Just Engaged- How to Deal with People Trying to Invite Themselves to My Wedding?

sjnsjnsjn · September 2009

This is my first post here, (just got engaged on Labor Day) and I'm a little confused... I never in my life tried to invite myself or anyone else to another person's wedding, but I've been engaged less than a month, and it's happened twice.First, my close childhood friend who will be one of my attendants called a few days ago to tell me her mother (who I haven't exchanged more than very casual greetings with since I was a child) wants to come to the wedding. I am guessing that's partly because she wants an excuse to fly to NYC, and my friend wants her to come because her mom will pay for their hotel room. My friend put it as "no pressure, buuuut ..." and was trying to talk me into it. My answer was "I don't know; we haven't made our list; weddings are expensive..." etc. But I am kind of p.o.'d that she has done this, and it's now out there.Second, a guy who is on the outer edge of my circle of friends - and kind of an unsavory character - asked me last night at a dinner party we were both at if he could come to the wedding. Seriously, he asked me about 5 times. I said basically the same stuff I said to my friend. Annoying.If I've gotten two of these in less than a month, I'm a little afraid at what we're in for. My fiance & I have no family money, will be paying for the whole thing ourselves, are probably going to have no more than 75 people, and are probably going to have to cut out of the list people we would love to have there, so we're definitely not inviting random people we don't care to have there. So strange.Has anyone else dealt with stuff like this, and if so, how? I need to have a good retort ready.

kelnyc · September 2009

You may get more of this, and you should be upfront and honest from the get-go. You already have your answer... you're keeping it small and are having only family and a few close friends. (And believe me, not having any outside money was a blessing because no one else had a right to tell us what to do!)But, that being said, you could always have an after-party or something at bar for the people who couldn't be at the wedding itself to join in the fun.

bcnoelle · October 2009

These people are rude and will one day hopefully realize that if/when they plan their own wedding (or when your friend's mom helps with her daughter). Don't feel too guilty! I would just say "Actually we are having a very small wedding due to budget reasons. We really wish we could invite everyone! If you would like to get to know my fiance better, we would really love to go out to lunch/dinner/grab a drink with you soon". I feel like most people who push an invite don't know the couple that well or else they would know that they were invited. If they want to be at the wedding for the right reasons, they will take you up on going out to eat.

noelle24 · October 2009

"We haven't finalized our guest list yet. Unfortunately, because of money (and/or space) constraints, we just can't invite everyone we'd love to have to the wedding."It's still early in the planning, so you can just try to laugh it off as "Oh, we haven't really thought about that yet!"However, with one of your attendants, presumably you are close enough to her to be more upfront. Not that you need to feel obligated to explain to her, but if she keeps pushing: I'd tell her that because you and your FI are paying for everything yourselves, that you are on a very tight budget. Therefore, you aren't going to be able to invite all of your own friends/extended family that you would like to, and that you just can't accomodate additional guests for everyone invited.

sjnsjnsjn · October 2009

Thanks, all, for the great advice. I think definitely sticking to my guns here, politely, sounds like the way to go.The only downside I've discovered of engagement (well, except that weddings in NYC apparently cost a small fortune) is that everyone else has an (unrequested) opinion about how you should do it!You ladies are great.Best,Sarah

merhou · October 2009

I know I'm a few days late in responding, but we had the same problem (and we live in San Francisco, so I totally get the small fortune issue and we, too, paid for everything). In fact, we had so many people either inviting themselves or presuming they were invited (mostly his out of state family) we nixed the "traditional" wedding altogether and moved the wedding to the opposite coast (Florida) and invited our parents siblings, my best friend, and his best friend. That allowed for an easy "sorry, family only" response :-)I know that may not help you and your situation - I suppose I was merely sympathizing. I like your response that you haven't worked on the list yet and budget constraints.

suz62984 · October 2009

Wow this is similar to what i've been dealing with. My fiance and I were both bartenders in a college town. There are a lot of people we know but would never invite to our wedding. I keep getting a lot of people who either ask to come a million times or tell me they are coming(?!?!) I've been telling people I am paying for it on my own so it will pretty much be just family. I wouldn't feel bad about it not inviting your attendant's mother. It is strange that she wants to come so badly but each person adds more money. As your friend your attendant should understand. Just explain to her that you have family that comes first on the list and that you can't fit her into the budget. Maybe even put her on a B-list so that you can invite her is someone RSVPs not attending.

Sparkles1985 · October 2009

Another knottie posted on this issue on the chit-chat board a few days ago, and I replied there, to I just figured I would copy and paste my response from there...I definitely understand! However, so far, only one person has actually said something to me, but I am in MI for school and all of our friends and family are back home in WI, so most haven't heard that we have actually set a date (although I am positive that we will get many more self-invites when we get back to WI for the holidays.)Anyways... I posted on my facebook status the other night that we had *finally* set a date (we've been engaged since Dec 24, 2008), and an old family friend messages me on FB Chat and says "Congratulations. The boys and I will be in WI then. I wouldn't miss it for anything."I replied "Thanks" when in reality I was thinking so myself, sorry but you aren't going to be invited.This person was a really close family friend for years, but moved from WI to AZ like 10+ ago, at least. I mean, we have only seen her like 2-3 times max since since she moved and we don't really talk to her or anything. So we really don't "know" her (if that makes sense) anymore. But she is the type of person to hold on to that old (very old) relationship, so I guess she just automatically figured she would be invited.I couldn't bring myself to tell her that she won't be getting an invite, but I figure I have plenty of time to figure it out before the time comes to actually send them out. But if she still doesn't get the hint, by plan is to tell her that it is going to be a small, intimate affair with just immediate family. I would pull the budget card and tell her we can't afford it, but I'm afraid that she would still not get the hint, or ask to pay for herself.Pretty much, for right now, my plan is just to nod and smile, that way there is no "But you said...!" to come back and bite me in the @$$ later! FH has also been instructed to not extend invites to people and to do the same!

crystalmweaver · April 2012

Just Engaged- How to Deal with People Trying to Invite Themselves to My Wedding?

Re: Just Engaged- How to Deal with People Trying to Invite Themselves to My Wedding?

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