not to be upset or how to feel at all. I want so much to be supportive, because in all honesty it could have happened to either of us during the break. I don't want to tell any of my friends or family yet until my fiance and his "baby mama" sort things out and I figure out where I stand. The only thing I am certain about is that I love him irrevocably and I don't think this will change the course of our relationship. But how involved should I try to be? I am not angry, but I feel like I should be. Is it ok not to be?
Posted by cmpeoples[/QUOTE]

I don't think this was an interesting read at all.

life advice... It's long, but an interesting read. OH YEA and I need the advice.

Re: life advice... It's long, but an interesting read. OH YEA and I need the advice.

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