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jewels_3_03 · February 2010

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MairePoppy · February 2010

Jewels, sorry to have to break this to you, but the BMs are not obliged to pay for your shower. Sure, it's nice if everyone chips in, but that is strictly voluntary. If your sisters are willing to throw a shower for you, they should scale it back to something they can afford.
There's is no way to say anything to them about this without sounding like a bridezilla.

AutumnFair · February 2010

First, you need to STAY OUT OF IT! Showers are gifts and they are NOT required by BMs. Second, who organized this shower? Whoever it is needs to own up on the expenses because it sounds like they didn't ask the 2 BMs what they could afford or if they even want to co-host. I have been in a number of weddings and $125-150 is quite a lot to me when it comes to hosting a shower and maybe its the same with the other BMs. It doesn't matter how long they knew, they only need to buy their dress and whatever else they request to do be it showers, bach parties, helping the bride is just icing on the cake.

jewels_3_03 · February 2010

unfortunately i have read magazines and books and in all of them it says that the shower IS a BM responsibility!?? is all the literature im reading all wrong? all the wedding planning stuff... all wrong? i am a traditional person and that i have been reading about who pays for what and a shower has been under the BM list in all that i have read! what the heck?? now im extremely confused.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaids-complaining-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7cb8ae82-940a-4646-a952-cc8246da07daPost:5a4581be-056b-44a0-bd12-a6374de7f01b">Re: bridesmaids complaining about shower</a>:
[QUOTE]unfortunately i have read magazines and books and in all of them it says that the shower IS a BM responsibility!?? is all the literature im reading all wrong? all the wedding planning stuff... all wrong? i am a traditional person and that i have been reading about who pays for what and a shower has been under the BM list in all that i have read! what the heck?? now im extremely confused.
Posted by jewels_3_03[/QUOTE]

<div>All those magazines and books are designed to make you and your BMs pay more for everything. Ignore them. They are "etiquette" books written by self-interested parties. Read Emily Post, the first and last word on the subject: A shower is a <strong>gift</strong>, not an <strong>obligation</strong>.</div><div>
</div><div>You erred by assigning a shower and a cost for the BMs. That was not your call. Apologize and hopefully you'll still get something. But since when is it okay for anyone to say to her friends "You have to throw me a party and it's going to be for this many people and cost this much"? </div>

bablingbrooke · February 2010

Also, my BMs didn't throw my shower. My aunts did. Somehow I survived!

MairePoppy · February 2010

From Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette " Don’t coerce anyone—especially bridesmaids—to host a shower. It’s a financial burden that many aren’t able to take on."

MOBinFL2008 · February 2010

Jewels, it is in no way an obligation of the BM to throw a shower for the bride. If they choose to throw one, and they all agree on an amount to spend up front, that great. But you have to understand that it is not something they must do. Were they even consulted about how much they were willing to spend before the wheels were put into motion for a shower in a hotel?

FWIW, when my daughter was married, her aunts gave her shower. They felt that the BMs had enough expenses with buying the dress and travel expenses from OOT.

A shower ideally should be small and intimate. Just the closest family and friends. Why doesn't your sister offer to host it at her home? Then each bridesmaid could just bring a food item or two and it would be much less expensive for them.

duckie1905 · February 2010

Just because $150 isn't a lot to you doesn't mean it isn't a lot to them. Think of what they are potentially paying for on top of that. Dress, shoes, jewelry, hair, makeup, transportation, hotel, gifts for the shower and the wedding, bach party and I'm sure a ton of other things on top of that. They are more than likely spending a lot of money on your wedding and that is something you should be grateful for. You should be saying "thank you" not "spend more on me!"

Despite what you have read, a shower is not a obligation of the BMs, especially if it is going to cause unnecessary financial strain. Why would you want to put your friends out like that?

So, get over yourself and your idea of "traditional" weddings because your misguided views are going to ruin your friendships.

Not to mention, you should have minimal if no involvement in any aspect of planning. You shouldn't be telling them how much it should/is going to cost. That is their decision if they choose to throw a shower.

AutumnFair · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaids-complaining-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7cb8ae82-940a-4646-a952-cc8246da07daPost:5a4581be-056b-44a0-bd12-a6374de7f01b">Re: bridesmaids complaining about shower</a>:
[QUOTE]unfortunately i have read magazines and books and in all of them it says that the shower IS a BM responsibility!?? is all the literature im reading all wrong? all the wedding planning stuff... all wrong? i am a traditional person and that i have been reading about who pays for what and a shower has been under the BM list in all that i have read! what the heck?? now im extremely confused.
Posted by jewels_3_03[/QUOTE]

