Is my wedding my day, or my mom's?

misscarolb · April 2010

The problem is that my mom used my sister's wedding as a huge family reunion, I was very open with telling her that wasn't what I wanted. When we talk about the guest list she seems okay with the fact that I want to draw the line at my cousins, but when she realizes who that doesn't include she gets pretty defensive. My mom keeps saying that she loved the pictures at my sister's wedding of Grandma and her sisters. However, these are all people who I think I met for the first time at my sister's wedding. (But Mom keeps bringing up how she remembers them from her childhood) It's one of those situations where she keeps adding people; "oh, but we have to include so-in-so".

Ugh.

Anyways, my parents are paying for the whole thing (FI's parents are unable to help) but it's still OUR wedding right? I thought the whole thing was about FI and I joining in marriage, but maybe it's a family reunion?! I thought I was being nice including some family since FI and I originally wanted something very small.

tommyandy · April 2010

Good luck with that. The person who pays get the final vote for everything.

You have more than a year till the wedding which is plenty of time for both of you to get a part-time job to pay for the wedding yourselves. A super small budget means a super small guest list.

We set our max guest list at 60 & only looked at venues that would hold less than 100 people. The smaller venue means there just isn't room for FSIL's boyfriend's sister and the sister's date. (for example). But there is room for FSIL plus 1. HTH

AutumnFair · April 2010

ditto to tommyandy, whoever pays has the say. If you parents are footing the whole bill then they have a right to invite whomever they choose. You really should let this go, its not worth fight if your parents are paying for the wedding. Or pay for the wedding yourself, you then can dictate the guest list.

MairePoppy · April 2010

A wedding is the ultimate family celebration. If your parents are footing the bill, they get to choose how THEIR money is spent. That means they have a big say on the guest list.
If the wedding is just about you and your fi, then you and you fi should pay for it.

misscarolb · April 2010

I'm sorry, not to get defensive, but then shouldn't my mom get to pick out my dress and all the details and just plan her own party if they're paying for it? I mean, if it is truly their party and not mine. My mom and I are very close, and I know we're both trying to come to a compromise. FI and I have decided to have our wedding in Northern California when all of my extended family lives in Southern California and I know that will cut the guest list by tons since a lot of them won't make the trek (and don't say "oh you never know", really these people don't go to weddings IN their area).

And it's not like FI and I are trying to plan a party that's just everything we want and not thinking about other people, We're planning on keeping the budget WAY under what my parents offered us because I think it's gross to spend more than I make in a year on a party. I just want to marry the love of my life at a ceremony & reception that reflects who we are as a couple, is that so much to ask!

Sorry. Vent.

Whippet8 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-day-moms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6c7dc234-51a7-4394-b67d-941f5bb1a301Post:ff7aaf4e-844f-467a-8aca-d1a072c42dec">Re: Is my wedding my day, or my mom's?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry, not to get defensive, but then shouldn't my mom get to pick out my dress and all the details and just plan her own party if they're paying for it? I mean, if it is truly their party and not mine. My mom and I are very close, and I know we're both trying to come to a compromise. FI and I have decided to have our wedding in Northern California when all of my extended family lives in Southern California and I know that will cut the guest list by tons since a lot of them won't make the trek (and don't say "oh you never know", really these people don't go to weddings IN their area). And it's not like FI and I are trying to plan a party that's just everything we want and not thinking about other people, We're planning on keeping the budget WAY under what my parents offered us because I think it's gross to spend more than I make in a year on a party. I just want to marry the love of my life at a ceremony & reception that reflects who we are as a couple, is that so much to ask! Sorry. Vent.
Posted by misscarolb[/QUOTE]

OP, I totally understand your frustration, because I had some issues with my mother during the planning process. However, what people are saying is that since your mother /parents are paying for the wedding, they have ultimate control over what happens with their money. If you truly want the wedding exactly your way, you have to pay for it yourself. You can't have the money with out at least SOME strings attached.

trix1223 · April 2010

If you want a wedding different from what your mom wants, then start saving and pay for your own wedding. If your parents are paying for everything then yes, the final call is theirs. You can have the wedding you want, or the one your mom wants. The choice is yours.

MairePoppy · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-day-moms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6c7dc234-51a7-4394-b67d-941f5bb1a301Post:ff7aaf4e-844f-467a-8aca-d1a072c42dec">Re: Is my wedding my day, or my mom's?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry, not to get defensive, but then shouldn't my mom get to pick out my dress and all the details and just plan her own party if they're paying for it?
Posted by misscarolb[/QUOTE]

No, all adults should pick out and pay for their own clothes. If your mom is paying for your wedding dress, then she will decide how much she is willing to pay for it. As for the other details, I suppose it is her prerogative to plan the details if she wishes, since it is her money. If she is generous enough to pay and let you make the decisions, then you should be thanking her profusely, rather than giving her a hard time about inviting her cousins.

misscarolb · April 2010

After reading everyone's posts I was so frustrated and upset that I gathered myself and called my mom. We hashed things out, and she's even open to letting us have a very small (20-30 people) wedding if we want, destination -whatever. I think she realized that none of these people she wanted to invite would come to our wedding anyways and to her, it's not worth just inviting them.

So, I guess, thanks to everyone who upset me enough to make me resolve the problem!

Kristin789 · April 2010

>>And it's not like FI and I are trying to plan a party that's just everything we want and not thinking about other people, We're planning on keeping the budget WAY under what my parents offered us because I think it's gross to spend more than I make in a year on a party.

