Father of the Groom's Girlfriend

schoells99 · September 2012

My fiance's father and mother are separated. The father has been dating someone for a long time. However, my fiance is not a fan of her at all. We are wondering how to process the parents in to the ceremony. The best man will be walking his mother down the aisle. Should his father already be seated, or should he walk in behind them? Also, if he walks down the aisle how do we tell him we don't think his girlfriend should be walking down the aisle with him?

misssunshine17 · September 2012

I would probably just have them both sitting when the ceremony starts.

catloverd · September 2012

What about just not walking them in and having them all already seated? That's what we decided to do since our ushers are all girls. (my sister and my fiance's sisters)

I think you have to have your father walk down with his girlfriend in order to avoid drama, but I'm a passive person, so I'm sure someone else on here will tell you to tell him you just want family to walk down and that his girlfriend isn't technically familly. Traditionally, the woman is escorted in and the man follows. So the father would walk behind the usher and his mother.

banana468 · September 2012

If you're having the parents escorted down the aisle then you need to let the FOG be escorted by his SO. Any other option will be a visible snub.

lyndausvi · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f3ae1284-572e-437f-8160-8368d5d06207Post:bcb327ea-f784-46af-a3b9-d41866662ff5">Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]Hooray, I realize that people here (a majority here, but a small group of people in absoluted terms) take the "social unit" rule to the max, but here is a situation that shows how absurd that can get. FOG has a wife, but you want to treat his GF as equivalent to a wife.. I think that many etiquette books would recommend that in this situtation Dads GF stay home, or at best sit in the back. My god, this isnt even dad being recently divorced, dad isnt divorced yet.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Well there are a lot of reason for them not to be divorced yet. Add in the dad has a long term girlfriend that everyone seems to know about. I think it's safe to say FILs do not consider themselves a married couple even though legally they are one.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>OP - Because this is a long term GF I'm going to assume that the parents do not live as a married couple. I would more than likely either have her sit in the second row before the profession and he can join her or have her walk down with him. Everyone is going to know she is walking down as the date of FIL NOT has some honored guest.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

ootmother2 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f3ae1284-572e-437f-8160-8368d5d06207Post:ebfdf3ba-6362-4562-ba99-3c85dd8e7797">Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're having the parents escorted down the aisle then you need to let the FOG be escorted by his SO. Any other option will be a visible snub.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I disagree. Let the MOG be seated first and have the FOG & SO after that.

I would reverse this if the parents were actually divorced but they are married, seperated or not.

lyndausvi · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f3ae1284-572e-437f-8160-8368d5d06207Post:7cce1292-4a61-4e53-9021-af4da9740034">Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend : Do I think it's inappropriate for a person to be in a relationship when they're still married? In most cases yes. However judging someone's relationship as not ideal doesn't absolve you from following the rule of not splitting up couples. A<strong>lso I'm not sure if you're aware of this but you give consistently bad etiquette advice when it comes to fathers. </strong>
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>It's clear she has some unresolved issues from her father's affair. </div>

lyndausvi · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f3ae1284-572e-437f-8160-8368d5d06207Post:7ac69fe1-4e89-47cb-b440-8e934bc4cdea">Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]OP -- Here is what Carly writes -- not quite on point, but it does discuss recently divorced parents. <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/step-family-wedding-questions/qa/invite-divorced-parents-with-a-guest.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/step-family-wedding-questions/qa/invite-divorced-parents-with-a-guest.aspx</a>
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

<div>The OP didn't ask if she should invite the GF. They plan to invite her, so your questions is moot.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>This is a long-term GF. So while they are not divorced, yet, it's NOT something that is new and fresh like a recent divorce.</div><div>
</div>

Loopyseven · September 2012

OP - girlfriend can either be already seated during the procession and FOG can join her, she can walk in with FOG, or you can forgo having parents process at all. Any of those would be acceptable options. What does your FFIL think is going to happen? Regardless of what NYU says, FOG should be able to sit with his GF at the ceremony and reception. It's not about placating the GF as she implies, it's about respecting FFIL and his relationship with this woman. Put them at a separate table than FMIL to avoid awkward silences. Her with her family, him with his or something like that.

banana468 · September 2012

OOT, I think I agree.

My point is that this seems to be a public SO so asking FOG to be escorted by someone else would not be appropriate.

Loopyseven · September 2012

To clarify, I think FOG could process alone or with his GF. I would not stick him with some random female to process down the aisle.

ootmother2 · September 2012

Sorry. I was checking Crane's but it's not covered.

Personal experience: My father was seperated from his second wife (our mom was deceased) and step mother insisted on acting as ":moither of the groom", being seated as that and incuded in reception as that. We had no idea why.

We had a wonderful dad who was widowed very early. We were young, 17, 16, 13, 8 & 6.
We all hated her and do to this day. Perhaps he was just trying to keep peace but I don't understand why. They did wind up divorcing after 6 or 7 years seperation.

Go figure

ootmother2 · September 2012

NYUgirl,

While it's not very mature it is very easy to understand hating your stepmother in your case.
Note, I had two after that and couldn't stand either one.
Put yourself above care about SMs and love your dad.
You will have peace with this eventually. I did.

crash2729 · September 2012

Either have the FOG and GF walk together or have them both be seated when the processional starts.

How does the MOG feel about it?

I only ask because my H's bio-dad has been living in MI for the majority of his life (H has always been in TX). I was going to have bio-dad and his wife walk in together to be seated. H's mother flipped out that she was included in the processional. So, they were to be preseated...but they showed up way late so it was a non-issue anyway.

ootmother2 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f3ae1284-572e-437f-8160-8368d5d06207Post:7c4bdcb3-c6a9-453e-a55a-6f0cf7d67e41">Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]OOT, my dad is more than willing to accept that his wife does not deserve to be treated as a parent. But thank you for caring.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

wife or girlfriend? I think that was a slip (or fear). Don't worry, I do understand it

lyndausvi · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f3ae1284-572e-437f-8160-8368d5d06207Post:9a0c2652-b37c-485b-bc61-63cdda138b86">Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]A wedding is not just a social event, it is also the sanctifciation of a marrige, especially if it a religous ceremony. Lyn, agree, Carley's adivce was regarding recent divorced parents -- its hard to think that GFs of non-divorced parents should get better treatment.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

<div>Who says she is getting better treatment? inviting her to a wedding is hardling treating her better. </div><div>
</div><div>You also can not project your own experience on every divorced couple. For all you know mom is the one delaying the inevitable divorce. </div><div>
</div><div>My MIL has had a 20+ year affair with a married man. My MIL did not start out as the other woman. They had been separated. His wife will not get divorced. They do not share a home or live like a married couple AT ALL. </div><div>
</div><div> My MIL has been divorced twice and doesn't want to get married again and for whatever reason it doesn't bother her. I do not get the arrangement, but whatever, they all seem to be okay with it.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

ootmother2 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f3ae1284-572e-437f-8160-8368d5d06207Post:657c689d-d0f9-494a-9a64-6da9fdc9aa40">Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]Every etiquette manual I've read - Miss Manners (Judith Martin), Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt all state that: 1. Married couples must be invited together. 2. Engaged couples are invited together. 3. Anyone in a current relationship must be invited as a couple. It's DATES that don't have to be allowed.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Retread, The SO of the FOG was the cause of the separation. They are not engaged nor are they married. I think anyone in adulterous relationship doesn't get first parent treatment.

I'm arguing this because of my father's situation,not necessarily the OPs

crash2729 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f3ae1284-572e-437f-8160-8368d5d06207Post:3b51bbb9-a645-4840-995c-868042064f1a">Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend :<strong> Retread, The SO of the FOG was the cause of the separation. </strong>They are not engaged nor are they married. I think anyone in adulterous relationship doesn't get first parent treatment. I'm arguing this because of my father's situation,not necessarily the OPs
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]
Can you show me where OP says this? <div>I think retread's advice is fine based on what the OP said.</div>

DocileDoom · September 2012

I think the best thing to do in this situation is to listen to your fiance. Ettiquette rules could go either way (as demonstrated by these arguments), but his opinon is all that really matters in this case.

You mention that your fiance doesn't like her. If that is the case, then worrying about snubbing her might not be his biggest concern. Even if your father does end up marrying his gf, if your finace doesn't want anything to do with her, you don't have to visit or spend time with them as a couple.

