Divorces and bringing new SO

Lilou902 · July 2010

I wasn't sure where to put this, but this seemed like a good spot to me.

SO... my Aunt and Uncle separated at the beginning of July. They have been married for 20 years and their 18 year old daughter is my MOH. My uncle (related through marriage) left my aunt for another woman. Obviously my aunt was very hurt by this. Within a week, she is dating someone else. Well, I have no right to tell anyone how to live, so if she wants to date, then so be it. I think it's a bit tasteless, especially that because her daughter still lives at home, but again not my place.
So tonite my grandmother informs me that my aunt is bringing her new boyfriend to the wedding. I have not invited her boyfriend, I invited her husband. My grandmother says she doesn't want to be alone. Well, I am not happy about this. Not only do I think that it is weird that my aunt will have a complete stranger at one of our head tables (family table), but all of her inlaws (my uncles mom, aunts, and sister) are ALL invited to the wedding. They were all at the shower, and the "break-up" happened between the shower and wedding invites going out, or I would have considered not inviting them out of respect for my aunt.
I would try to talk to her about this, but I know what will happen. She will get crazy mad, so will my grandmother. My aunt may even refuse to come and then pull her daughter out of the wedding leaving me without a MOH and the one person I want standing next to me day of. She is very dysfunctional, as is displayed through her relationships.
Basically, there isn't much I can do, except suck it up. IT won't be a big deal unless my uncle's family shows up, then who knows. Just wanted to vent a bit.

lharri12 · July 2010

Three things:
1.) How would your aunt "pull her daughter out of the wedding"? Your cousin is an adult and can surely decide for herself whether to participate.
2.) If your aunt brings her boyfriend to the wedding, you will hardly notice. You'll have plenty of other things to be thinking about, trust me! If you're worried about what other guests will think, it's time to accept that you're never going to be able to control that.
3.) I would be very surprised if your uncle's family showed up to your wedding, considering what has transpired. And if they do, refer to #2 - you'll hardly notice them.

Lilou902 · July 2010

Well, my cousin lives with my aunt. And even though she is 18, she was depending on my aunt to pick her up from school (my wedding is on a Friday) and bring her to the venue. But, if my aunt said I'm not going, she would tell her daughter that she won't be going either and that would put my cousin in a rough spot. Trust me, my aunt is just like that.

I agree, I probably hardly will notice, as I said before I will just suck it up, but it's just irritating and sad.

marinabreeze · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_divorces-bringing-new?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:96b2fe2e-4b1b-472a-ba5c-68d49342e287Post:fd999cc0-cd57-451c-9eb8-433fa2c26606">Divorces and bringing new SO</a>:
[QUOTE]I wasn't sure where to put this, but this seemed like a good spot to me. SO... my Aunt and Uncle separated at the beginning of July. They have been married for 20 years and their 18 year old daughter is my MOH. My uncle (related through marriage) left my aunt for another woman. Obviously my aunt was very hurt by this. Within a week, she is dating someone else. Well, I have no right to tell anyone how to live, so if she wants to date, then so be it. I think it's a bit tasteless, especially that because her daughter still lives at home, but again not my place. So tonite my grandmother informs me that my aunt is bringing her new boyfriend to the wedding. I have not invited her boyfriend, I invited her husband. My grandmother says she doesn't want to be alone. Well, I am not happy about this. Not only do I think that it is weird that my aunt will have a complete stranger at one of our head tables (family table), but all of her inlaws (my uncles mom, aunts, and sister) are ALL invited to the wedding. They were all at the shower, and the "break-up" happened between the shower and wedding invites going out, or I would have considered not inviting them out of respect for my aunt. I would try to talk to her about this, but I know what will happen. She will get crazy mad, so will my grandmother. My aunt may even refuse to come and then pull her daughter out of the wedding leaving me without a MOH and the one person I want standing next to me day of. She is very dysfunctional, as is displayed through her relationships. Basically, there isn't much I can do, except suck it up. IT won't be a big deal unless my uncle's family shows up, then who knows. Just wanted to vent a bit.
Posted by Lilou902[/QUOTE]

I find it odd that even though your uncle left your aunt for another woman (therefore moving on with his life apparently), you judge your aunt for moving on with hers. Why does it matter that your cousin lives at home if she's eighteen? She's surely not stupid and I'm sure she's old enough to know that mommy and daddy split up and moved on with other people. I don't see any difference between what your uncle did and what your aunt did for you to judge her and not him. Besides, you don't know what went on in their marriage (at least the whole story) that led to the circumstances that are currently taking place. For all you know, your aunt and uncle may have been having marital problems for awhile, and while your aunt may be upset at the breakup, she may have been "free" to date longer than you or the public has been aware of. If you simply don't like your aunt, that's one thing, but judging her marriage and romantic relationships is another.