<div>The only tradition that I take away from weddings now is that a couple say "I do" and they kiss. Anything before, after, and in between is all up to what the bride and groom desire. Who pays for what, BM dresses, shoes, hair, jewelry, etc matching, even parties, dances, songs, etc, are ALL out the window. This is 2010 not 1980, there are a lot of changes in the wedding "traditions". If you want to be "traditional" then technically your reception would be just a cake/punch affair like how it was in the 1970's. </div><div>
</div><div>The other ladies pretty much explain that ALL those wedding magazines you read are marked for wedding businesses. All those things you read are written by people who are getting paid by business vendors who need engaged couples and the people that are in the engaged couples WP to buy as much stuff as possible. Just like any other magazine out there be it beauty, fashion, sports, or any other hobby. I know there are a lot of brides out there like yourself have been brought up thinking that certain things are "traditional", and magazines and such reinforce this, but you need to remember that a wedding is suppose to be about marrying the man you love and want to be with forever, not flowers, cake, decorations. Yes, you can plan it the way you want but just remember you already know how much certain things cost like photographers, reception, flowers, etc cost. Well, your WP has a lot of money that they have to spend like the other ladies said. Specially in this economy, many people are really trying to scrap by and to ask someone to drop money on things without any consent is wrong. The big question to ask yourself is money worth your friendship. So once again, do not ask your BMs to fork over $125+, you need to downsize your shower or whoever is the main planner needs to pay for it themselves.</div>

trix1223 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaids-complaining-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7cb8ae82-940a-4646-a952-cc8246da07daPost:f362faee-2925-45fc-aad9-e09f6b6995c9">bridesmaids complaining about shower</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok everyone..... i have 2 of my BM that are complaining about PAYING for the shower!!!! wtf? I am not high maintenance and the shower is not espensive.. it is completely normal.... it is going to be at a hotel and it is going to be around 125 to 150 dollars! that is it!!!! for everything!!! they wont have to worry about making food for 50+ people or decorating and all the little stuff since the hotel will be doing it! my sister got married in sept and i was a MOH and i paid around that much with my mom making a ton of food and eating the cost for a lot... BM 1 just got married! but her family owned her reception venue so her parents paid for her shower at a winery! BM 2 was in her wedding and didnt have to pay for anything so she is thinking that my situation is the same... which is not the case. BM 2 is getting married in sept.. idk who she thinks is going to help her pay for the shower?! my sisters are my matron and maid of honor. they are fabulous! matron of honor is willing to eat some of the cost but that is TOTALLY not right!!! i am not stressed or anything but just a little hurt! the shower is a responsibility of the BM's ... my future SIL works at davids bridal so i already got a discount on the dresses so idk what the huge problem is. they have know about this wedding since january of '09 so why are they not saving? how do i say something without shounding like a crazy bridezilla and without them knowing that my sis told me that they were complaining?????? ugh!
Posted by jewels_3_03[/QUOTE]

Sorry jewels, but you're wrong on several levels here. Your BM's do not, do not, do not have to throw you a shower. A shower is not a requirement to get married. You'll still be just as married without a shower as you will if you have one.

Put down the magazines. stop watching the tv shows, and stop reading wedding websites lists. Their SOLE purpose is to convince you to spend money on the stuff their advertisers sell. And they do a good job, because so many otherwise intelligent women have bought into the foolishness.

You don't get to decide what a lot of money is or isn't to someone. Two months ago, my DD would have been able to save $125. Emergency surgery and the loss of her job later, and now......she simply doesn't have it.

And even if she did, it's none of your business how your WP spends their money.
You're throwing a "pity me" card by comparing what their showers were to what yours might be. And that shouldn't even enter the equation. What difference does it make where 1 BM had a shower. It's not your business how BM2 gets a shower, if she gets one.

If the girls get the dress, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully for the ceremony, and smile for the pictures, they've done their "job".

Your sisters were 100%wrong if they didn't ask the girls up front what amount they'd be comfortable spending on a shower. The fact is that your sister made plans without consulting the others. Now she can either change her plans or she can pay for what she's decided on.

Finally, this shouldn't be ANY of your concern. You shouldn't be involved in it at all. You seriously need to lose the sense of entitlement.

Because there are some women here that are wrong. Here's a hint: it's NOT the 2 bridesmaids.

jewels_3_03 · February 2010

ok i think you misunderstood something... I NEVER told anyone that they had to throw me a party. please read posts fully before responding! thank you. i am the most laid back person in the world and i think people are misreading this blog

jewels_3_03 · February 2010

ok wow um i am "over myself" and everyone was all for a shower until it comes to the nitty gritty..... also all they have paid for is a dress. none of them are from out of town and i bought their jewelry. the only other thing that they will have to pay for is shoes.. everything else is paid for. my family is big so my close family and fiances family is going to be at least 50 people... i would never tell someone to " spend more on me" that is soooo not me... i really think that people are misreading this blog

jewels_3_03 · February 2010

i totally think that everyone here thinks i came off as a complete bitch and i am the complete opposite. the thing is that everyone was all for a shower and now are being "bridesmaidszillas" but i apologize for coming across as "pity me' or 'spend more on me' that is totally not the case.... i just want them to realize that everyones situation is different and being a bridesmaid is a big responsibility and it does get pricey.

i also thought that this was a place to voice concerns and to get support from other brides but instead NOT ONE of your responses has been supportive or have helped me at all!! i thought this was a place to let out frustrations and possibly find someone that has had a similar situation and a little bit of support.. not one response was even nice. so for that i will probably not ever post anything again. so thank you....

by the way i saw another post titled "who is invited to a shower and who pays" and all the responses for that say the bridesmaids so i think some of you need to find that post and 'set them straight' as well

bablingbrooke · February 2010

Your situation didn't merit any support, dear.

trix1223 · February 2010

Sorry jewels, but you're wrong again. The post you referenced on the pre-wedding parties board gave the same advice you were given here.

