apparently i'm rude?

penad5 · March 2010

Ok i just got blasted on the international boards for mentioning that i was inviting some people to my wedding but not to the dinner.
In my circle of friends and family this is common practice - even a wedding photographer friend i have says it's something that happens at 90% of wedding as it's a way to be able to celebrate with people even if you are on a budget - or if you have a ton of friends but can't afford to feed 300 people.
Heck both when at first i wasn't going to do this i had freinds and family all suggested i do this
Is this a Canadian thing? A rual Ontario thing - cause seriously i don't want to offend anyone but I was almost put to tears reading how rude i apparenlty am

MissLeahM · March 2010

Well, the truth is, it is kind of rude. Its like saying, hey I like you, but I just don't want to feed you.
On the other hand, some times it is a regional thing. Like cash bars or stags.

But its the internet, don't get so worked up about what other people say to you, you get a mixture of opinions and thats a good and a bad thing at the same time.

And on a side note, don't be surprised if some other the people come here to say something in this thread, you can be followed by pressing the little magnifying glass. Maybe not followed, but they can see all your posts.

penad5 · March 2010

thanks Leah - as i said just looking for imput - the last thing i want to do is offend any of my guests. But you are right i shouldn't take it personally or get upset - i guess i just never expected to ask a question about inviting one family member over another and end up getting blasted for how i did my guest list.
Thanks for posting

MissLeahM · March 2010

I read it, and I don't think you were blasted. Usually when you tell people not to comment, they tend to get upset about that.

TBH I've never heard of inviting people to the ceremony and the after party. but not the dinner. I have heard of people being invited to the afterparty only. BUT the general consensus is that both are rude. Hope that helps.

penad5 · March 2010

Ya, i'm new to using message boards and I guess i have some stuff to learn if i want to continue to use them

ring_pop · March 2010

Yeah... it is pretty rude. The thing is, if they are invited to your wedding, they will probably buy you a gift. And yet, you can't find the money to treat them to dinner.

I know you want to celebrate with everyone and anyone you know, but if you don't have the budget for it, it's less rude IMO to just not invite them, than to invite them to only (the free) half of the event.

If it's the norm in your circle, then you'll just have to use your best judgment. But be aware that some people will probably be offended. They will feel that they weren't "good enough" to make your dinner guest list.

kaesha · March 2010

Yeah, I've been on the receiving end of ceremony only, not reception and that SUCKED. I'm not going to lie, the friendship hasn't been the same since because other members of our circle were invited to both. I think at its root, you're drawing a line in the sand b/wn people who you deem worth while and those you don't. That's the tricky part.

ring_pop · March 2010

Oh, and it's not a Canadian or Ontario thing. But, I'm not from rural or small town Ontario, so I'll give you that - maaaaybe it's a rural/small town thing. I wouldn't know.

Littlin · March 2010

I've heard of reception only and not ceremony, but not the other way around. I agree with PP's on everything else.

penad5 · March 2010

So how do you win? I was just reading posts on other boards that people are deeply hurt that they didn't get an invite to someones wedding - there were 40 something posts with people talking about how left out they felt becasue they thought they should have gotten an invite.
You are being hurtful if you don't invite, your being rude if only invite to part of the day, but you'll be bankrupt if you just invite everyone - it's a lose, lose, lose situation and i think my head is going to explode

MissLeahM · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_canada_apprenlty-im-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:46Discussion:4ae4bcfe-1b75-4364-8380-2c162d044f9dPost:f878a12b-5ded-4690-bec8-0cfbc8e25eab">Re: apprenlty i'm rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]So how do you win? I was just reading posts on other boards that people are deeply hurt that they didn't get an invite to someones wedding - there were 40 something posts with people talking about how left out they felt becasue they thought they should have gotten an invite. You are being hurtful if you don't invite, your being rude if only invite to part of the day, but you'll be bankrupt if you just invite everyone - it's a lose, lose, lose situation and i think my head is going to explode
Posted by penad5[/QUOTE]

to sum it all up, people were saying, that its understandable to only invite the amount of people you can feed. Eg, if you can feeb 50 ppl, then invite 50 people, but treat them ALL the same.

I have alot of people in my life that I would love to have come to the wedding. But unfortunately I'm not made of money so I figured out how many people I can feed and I worked on my guest list from there.

Note: I don't think your sister is actually helping your case. Shes kind of just making the two of you look crazy.

And I am also having a rural ontario wedding, so this isn't the total norm.

penad5 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_canada_apprenlty-im-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:46Discussion:4ae4bcfe-1b75-4364-8380-2c162d044f9dPost:b894f213-d6f9-40fd-8d41-a33827b5cc17">Re: apprenlty i'm rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: apprenlty i'm rude? : to sum it all up, people were saying, that its understandable to only invite the amount of people you can feed. Eg, if you can feeb 50 ppl, then invite 50 people, but treat them ALL the same. I have alot of people in my life that I would love to have come to the wedding. But unfortunately I'm not made of money so I figured out how many people I can feed and I worked on my guest list from there. Note: I don't think your sister is actually helping your case. Shes kind of just making the two of you look crazy. And I am also having a rural ontario wedding, so this isn't the total norm.
Posted by MissLeahM[/QUOTE]

I know that's what people are saying - and I respect peoples opinions i'm just trying to find a way to not to be hurtful. But it just seems like if i don't invite them they'll be just as upset so i'm in a lose lose lose situation - and frankly it sucks

ring_pop · March 2010

Save for immediate family and very very close friends, people who feel hurt that they didn't receive an invitation just need to get over themselves. It's OK to be disappointed but no one is ENTITLED to an invitation. That's why it's an "invitation".

