MOH sister vs. best friend

blueeyedgirl16 · May 2010

I am not sure what to do about my MOH.

My sister and I are very close, and I would love her to be my MOH, the only problem is that she is only 17 and she hates giving speeches. That means that not only will my mother probably not allow her to come to my bachelorette party (my parents are strict) but she will be incredibly nervous about giving a speech at the wedding.

My best friend, on the other hand, is my age (25) and is an actress. She loves attention/speeches.

I know it is my wedding and I can really do whatever I want, but do you think either of them will feel slighted if I ask my sister to be my MOH and my best friend to be a BM, and to help me plan the bachelorette party/give a speech at my wedding?

aerinpegadrak · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-sister-vs-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a245d2f5-7d90-42c5-94f1-1cae3d5de3cePost:c37b1be0-72a1-44d4-8e25-dd7d15352f70">MOH sister vs. best friend</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not sure what to do about my MOH. My sister and I are very close, and I would love her to be my MOH, the only problem is that she is only 17 and she hates giving speeches. That means that not only will my mother probably not allow her to come to my bachelorette party (my parents are strict) but she will be incredibly nervous about giving a speech at the wedding. My best friend, on the other hand, is my age (25) and is an actress. She loves attention/speeches. I know it is my wedding and I can really do whatever I want, but do you think either of them will feel slighted if I ask my sister to be my MOH and my best friend to be a BM, and to help me plan the bachelorette party/give a speech at my wedding?
Posted by blueeyedgirl16[/QUOTE]
First off, you don't have any say in planning your own bachelorette party, period. Asking someone to throw you a party is the height of rudeness. Secondly, anyone who wants to can plan the bachelorette party or give a toast at the wedding, these are not automatic duties of the MOH.

All that your bridesmaids are required to do is show up, reasonably sober and on time, in the selected dress, stand politely during the ceremony, and smile for pictures. Additionally, the MOH holds your bouquet, fluffs your train, signs the license (though anyone can do this), and may choose to give a toast.

Your BMs are simply supposed to be your closest friend, and your MOH is supposed to be the closest of all. If you can't decide between the two, you can have co-MsOH, or not designate an MOH at all. But don't make the decision based on who can do the most stuff for you, that's really shallow.

zitiqueen · May 2010

The maid of honor isn't required to give a speech at the reception.

blueeyedgirl16 · May 2010

Wow. I think you got the wrong idea from my post.

In my family/friend group, the MOH always plans the bachelorette party and gives a speech. I just didn't want to hurt my best friends feelings, or my sisters. My best friend has always assumed she would plan my party, I just didn't want to be rude by not making her my MOH.

This was my first post here, and it would have been nice to get a warmer welcome, not be accused of being both rude and shallow.

jagore08 · May 2010

Why not have both of them as your MOH? Tell them that they are not obligated to give a speech or plan a bachelorette party but if they want to you wouldn't say no. This way they can both have the honor and if your sister doesn't feel comfortable speaking in front of a room a of people then she doesn't have to.

trix1223 · May 2010

You've made some decisions based on past practice or what you've been led to believe by wedding websites or magazines, and neither need to be etched in stone.

Your MOH doesn't have to give a speech at the reception. My DIL's MOH was her dearest friend who also abhors being in the spotlight EVER. So there was no MOH speech. And it was just fine. Honestly, can you imagine any guest ever whining about there not being enough speeches to sit through?

So either have no MOH speech, or let your friend who enjoys the limelight give the speech. That problem's solved.

Now: B-parties don't have to be alcohol-fueled raunch-fests.

Again~My DIL's B-party was a very fun Saturday morning at a "make your own designer handbag" place. It's a working manufacturing place that opens for private parties on Saturdays. They allowed the girls to choose fabric, style, and then taught them how to cut and sew the bags and they did the fine finishing work. Each girls walked out with a one-of-a-kind handbag. Then they all went for a lovely lunch at a restaurant down the street.

DD's B-party was to Medieval Times.

Your sister can certainly plan a fun party without involving alcohol or raunchy. Have a spa day. Go to a concert. Go to a sporting event. Stay in and have a slumber party with chick-flicks, popcorn, and pizza. Have a luncheon. Have dinner at a nice restaurant. Go hiking. Go canoeing or rafting. Go to an amusement park.

