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Is it ok not to be ok with Lap Dances?

cicconespcicconesp
First Comment
in Pre-wedding Parties
Ok Ladies I'm apparently a bit naive.  I thought lap dances were just girls shaking their butts and maybe their boobs in front of a guys face.  I recently learned that a lap dance basically involves the girl grinding on the guy.  I asked my fiance if he thought that was ok and we ended up having a stupid fight.  Apparently lap dances are just a normal part bachelor parties and I don't get it.  His response was that he just won't go to a strip club because none of his friends will understand why he's not letting them buy lap dances. (They're going to Vegas for the week)
I don't understand why something that would never be appropriate under any other circumstances suddenly become ok just because its scheduled and paid for. I completely trust him, if he wanted to be sneaky he'd just tell me he wouldn't do it and go anyway.  But now I feel like I'm the bad guy.  I can either suck it up and say its fine, or I play the bad FI who ruins everyone's fun. (He's had about 1/2 dozen guy friends married in the last two years all who went to strip clubs and got lap dances)   Any thoughts/opinions would be appreciated.
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Re: Is it ok not to be ok with Lap Dances?

  • vgmartinezvgmartinez
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    YES it's okay to not be okay with your man getting a lap dance. There is some serious grinding going on in those places. Even if they were just shaking their butts infront of them, that's still disrespectful, IMO.

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Would he be okay with you grinding up against some scantily dressed guy at your bachelorette party? It's okay to tell him 'Don't do anything I wouldn't do.'

                       
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  • cicconespcicconesp
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    StageManager14 Love your Bridezilla quote!! Thanks for your comment I appriciate all sides of the coin.  I know its normal for so many people and I agree, it doesn't make him evil.  I was just surprised, I didn't really understand what a lapdance was and once I realized it threw me off and when I tried to discuss it there wasn't really a discussion.  He made it clear he wouldn't go, but basically it was going to put  him under a lot of pressure from all his friends.  Its lose-lose for both of us I guess.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I had this conversation with my DH long ago.  The idea of lap dances don't bother me, but the concept of the VIP/private room does.  I'm not ok with him getting a private dance in the back room, and he knows that. 

    I think I got him to discuss it by asking him how he would feel if I were at a club and I were dancing that way with another man.  I don't think it's good that it turned into a fight, or that his response is "well, we just won't go."  I think you should really try again, when you're both in a good mood, to discuss it again. 
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  • cicconespcicconesp
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree I hate that this is a fight.  The 'play by the same rules' card was actually the first thing I tried.  But he said he wouldn't care as long as it was just for my bachelorette. It was a bluff anyway the idea makes me a little sick to my stomach.  Thanks for all the advice ladies.  I know he and I need to work it out between us, I just wanted to know if I was crazy since apparently no one else in his circle seemed to think it was a big deal. 
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  • larina+jeremylarina+jeremy member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    here is what i would do:
    i would remind my fh that i also get to have a bachellorette haha and ask him how he would feel if i was getting lap dances from male strippers. have another open convo about it, and then drop it. he is going to vegas, so i wouldnt make him make a promise that would be sooooo hard to keep (ie not going to strip clubs in vegas). just make sure he understands how you feel, get him to realize how he would feel if/when the situation is in reverse. then finally, the night before he leaves, YOU give him a lap dance. pull out all the stops: corset, moodlighting. whatever. i bet if he is in a strip club, or does have a friend buy him a lap dance, all he will be thinking about it you :) and besides, you're marrying him, so you trust him not to take it any farther right?
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  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011

    DH and I are strip club friendly.  We don't mind if the other goes, gets lap dances, has a good time, whatever.  We went to strip clubs before we met, for both our b parties, and have gone for other events since.  I don't really understand what the big deal is but I'm sure women that don't approve would find my opinion just as confusing.

     But, it works for us.  You need to do what is right for your relationship.  If you are uncomfortable with the idea you both need to be able to talk about it.  If it ends up in a fight there is a breakdown of communication that needs to be addressed before the discussion can continue.  And, you MUST discuss it.

    Throwing what you could do back in his face is childish.  Time for both of you to sit down and hash it out like adults.

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  • debdebdoldebdebdol
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    FI knows better than to ask.  I am NOT okay with lap dances.
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  • lcsa99lcsa99 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    What gets me is that "none of his friends will understand"

    Who cares what his friends think. They are supposed to be doing this for him, not themselves. If he actually doesn't care if he gets a lap dance or not he shouldn't be fighting with you about it.

    Definitely talk to him about this again cause it just doesn't sound right to me.

