Best man situation- opinions please

nbcarlson · July 2010

I am wondering if I am overreacting or not and I need some opinions...

So my fiances brother is going to be his best man but then the other day he told us that his ten year high school reunion is the same weekend as our wedding. He is leaving the wednesday before our wedding and will be making the 6 hour drive home on the day of our wedding. Not only is he missing the rehersal and the rehersal dinner but he will be back in time to basically put his tux on and walk down the aisle.

On top of all of this he said he plans on getting crazy and wasted on friday, the night before our wedding, so this worries me that he will not make it home in time for our ceremony. Not to mention he won't be there for my fiance at all on one of the biggest days of his life and it is his brother.

I know this is long and I know that a high school reunion is a BIG deal I just need some opinions! Thanks!

gottahavashorti · July 2010

The rehearsal is the only place he's required to be. BIL missed both DH's graduation and the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner to study, but he made it to the wedding. And actually, one of my friends drove probably 4 hours the morning of our wedding after working the night before and made it to the venue as early as I did.

Unless your FBIL has a tendency to flake out when he's been drinking the day before, it will probably be okay. If you're doing pictures beforehand, probably the worst that will happen is that he'd be a little late for pictures.

tidetravel · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_man-situation-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b7beafcc-491a-4c98-adbd-e9d0c07a39c7Post:a993e284-4ee5-47e5-83df-5d3937cc5772">Best man situation- opinions please</a>:
[QUOTE]I am wondering if I am overreacting or not and I need some opinions... So my fiances brother is going to be his best man but then the other day he told us that his ten year high school reunion is the same weekend as our wedding. He is leaving the wednesday before our wedding and will be making the 6 hour drive home on the day of our wedding. Not only is he missing the rehersal and the rehersal dinner but he will be back in time to basically put his tux on and walk down the aisle. On top of all of this he said he plans on getting crazy and wasted on friday, the night before our wedding, so this worries me that he will not make it home in time for our ceremony. Not to mention he won't be there for my fiance at all on one of the biggest days of his life and it is his brother. I know this is long and I know that a high school reunion is a BIG deal I just need some opinions! Thanks!
Posted by nbcarlson[/QUOTE]
Yes, he will. He already said that he plans on being there for the wedding - which is the important part, BTW. It's perfectly acceptable to want to attend both events, if they're both important to him. You're overreacting.

tldh · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_man-situation-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b7beafcc-491a-4c98-adbd-e9d0c07a39c7Post:a993e284-4ee5-47e5-83df-5d3937cc5772">Best man situation- opinions please</a>:
[QUOTE]I am wondering if I am overreacting or not and I need some opinions... So my fiances brother is going to be his best man but then the other day he told us that his ten year high school reunion is the same weekend as our wedding. He is leaving the wednesday before our wedding and will be making the 6 hour drive home on the day of our wedding. Not only is he missing the rehersal and the rehersal dinner but he will be back in time to basically put his tux on and walk down the aisle. On top of all of this he said he plans on getting crazy and wasted on friday, the night before our wedding, so this worries me that he will not make it home in time for our ceremony. Not to mention he won't be there for my fiance at all on one of the biggest days of his life and it is his brother. I know this is long and I know that a high school reunion is a BIG deal I just need some opinions! Thanks!
Posted by nbcarlson[/QUOTE]

1. A six hour drive really isn't too long. I used to make this long of a drive for my previous job on a weekly basis, sometimes twice a week.

2. If you and FI are worried that he won't make it back in time because of a hangover, then I would have FI raise this issue with him. He may be romanticizing a high school reunion. None of mine had that kind of partying going on because a lot of people were going to have little kids waking them up the next morning.

3. He will be there on the wedding day. Most people have been to weddings and know what their job is. A friend of mine who is in the wedding won't be getting into town until after the RD. It didn't phase me because he is an intelligent man who will know what to do.

AdeleDazeem · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_man-situation-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b7beafcc-491a-4c98-adbd-e9d0c07a39c7Post:3c41b1d9-82e7-49e2-b15d-8516ab3a6017">Re: Best man situation- opinions please</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Best man situation- opinions please If you and FI are worried that he won't make it back in time because of a hangover, then I would have FI raise this issue with him. He may be romanticizing a high school reunion. None of mine had that kind of partying going on because a lot of people were going to have little kids waking them up the next morning. 3. He will be there on the wedding day. Most people have been to weddings and know what their job is. A friend of mine who is in the wedding won't be getting into town until after the RD. It didn't phase me because he is an intelligent man who will know what to do.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. I went to my 10 year high school reunion - and I will never go to another reunion again. Sure, it was fun, but I got bored rather quickly. There is a reason why I'm not super close friends with a lot of those people anymore.