So YOU think what your parents want to do with their money is GROSS.
YOU think that your parents' desire to send you off in fine form is GROSS.
YOU think that this event, that your parents have been anticipating since you were born, is GROSS.

Well, you can certainly say that and complain about that and cut corners and cut the budget so that your parents will be seen as total low-budget cheapies who don't love their daughter enough to give her a fine wedding. You can certainly choose to embarass your parents in front of their community.

But it looks pretty selfish and pretentious and disrespectful from here.

I saw your follow-up post about talking to your mother about all of this, and how generous your mother is being in giving up the big event she wanted to host and present her daughter with a lovely big dinner/dance wedding that her family and friends would remember forever as the best wedding ever.

But I still encourage you to embrace what your parents can give to you. Without judging it as gross, stupid, lavish, or whatever.

/>>I just want to marry the love of my life at a ceremony & reception that reflects who we are as a couple, is that so much to ask!

My suggestion would be to go - like a month before the wedding, just you and FI, to some special place in Alabama or California, and hold hands and repeat some vow-like statements and promises to each other and then declare that you are committed to each other. In that way, you and FI get to have a serious moment "that reflects who you are as a couple." Kind of like Jim and Pam from "The Office," who knew that their church wedding & reception would be a hot mess, and so they had a private commitment ceremony beforehand that reflected who they are as a couple - prior to the huge wedding that had grown out of control.

PeonyPrincesskdd · April 2010

It may be your wedding, but since your parents are paying they can invite whomever they want and usually everyone they know and in this case, people they knew from their past such as childhood friends/neighbors/ distant relatives that you maybe have never met before but again, you don't have to know every single person that your parents know and you probably don't. Your parents probably don't know every single friend that you have right?

melissamc2 · April 2010

This is exactly why I am so against parents paying for weddings. Money has suddenly become the biggest factor in what your wedding is going to be - not what you and your fiance WAN|T your wedding to be. That's a shame.

IDEALLY, a parent would want to pay for the wedding just to be nice - but still allow the child to do/have what they want. Rarely do things work out "ideally."

I know a lot of people want to pretend that who is paying doesn't matter, but as previous posters have pointed out - your Mom gets final approval/veto over everything because she's the one signing on the dotted line. It's bullshit, it's manipulative, and it's not at all a "gift" to do it HER way, on what should be your day, but that's just how it is. I've heard that some couples get really lucky and money doesn't become a power-play - I've just never met any of them.

If you REALLY want something small and representative of you and your fiance - pay for it and do it your way. Essentially, put your money where your mouth is. Be willing to deal with the consequences and potential fallout from such an action and do what you want. Otherwise, suck it up and deal. That's pretty much the bottom line when it comes to selling out.

Good luck. It sounds like the worst that is going to happen in your case is that you have a big wedding with lots of family present. There are far worse fates.

EDI|T: I just saw your most recent reply, OP - for some reason it wasn't there when I replied. I'm glad to hear a compromise was reached.

Muffin'sMom · April 2010

I do want to add that we are out there...the parents who pay and stay out of the opinion game. We gave my daughter a dollar amount, I went to all of the appointments with her, and she got exactly what she wanted.

It was her day...not mine.

[Deleted User] · April 2010

I have heard both ways, but totally agree with Muffin'sMom. That is how I would want it if my parents were helping.

trix1223 · April 2010

We were like muffin's mom. We told our DD how much we would contribute to their wedding. It would be enough to cover the cost of a "reasonable" wedding for about 100 people.

We then told them that the money was theirs: if they chose to use it all for their wedding, fine. If they chose to have a smaller event and keep the money or use it toward a house, fine. The only request we made was that whatever their wedding choice, they have an open, rather than a cash bar.

We also gave the same amount of $$ to our son and DIL when they were married.

I offered advice when they asked. Gave affirmation when they didn't.

Zooloo · April 2010

I personally do not agree with the whole whoever pays makes all of the decisions. I believe that however the bride and groom wish to celebrate their love is the most important thing. If your mother is unable to respect your wishes for your wedding, you should tell her to keep her money. That is exactly what we did with my fiance's parents when they complained that their friends (who are strangers to us) and extended family (who fiance hasn't seen in years) weren't on the guest list.... and that is when they just forked over the check and started to keep their opinions to themselves.

brandibooh · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-day-moms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6c7dc234-51a7-4394-b67d-941f5bb1a301Post:067deeca-ec92-4d05-b5c8-34ab3206913b">Is my wedding my day, or my mom's?</a>:
[QUOTE]The problem is that my mom used my sister's wedding as a huge family reunion, I was very open with telling her that wasn't what I wanted. When we talk about the guest list she seems okay with the fact that I want to draw the line at my cousins, but when she realizes who that doesn't include she gets pretty defensive. My mom keeps saying that she loved the pictures at my sister's wedding of Grandma and her sisters. However, these are all people who I think I met for the first time at my sister's wedding. (But Mom keeps bringing up how she remembers them from her childhood) It's one of those situations where she keeps adding people; "oh, but we have to include so-in-so". Ugh. Anyways, my parents are paying for the whole thing (FI's parents are unable to help) but it's still OUR wedding right? I thought the whole thing was about FI and I joining in marriage, but maybe it's a family reunion?! I thought I was being nice including some family since FI and I originally wanted something very small.
Posted by misscarolb[/QUOTE]

If you want control of the wedding, you have the pay for the wedding.

Is my wedding my day, or my mom's?

Re: Is my wedding my day, or my mom's?

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