Guest List Issue- Children

cassienoel022 · July 2012

Sorry this is long...

I feel like this battle is never going to end! My parents are very against having kids at the reception. My fiance and I finally were able to get children at least in middle school to be able to come. However, his parents are not happy with this at all. His cousins have kids and want the kids at the wedding and the reception.

His parents a couple of weeks ago sat down with us to talk about it and I told them that my parents won't budge. I've tried everything but I'm not going to rock the boat anymore than I have. They are my parents and I want them to enjoy themselves at the wedding. After that they said the understood and that it would be hard on his side of the family. He even told them that he will talk to everyone that he needs to and try and keep the peace. His parents said that they would help with that.

This morning he calls me and told me that his parents talked to him again sternly this time and said that his grandparents, cousins, and aunts will hold grudges and not like us anymore. I'm pissed and upset at his parents who just said that they understood and supported us. I have no idea what to do now. They are my PARENTS I don't want them to have a crappy time at the wedding of their youngest. I'm very upset and I need advice...

ems27 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2013-weddings_guest-list-issue-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f30b0bfc-508d-415c-bf59-ab83e327da37Discussion:d95142dc-24e2-4545-8936-7d3b84573638Post:9964dbda-d8ba-49c4-981e-2ca23ebc8faa">Guest List Issue- Children</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry this is long... I feel like this battle is never going to end! My parents are very against having kids at the reception. My fiance and I finally were able to get children at least in middle school to be able to come. However, his parents are not happy with this at all. His cousins have kids and want the kids at the wedding and the reception. His parents a couple of weeks ago sat down with us to talk about it and I told them that my parents won't budge. I've tried everything but I'm not going to rock the boat anymore than I have. They are my parents and I want them to enjoy themselves at the wedding. After that they said the understood and that it would be hard on his side of the family. He even told them that he will talk to everyone that he needs to and try and keep the peace. His parents said that they would help with that. This morning he calls me and told me that his parents talked to him again sternly this time and said that his grandparents, cousins, and aunts will hold grudges and not like us anymore. I'm pissed and upset at his parents who just said that they understood and supported us. I have no idea what to do now. They are my PARENTS I don't want them to have a crappy time at the wedding of their youngest. I'm very upset and I need advice...
Posted by cassienoel022[/QUOTE]

What reasons have your parents given for not wanting children at the wedding and reception?
What reasons have your FI's given for being resentful if children are not allowed?
Who is paying for the wedding? If it's you and FI, you guys get to totally decide on the guest list, but it gets trickier when one side or the other is pitching in as well.

It's a tough spot to be in, I'm sorry :-\

cnf2013 · July 2012

If your parents are paying than they get some say. And you can tell that to FI's family. Just be like "Listen, Cassie's parents are graciously paying for the reception and they've budgeted for an adults only reception." Just be straight forward.

Are they traveling from far away where leaving kids behind is an issue? You can offer to provide child care for the night if not being able to at least bring the kids is going to cause them not to come. Hop on care.com and find someone you can have entertain he kids for the night. Depending on your venue it can happen on site too. Like we're planning a hotel reception and it would be easy enough to reserve a room for a babysitter to be set up in with games, activities and movies. Then after the reception parents can go grab their kids and take them to their rooms for the night.

cassienoel022 · July 2012

What reasons have your parents given for not wanting children at the wedding and reception?

My parents believe that children shouldn't be at weddings. They don't like the idea of children running around. My dad told me that he feels uncomfortable on the dance floor when children are dancing. He told me he won't dance if there are kids ont he dance floor. They both think kids at receptions make it about them and not about us as a couple.

What reasons have your FI's given for being resentful if children are not allowed?

Just like I don't want to upset my parents they don't want to upset their side of the family. But basicly what has been said is that they won't understand why and they will look down on us because we didn't invite them.

Who is paying for the wedding?

Its my parents and they really haven't had to many requests except for open bar, no kids, and a couple people on the guest list (which has been great)

cassienoel022 · July 2012

In Response to Re:Guest List Issue Children:[QUOTE]If your parents are paying than they get some say. And you can tell that to FI's family. Just be like "Listen, Cassie's parents are graciously paying for the reception and they've budgeted for an adults only reception." Just be straight forward.nbsp;Are they traveling from far away where leaving kids behind is an issue? You can offer to provide child care for the night if not being able to at least bring the kids is going to cause them not to come. Hop on care.com and find someone you can have entertain he kids for the night. Depending on your venue it can happen on site too. Like we're planning a hotel reception and it would be easy enough to reserve a room for a babysitter to be set up in with games, activities and movies. Then after the reception parents can go grab their kids and take them to their rooms for the night.nbsp; Posted by cnf2013[/QUOTE]

We tried the whole my parents are paying in a nice way and they said they would pay the difference.

The people that have kids live in the same town as the wedding. We tried to offer child care but they said it won't matter and they would still be mad.

I'm sorry it must seem like I'm shooting everything down but I've tried so many things : I didn't want to have a battle of the families because that's what happened at my sisters wedding. But that's what its turned into.

pedulaney · July 2012

Surely your parents can sympathize with those who have young children. What did they do with you when you were little and there was a wedding? Were you allowed to go? This is a tough spot but maybe you can get your parents to see why this could be such an inconvenience and for just how many people it would be a problem. If its just 2 families with kids then maybe it's not a big deal but if there are 25 families with kids that could be a hardship for them.

xoEmilyRose · July 2012

To be honest, I can see where your parents are coming from. My dad doesn't want kids to be invited either, but I told him it was important to us (and my fiance's family) that we ONLY invite immediate family kids... like nieces, nephews, etc. A lot of parents that have little ones may appreciate you allowing children, but prefer to get a babysitter so they can enjoy the night themselves without having to worry about their kids. Maybe you could help bring that up to your parents? If you get them to budge, I would ONLY invite immediate family kids... not your neighbor's children, etc. This might help him realize that they will be family and it would be very nice for them to be there. Also, kids probably won't stay the entire night either. They will probably stay for a little bit of the dancing and will leave.

I really don't like what your FI's family said that their side will hold a grudge against you guys. I find that extremely rude! At the end of the day, they have to realize a wedding is ONE day and it's your guys' day. If they can't accept that, then they are being so close minded about this whole thing!

Good luck... I'd first start with bringing it up to your parents that immedate family children should only be invited. Reassure them that the parents might decide to have a babysitter and they won't bring them.

Sjmiller418 · July 2012

I think cnf's idea of a babysitter could be a good compromise. I've known of several weddings where they hired a nanny to come to the wedding and set up a seperate room for the kids. This way his side of the family is happy that the kids can be brought to the wedding and then the kids won't be interferring in the wedding activities like your parents are worried about because they will be with a babysitter being paid to watch them and keep them entertained.

sparkles776 · July 2012

This is such a tough subject. We are allowing our cousins to bring their children-it is 4 kids total, but we are drawing the line there. We dont even know if they will for sure bring their children, but we are giving them the option. 2 are from my side and 2 are from FIs side. I knew that is absolutely something that his parents would not budge on.

I agree, if your parents are paying for everything, then they really are the ones making the decision. How many kids are we talking here like 2 or 20? If it is just a handful, I would try to get your parents to budge if it is that important to your FIs parents.

cassienoel022 · July 2012

The problem with letting his cousins inviting their kids is my cousins have kids to. So while his family would only have six my family has ten. My parents don't even want wedding party kids to stay (my nieces and nephews). I battled to let them at least eat dinner with us so I can see them. My family is very their way or nothing. I did talk to my dad about the whole having a babysitter at the wedding but our reception is at a vineyard and their isn't a separate room to have them in. I suggested having a kid area outside but he said that it won't stop the kids from coming into where the reception is.

sopraffina · July 2012

In Response to Guest List Issue- Children:
[QUOTEThis morning he calls me and told me that his parents talked to him again sternly this time and said that his grandparents, cousins, and aunts will hold grudges and not like us anymore.
Posted by cassienoel022[/QUOTE]

It's called emotional blackmail. They're wrong. It would be great if you could make both sides happy, but I don't see how unless they like the babysitter idea. Your parents win because they are paying. It's terrible of the other side to put you in this position.

anastassiiat · July 2012

I agree that your parents have a final say in it since they are paying. It does suck that your FIs parents are trying to guilt trip you, but I'm sure as long as you stand your ground they'll give up sooner or later. I would just avoid talking wedding with them and change the subject whenever wedding planning comes up, and hopefully they get the point. Sorry you have to go through this!

ashlidie · July 2012

It seems several others have offered the solution I came up with. Either way, what FI's parents are doing is wrong, your parents likely have a lot of say since they are likely contributing to the wedding. It is actually quite common for people to not invite children. In fact we set an age limit and you can just say look we can't afford/ our venue doesn't have the space for children. I can't imagine why someone would have an issue with that. You can't let one side have children and the other side not, meaning its like plus 20 mouths and chairs or 0. It is rude for people to expect you to pay $100 for their 4 year old to eat 3 bites...

