Groom's family unsupportive

mccnatalie · July 2012

So the problem is simple. My future hubby's family has not bothered to meet me yet, except for his mom and dad. We have been together for almost three years and we announced we were getting married a year ago. The only family that is coming for the groom are his parents and I have a bunch of mine attending. He's such a sweet man and my family loves him and is so happy for the both of us..yet, his family has not congratulated us, bothered to contact us or even wish us the best, they have ignored our RSVP date, and have even gone as far to be rude to me. I just don’t know what to do since I can tell he is upset but isn’t willing to outwardly admit it …I can’t make them come to the wedding if they do not want to, but is it too much to expect at least a card or a call to congratulate him/us? I dont even expect a gift or money but just a "we wish you the best"..

PS: ….His parents have refused to help pay for the wedding at all, me and my hubby are paying for most of it and my parents have volunteered to go into debt to help us pay for the rest…so even though his parents are coming they have not supported him very much either.

aragx6 · July 2012

His parents are under no obligation to pay for your wedding -- that's what being a grown ass adult is about. I can't believe you'd even have the gall to ask them, much less judge them for not wanting to do something really fuucking stupid like go into debt over one day.

Some people just aren't that close with their family -- don't worry if his aunts and uncles aren't coming. It's no big deal.

J&K10910 · July 2012

1. Hubby = ick

2. What have you done to attempt to meet them? It's a two way street, dear.

3. Maybe they feel slighted because they thinkk you haven't bothered to try to meet them.

4. If you let your parents go into debt to fund your wedding, you're a terrible brat and I feel bad for your parents.

5. Support does not equal funding.

6. There's nothing you can do but support your "hubby" (ick)

J&K10910 · July 2012

Oh!

7. Maybe theyre acting the way they are because you asked them for money and then turned into a brat when they didn't want to (weren't able to?) help.

ootmother2 · July 2012

You're expecting people to RSVP over two months in advance?

aragx6 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b526e2f1-b7c2-4438-8633-6e376f6ba2d5Post:8db363df-4d5e-4c00-88e0-f07abc5ac937">Re: Groom's family unsupportive</a>:
[QUOTE]You're expecting people to RSVP over two months in advance?
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

Seriously. Her wedding is the day after mine and my invitations don't even go out until next week.

pokepoke27 · July 2012

Awww, diddums.

Seriously, if you let your parents go into debt for your wedding you're a horrible daughter and I hope you realise it before it's too late.

runpipparun · July 2012

If they haven't been supportive for the first two years, and they didn't make a big to-do when you got engaged, why would you be expecting a card now? So, yes, it is too much to expect that.

Did you ask them to help you pay? If yes, then, ouch. That was rude. You never ask. Also, I would never, NEVER, let my parents go into debt to pay for a wedding. That's... not good. Just because his folks aren't giving you monetary support doesn't mean they aren't being supportive. Maybe they don't have it. There are other ways of showing love than the showering of dollar bills.

Loopyseven · July 2012

JK hit all the nails on the head with this one.

mccnatalie · July 2012

I DID NOT EVER ASK THEM (HIS PARENTS OR FAMILY) FOR MONEY!!!! They told me it was my parent's responsibility to pay for us according to tradition and I simply said we'd pay for it on our own.

pokepoke27 · July 2012

If you're paying for it on your own then why are your parents going into debt for it instead of you?

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

Everyone else has hit all the points here but I just wanted to emphasize the debt thing. That really bothers me. It is nice of your parents to offer to help out (or did you ask them?) but how can you sit by and let them go into debt? If they were insistent on helping pay, you can bet I'd be cutting back on things they were paying for so they wouldn't have to. That is just foolish. It's one day.

And again, support =/= money. His parents are not obligated to pay and if they can't afford it, at least they are logical enough to not go into debt over it.

J&K10910 · July 2012

I like how the only point the OP picks out is the one about asking for money.

mccnatalie · July 2012

I did not ask anybody for money, not his or my parents. My father has volunteered to help us pay and I told him personally that I did not want him to, yet I cannot do anything to change his mind and he claims it is his responsibility to help and to consider it our wedding gift. Dont call me a brat or bad daughter because that isnt what this situation was about, and it is far from the truth.

IAll I wanted was some support for my hubby from his family because I have been blessed with a bunch from mine. AND YES the RSVP date is two months in advance because of our lifestyle and we have kindly offered to give everyone an extra month to RSVP if they needed it. You're all extremely rude and assume quite a bit of information without asking.

aragx6 · July 2012

If you didn't ask, how did they "refuse?"