It said that the MOH (or shower hosts) should FIRST contact the other members of the WP and see what they were able to contribute. Then plan a party based on THAT budget.

You were wrong to plan a party without asking first and then to invoice your WP for their share. That's where you were scolded. Because what was done was wrong.

And you didn't get any support from your OP because there wasn't anything that warranted support.

duckie1905 · February 2010

FYI, this is a message board, not a blog.

And no, you still aren't right.

AutumnFair · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaids-complaining-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7cb8ae82-940a-4646-a952-cc8246da07daPost:aba08c4a-2932-483d-ace0-139e7bce61cb">Re: bridesmaids complaining about shower</a>:
[QUOTE]i totally think that everyone here thinks i came off as a complete bitch and i am the complete opposite. the thing is that everyone was all for a shower and now are being "bridesmaidszillas" but i apologize for coming across as "pity me' or 'spend more on me' that is totally not the case.... i just want them to realize that everyones situation is different and being a bridesmaid is a big responsibility and it does get pricey. i also thought that this was a place to voice concerns and to get support from other brides but instead NOT ONE of your responses has been supportive or have helped me at all!! i thought this was a place to let out frustrations and possibly find someone that has had a similar situation and a little bit of support.. not one response was even nice. so for that i will probably not ever post anything again. so thank you.... by the way i saw another post titled "who is invited to a shower and who pays" and all the responses for that say the bridesmaids so i think some of you need to find that post and 'set them straight' as well
Posted by jewels_3_03[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I try to think that every bride out there starts out with the mindset of what the magazines, weddings websites tell them to do. But once you step back and have other girls who have gone through the wedding process point out what is truly important (relationship with family and friends), then you realize, it's not only your day of celebrating and enjoying the day but those who are close to you as well. </div><div>
</div><div>Yes, you get to plan lots of stuff and you don't necessarily need other people's opinions. But remember, no relationship should be strained or torn apart do to a party, money, or quick decision. </div><div>
</div><div>I hope you learned at least something from the ladies, that no, your 2 bridesmaids are not wrong for not wanting to dish out $125+ on a party in which they didn't get or give input from whoever is in charge (by what you say is your sister). If you <span style="font-weight:bold;" class="Apple-style-span">care</span> about said bridesmaids you will understand their position and not bother them about the money, and apologize for pressuring them. Your quote " i just want them to realize that everyones situation is different and being a bridesmaid is a big responsibility and it does get pricey", first off, yeah, a bridesmaid can get pricey but it should be the BRIDE'S responsibility to check what her bridesmaids are comfortable on spending on a dress. Like we ALL said before parties and showers, are extra gifts, and its up to the bridesmaid if they want to host said parties and it's up to them on how much to spend.</div><div>
</div><div>I really hope you don't hold a grudge on what your bridesmaids have expressed to you because that will just be another friendship strained in the name of a wedding. And when you look back how many years from now and think "wow, we were such great friends, was my behavior towards them during my wedding worth it?" </div>

jewels_3_03 · February 2010

i dont understand why everyone thinks they didnt have input when they did and now dont want to go through with things. i got them an inexpensive dress because i knew that dresses can get crazy expensive... money was discussed and i haven't put any pressure on them. i have not once said anything to them about a shower. so thats another thing i dont understand. everyone is saying that i am pressuring them and i havent even talked to them about a shower. so my friendships will not be strained.

this is the first response that has not come across completey rude from someone so i thank you for that!

AutumnFair · February 2010

Life if unexpected sometimes and with this economy you might be fine with money one day and the next it can all be gone. Unless your are in the walls of your bridesmaids houses you really don't truly know how they are financially. So they might have both said they could contribute a certain thing but something might has happen (that you may not know) that has change. It sucks if they said they would contribute something and now backing out. But like everyone has said before, they aren't required. It's good you have not talk to the 2 bridesmaid about this situation, just let it go. Tell the person in charge that they must go on without the 2 bridesmaids help and make changes if necessary (just do a cake/punch shower).

jewels_3_03 · February 2010

Thank you! This was very helpful! I understand that maybe something did happen and they didnt tell me. That kind of stinks. I would hope that they would confide in me. I have actually already talked to my sis and she said that she is not worried about anything so things are good to go I guess. She has been keeping me in the dark about the shower so other than that little sna-fu i have no clue what is going on. I really do appreciate the advice Autumn. Thank you!

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