If you must do a bar crawl kind of thing, have dinner first so your sister can be there, and then drop her off and continue the party.

But she doesn't HAVE to be left out.

Bottom line: Choose your MOH based on who you envision standing next to you and holding your bouquet while you're holding your FI's hands during the ceremony. Don't base it on who can do what for you. GL

AdeleDazeem · May 2010

OP - I get what you are saying, but these ladies are trying to tell you that you are thinking about the position incorrectly. You shouldn't be picking you MOH based on who can give a better speech and who can plan the bachelorette party.

Your MOH is the person closest to you. The end.

If both your sister and your best friend are close to you, then make them both MOHs. Or both BMs. Or, if you truly feel closer to one over the other, then there's your choice.

And, for what it's worth, I am the MOH in my sister's upcoming wedding. She asked if I'd like to make a speech and respectfully declined. I know it's "tradition" but I wanted no part of it. Had she made me a BM because of that decision, I would have been heartbroken.

mbcdefg · May 2010

Most people will say that it's "traditional" for the MOH to throw the bachelorette and/or give the toast.

However, it's never REQUIRED. Someone is not automatically ineligible to be the MOH because she can't plan/attend a part or would be too embarrassed to give a toast. And even if it's common in your circle that the MOH throws the bachelorette, it is never polite or proper for the bride to ask for a party, or assign someone else to throw it.

If your sister is your dearest friend, I would ask her to be the Maid of Honor. If you need someone age 18+ to sign the license as a witness, ask the other bridesmaid to step in and do it. If she says that she'd like to give a toast, that's great. If you want co-Maids of Honor because you're equally close to the two of them, then that is also fine ... but it seems like you were considering the friend to be the Maid of Honor because she'd be the most willing to give a toast and plan a party (which is the wrong reason to ask someone to be MOH).

As for the bachelorette party, stay out of it and see what happens. I am betting that someone else will step in and throw it. But don't ask for it and don't assign it. And if you don't happen to get one, then that stinks but them's the breaks ... brides are not owed a shower or a bachelorette. Just stay out of the planning and take things as they come.

I don't think the friend would at all feel slighted if you asked your sister to be MOH. People understand that family comes first. I don't even think it's a bad thing to ask the friend if she'd like to give a toast. I DO, however, think that most people would find it very rude if you asked them to throw a party for you, so no matter what happens do not ask someone to throw the bachelorette.

MairePoppy · May 2010

You could have 2 MsOH. Ask if either would like to volunteer to make a speech, I'm sure the friend will step up, since she enjoys that sort of thing. Have your sister hold your flowers at the ceremony and sign the marriage license.

If someone volunteers to throw a bachelorette party, just remind them that your sister in under age. They should tone down the party for part of the evening so she can attend.

Please read the sticky note at the top of the page, written by Banana. After you've read some of the other posts and responses,on various boards, you will see that these responses weren't so harsh. You could also check out the CT board. You'll find it under Local Boards.

Good luck with your planning.

Panda2011 · May 2010

Co maids is the way to go!!! I can't choose between my two bests so I pick both. You can always have your sis stand closest to you in the line-up. One can hold boquet and one can do your train. Good luck!

silverbeltgirl · May 2010

Hey there.

I think you can have two MOH. My Fiance is having 2 best men. If your sister doesn't want to give a speech, she doesn't have to. Ask your BFF to do it - or even have her give the speech and your sister add a few remarks at the end. Don't feel like you have to follow "wedding rules." I am having my MOH give a speech, but also asking my older brother since my MOH has only known me for the last 5 years or so. If you don't know what to do, ask your sister and BFF. They will help you figure it out.

Also, I don't think it's wrong to ask someone to help throw a party. I asked my sister in Law to throw my bridal shower (since my MOH is running across america right now!!! MSRuntheUS.com) so needless to say, she is super busy. but I knew that and still wanted to give her that honor. I did, however, tell my SIL that I would pay for the shower. She and my other BM refused to let me do that, but since I asked for her help, I didnt' mind fronting the costs.

Hope you figure it out!

mbcdefg · May 2010

How is it an honor to tell someone that you want them to throw you a party?

darkling_glory · May 2010

I asked my sister to be my maid of honor and my best friend to be my matron of honor. Done and done! When my best friend got married a couple years ago, I was co-maids of honor with another gal. It worked out beautifully.

Try not to stress!

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