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  • bluemoon212005bluemoon212005 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    "If he actually doesn't care if he gets a lap dance or not he shouldn't be fighting with you about it." I really agree with this.
    That said, ask your FH what he wants. And maybe say your fine with him going to the club if he wants but that the idea of another girl gyrating on him makes you upset and explain why. Tell him his friends should understand or they aren't really caring about what he's saying and more importantly, that seems like they don't really want the day to be about him, its for themselves.
    If this doesn't work, pitch it this way, lap dances cost up to $100/ a piece, that's about 10 drinks in Vegas.
    Another suggestion might be to see one of the strip shows They are awesome and no touching no temptation.
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  • lharri12lharri12 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am lucky to be engaged to a guy who not only has never been to a strip club, he is against the idea of women degrading themselves in this way.  His friends have even made fun of him for this, in front of me.  However, I woudn't be surprised if one of his mischievous friends tries to set up something like this for his bachelor party.  I trust him completely and I wouldn't marry him if he wasn't the man he is.
    I woudn't tell him he can't do something because that sets you up for not only an arguement but also a power struggle.
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  • cicconespcicconesp
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks Ladies I honestly appreciate all the feedback both for and against! I know some folks are fine with it and some aren't it really just comes down to how it makes you feel which is hard to reason with.  Just a a brief wrap up to this discussion we did go back and have another conversation. The bottom line is he was super excited about going to Vegas and probably felt like having to address my feelings was putting a damper on his and his friends fun.  Childish yes... but aren't most men?  I basically told him I don't care about strip clubs, and I don't care about lap dances.  What I do care about is the grinding that happens during some (or most?) of the lap-dances.  If he can assure me that the strippers aren't going to be grinding all over him then I'll be fine.  He laughed and said he can't really dictate what kind of lap dance he gets.  At that point we both laughed because of how ridiculous his comment was.  If he can't keep a girl from grinding on him that's his problem not mine and he acknowledged that.  He still hasn't decided if he's going to go or not but he's not mad, the weight is off me. The bottom line is he was honest with me and I trust him and that will have to be enough to get us through this and whatever else comes up. 
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  • raniacharlesraniacharles
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The sad thing is that you need to ask if it is OK not to be OK with lap dances. And that you get advice that you should give him a lapdance so maybe while he is getting lapdances from other women he might remember you.  Look, he is not entitled to having naked women wave their butts and boobs in his face or grind on his lap while his friends cheer him on.  It is simply disrespectful to you, and really to all the SOs of all the guys who go.   This is not a complicated issue.  And you should not have to die on this hill, or even argue about it. 
    While you are saying your "vows" to each other, the groomsmen will be remembering him with all the strippers all over him.  That would be just natural after a big party in Vegas, which is known for its raunch.   It's sad really that he would do that to you, and that you feel you can't object.   There are a lot of people making money off of these parties--a whole industry really.   And, in many ways it makes the whole wedding into a farce. 
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  • larina+jeremylarina+jeremy member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    im starting to realize that intolerance and ignorance that anyone anywhere in the world could possibly feel or think differently is what is wrong with 99.9% of people. heaven forbid anyone have a different viewpoint from anyone else, and especially that anyone have a unique relationship. im just about done with these boards. you have to wade through so much stupidity and filth just to have a conversation with people. 
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  • suebeehonisuebeehoni member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I just thought I give my opinion.  Last weekend was Fi's bach party.  They went out to dinner then to a strip club.  I was okay with it but felt a liittle wierd.  When he got home the first thing he said was "I'm so lucky to have you"   In fact at the strip club the groomsmen (who at all married)  kept talking about marriage and fatherhood and how it was and how lucky he was to be with me.  He told me all this when he got home and it made feel a whole lot better.  If you trust your guy let him go.  You know who he is coming home to:)
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  • cicconespcicconesp
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks suebeehoni :) Good advice I'm sure. 
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  • larina+jeremylarina+jeremy member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    @ stagemanager: im not referring to a "side". "sides" is exactly the problem. it seems to me that a lot of the postings on some of the boards are face-offs, rather than a place where you can learn/share/ask questions. i find that a lot of the responses dont take INDIVIDUALITY into concideration. thats all. what works for onemay not work for another nad everyone has differeny dynamics of their relationship etc. i just dont understand how anyone on here can be so intolerant of OPINIONS.

    @suebee i think that is the cutest thing ever! just goes to show how important trust is :)
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  • beamer84beamer84 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I used to not be ok with lap dances. That was before I really knew what they were about. There's not much touching that goes on (more touching happens when you're grinding on the dance floor). As long as there's no inappropriate touching, I don't really care what FI does if/when he goes to a strip club.
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  • beamer84beamer84 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ok-not-ok-lap-dances?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:2e60eaf4-9b7a-4898-8660-4194a5069da5Post:97530e84-dee3-4872-b9a4-3abbd63d73fb">Re: Is it ok not to be ok with Lap Dances?</a>:
    [QUOTE]The sad thing is that you need to ask if it is OK not to be OK with lap dances. And that you get advice that you should give him a lapdance so maybe while he is getting lapdances from other women he might remember you.  Look, he is not entitled to having naked women wave their butts and boobs in his face or grind on his lap while his friends cheer him on.  It is simply disrespectful to you, and really to all the SOs of all the guys who go.   This is not a complicated issue.  And you should not have to die on this hill, or even argue about it.  While you are saying your "vows" to each other, the groomsmen will be remembering him with all the strippers all over him.  That would be just natural after a big party in Vegas, which is known for its raunch.   It's sad really that he would do that to you, and that you feel you can't object.   There are a lot of people making money off of these parties--a whole industry really.   And, in many ways it makes the whole wedding into a farce. 
    Posted by raniacharles[/QUOTE]

    How does her FI going to a strip club invalidate the wedding? I don't understand the connection.
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  • cicconespcicconesp
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    beamer - I did appreciate your advise and thank you for offering it! :) 
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  • jasminebluejasmineblue
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm a RGA because I used to strip.  Bachelor parties were a big money maker for me, but the guys usually behave badly.  The way they hoot and holler and try to get away with taking extras without paying is disgusting.  It's really cute that they come home and say they missed you and talked about marriage and fatherhood, but that's just not my experience, and I think that most guys who say that are lying to make you feel better and to ensure that they can go again.  I could never understand why someone would want to marry these disgusting pigs.  I know a lot of girls think poorly of the strippers, but if you saw the way the guys behave, especially at bachelor parties, you would be disappointed in them.  I have to say that although I made more money from bachelor parties than any other activity, the men were disgusting, and I felt sorry for the women who were promising their lives to these two-faced boors.  And if you think there is no touching during a lap dance, especially at a bachelor party, you are very, very naive.
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