Grammar is important.

aragx6 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b526e2f1-b7c2-4438-8633-6e376f6ba2d5Post:1ac6a112-b4af-4300-9bfe-9e4902d1a4cf">Re: Groom's family unsupportive</a>:
[QUOTE]I did not ask anybody for money, not his or my parents. My father has volunteered to help us pay and I told him personally that I did not want him to, yet I cannot do anything to change his mind and he claims it is his responsibility to help and to consider it our wedding gift. Dont call me a brat or bad daughter because that isnt what this situation was about, and it is far from the truth. IAll I wanted was some support for my hubby from his family because I have been blessed with a bunch from mine. AND YES the RSVP date is two months in advance <strong>because of our lifestyle</strong> and we have kindly offered to give everyone an extra month to RSVP if they needed it. You're all extremely rude and assume quite a bit of information without asking.
Posted by mccnatalie[/QUOTE]

What does this even mean?

J&K10910 · July 2012

Because of your "lifestyle"?

Tell me more.

pokepoke27 · July 2012

You're not a bad daughter? Could have fooled me. My father wanted to take out a payday loan to pay for my wedding dress. I absolutely refused to allow it. My mother offered to take out a loan to contribute towards other wedding expenses. Didn't happen. You know why? Because I impressed upon my parents that their financial well being meant more to me than a more expensive wedding dress or fancy extras at the reception. They knew how much it would hurt me to see them in debt for me, so they didn't do it. Don't you dare accept their money then sit there and talk about how you didn't ask them to and you didn't have any control over it. Because you do. You're just using that excuse so you can continue to be the self entitled little brat you are. I DGAF if you think I'm mean to a stranger on the internet. I think you are mean to your family. Which is worse, do you think?

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b526e2f1-b7c2-4438-8633-6e376f6ba2d5Post:1ac6a112-b4af-4300-9bfe-9e4902d1a4cf">Re: Groom's family unsupportive</a>:
[QUOTE]I did not ask anybody for money, not his or my parents. My father has volunteered to help us pay and I told him personally that I did not want him to, yet I cannot do anything to change his mind and he claims it is his responsibility to help and to consider it our wedding gift. Dont call me a brat or bad daughter because that isnt what this situation was about, and it is far from the truth. IAll I wanted was some support for my hubby from his family because I have been blessed with a bunch from mine. <strong>AND YES the RSVP date is two months in advance because of our lifestyle</strong> and we have kindly offered to give everyone an extra month to RSVP if they needed it. You're all extremely rude and assume quite a bit of information without asking.
Posted by mccnatalie[/QUOTE]

What does this mean? Also, if you're giving everyone one more month to RSVP, then the deadline isn't really for another month, correct? How did you word that on the RSVP cards?

We can only go off what you write in your post, so if there is extra pertinent information, then it's your job to include it. I would still tell my parents, "Mom and Dad, I don't want you going into debt over my wedding." if they insist on paying for something, then have them pay for something cheaper that won't put them into debt.

mari0225 · July 2012

Okay I get needing RSVP's early, a friend of mine needed there's super early due to a venue requirement and catering, but your lifestyle?

mccnatalie · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b526e2f1-b7c2-4438-8633-6e376f6ba2d5Post:0e215d65-3c34-4d8a-9493-6539bef0be12">Re: Groom's family unsupportive</a>:
[QUOTE]If you didn't ask, how did they "refuse?" Grammar is important.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

Because they brought it up on their own unprovoked

mccnatalie · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b526e2f1-b7c2-4438-8633-6e376f6ba2d5Post:92ccaf66-42df-40f6-bc4e-5e0892c2898d">Re: Groom's family unsupportive</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay I get needing RSVP's early, a friend of mine needed there's super early due to a venue requirement and catering, but your lifestyle?
Posted by mari0225[/QUOTE]

Yes by life style I mean I'm starting clinicals (med student) in the fall, my fiance works 6 out of 7 days of the week. And I wanted to make all the favors/centerpieces/decor/ etc by hand. I spent 3 months making invitations by hand.

