The In-Law vent

newyearnewfamily · September 2010

Sorry this may be long, but I have a lot of venting to do. So, I woke up Monday morning to an email from my FSIL who is also my MOH. In her email that she sent out to everyone (bridesmaids, groomsmen, and other people that are included in the wedding) saying that after talking to me and my FI, everyone was in agreement to do separate Bachelor Party and Bachelorette Party. The only problem is, me and FI never agreed to that. Actually, we are completely against it. We share a lot of the same friends and want to share that time with all of our friends rather than them having to choose which party to go to. So, I was a little upset about that and had to send back an email to MOH explaining that we never discussed this and we would rather have them joint.
So, after that is solved, I have my bridesmaids calling me. They are furious with the MOH (FSIL). So I calm them down and figure out what the deal is. I guess MOH texted all of the bridesmaids saying that the BMs owe her $100 for the wedding shower. When the BMs asked the MOH where and when the shower will be, the MOH said that the girls will get their invitations in the mail with the rest of the guests. This is what made them mad. If you are expecting the BM to pay for the shower, then they are considered hosts. Which means that they should know the details before the rest of the guests do. My BMs are very laid back and very optimistic, positive people. They told the MOH that they want to help plan the Shower, but they weren't expecting this. I am definitely trying to stay out of the middle with this one.
So, by the time I got to work, MOH asked me for the password that I have on the guest list for the wedding because she had forgotten it. So I give her the password but decided to check out the list to make sure that she had updated some of the addresses on IL's side of the family. As I am looking through the list, I am seeing new names. Not just some new names, but lots of new names. So, my first reaction is that somebody hacked into our file and added random names. But, I wanted to make sure with FI first. So I call him up and ask him if he knows any of these people that are now on our list. He knows each and every one of them. They are his Mothers friends. I was like WHAT!
So, his family went into the guest list, after we sent out all the STDs and 3 months before the wedding and started adding people to their list. I lost it. I told FI that I was deleting them off of the list and that he had to tell his mother that they were not invited to the wedding because we did not have the room. Me and FI are paying for this wedding with NO HELP from either parents. His moms response was that I had more people invited on my side than he does on his side. FI comes from a small family. HIs whole family (including cousins, aunts, and uncles) consists of 25 people. MY family consists of 70 people. That's a huge difference. So, yes! I do have 103 people invited on my side and my FI has 98 invited on his side. But I have three families that have already told me that they are unable to attend but I am still sending them an invitation. So that will bring my guest count down to 87! Which is 11 less than he has. Ugh. My IL's are driving me crazy. They also wanted us to disinvite some of the guests that we already sent STDs too. Not a chance in HELL.
So, anyone else have dramatic weekends with their ILs?

marissa_claire · September 2010

Well for one, don't flip out about the bach parties - you don't really have much of a right to tell them what to plan in your honor. Just go with it or politely decline to have one altogether.

The other issues, however, you are correct on. If the BMs are going to be coughing over $$ they should be part of the planning process and hosting process.

Similarly, I don't know why your FMIL would be mad that you're inviting more relatives when your guest lists are about the same. I would just keep calm when explaining these things to them, maybe say that you don't have room or the money to host all the extra people. Even then, if it's a money issue, I would always be willing to tell my FMIL that if she wants to invite these folks, then she can pay for their ticket.

I know it's stressful and the merging of families can cause a lot of pain, but seriously just take it one step at a time and focus on each issue and come up with a polite and proper solution before losing your mind. I know we all want to at times but you'll regret it later if you do.

tldh · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_law-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:75e0000b-ce73-4cc8-938f-cd991bfeedf2Post:0515b316-ed57-401b-9aed-18b4ae0e4ed3">The In-Law vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry this may be long, but I have a lot of venting to do. So, I woke up Monday morning to an email from my FSIL who is also my MOH. In her email that she sent out to everyone (bridesmaids, groomsmen, and other people that are included in the wedding) saying that after talking to me and my FI, everyone was in agreement to do separate Bachelor Party and Bachelorette Party.

The only problem is, me and FI never agreed to that. Actually, we are completely against it. We share a lot of the same friends and want to share that time with all of our friends rather than them having to choose which party to go to. So, I was a little upset about that and had to send back an email to MOH explaining that we never discussed this and we would rather have them joint.