But I am in agreement with what everyone has suggested before, I think the best option is to offer some sort of child care services so the guests can bring their children to a nearby location and can pick them up right after the wedding.

My family is happy kids aren't invited, my cousins are glad they have a night out to themselves lol.

ashlidie · July 2012

It seems several others have offered the solution I came up with. Either way, what FI's parents are doing is wrong, your parents likely have a lot of say since they are likely contributing to the wedding. It is actually quite common for people to not invite children. In fact we set an age limit and you can just say look we can't afford/ our venue doesn't have the space for children. I can't imagine why someone would have an issue with that. You can't let one side have children and the other side not, meaning its like plus 20 mouths and chairs or 0. It is rude for people to expect you to pay $100 for their 4 year old to eat 3 bites...

But I am in agreement with what everyone has suggested before, I think the best option is to offer some sort of child care services so the guests can bring their children to a nearby location and can pick them up right after the wedding.

My family is happy kids aren't invited, my cousins are glad they have a night out to themselves lol.

ashlidie · July 2012

WHoops, just noticed you did shoot that down earlier...

Honestly, I have to back your parents on this. You are doing nothing wrong and your future in laws can not hold you accountable for just speaking what your parents wishes are. To be honest, I would have your in laws call your parents instead of treating you and FI like the middle men and they can duke it out. Technically this isn't really your problem to fix since it's not your mind that needs to be made up. If they are footing the bill, they are calling the shots, simple as that. I would play the "I have nothing to do with it, it's not my call" card and offer FI's parents to talk to yours to come to an agreement they can compromise on instead of abusing you and FI.

sparkles776 · July 2012

I agree with ash. You would have to invite both sides which is 16 extra mouths to feed. That is a lot! Like I said, I only have 4, 2 from each side, but if I had much more than that, then I also would not allow my cousins to bring their children. I agree, your FIs parents need to take it up with your parents, and leave the 2 of you out of it.

Mikesgal419 · July 2012

I don't want to start anything here, but they won't even let the kids who are in the wedding stay?? I don't think that's right. Also, it's your day right? Do YOU want kids there?? I understand that your parents are paying for it, but if you anf FI want kids there, shouldn't it be YOUR call? You are offering very good solutions and they keep shooting them down.
If you and FI don't really care one way or another, I agree with PP, let his parents and your parents hash it out. I think the idea of it's their way or no way isn't right. Again, it's YOUR day.
Good luck.

iloveu4ever · July 2012

In Response to Re:Guest List Issue Children:[QUOTE]To be honest, I can see where your parents are coming from. My dad doesn't want kids to be invited either, but I told him it was important to us and my fiance's family that we ONLY invite immediate family kids... like nieces, nephews, etc. A lot of parents that have little ones may appreciate you allowing children, but prefer to get a babysitter so they can enjoy the night themselves without having to worry about their kids. Maybe you could help bring that up to your parents? If you get them to budge, I would ONLY invite immediate family kids... not your neighbor's children, etc. This might help him realize that they will be family and it would be very nice for them to be there. Also, kids probably won't stay the entire night either. They will probably stay for a little bit of the dancing and will leave.nbsp;I really don't like what your FI's family said that their side will hold a grudge against you guys. I find that extremely rude! At the end of the day, they have to realize a wedding is ONE day and it's your guys' day. If they can't accept that, then they are being so close minded about this whole thing!nbsp;Good luck... I'd first start with bringing it up to your parents that immedate family children should only be invited. Reassure them that the parents might decide to have a babysitter and they won't bring them.nbsp; Posted by xoEmilyRose[/QUOT

I agree just like 1st cousins, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews. No 2nd cousins.

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