If your aunt chose not to come to the wedding, I still fail to understand how this means your adult cousin is out as MOH. If she is away at school and said aunt chose not to pick her up, why can't she go Greyhound or catch a ride with a classmate from your town that might be going home that weekend? She's eighteen, not eight.

That said, I pretty much agree with the pps. You won't notice if your aunt is with new boyfriend. Also, if said uncle's family shows up (which I doubt considering the circumstances), I don't see how said aunt's choice to date would make it any more uncomfortable than said uncle bringing his own new fling to the wedding. If you're aware that the uncle walked away from his vows to be with someone else, they're surely aware of this as well. In any case, you will most likely not notice either relative. I'm sure it will all work itself out when the time comes..

janedoe1113a · July 2010

I find it odd that you judge your aunt and not your uncle. Your uncle was the one that left her for another woman.

Lilou902 · July 2010

Yeah, I guess I am here (we all live on one street) and I see what happened between them. So, putting this out there for others to read may have not been the best idea as I can't really explain the backstory of 20 years. But, I really don't care what either of them do. I do like my aunt, but I don't care for her lifestyle so much. This is her 3rd marriage and she is they type of woman who cannot be alone. When this "went down", she said that she would do anything for my uncle, quit her job, sell her car, and stay at home to cook and clean for him. 3 days later, she has someone new. I just don't want her drama to effect my life. I stay out of what she does, but as I said, it is hard not to notice more than average as I live on the same street as my immediate family. My uncle was wrong in cheating in whatever capacity that he did, but I can't really blame him for not wanting to be in the marriage. It wasn't a good one.

Point of my post however, was just to complain a bit. And you ladies are right, and I know it as well, that I won't notice. I am more upset that my aunt plans to bring this man, but has not yet asked me if it is okay. I did not invite him and it bothers me that she didn't even think to ask before she told other family memebers of her plan.

As for my cousin, if my aunt didn't come, I can guarantee my cousin wouldn't either. She is an adult, but if my aunt was that mad at me for saying, you know I didn't invite your bf, so I really don't want him coming (or whatever, not that I am planning to say that), my aunt would force my cousin not to come. If it was saying, well you can't drive your car (that she paid for) or whatever munipulative way she used, she would make my cousin so guilty, that it would make her life a living hell if she did. She plays more of a "friend" role than that of a mother. She doesn't leave much room for her daughter to achieve independence.

For example, I am the first to marry in my family (out of my cousins and brother) and everyone keeps saying, next will come the first baby. Well, my aunt says, well who knows maybe it will be MOH. Again, the child is 18 and is heading to college. My aunt has said that if she got pregnant, she would love that because then my cousin would be able to stay home with her and not go away to school. Yeah... guess that's some of the reasons I came across as so harsh towards my aunt. Thanks for listening!! I don't plan to do anything, but just let things be and let her bring her BF and hope that everyone acts like adults, since my uncle's family has RSVP that they will be attending the wedding.

bablingbrooke · July 2010

Three marriages isn't enough to raise eyebrows anymore. Sorry. And it's not exactly a crime for her to want to bring her BF, especially knowing/expecting her ex-husband and his family to be there. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, I'm just saying it doesn't justify the level of contempt/frustration/anger you seem to have.

Lilou902 · July 2010

Her ex husband won't be there Brooke, just his family. I appreciate all the feedback. I won't be bothered by his presence, but am bothered by her lifestyle. It is what it is. I am sure everyone has a drama-filled family member. She is mine.

Oh and I would have to disagree that 3 marriages is alot. And already planning a 4th? I really feel her behavior is unacceptable. She is NOT divorced, nor filed for divorced and her husband still comes around. I just don't want this drama coming to my wedding. Perhaps I am a little harsh, and I appreciate everyone pointing that out. I will try to keep my judgements in check, but I guess it's hard when it's something that you see everyday. I guess opening it up to others helped me see a different perspective.

bablingbrooke · July 2010

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Some people get married a lot because they don't take their vows seriously and the marriage ends; others have a habit of picking the wrong mate. I'm willing to bet, though, that she doesn't marry these guys with the hope or belief that she will divorce them. I know no one here got married/is getting married thinking that they will get divorced someday, but the sad reality is that a fair percentage of us will. We just don't expect it to happen to us.