So, after that is solved, I have my bridesmaids calling me. They are furious with the MOH (FSIL). So I calm them down and figure out what the deal is. I guess MOH texted all of the bridesmaids saying that the BMs owe her $100 for the wedding shower. When the BMs asked the MOH where and when the shower will be, the MOH said that the girls will get their invitations in the mail with the rest of the guests. This is what made them mad.

If you are expecting the BM to pay for the shower, then they are considered hosts. Which means that they should know the details before the rest of the guests do. My BMs are very laid back and very optimistic, positive people. They told the MOH that they want to help plan the Shower, but they weren't expecting this. I am definitely trying to stay out of the middle with this one.

So, by the time I got to work, MOH asked me for the password that I have on the guest list for the wedding because she had forgotten it. So I give her the password but decided to check out the list to make sure that she had updated some of the addresses on IL's side of the family. As I am looking through the list, I am seeing new names. Not just some new names, but lots of new names.

So, my first reaction is that somebody hacked into our file and added random names. But, I wanted to make sure with FI first. So I call him up and ask him if he knows any of these people that are now on our list. He knows each and every one of them. They are his Mothers friends. I was like WHAT!

So, his family went into the guest list, after we sent out all the STDs and 3 months before the wedding and started adding people to their list. I lost it. I told FI that I was deleting them off of the list and that he had to tell his mother that they were not invited to the wedding because we did not have the room. Me and FI are paying for this wedding with NO HELP from either parents.

His moms response was that I had more people invited on my side than he does on his side. FI comes from a small family. HIs whole family (including cousins, aunts, and uncles) consists of 25 people. MY family consists of 70 people. That's a huge difference. So, yes! I do have 103 people invited on my side and my FI has 98 invited on his side. But I have three families that have already told me that they are unable to attend but I am still sending them an invitation. So that will bring my guest count down to 87! Which is 11 less than he has. Ugh.

My IL's are driving me crazy. They also wanted us to disinvite some of the guests that we already sent STDs too. Not a chance in HELL. So, anyone else have dramatic weekends with their ILs?
Posted by newyearnewfamily[/QUOTE]

Sorry, but I had to break down that great wall of text for anyone who might want to contribute an answer here. Paragraphs really are your friends on these boards.

lilianne22 · September 2010

Wow, sounds like FI needs to have a little talk with his family about boundaries. Going into your guest list and adding people without telling you was rude and sneaky and needs to be addressed. Also if you and your FI are paying for the wedding, his fam doesn't have final say on who is on the list or not and have no right to be talking to you about who has more invited from whose side.

As for the parties, you don't get a lot of say on how Bachelor/Bachelorette parties go since you guys aren't hosting. Let your WP handle that. Also best to stay out of the shower drama, let your BM's work that out amongst themselves, but you are right, they have no obligation to MOH to pay if they are not included in planning.

MairePoppy · September 2010

'So, anyone else have dramatic weekends with their ILs?' newyearnewfamily

No- I think you get the prize for in-law drama, at least for now. On this board, we usually get the complaints about the MOB/MOGs' choice of dress. I'm shocked that your ILs would actually hack your guest list. And your FSIL would try to bill the bms for a shower and not let them help with the plans.

Stick to your guns on the guest list issues. Have your fi tell his parents that they may not add or subtract on the guest list. Change your password. Tell the bms that they don't have to contribute to your shower and let them decide how to handle it.

Good Luck!

jeanna85 · September 2010

The shower thing is annoying, but the bach party is nothing to complain about. It's a party thrown for you as a gift, you don't get to dictate how it will go. That's pretty rude.

newyearnewfamily · September 2010

Well, me and FI decided that we didn't want a Bach party at all. We really didn't see the point in it but MOH insisted that we have one. After her months of nagging us about having one, we both decided that if she was so dead set on having a Bach party, we would have it together. So, we are perfectly fine without having one. We just have many others that want to have one for us.

lisaandcorey · September 2010

Have you changed that password yet?

He needs to handle his family and set boundaries.

I pray that you are able to remain calm. Good luck with everything!

JillLeAnn89 · October 2010

I completely understand where you are coming from. My MIL has done everything possible to control our wedding, even gone as far as tell her son, the groom, that he and I would be completely cut out of their lives if we had the wedding sooner than their likings. I have set and canceled 9 dates in which the wedding could take place on because of this lady. She insist on attending every meeting I've had with the coordinator and spends the whole time manipulating the meeting to where I have no opinion. On top of this, her and my mother do not get along, at all. I feel your pain, and I am so sorry for your situation. The battle with the MILs is hard, especially when what they want is not what you want at all. Vegas may be the answer

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