If he promises to be there, you're going to have to trust him. If he's old enough to have a ten year reunion, he must be at least 27 or 28, which is old enough to realize the importance of weddings.

janedoe1113a · July 2010

Not your problem at all. Let your FI deal with it.

But you're making a big over nothing. He doesn't need to be there for the rehearsal. I'm sure he can figure out how to walk down an aisle. Half of our wedding party didn't attend the rehearsal and they all figured it out.

As long as he'll be there for the wedding ceremony, that is what matters.

mbcdefg · July 2010

You're phrasing the question in a way that MAKES us have to give a certain answer. Because you know that if you ask someone if a reunion or a sibling's wedding is the more important thing, only a real scumbag would answer that the reunion is more important, so you've purpously put yourself in a position where people are going to automatically agree with you.

Plus, your poll question ("Is a reunion or a sibling's wedding more important?") has nothing to do with the situation. Your FI asked his brother to come to the ceremony and stand as his Best Man, and it sounds like the brother is going to do just that. So he's fulfilling his promise to you. If he thought the reunion was more important, he'd decline being in your wedding and he'd spend all his time at the reunion. Just because you're getting married doesn't mean that everyone involved should have to give up other things they want to do in the same weekend.

And as for him "not being there" for your FI on the "biggest day of his life" ... he WILL be there for him. AT THE WEDDING. The day before is not the important thing. The rehearsal is not the important thing. Him being perfectly sober and being glued to your FI's side at all times is not the important thing. The CEREMONY is the important thing. The preparations are just preparations, and the reception is the party. The ceremony IS the actual wedding. One should not need moral support to get through a rehearsal dinner.

This isn't a case of him picking a reunion over your wedding. He's coming to the wedding, isn't he? You may not like that he's not devoting his entire weekend to your wedding, but that's not your decision. Maybe he has friends at this reunion that he hasn't seen in a very long time, or a lost love, or network connections that could help his career. Even if he's just going so he can get laid and plastered, that's none of your business.

I know you're upset that he's cutting it close in terms of the timeline, but to take a poll about a reunion vs. a sibling's wedding being more important to the general public is being really overdramatic.

aerinpegadrak · July 2010

It sounds like he's pretty confident of being able to attend both events. Reunion doesn't trump wedding, but it does trump rehearsal dinner, and that's the real conflict in question.

If your FI is worried that his brother won't make it in time, perhaps he can enlist one of BM's friends to make sure he's awake and on the road in time. But honestly, this is between your FI and his brother. It's an A/B situation, and you need to C your way out of it.

suz62984 · July 2010

While I do think it is crappy that he is cutting it close by coming back within the hour that his brother gets married, you have to trust that he is a grown up and will be responsible enough to come back in time. Is this something that is bothering your FI or just you?

CTGirl30 · July 2010

Is your FI worried about this or just you?

His brother will be there on the wedding day - even if he does have to cut it close. THAT is the most important of all the pre-wedding events.

Heck, on our wedding day my DH's parents were 10-15 minutes late! The ceremony was delayed...nobody minded. They listened to the musicans playing and relaxed and when things started, a beautiful day was underway. Nothing mattered to me more than seeing my husband waiting for me at the end of the aisle when the chapel doors opened. So even if the brother is a few minutes late, the world won't end. He said he'd be there - all you can do is trust he'll be there.

If your FI is worried about it, he can find a way to handle it with his brother and if he's not concerned, then you don't need to be, either.

trix1223 · July 2010

One of my DD's BM's couldn't make the rehearsal because of a new job. She couldn't make the morning of the wedding "festivities" (hair, breakfast, etc.) either. She rolled in about 90 minutes before the wedding.

Amazingly, she managed to figure out how to walk the straight line from the top of the aisle to the front. And she was able to figure out how to stand for the ceremony and then walk back out again.

Would it be nice if your FBIL would be there for the rehearsal? Sure. But is it the end of the world, and will it ruin you and your FI's wedding if he's not? Nope.

Good luck.

stina93446 · July 2010

Worry about this when it's ACTUALLY a problem. You're making yourself worry over a "what if?" Wait until he screws up. As the groom's brother, I am almost positive that he'll be super embarrassed and mad at himself if he is late or misses the wedding.

jenn.daniel · July 2010

Missing the rehearsal isn't that big of a deal. I would worry about him arriving on time, since 6 hours can turn into 8 if there's an accident on the highway. Have your FI ask him to leave a little earlier in the morning, just in case.

bablingbrooke · July 2010

Three of my BMs and two of DH's GM couldn't make it to the rehearsal--it was at 2 pm on a Thursday (thanks MIL!), though one BM made it to the RD (her flight was delayed and she missed the rehearsal itself). The other BMs drove up the morning of the wedding and the GM flew in two hours before pictures started. It was disappointing at first but not a big deal. They figured out what to do and were there when it mattered--the wedding day itself.

There is nothing for you to worry about and you shouldn't say anything. This is for your FI to say something about. You saying/doing anything will only emasculate your FI to his friends and make you look hyper controlling. Even if you're not--I'm talking about perception here. And that perception won't necessarily evaporate after the wedding.

Do people still go to HS reunions? My class is thinking of skipping our 10 year since we're all friends on FB so everyone knows what's happened to everyone else.

bablingbrooke · July 2010

Also, it's not fair of you to phrase it as, "Which is more important: a reunion or our wedding?" He didn't schedule either event. He has two things he really wants to be a part of and is doing his best to make them both. Cut him some slack; he didn't do anything wrong here.

trix1223 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_man-situation-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b7beafcc-491a-4c98-adbd-e9d0c07a39c7Post:88554db2-2f7a-4b04-aa68-795f2b65678a">Re: Best man situation- opinions please</a>:
[QUOTE]Three of my BMs and two of DH's GM couldn't make it to the rehearsal--it was at 2 pm on a Thursday (thanks MIL!), though one BM made it to the RD (her flight was delayed and she missed the rehearsal itself). The other BMs drove up the morning of the wedding and the GM flew in two hours before pictures started. It was disappointing at first but not a big deal. They figured out what to do and were there when it mattered--the wedding day itself. There is nothing for you to worry about and you shouldn't say anything. This is for your FI to say something about. You saying/doing anything will only emasculate your FI to his friends and make you look hyper controlling. Even if you're not--I'm talking about perception here. And that perception won't necessarily evaporate after the wedding. Do people still go to HS reunions? My class is thinking of skipping our 10 year since we're all friends on FB so everyone knows what's happened to everyone else.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

Brooke, a friend of mine and I were just talking about this. Her son was Sr. class president in HS, and my son was class VP. We were wondering if they'd be planning a reunion, and they said there was no need to because today's technology kept everyone interested up to date on classmate's lives.

One of my son's closest HS friends was a year ahead of him in school, and his class tried to organize a reunion. In that case as well, I think he said about 7 people responded~all people he still sees anyway. So he was hard pressed to spend a lot on $$ to see people that he sees all the time anyway.

I think class reunions are going to become a thing of the past before too long.

LD1970 · July 2010

I can't vote in your poll because it's irrelevant to your issue. As long as he makes it in time to put on the tux and get down the aisle, he's doing his job. He really doesn't need to go to the rehearsal (I've been in many weddings and only one had a rehearsal at all, and no one fell or trampled each other). It'll be FINE. Seriously, don't stress it.

banana468 · July 2010

Let your FI feel him out on this one.

If he isn't there, your BIL is the one looking bad. If he says he'll be there, you need to trust him.

Plenty of people get wasted the night before weddings. At our friends' wedding, the groom was wasted the night before and he was jumping around at his reception.

nbcarlson · July 2010

Thanks everyone! I have never been in a wedding so I thought the rehersal was a really big deal but apparently not. Sorry about the poll I see now what you guys mean about how I worded it! And just so everyone knows my fi is worried about it. But I guess I will let him know what you guys said and we will hope for the best. Thanks guys!

banana468 · July 2010

You're welcome (at least from me).

The rehearsal isn't a small detail. But it's not like he can't figure the things out that he needs to know on the day of.

If I were your FI, all I'd say is, "Dude, please just be OK enough to make it through the ceremony." Hopefully at his age (DH and I were married a year by the time we were out of HS for ten years) he's aware that he has a family commitment. BUT, it's the BM who looks like a turd if he doesn't make it.

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