19 days to go..2 BM dropping out?

Rachel5527 · April 2011

There are 2 girls I asked to be BM's back in sept/oct for our wedding on May 7. They both accepted and seemed excited.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I called David's to see who all had got their dress. The 4 other girls had, and these 2 (mother and 16yr old daughter) had not yet gotten theirs. There was alot going on lately with them (admitting the 16yr old to the hospital for suicide watch and substance abuse, purchasing a home, etc) so I figured that they just couldnt get by there, and mentioned that ANY black dress will be fine, I just wanted them there, same dress or not.

I asked her 2 weeks ago, if she thought that they would still be able to be in our wedding with everything going on, and she said "I'm not sure right now, we have alot on our plate right now and I don't know if we can swing it. We will have dinner one night and go over all of that"

Well as of today, I havent been able to get an answer out of her, or get her to come to dinner. I dont want her to feel like she HAS to do it, and told her I know she has SO much happening right now, that it's more important to take care of the daughter and make sure she's ok. I made it clear that it won't hurt our feelings at all if they need to back out, that of course we want them there, but its totally ok if they cant.

So with 19 days to go, and no answer, how do I go about finding out if they are still going to be BM in our wedding? I cant wait until the day of, where they either show up, or they dont.

AutumnFair · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_19-days-go2-bm-dropping-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:21afb2b5-fe2f-4d38-a3ba-37d73957fce4Post:eb8ce288-1db6-4885-b680-f2f3234f3b1b">19 days to go..2 BM dropping out?</a>:
[QUOTE]There are 2 girls I asked to be BM's back in sept/oct for our wedding on May 7. They both accepted and seemed excited. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I called David's to see who all had got their dress. The 4 other girls had, and these 2 (mother and 16yr old daughter) had not yet gotten theirs. There was alot going on lately with them (admitting the 16yr old to the hospital for suicide watch and substance abuse, purchasing a home, etc) so I figured that they just couldnt get by there, and mentioned that ANY black dress will be fine, I just wanted them there, same dress or not. I asked her 2 weeks ago, if she thought that they would still be able to be in our wedding with everything going on, and she said "I'm not sure right now, we have alot on our plate right now and I don't know if we can swing it. We will have dinner one night and go over all of that" Well as of today, I havent been able to get an answer out of her, or get her to come to dinner. I dont want her to feel like she HAS to do it, and told her I know she has SO much happening right now, that it's more important to take care of the daughter and make sure she's ok. I made it clear that it won't hurt our feelings at all if they need to back out, that of course we want them there, but its totally ok if they cant. So with 19 days to go, and no answer, how do I go about finding out if they are still going to be BM in our wedding? I cant wait until the day of, where they either show up, or they dont.
Posted by Rachel5527[/QUOTE]

<div>I know it is getting close, but when someone goes through a traumatic event such as their daughter trying to kill herself you just have to wait it out to the end. Basically, I would not bother them until the week of the wedding. Even if you do programs before then just realize that no one is going to care/notice about people missing so it is not worth stressing about. You already asked if they wanted to remain and you just need to leave it alone. Since you are letting them pick out any black dress, I would say they would know the week of your wedding if they are going to be able to make it. </div><div>
</div><div>Good luck to you and your friend.</div>

Rachel5527 · April 2011

On a side note..this is probably the 8th time in little over a year or so, that shes been admitted somewhere for drugs, suicide, mental things, etc..So its not like this is the first time. Granted, it still sucks for her family and I'm sure its not easy. But its something that happens about once a month..

I have already printed programs, not too worried about those. You're right Autumnfair..all I need to know is if they are showing up at 3 for pictures, and standing there with me at the ceremony I guess..Its just so frustrating to not know!

trix1223 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_19-days-go2-bm-dropping-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:21afb2b5-fe2f-4d38-a3ba-37d73957fce4Post:bc7a6bf1-78f6-432e-b42b-27e2589c3be3">Re: 19 days to go..2 BM dropping out?</a>:
[QUOTE]On a side note.<strong>.this is probably the 8th time in little over a year or so, that shes been admitted somewhere for drugs, suicide, mental things, etc..So its not like this is the first time. </strong>Granted, it still sucks for her family and I'm sure its not easy. But its something that happens about once a month.. I have already printed programs, not too worried about those. You're right Autumnfair..all I need to know is if they are showing up at 3 for pictures, and standing there with me at the ceremony I guess..Its just so frustrating to not know!
Posted by Rachel5527[/QUOTE]

Are you kidding me? This family is going through serious pain, worry, trauma, anxiety, heartache, and you're concerned about whether they'll show up for pictures at 3 pm?