J&K10910 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b526e2f1-b7c2-4438-8633-6e376f6ba2d5Post:9ed49b1f-600a-4e27-82b1-35bcd8866610">Re: Groom's family unsupportive</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's family unsupportive : Yes by life style I mean I'm starting clinicals (med student) in the fall, my fiance works 6 out of 7 days of the week. And I wanted to make all the favors/centerpieces/decor/ etc by hand. I spent 3 months making invitations by hand.
Posted by mccnatalie[/QUOTE]

I don't have any idea why any of this requires a 2 month RSVP date.

aragx6 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b526e2f1-b7c2-4438-8633-6e376f6ba2d5Post:9ed49b1f-600a-4e27-82b1-35bcd8866610">Re: Groom's family unsupportive</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's family unsupportive : Yes by life style I mean I'm starting clinicals (med student) in the fall, my fiance works 6 out of 7 days of the week. And I wanted to make all the favors/centerpieces/decor/ etc by hand. <strong>I spent 3 months making invitations by hand.
</strong>Posted by mccnatalie[/QUOTE]

Why? If you're so busy that you need to be a huge pain in the ass to your guests, maybe it's not a great time to be getting married. You have some odd priorities to say the least.

J&K10910 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b526e2f1-b7c2-4438-8633-6e376f6ba2d5Post:243edef5-1555-4a4b-b44a-cd4214323fb6">Re: Groom's family unsupportive</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's family unsupportive : This has nothing to do with your lifestyle. I don't think you know what that word means. How are your parents forcing you to take their money? <strong>Are they shoving hundies up your ass?</strong>
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Now THIS is a lifestyle.

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

Being busy doesn't mean you need an earlier RSVP date though. You only need final numbers usually a few weeks in advance to give to your venue/caterer. Being busy has nothing to do with that.

If you are busy, why would you handmake invitations? That doesn't make sense. As far as centerpieces, etc., you can probably figure out approx. how many people you think will come or a minimum. For instance we invited 170 people and I knew from talking to guests ahead of time, we would not have less than 100 show up. So i could've made enough centerpieces for that amount of tables and then when the rest of the RSVP's came in, make any more that you need.

mccnatalie · July 2012

I was making things by hand to save money and make things more special for everybody. And if you dont get why that "lifestyle" shows we are extremely limited in our time to make everything, then dont comment on this since you obviously do not understand. Its so I can make sure that all my guests have enough food/booze/favors/chairs to sit on/ and so on so I dont get why making an RSVP date a little early is such a bad thing.

aragx6 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b526e2f1-b7c2-4438-8633-6e376f6ba2d5Post:96594f4e-0898-48e6-a685-ab0aaff60c4e">Re: Groom's family unsupportive</a>:
[QUOTE]I was making things by hand to save money and make things more special for everybody. And if you dont get why that "lifestyle" shows we are extremely limited in our time to make everything, then dont comment on this since you obviously do not understand. Its so I can make sure that all my guests have enough food/booze/favors/chairs to sit on/ and so on <strong>so I dont get why making an RSVP date a little early is such a bad thing.
</strong>Posted by mccnatalie[/QUOTE]

FINE. Make it early. But then don't blame your guests for thinking you're ridiculous and not RSVPing in a timely manner because they don't know what their god damn plans are yet.

And it's not a little early. it's like 6 weeks early. That's a big deal. I'm starting to think it's clear that YOU'RE the reason things got off to a bad start with his family.

J&K10910 · July 2012

I would not be able to know for a fact that I was able to come to your wedding two months ahead of time.

aragx6 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b526e2f1-b7c2-4438-8633-6e376f6ba2d5Post:bbac2fa9-c36a-4256-883d-7f86cd09a0c6">Re: Groom's family unsupportive</a>:
[QUOTE]I would not be able to know for a fact that I was able to come to your wedding two months ahead of time.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

You'd think a future doctor would understand tha better than anyone!

pokepoke27 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-unsupportive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b526e2f1-b7c2-4438-8633-6e376f6ba2d5Post:96594f4e-0898-48e6-a685-ab0aaff60c4e">Re: Groom's family unsupportive</a>:
[QUOTE]I was making things by hand to save money and make things more special for everybody. And if you dont get why that "lifestyle" shows we are extremely limited in our time to make everything, then dont comment on this since you obviously do not understand. Its so I can make sure that all my guests have enough food/booze/favors/chairs to sit on/ and so on so I dont get why making an RSVP date a little early is such a bad thing.
Posted by mccnatalie[/QUOTE]

<div>If you are so busy, then don't make things by hand. Very simple. Why don't you understand?</div><div>
</div><div>And because not everyone knows their schedule so far in advance. Expect to be chasing up RSVPs forever. Oh wait, you don't have time, you'll just have to guess. </div>

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