Wedding Party

Broke(?) Bridesmaid

2»

Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid

  • Being "in" someone's wedding is too important to some people, IMO. I don't see any reason to change the dress you want because one person can't afford it -- and if the BM was on a ridiculously tight budget, then she should have made that clear when she accepted (yes, the bride should have asked her, but did she really expect the bride to pick a $20 dress?)
    I think not budging on a dress is too important too some people when it's "the dress" forsaking the person they asked to be in the bridal party in the first place.

    And quite frankly, I'd never ask people on a vacation if I knew one person couldn't go.

    I also know someone who had VERY hurt feelings when that exact thing did take place.
  • In Response to Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid:
    And quite frankly, I'd never ask people on a vacation if I knew one person couldn't go. I also know someone who had VERY hurt feelings when that exact thing did take place.
    Posted by banana468
    So would you not ask the friend who couldn't afford it and ask your other close friends, and risk hurting their feelings by not being invited? Or would you just not go where you want to go because one person can't make it?

    Personally, I would feel terrible if I knew one of my friends wasn't doing what she wanted because of my monetary situation.
  • Why would you make the wedding unaffordable in the first place?  Why make the expenses so great that not all the people you want in the WP could participate?  Do you not see how warped that is, to make it so expensive that not everyone can participate?
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • No Sagen, I wouldn't create the "birthday trip" in the first place.

    If I wanted to create a vacation separately from that, I'd consider it.  But if it was going to be a celebratory vacation, I wouldn't do something that omitted a friend due to her financial situation.

    And that's exactly what hurt the feelings of a good friend of mine.  Friends of hers said, "Let's do something wonderful for B's birthday!" My friend had wonderful ideas and ultimately they said, "We're doing things THIS way and if you don't want to be a part of it due to finances, that's what we're doing so oh well."

    She wasn't very pleased at all.

    And no way would I do that to anyone who was a friend.  I'd plan the event that all parties could attend if they were interested in doing so and the vacation would be something to think about with no occasion attached whatsoever.
  • OP's BM wasn't asking for a $20 dress.  The BM was saying that $20 goes a long way for her so a dress that costs less than $165 would really make a big difference for her.  I'll bet anything a very similar dress can be found for $150.  Or $140.  Or $120.  
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Also, why wouldn't you WANT to make being in your wedding affordable and not a financial burden?  Why wouldn't you WANT to do that for them?  Why would you WANT to make them make that choice?  

    It's not a sign of a "true friend" that they'd bite the bullet and spend whatever you say.  It's not about making everything about you because every other day of your life you do things for other people and you want to milk this day for all it's worth.  If that's the attitude you have, then that's your true character shining through, and you know what, it ain't pretty.

    It's about marrying someone, starting your family, and wanting your closest friends and family up there with you when you do it.  Why wouldn't you want to do whatever you could to make that a fun and enjoyable experience for everyone involved?  Hint: It's not difficult.  And it doesn't mean you have to compromise on anything important.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Another option for the OP (which I wish I would have done in hindsight) is pick a color or a designer (with reasonable prices) and a color and let the BMs pick their own dress.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    BabyFruit Ticker
    TTC #1 since 08/11 IUI#2 = BFP!
  • Wow, there's alot of opinions on here. I have to say $165 isn't horrible for a dress....I once spent $190 on a dress to be a candlelighter in a wedding! Another time it was $280 for a MOH dress for my sister. Both of these weddings came at  times in my life where I worked full time (with a job that paid horribly), was going to school full time (and paying what I could for it) as well as paying for everyother bill that came my way (I was pretty much broke all the time). In the 5 weddings that I have been a BM (and not to mention the one where I bought a dress to be a candlelighter), not one of the brides asked me what my budget was. They simply told me what dress they wanted and where to go get it. Yes, the dresses were a little more than I wanted to spend, and I certainly would never wear them again, but I did not complain about it, I did what I had to do to make it work because I wanted to make the bride happy because in the end it was her day.

    I know I'm not getting married for a while, but I've already started planning and I think it's hard to try and make everyone happy. I'm about ready to pull my hair out listening to people tell me what I "need" to have and what I "shouldn't" do, when in reality, all I want to do is marry my FI and start our lives together. But I also know that alot of people have been planning their weddings since they were a little girl and they want everything absolutely perfect, so if the OP wants this certain BM dress, do it. If your BM can't afford it, discuss some options with her. Again I never was asked what my budget was on any of the weddings I was in and money was extremely tight, but I made it through and now have lovely dresses in a closet collecting dust, but I don't regret any of it because I made some awesome memories in them. I don't think that anyone needs to be kicked out of a WP over a dress, but I've seen worse (my friend kicked a BM out for not trying on shoes). OP do what you feel is right in your heart, talk to your BM and figure out something. If this dress is something you in love with and can't imagine your wedding without it, then I'm sure you and your BM will find a way to make it happen. If not, then I'm sure you can come to a happy medium.

    Good luck and hope everything works out!
  • kay_marie, just because the brides in your life did things inappropriately (requring a specific dress for a CANDLELIGHTER??!!?) does not mean that it's acceptable to continue that practice.

    The BM should have been consulted about her budget prior to the bride choosing the dress.
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    member
    edited February 2010
    I say again, just because you can make someone spend more money than they feel comfortable with for the sake of your wedding, and just because other people have done it to you, does not make it okay.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • I had originally picked out dresses that were $140 each.  I didn't think this was a huge deal as I was in one of my bridesmaids weddings and her dresses were in that range.  The more I thought about it, the price of thes dresses were a little more of a burden on my BM then I wanted it to be.  They are all married and some have children, all have purchased a home in the last 6 months.