You're both adults. You are not required to put up with family that you don't want to. If your fiance hates her, then he can just spend time with his father alone, both at the wedding and for the rest of your lives. I'm sure the father would be happy to spend time with him, even without his gf around.

arendiva · September 2012

If it were me I would just skip the honored parent walk ins. Have everyone seated before the ceremony. Have FOG seated in a different row than MOG (also a different table at dinner). Whether or not I would give him a date would depend largely on the circumstances.

If my parents were just waiting for the divorce to go through and were both dating than yes I would give them both the option of dates.

If my father had left my mom for another woman, divorce proceedings hadn't begun yet, and the wound to my mom was very fresh than no I would not give my dad a date. The feelings of a homewrecking whore would never go before the feelings of my mother.

Having said that these cases are very subjective and need to be treated on a case by case. The OP should talk to her mom. See how she feels about her and her (still husband) being on the dating scene and whether or not she could handle him having a date. If her answer was "No it would ruin the happiness of my child's wedding day for me" than I would talk to my dad in a calm non-judgemental manner and tell him that in being sensitive to both parties due to the recent separation that neither him or the MOG would get a date. He might be bummed that he can't bring his girlfriend but really if he is still legally married to someone else he ought to be able to understand how it would look unseemly for him to bring a different date to his kids wedding.

I think that most GOOD parents want their kids to enjoy their wedding day and not be unduly stressed by family drama. If presented with the reality that bringing a date would cause such drama I would hope that a good parent could attend a wedding for 5 hours stag.

schoells99 · September 2012

Thanks for all of the wonderful advice. The situation is getting calmer. We have decided to have FOG and SO seated before ceremony. We will only have the mothers process in. However, now we are stuck on reception seating. FOG and MOG are not divorced due to the cost of doing a divorce (neither one can afford it). They have been separated for 8 years and live in completely different states. They do not talk. The SO had NOTHING to do with the separation but has been dating FOG for 2 1/2 to 3 years. The SO and FOG do not live together, and do not have any current plans to get married (obviously due to the lack of a divorce). Issue: FOG has completely isolated himself from his entire family so we cannot create a table where he would just sit with his brothers and sisters. However, MOG has remained quite close to her side and FOG's side of extended family. So, we have NO idea who to sit FOG and SO with at reception as they do not talk to anyone who is going to be present. Suggestions?

crash2729 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f3ae1284-572e-437f-8160-8368d5d06207Post:858202d9-a910-4627-af2f-1655922dd8de">Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all of the wonderful advice. The situation is getting calmer. We have decided to have FOG and SO seated before ceremony. We will only have the mothers process in. However, now we are stuck on reception seating. FOG and MOG are not divorced due to the cost of doing a divorce (neither one can afford it). They have been separated for 8 years and live in completely different states. They do not talk. The SO had NOTHING to do with the separation but has been dating FOG for 2 1/2 to 3 years. The SO and FOG do not live together, and do not have any current plans to get married (obviously due to the lack of a divorce). Issue: FOG has completely isolated himself from his entire family so we cannot create a table where he would just sit with his brothers and sisters. However, MOG has remained quite close to her side and FOG's side of extended family. So, we have NO idea who to sit FOG and SO with at reception as they do not talk to anyone who is going to be present. Suggestions?
Posted by schoells99[/QUOTE]<div>I would not sit MOG with FOG extended family. </div><div>The way that we did it was, FOB got his own table with the family, MOB got table with family/friends, MOG got her own table, FOG got his own table. </div><div>
</div><div>In this case I would probably sit FOG with neutral parties...Maybe WP?</div><div>
</div>

Loopyseven · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f3ae1284-572e-437f-8160-8368d5d06207Post:9ef94175-1733-41da-af99-086f64ad389b">Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend : I would not sit MOG with FOG extended family. The way that we did it was, FOB got his own table with the family, MOB got table with family/friends, MOG got her own table, FOG got his own table. In this case I would probably sit FOG with neutral parties...Maybe WP?
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm not awake yet, so I'm going to go with "Crash is wise - listen to this"</div>

arendiva · September 2012

Is it possible that you could seat the FOG and his SO with some misc couples from the bride's side. I know for my wedding there will be a number of adult couples who are invited because they are friends of my parents. They don't know eachother or anyone else at the wedding. I'm planning on seating them together with the hope that they can socialize amonst themselves. Weddings are a great place to meet new people.