I just think it's unfair of you to sit here, a generation younger than this woman, and judge her for having had several failed marriages. That is frankly none of your business and it in no way reflects on you. I just really dislike it when people sit on their high horse and make moral judgments about the personal lives and intimate decisions of others. It frankly is a bit offensive. Dislike her lifestyle all you want, but you need to keep those thoughts to yourself.

marinabreeze · August 2010

Thanks for clearing up what your issue is with your aunt. I would agree with bablingbrooke, I don't think three marriages equals super shocking, especially in today's world. My late dad was married three times and his family judged him for it, but at the same time the only people that truly knew what was going in in the marriage was my dad and his wives (even though they all lived in the same neighborhood). He had bad luck to a degree, and he also wasn't perfect, but it didn't make him a bad person.

So just keep in mind that people do make mistakes, and no one is perfect. It would seem that your aunt needs a little grace and compassion, not judgment. Even if you all live on the same block, you still aren't in your aunt and uncle's marriage, and you only see what they let you see. Marriage takes work and it's not always meant to be easy. Your uncle was the one who gave up on the marriage for whatever reason, and even if he did have a reason to be happy, it doesn't justify cheating or having someone waiting in the wings, regardless of if your aunt might be a difficult person.

About the wedding, typically you invite people as a social unit. Regardless of the reason, your aunt and uncle are no longer together and therefore do not constitute their own social unit. Any rules you make in regards to which guests are or are not invited should be done in tiers and not to single out anyone in particular. If you choose to only have guests who are married, engaged, or are in long-term relationships (e.g. six months or more, or a year or more), that should be done across the board. But there's not really a (proper) way to specifically exclude your aunt's boyfriend. But like it's been said before (and I think you understand now), it won't be that big a deal when your wedding day arrives.

Lilou902 · August 2010

Thanks Brooke. I guess I don't need to share those feelings with others. But in my family we are pretty open with that type of thing.

Manwaithiel · August 2010

I am curious. If she specifically invited uncle and aunt, is it an issue if the aunt brings the boyfriend instead? I realize it's probably nothing to fret over, but etiquette wise, what's the right thing to do here?

Lilou902 · August 2010

Yes Marina, I did get that then and now. I suppose I have different thoughts on her because I know her. But it probably does sounds really bad with me talking like this. She has cheated on him before (but he doesn't know it) and they have been back and forth with divorce a number of times before.

I do understand that I don't see what goes on behind their closed doors. I am not judging her for her failed relationships, as it takes two to make/break a marriage, but I am being judgemental towards her actions now. I don't condone her behavior in any way, but she is a big girl and can make those decisions for herself. It won't be the end of the world if she brings this man to the wedding, I just think it's tacky.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

If by "in my family we are pretty open with that type of thing" you mean that your family may not normally hesitate in sharing their thoughts and opinions on the mistakes and decisions and judgment of other relatives, I would be the black sheep. Your aunt probably already knows everyone's feelings about her life, she doesn't need a reminder from you. Like pp said, she needs compassion and understanding from you. Her sex life is none of your business or anyone else's, and it's frankly wrong to sit in judgment on it since no one knows the details of the inner workings of another's marriage except the two people involved.

Remember to "Judge not, lest we be judged" and that "He who among us is without sin may cast the first stone."

Lilou902 · August 2010

Yes, Manwaithel, I suppose in a round about way that was what I was getting at in my original post. I should have just left out the back story and just asked the question!! I was just upset that I found out through a 3rd party. Either way it won't change, but that was kinda my point, that I hadn't invited him.

Lilou902 · August 2010

Those are wise words Brooke, and in a perfect world I would be that way. I promise I will work harder at that! You are right, and I do try to give her compassion as well. I do send her text messages to make sure she is ok, offer to have dinner with her or see a movie to take her mind of things etc. I am just angry and upset with her for a few reasons and just wish she could put her life together and find happiness. Perhaps my frustrations have turned into resentment for her lifestyle over the years. I have said before, that I work in mental health and it so much easier to feel empathy for those I work with, over someone I know very well sometimes. I suppose I hold her to a higher standard and that is unfair. Thanks for the words of reason.

Lisa8888 · August 2010

You are very judgmental. It isn't any of your business what your aunt does. If you don't like her, don't associate with her. But I think it is wrong for you to act like you like her to her face and then mouth off about her personal life style. Why shouldn't your aunt bring her SO with her? That is what people do.

Divorces and bringing new SO

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