    I  did some research online and in less then an hour found very comparable dresses that were only $48 each! (www.rosebridesmaiddresses.com) None of my BM would have ever let me know if the dresses I had first picked were a little bit of a hardship  but I didn't want my wedding to be a strain on them.  The way i see it, they will look good in their cheaper dresses, the pictures will look great and most eyes will be on my FI and I anyways.  The BM's will only be in the dresses for like 6 hours anyways...no reason to spend alot on them!

    So, the long and short of my response is maybe your friend is being rude but you need to have a talk with her in private.  Maybe she really didn't expect it to cost that much but REALLY wants to be in your wedding.  I am sure you can find a solution......
  • I have been in 4 weddings and lived 3000 miles away from them at the same time.  All 4 girls were very close friends of mine and none of them asked me how much I could afford, I didnt think of them as being rude or disrespectful, they were some of my best friends and it was going to be their day and because I loved them and wanted to do what I could to support them I paid for the dresses.  One was 320, one was 220, one was 165 and the other was paid for by the brides mother.  On top of it I had to pay for a plane ticket home and contribute to bridal showers.  I hardly made a dime at my job but these girls were my best friends... I didnt think of them as having to keep me happy because the day wasnt about me, it meant that I had the honor of standing with them on the best day of their lives and I was going to do waht I could to be there.

    OP -165 is not bad for a BM dress IMO and if youre offering to help pay for some of the deposit and accomodate her with extra time to come up with the money then that is totally reasonable.  When we accept to be in a wedding we all know that there is a price and alot of the time its a big one.  I opted out of paying for make up at the weddings I was in as a way to save some money after buying dresses, when planning Bridal showers most of the time the other BM will understand if you can contribute the same amount as others.  The dress however IMO should be your choice especially if youre willing to be accomodating with time and helping even a little with cost.
  • Yes, jennyp08 has the right attitude in all this and sounds like a wonderful friend.

    I just cannot believe some of the perspectives I am reading on this thread - this whole notion of "it's my day!" makes my brain hurt. No, it's not YOUR DAY. You are marrying someone - therefore it's his day as well. And unless you're going down the courthouse and having a private ceremony, when you invite others to take part in your wedding (as members of the bridal party and as guests) you then become a hostess who is responsible in some part for her guests. You are not exempt from common decency and your wedding day is not a free pass to behave like a selfish brat.


    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
  • In Response to Re: Broke(?) Bridesmaid:
    kay_marie, just because the brides in your life did things inappropriately (requring a specific dress for a CANDLELIGHTER??!!?) does not mean that it's acceptable to continue that practice. The BM should have been consulted about her budget prior to the bride choosing the dress.
    Posted by banana468
    I completely agree. I would have loved to been asked what my budget was (it definitely wasn't $180 for a candlelighters dress). I haven't asked my WP what their budget is yet, because I know what it is. My MOH's are my sisters and BMs are my FSIL and a friend. My MOH's and FSIL will have their husbands and their children in the wedding, so I'm trying to make things as inexpensive as possible, because they'll have to purchase a BM dress, and tuxes for the husband and children. My other BM is still in school, so I am putting myself in their shoes and trying to make things as inexpensive as possible. And thanks for all the websites that people posted on here for cheaper dresses. I've saved them as favorites for when it comes time for that decision. But I do agree with some of the comments on this site that when you accept to be a part of a WP, you know that its going to be more money than you wish to spend. When I had to spend $280 on my MOH dress, I made it clear to my sister that it was an expensive dress, but she had to have the color, because it's what she wanted. Of course now, two years later she admits that the dress was expensive and she should have been more accommodating to her WP's opinions (and the dress was of poor quality that started falling apart before the ceremony).
  • I think people are missing the part of the OP's post that her friend is talking about going to the mall just to shop even though she doesn't need anything.  This is the kicker for me.  You can either afford it or you can't.  If you truly can't afford it period, where a lack of $20 can put you on the street, then maybe you shouldn't be going to the mall.  I have a friend like this.  I love her to pieces but when she balks at paying for something for the wedding but then gets all excited about a $80 pair of shoes she just bought that she doesn't need at all (which i know, because she was my roommate and I'm fully aware of her shoe wardrobe) then its hard for me to have sympathy.  

    If the BM is really cutting corners everywhere then absolutely look for a new dress.  You shouldn't have picked it without asking.  However, I think it's different when she is conveniently poor when it comes to the dress. And if you're just asking for the dress purchase vs. requiring dress/hair/makeup/jewelry etc.  Just be reasonable and you'll be alright.  
  • I must have come across as saying, "If you can't afford it then screw you."  That was not my intention at all.  I do value all of their friendships, very much.

    I did speak with each of my bridesmaids about my original price range.  After speaking with them individually I made adjustments and went back to them individually to talk more about it.  They all agreed that this was doable for them.

    This 1 bridesmaid said even $20 less would be a difference.  Since making this post, I have found the dress for $20 cheaper and makes the deposit $30 cheaper.  I'm hoping that I have found a way to make all my bridesmaids happy, and get the dress I so badly want.

    Not only is the dress cheaper, but because I'm ordering 7 dresses the alterations are totally FREE.  No matter what has to be done- taken in, let out, hems, etc.  Yes, I got that in writing.  Getting the same dress for $20 cheaper, plus free alterations doesn't sound like a bad deal to me, but I'll take input!
2»
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards