Big Family Issues - Do I Just Let It Go?

bellajgw · March 2010

My fiance's brother is a huge jerk, always has been and always will be. She helped raise his son and now that she's come out and we are getting married he has been doing everything to show that we are not welcomed in his home, family, etc. without actually saying growing a set and saying it.

His wife has been playing cordial and we love their kids and asked if the kids could be ring bearer and flower girl and they said yes. All has been quiet until two weeks ago (we get married in 45 days) when my fiance visited her parents to find out that her brother told THEM that he doesn't want the kids in the wedding. He gave a ridiculous and totally bogus reason (7 yo son will look stupid in a tux). My fiance called her older sister to vent her frustrations to hear that her brother's wife has been bad mouthing us to the whole family (which answers the question of why none of them have rsvped yet).

We contacted them the only way we could as they are now not answering their phones, via e-mail, and asked very politely what was happening and if the kids were going to be in the wedding. We got a cold response saying they decided NOT to have the kids in the wedding, no reason, just a flat rejection.

Now they have rsvped to the wedding that they will be coming.

I'm beyond furious, my parents are furious for us. I have been putting up with their snubs and their backhanded insults for 4 years and it is tearing my fiance apart. Her family is supportive of us but refuses to call her brother on his behavior for fear of losing their grandkids (brother has threatened to withhold the kids if they ever tick him off). Meanwhile they haven't seen the kids in 2 years because her brother wants nothing, except inheritance rights, to do with his family.

My fiance wants to let them come and try to be cordial about it as she wants to be as much a part of her niece and nephew's lives as possible but her brother is already turning them against her so my feeling is to put her foot down now, with the wedding. Say she's had enough and we don't deserve to be treated like this any longer and let that be the end of it.

I know how hard it will be, I had a horrible and abusive father and when I sent him out of my life I lost 5 siblings because of it but I had to do it for my own sanity, heart, and to get some peace after 20 years of heartbreak. I see it all happening to my fiance and I'm so tired of being supportive as she sobs over her brother's terrible behavior and her lost niece and nephew. I want to demand that he be refused, I want her parents to put their foot down, but I also don't want to be the bad guy in this.

What do I do? Do I keep my mouth shut and let this jerk come to my wedding knowing that I'll be fuming about his presence but at least she will be happy? Do I put my foot down and refuse to let them come and be the bad guy? Or am I just screwed?

daniec · March 2010

I think you have to support your fiancee on what decision is comfortable to her. I know it probably hurts for you to stand by and watch her go through this. She has to be the one to decide when enough is enough.

From my own experience, I knew that certain family members were major jerks. It didn't help me feel better to have my fiancee spell it out to me. My family is a reflection of me (I thought at the time). I do vent to her and tell her I don't want a solution. I wanted to express how I felt without a resolution.

When it's your immediate family, it takes time to figure out how to move forward. It seems she is really close to her neice and nephew which makes it harder.

Support your fiancee and let her figure out what she can live with for your wedding.

I hope that helps. I know how hard a situation this can be.

2dBride · March 2010

I would agree with the PP that your fiancee has to be the one to make that call. It may in the end turn out that she has to break off contact with her brother, and thus lose contact with his children. However, it is her family, and if she ends up breaking contact with them, she needs to know she tried every other alternative first.

And I say this from tough experience. My wife has lost all contact with her family, because her mother is a jerk and everyone else in the family feels the need to tell her mother everything. I have been luckier. Although I have had no contact with my mother in years, I have managed to maintain contact with the rest of my family. One solution does not fit everyone, and your fiancee needs to find out what works for her.

You have my sympathy, though. No matter how necessary, it is agonizing to watch a loved one try to resolve a situation which you feel is only harmful to her.

JCKG04 · March 2010

I agree with the previous posters. You really have to support whatever your fiance wants in this situation. Dealing with family can be tough...hopefully it will all work out and your fiancés brother will at least be on good behavior at the wedding.

But definitely be supportive of one another in this situation. The last thing you want it to do is come between you and your fiance, if your fiance feels you might not support her decision.

mastewar · March 2010

Unfortunately, I disagree with PP. I understand that your fiance wants to have her family present at the wedding. I also understand that she is dealing with seriously difficult family dynamics. You need to be supportive of her during this difficult time and help her deal with how her family is treating her. But...

This is your wedding too! I don't think that it is right to ask anyone to have guests at their wedding who are clearly hostile and antagonistic. It's one thing if he didn't like you but was still being respectful. Then it would just be a situation grinning and ignoring him. But with the way that he's treating you I don't feel that he should be at the wedding. My concern would be that everything on the wedding day would end up being about him and how he is reacting to the whole wedding. You should be able to enjoy your special day. Not only that but your fiance should be able to enjoy herself. As much as she wants her nice and nephew there, if he's there I don't think that she'll be able to enjoy herself. In the end - I think if he's there the wedding will be about him and not you two and your love.

bellajgw · April 2010

Thank you guys for the advice. Against my better judgement I have let this go and according to the lack of ANY communication from them we are assuming the four of them will be at the wedding.

Cut to today, 11 days until our wedding and they are ignoring phone calls, e-mails, and have suspiciously become suddenly absent from even their Facebook pages. We all feel that they will find some bizarre reason to not show up. My fiance thinks he won't even bother to show or give an excuse which will clinch the deal for me. Oh, and for our bridal shower they sent a bathroom set (soap dish, toothbrush holder, etc) and EVERY piece was cracked or chipped.

I hate to think of what will happen if they bail on us. Its four people we'll have paid for, but worse than that it will be four people obviously abscent from my fiance's parents' table. I think it will humiliate them and ruin the wedding for them. Should I come up with an alternative seating arrangement that one of our ushers could move some seats around so they at least have a few more people sitting with them?? None of my fiance's family showed up at our bridal shower and her mom and sister were at a huge table by themselves and I felt so bad that I insisted that we leave our special table and insisted that we and my mother sit with them so they wouldn't be alone. I don't want it to be the same for the wedding.

The problem is that we don't really have anyone else we could sit with them that would be close family and be appropriate. I suppose we could put the best man, his guest, and his mom at the table but that would leave another table conspicuously empty....URG!!!!

I guess my question then becomes, barring serious medical emergency or death in the family, am I in my right to demand that they be cut out completely? My rage says to send them a bill for their meals but I don't think my common sense would allow me. If they bail on us, humiliate her parents and diss us in front of our friends and family on our special and important day do I then have the right to say enough is enough???

Tlizerz · July 2010

I know it's been a while since this was last posted on, but I'm hoping you put your foot down on the situation. These people were obviously out to do nothing but hurt you and your partner, no matter who got hit along the way. If you're still checking up on this, could you let us know how it went? I really hope the two of you ended up having a wonderful wedding.

mcleodvidal · August 2010

Hello,

I also wanted to know what ended up happening with you fiance's family. I hope you were able to have a great wedding day. Please let us know if you can.

Big Family Issues - Do I Just Let It Go?

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