Moms and Maids

Should I feel this bad?

My fiance's mom has made it clear since our engagement that she and his step-dad are willing to contribute financially to the wedding. She finally gave him a budget: $30,000!

That is beyond generous and way more than either of us were expending. (and I understand the "he who pays, says" so those comments are not really needed).

Here's my problem: my parents have basically said that they will not be contributing (and if they do it'll be very little). They did not pay for my sister's wedding so it would only be fair that they not pay for mine.

I feel guilty that his parents are putting so much in and what comes from my family will basically come from me (working part-time as a waitress...)

Should I feel guilty? (We did not ask for the money)

Re: Should I feel this bad?

  • McKenna2012McKenna2012 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I wouldn't feel guilty.  They volunteered it, and you don't have to spend the whole $30,000 if it bothers you to spend so much.
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  • KatyRoseMKatyRoseM member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Why should you feel guilty?  His parents want to throw or help you throw a party.  They are contributing what they want.  You give what you can and work with them to make them feel they are getting what they wanted. 

    I honestly don't see why you would feel bad, they are adults doing what they want with their money. 
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    No reason to feel guilty at all.  It was a gift.  Accept it graciously and plan a beautiful wedding. 
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think I understand what you're feeling, but I don't think you should feel bad.  My DH and I are more "comfortable" financially than either of our children's in-laws.  It was our pleasure to contribute to our son and DIL's wedding and our DD and SIL's wedding.  It made us happy to do this for our kids.

    I'm sure you already have, but thank your in-laws for their generosity, and have a beautiful wedding.  Just curious, how are your parents reacting to this situation?

    Anyway, you sound like a thoughtful bride, and your in-laws are clearly counting their blessings to have you joining their family. 

    Good luck to you!
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • phunluvin82phunluvin82 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I understand some of how you feel...my future in-laws have been very (and overly?) generous with us as well.  In addition to the things they are already paying for (very upscale RD, large catered day-after brunch, honeymoon), my FMIL has recently offered (basically insisted to pay for all of the flowers).  I already have my contract set with my florist and let me just say that I didn't pick out the world's cheapest flowers...far from it, I'm slightly ashamed to say. 

    I don't want to send her the invoice because I feel like they are already paying for WAY too much for us!  On the other hand, I know that they would not offer if they didn't want to.  They do well financially and have 2 sons...so no weddings to pay for. 

    I totally get how you're feeling, but, maybe do what I did in the case of the flowers, which was pay for a small but manageable portion myself and then cut a few things to shave some $$ off of the final tab.  That way I can accept their generosity...but still not feel like I'm being unneccessarily spoiled (which I CLEARLY am, lol)...
  • mandi921vhmandi921vh member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-feel-this-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:41e753f0-5c85-4019-b6d0-996cedf881b1Post:0dc81a42-725b-4830-b646-9c20e23d43c7">Re: Should I feel this bad?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wouldn't feel guilty.  They volunteered it, and you don't have to spend the whole $30,000 if it bothers you to spend so much.
    Posted by McKenna2012[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.</div>
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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I understand where you're coming from, but at the end of the day-thank your lucky stars for having such generous FILs. Our wedding will basically be financed by me, FI and my parents-we too feel guilty sometimes about my parents contributing so much simply for the fact that they're somewhat struggling financially. But, all we can do is make economical choices and stay true to ourselves as far as what we want.
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  • edited December 2011

    I agree with what people are saying, you have nothing to feel bad about, and just because they set a budget of $30,000 doesn't mean you have to use the entire $30K. 

