Priest trouble abroad

Sagenhaft · May 2010

I grew up in New England and that's where my parish is located. However, FI and I decided to get married OOT to accomodate his family and this fabulous venue we both found and abolsutely love. I'm Catholic, FI is not. The priest who was head of my parish retired last year while I was out of state for college. Now, all the churches I've talked to out here won't even let me explain the situation before they say "If you're not a member of the parish, then we can't marry you here." I've also gotten the whole 6-month-engagement requirement for the archdiosese of Cincinnati.

FI and I decided to keep our current wedding plans (the date has a lot of signifigance for us as it is a close relative's anniversary and another relative's birthday) and have a small relgious wedding after the 6-month engagement period is over in September. I would still like to have a Catholic ceremony, even if it isn't sanctioned by the church. Is there some way to have this? Could a deacon or a priest reside over the wedding? We will be living together, of course, after the wedding in August, though the church does not approve of that.

Ugh. Does anyone have any advice/similiar problems? It seems like since I'm not from here and don't have a parish out here that I can't get anyone to help me.

tldh · May 2010

I think almost every parish requires you to be a member and it's not just the Catholic church. If you are getting married in Cincinnati (sounds like it from your post), call St. Monica's in Clifton. It's right on the edge of the UC campus and I don't think they have the requirement. It's also one of the most beautiful churches in the city. If that doesn't work, try St. Xavier downtown, a Jesuit church.

As for whether you can have a non-sanctioned catholic wedding: no. A priest isn't going to marry you and not have it be in the Catholic church and, unless they are licensed as a JP, the deacon cannot marry you.

FI and I are dealing with the same issue in his Greek Orthodox church. We are having a non-denomination ceremony in Philadelphia and wanted a Greek ceremony in California where the rest of his family would be able to attend. Because we are not members in San Jose, no church will do it without charging a couple of thousand. So instead, we are going to do the Greek blessing here on our one year anniversary.

ootmother2 · May 2010

Is there a military chapel in your area? Those are generally non denominatal and you can bring your own priest.or deacon. College chapels are pretty much the same.

Not all churches require memebership. lol, if you want to get married in a beautiful church on Cape Cod, let me know. No fee other than the organist which was $250.
I was pretty surprised how welcoming they were to out of towners

Sagenhaft · May 2010

Thank you so much! I will call them asap. I was just a bridesmaid in a Greek Orthodox wedding -- my mom's side is Greek Orthodox. I love their ceremonies, they're very symbolic and sweet.

I actually spent most of my summers on the Cape growing up -- which church were you married in? I'd love to get married there, but FI is from Ohio so here we are...

Calypso1977 · May 2010

personally, i think that gettng married in teh church is more important than a particular date, venue or accomdating certain guests.

i suggest getting married in the parish you and your FI are members of now, where you live.

ootmother2 · May 2010

OP, check your private messages

JeFlanigan · May 2010

I suggest you try to speak with your priest who retired. He may be able to recommend a solution. The parishes you've spoken with may not marry you, but they too should be able to offer advice. You could also pull the "well maybe my Fi's Lutheran church will marry us." I'm sort of kidding. My Fi's aunt is catholic but his uncle is Lutheran, and when they tried to baptize their son in the Catholic church they had a problem. She said "maybe the Lutherans will take him" and walked out... the priest ran out and met her in the parking lot and made arrangements there.

Carolito · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_priest-trouble-abroad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:700d62b0-0a20-4ae9-ac87-b3ee68eab3d8Post:165cb1f5-a735-4386-a0db-8dd7aa9370f6">Re: Priest trouble abroad</a>:
[QUOTE]I suggest you try to speak with your priest who retired. He may be able to recommend a solution. The parishes you've spoken with may not marry you, but they too should be able to offer advice.[/QUOTE]

I definitely agree with this. Talk to your priest. Even though he is retired, he surely can give you advice. I'm surprised of how much rules change from country to country. I live in the Dominican Republic, and here is very common to get marries outside your parish, specially in Santo Domingo, the capital, where I live, since we have a historic part of the city with more than 20 beautiful catholic churches that are only use for weddings, baptisms, confirmations and such. As you can imagine, everyone wants to get married there because how romantic and gorgeous they are. What you do is you go to your parish and they grant you a written permit to get married elsewhere.