crash2729 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f3ae1284-572e-437f-8160-8368d5d06207Post:29598c28-f2b1-4536-9d64-4106c2e5ef52">Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]Crash and Loopy --<strong> seating dad with WP looks to me like an honor -- that dad and his GF dont rate, </strong>certainly not above other parents -- I would go with misc other adults.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
So is it an honor or they don't rate? or are you saying that the dad and his GF don't rate...because that's pretty rude.<div>It can't be both. </div><div>I only said wedding party because they are neutral and they are VIPs, so seating VIPs with VIPs, makes sense.</div>

Lisa50 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f3ae1284-572e-437f-8160-8368d5d06207Post:9b0408a5-3d3a-4cb7-b22f-6c640eb16084">Father of the Groom's Girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance's father and mother are separated. The father has been dating someone for a long time. However, my fiance is not a fan of her at all. We are wondering how to process the parents in to the ceremony. The best man will be walking his mother down the aisle. Should his father already be seated, or should he walk in behind them? Also, <strong><font color="#0000ff">if he walks down the aisle how do we tell him we don't think his girlfriend should be walking down the aisle with him?</font></strong>
Posted by schoells99[/QUOTE]

Whoa ... if the groom's father does <u>not</u> walk down the aisle, how will he get to his seat? Helicopter? Teleportation a la Star Trek?

I believe you need to keep silent on the groom's father's girlfriend. She is his partner; they <u>should</u> walk down the aisle together ... after the groom's mother has been escorted to her seat.

Lisa50 · October 2012

*raises hand* As the divorced (and remarried) mother of an adult son (I cannot stand my exH), there is NO WAY either exH or I would not be on our best behavior for our son's wedding.

Please, give the groom's father and his girlfriend some credit here. Leave the judgements to someone else (there will be plenty of judgy-judgersons to carry the load). Focus on your happiness. Have a wonderful day!

crash2729 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f3ae1284-572e-437f-8160-8368d5d06207Post:884e6ddb-16d9-44bc-8fc2-d536dafccc32">Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]Crash, there are VIPs and Other VIPs -- to put some parents with WP and not others, is I think a slap on the parents not invited to sit with wedding party. <strong>All VIPs can have their own tables. </strong> And from what OP says, it doesnt sound like she would want to inflict dad/GF on her WP.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
Well, that was my first half of the post actually. <div>OP already stated that FOG did not speak to his family. So either, he sits with them anyway or they sit alone? </div><div>
</div><div>And I'm sorry, but anyone who gets offended because they were put at a table with their family over the WP needs to GTFO.</div>

crash2729 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f3ae1284-572e-437f-8160-8368d5d06207Post:20f9bc04-86ff-487d-94d8-31827dfa5a15">Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>If Dad's behavior has resulted in his own family not wanting to sit with him, its on him</strong>. I suggested officent/spouse sitting with dad and/or misc other people. <strong>I do see putting some parents with WP and not others as a slap at other parents. </strong> I also can not see doing this to WP - they are likely of another generation from Dad
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
You know...really..It's a chair to eat dinner. Not the end of the world. <div>I gave a suggestion to OP. You don't have to like it.</div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f3ae1284-572e-437f-8160-8368d5d06207Post:76e98cb1-7540-4abf-a309-b0eb5b4245fd">Re: Father of the Groom's Girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]Retreat - so what are you suggesting, that dad sit between his wife and his GF?
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

My dad and his GF sat in the second row, my mom and her husband sat in the first row, as MOB is a more honored position than FOB.

Each of my parents had separate tables at the reception. My dad's table included his girlfriend, my brother, my aunt, my cousin and my cousin's son. My mom had no family or friends attending the reception, so she sat with her husband and then a few of my friends, whom she had met before (including one of my BMs - I joked that said BM could keep an eye on my mom and my brother could keep an eye on my dad just to make sure everything went, uh, smoothly during the reception).

FWIW, my dad wanted to walk down the aisle with me, so I had my brother escort his GF down the aisle before the rest of the parents. (My brother was in the WP, so he then went and stood up front.) Then my in-laws walked in, then my mom and her husband, then the wedding party.

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