    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
  • edited December 2011
    No, I don't think you should feel guilty. But I understand how you feel. My parents have offered to pay for the entire wedding and even the honeymoon! I don't know how much it is costing them, but it must be alot because my reception is in a really nice hotel. (We were all set to have a simpler reception site, but they were the ones that suggested the hotel.) So, in a word, we absolutely did not ask for any of this (though it is appreciated greatly) Ifeel guilty at times because in addition to paying for this, they pay for tuition for me and my sister, which isnt cheap either. I am planning on getting them a nice thank you gift and giving it to them sometime before the wedding. I am also paying for little things, like bridesmaid gifts (which I guess the bride should pay for that anyway, favors, maybe shoes and my headpiece. I am on a limited budget, but I would like to help my parents, they have been soo generous! So yes, I do understand feeling guilty. Should you feel guilty. Absolutely not. You did not ask for any of this. Maybe you and your FI can get them a nice thank you gift like I am planning to do, and whatever you guys do contribute, no matter how big or small, I'm sure they will appreciate it.
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  • kd137108kd137108 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you guys for the advice. I am very grateful that they are willing to help so much, I just wish I could help more than I'm going to be able to.

    And I like the idea of the thank you gift.

    Thanks again!
  • hoffsehoffse member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    The fact that they've given you a budget is a great thing, and it means that's the max they are willing to spend.  Try to budget in such a way so that your final estimted cost is 20% less than their budget.  That gives you some wiggle room in case you go over for certain things and it accounts for unexpected expenses.  That will also let you have a couple "splurges" for things you really care about like fancier flowers or 2 photographers instead of 1.  $30K is a lot, and I know in my area you can do the whole plated multi-course meal thing at a club for around $20K (plus everything else that goes into a wedding and reception).  If you are still careful with your budget and you give it to them to look it over (maybe with some links to examples of things in various price ranges you like), then I can't imagine there will be any hard feelings about that.  As long as you behave as though you understand it is their money and you're not just trying to blow it all, you have no reason to feel guilty.

    What you DON'T want to do is what my FSIL did to my FI's family.  Her "side" only contribued the wedding dress and the groom's ring.  FI's family paid for the rest.  They made the mistake of not giving her a precise budget, so she just spent and spent and spent and now they are in financial trouble because of that wedding.  Needless to say there is some lingering resentment about the whole thing, but I guarantee you there would not be resentment if she had an amount that she couldn't go over and if she budgeted with them along the way.  Just don't be like my FSIL and you have nothing to feel bad about (she DOES have something to feel bad about and she seems clueless as to that fact...).  The fact that you're aware that it's very generous gives me the impression that you aren't going to do anything with that money that they would disagree with.  Have fun and good luck!
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  • asialee2asialee2 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You don't have to use it all. Plan the wedding that you wanted with the smaller budget but get a few splurge items, or something that you always wanted but never though you could afford.. After the wedding write them a letter letting them know that their contributions made made it YOUR day.
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  • lindsay5432lindsay5432 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't feel bad about accepting this gift. 

    But if there is ONE thing I have learned from wedding planning (and this website) it is that gifts from parents come with strings attached.  I say don't touch a penny of that $30,000 until you have all the details of the wedding agreed upon with your future in-laws.   Ask yourself if you want to give up all control over your wedding - the guest list, the venue, the type of flowers, the number of people, the wording of your invitations, what you will eat for dinner, everything.  It's totally like making a deal with the devil -- and you may not realize that until you've gone too far in your planning to back out and do it your own way. 

    Accepting a $$$ gift was absolutely the biggest mistake I've made while planning my wedding and now I am just counting down the days until this thing is over.  It has been a huge strain on my mental and physical health (started smoking again, over-eating, not sleeping well) and it's horrid to deal with everyone squealing "You must be getting sooooooo excited!!!!"  I am hating every minute of it.

    Happy planning.
  • edited December 2011
    Don't feel guilty, enjoy the generous gift and have fun planning!
  • linzerdlinzerd member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't feel guilty!  Be thankful!  My parents are pretty much footing the bill for my wedding and my fiance's father is only paying for the rehearsal dinner and our photographer as a gift, even though he has way more money than my parents.  I'm actually rather pissed off about it, so be happy and grateful.  That is twice my budget!
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