What would never be allowed here is to get married under the catholic faith anywhere that is not a catholic parish or temple. My friend tried to do it, and it just was impossible.

Good luck!

Sagenhaft · June 2010

The priest from my parish retired because he had a stroke, it was minor and didn't do any permanent damage but he has been in and out of the hospital. I'm just worried it would be selfish to track him down just to ask about the wedding when he's in such poor health. (I only know this because the replacement priest keeps up the news in bulletin, which my brother reads.)

Je Flanigan, that is too funny. I'm going to try jsut going down to the church, that way I can get out an explanation before they have time to hang up on me.

Theresa626 · June 2010

Ask what is required of you to become a member of the church. For me, it was donating on the envelope system and filling out the paperwork. You have to donate on the envelope system for a minimum of six months. It doesn't matter how much you donate though. If this is what is required, then that is what I would do. You might also be able to have the priest at your church write a letter to the church over there explaining you are getting married there so that your relatives who cannot travel can attend. SOmetimes if you go through another church, they are more understanding.

The six month rule is pretty standard and I don't think you can get around that. You have to do pre-cana and all that takes time. Were you not engaged for a minimum of six months? If so, you could try to get a convalidation ceremony. You'll go through pre cana, etc. I don't think the living together will prevent you from a convalidation ceremony.

ellen73 · June 2010

I am getting married in a parish in NE Ohio- and I haven't lived there for 10 years. The parish I grew up in closed this past weekend (and to be honest, I wouldn't have wanted to get married there anyway). I talked to three different parishes (two suburban, one in Cleveland) and they were all very accomodating. We did do this right at the 6 month mark, within a month of our engagement.

I second contacting a Newman Center or St. Xavier's campus ministry. We did pre-cana through a Newman Center- and the priest's philosophy is that his parish includes anyone who goes to school, works at the university or graduated from the university.

Good luck!!

bellashauntee · June 2010

Maybe San Diego is different, but all of the churches I’ve researched allow non-parishioners to get married in their church. The only stipulation is that non-parishioners are charged more to use the church. I am getting married in a church that I do not attend regularly. Definitely check out the military bases as well. Here in California we have the Missions available for ceremonies as well.

wallyandkristin · June 2010

I had similar troubles finding a church and priest. I grew up in Charleston and only could see myself getting married there but I no longer live there and neither does my immediate family. It took alot of work and I had to write numerous formal letters to the priest at my old parish (where I attended from age 2-13). Other churches would allow me to get married for an exorborant fee but required you bring your own priest. The priest who will marry us refused to travel to another church and only will do the wedding at 12pm at his church (not the gorgeous downtown churches). My fiance and I both catholic and recieving marriage as a sacrament was the most important thing to us. I had to look past not having the gorgeous church and realize that it was about me, him and God and it didn't matter what the church looked like.

I would suggest that you write a formal letter to explain your situation and how important it is to you and your fiance that you be married in the church. They never want to listen to you over the phone and you are usually speaking to church secretaries, but sometimes a really nice letter can reach the priest's desk and change his mind. Good luck!

tldh · June 2010

You might also want to ask your future in laws to pay personal visits to the pastors at some of the churches. Face to face may pay off more than anything, and frankly, considering they are the reason you are marrying in Cincinnati, I think it's the least they can do to help.

preciosa4 · June 2010

I'd suggest going though your home parish (whoever the current priest is), explaining that for a number of personal reasons, you need to be married out of town, and ask what they suggest. They may be able to write a letter on your behalf, or something like that.

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