How about getting your priorities in order. OF COURSE they can't think about your wedding right now.

And if they're not there for the pictures and ceremony, so what? You'll still be married at the end of it, and isn't that what this is about.

Your wedding is important to you, of course, but it doesn't hold a candle to what this family is going through.

But gosh, good luck you to. And better wishes and prayers going out to your friend who is living every parent's worst nightmare.

MairePoppy · April 2011

Rachel, the next time you call your friend, ask her how her daughter is doing. Don't call about your wedding. If you want to do something for them, make a casserole and drop it off, don't wait for that dinner date.

Trust me, the hospital admissions for drug abuse and suicide attempts do not get easier as they multiply. It gets harder because your worn out, stressed out and your feeling very helpless.

Add my thoughts and prayers for the mother and daughter to Trix's.

Good luck.

KateG528 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_19-days-go2-bm-dropping-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:21afb2b5-fe2f-4d38-a3ba-37d73957fce4Post:bc7a6bf1-78f6-432e-b42b-27e2589c3be3">Re: 19 days to go..2 BM dropping out?</a>:
[QUOTE]On a side note..<strong>this is probably the 8th time in little over a year or so, that shes been admitted somewhere for drugs, suicide, mental things, etc..So its not like this is the first time. Granted, it still sucks for her family and I'm sure its not easy. But its something that happens about once a month..</strong> I have already printed programs, not too worried about those. You're right Autumnfair..all I need to know is if they are showing up at 3 for pictures, and standing there with me at the ceremony I guess..Its just so frustrating to not know!
Posted by Rachel5527[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This girl obviously has some serious mental issues. I wouldnt be bothering her family about your wedding. I understand that your wedding is really important to you, but in the long run when you look back, you being there for your friend who's daughter is having a tough time in life. Just because it happens often does not make it any easier. I mean how bad would you feel about yourself as a parent if your child tried to kill herself like 8 times? Please just be there for your friends because a wedding is 1 day and your friendship could be much longer.</div>

jerseydevil · April 2011

You already gave them the option to wear any black dress. They know the time and place of your wedding, so if I were you I would just leave them be and see if they show up.

They do have a lot going on and regardless of how many times the daughter has gotten herself into trouble, it is stressful. I hope she is getting the help that she needs and that her family is pulling together and being supportive of each other.

misscyndikalene · April 2011

Honestly, I would leave it alone too until about a week or so. Even though the issues have happend lots of times, it doesnt mean it shouldnt be taken any less seriously. If I were you, I wouldn't be sure if I would want to push the subject with them anyways. I mean, how happy can a family be for you, and their attention fully on you, when this kind of stuff is going on. Maybe its better to give them their space and just focus on the ppl who are for sure a BM.

IMO: The further explaination of the girls suicide isnt really needed. It kind of makes you sound like you dont really take it seriously, even though you expressed that it still must suck for them.

blush64 · April 2011

Maybe you see things differently if you have kids but if one of mine was going through something like this the last thing on my mind would be someone's wedding. No matter if it's the first or 20th time. In fact, as it went on I would only be more worried if the next time would be final. I think the mother is doing the right thing by putting her daughter above everything else. As mentioned, it doesn't get easier if a child attempts suicide more often, it's an odd thing to say actually. It adds to the stress, the anxiety, the pain, the helplessness, and so on.

Like the other PP said, don't ask anymore about the wedding, offer support if they need it and accept whatever happens. Even if it means you don't know until the day of, try to be ok with it.

stephdonjon · April 2011

As others have said, they're going through a very difficult time right now, and it's understandable that your wedding is not their priority. I'm sure they don't mean to be noncommittal about it; I know that if it were me, I would feel terrible about not being able to give you a straight answer about the wedding either - it's a just a rough time for them and they probably feel like they'd be letting you down if they told you they could not come.

As hard as it may be, forget about the wedding stuff and try to be there for them as a friend and not a bride for the time being. If they don't show up on the wedding day, it's not the end of the world. Like pp has said, they know the date and time and they'll be there if they can make it.

19 days to go..2 BM dropping out?

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