I understand that in a rural area or small town, it's probably a little harder to sell that line of thinking, but at the end of the day, your money is YOURS, and you just need to prioritize what to do with it. We figured out from the beginning who we wanted to invite, how much money we had, and worked out a plan to accommodate everyone. (The size of my budget is irrelevant; if we'd had less, we would have downscaled the wedding.)

If people show so little understanding of your financial constraints - are they really worth it anyway?

JodyO472 · March 2010

Penad5,

I posted something similar and received the same response.

I then questioned what I was planning on doing, so asked as many people as I could, friends, colleques, family, etc and all think what we are planning is fine. I don't know if this is regionalized or not, but is common here.

I don't want to offend people with what I am doing.

I am in rural Ontario if that helps at all.

penad5 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_canada_apprenlty-im-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:46Discussion:4ae4bcfe-1b75-4364-8380-2c162d044f9dPost:db52ccee-0e8e-4f5b-89f9-4ea185e02f06">Re: apprenlty i'm rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Penad5, I posted something similar and received the same response. I then questioned what I was planning on doing, so asked as many people as I could, friends, colleques, family, etc and all think what we are planning is fine. I don't know if this is regionalized or not, but is common here. I don't want to offend people with what I am doing. I am in rural Ontario if that helps at all.
Posted by JodyO472[/QUOTE]

Ya I’ve been asking everyone I know including other brides - and especially people who I know would tell me the truth. And all but one agreed it was perfectly acceptable and would or did do it at their wedding - the one who didn't agree said she was fine with the dance only and did that at her wedding - but might find it rude if she was invited to the ceremony and dance but not the meal – and I can see that

And I’ve actually received a few PM from other people on the Knott who have said it's fine and do what I feel is right for me and my family and friend. I just think there are some ideas that some people on these boards feel so strongly against that it's intimidated people from agreeing with it openly. I think I will be putting some thought into just inviting to the after party – but I think we should both go with what we feel is right for us – I mean we know our guests better than anyone else, and if we know they won’t find it rude then there is no problem with it I’m in Eastern Ontario – but the wedding is in Southern Ontario J

PreppySailor · March 2010

I grew up in the tiniest town in rural ontario, like as rural as it gets, and this is a new idea to me. I know you aren't trying to be "rude", simply trying to please as many people as possible, but when you're planning a wedding you just can't make everybody happy.

I would seriously consider limiting your guestlist to only those that you can afford to invite to the reception/dinner. As the reception is your thank you to your guests for coming,

Sunny0710 · March 2010

I have never heard of excluding ceremony guests from the reception. IMO, I would rather not be invited than only be invited to the ceremony.

PPs are right; if this was the case I would feel obligated to bring a gift and might be required to travel for a ceremony that might only be a half hour, and then have to turn around to go home again. Also, how would you word this on the invite? The guests you exclude will surely find out there is a reception.

I had problems with my guest list too. Our venue can only hold 120, and we had to exclude some people we definately would have loved to invite. I just had to tell them that we were having a small wedding, mostly family, and we would have loved to invite everyone if we could.

I would cut back the list and only invite those you can invite to both the ceremony and reception. It's not fair to divide you guests in this way.

shoegal715 · March 2010

Honestly, I have never heard of this, and I think it's very rude. I would be insulted if I got one of those "invitations"

ETA: There is a big difference in my opinion between saying 1) Sorry, we're just keeping the wedding close friends and family; and 2) We want you to come to the ceremony, but there is no room at the reception.

Scenario 1 is very acceptable. People understand that others have very small and intimate weddings. Scenario 2 looks like "buy me a gift, but I'm not going to buy you a dinner because you weren't good enough to make the cut for the list."

The above might not be your intention, but it's certainly how it comes across to outsiders.

FriskyMonkey · March 2010

I would be upset if I was invited to the ceremony and not the meal. It's kind of like you like me but not enough to pay to feed me. I'm from a small town and I've never heard of that. You have to invite them to all of it or none of it.

aechambers · March 2010

I am also from rural Ontario and have heard of this. In fact it occurred at my brother in laws wedding, and will be at the sister in law's with no one having any problems. Mind you in both cases people weren't invited to the ceremony or the dinner but are welcome to the party after.

With my BIL's in many cases acquaintances wanted to celebrate with them but they couldn't invite everyone. Some brought gifts some didn't no one seemed to have hurt feelings. With my SIL it is only immediate family at the ceremony (like 15 people kinda thing) and the same at the dinner, with an open party to any and all who want to attend.

With my wedding it is still undecided what is going on. We may have the ceremony away with only immediate family and (open??) reception after. We may have the ceremony here with open reception after dinner as there is no way I can afford to feed everyone. Our families are so large that we have 130 people and that only includes a handful of friends each.

Which ever way you choose make sure you are careful! As someone else mentioned if one level of friend is invited the other should be. One cousin is invited the others should be. Don't ask someone who has traveled far to only come to the ceremony and not the reception. I know I would be pissed. It is definitely your day but as my mom said are the years of fighting and tension worth the $$ per person it takes to add another table??

deepcovejackie · March 2010

I'm from rural Ontario too, and I've never heard of inviting some people for everything, and then others for only part of it. What are guests supposed to do between your ceremony and the dance while everyone else is eating dinner? I think it will look odd, and make the second tier guests feel weird.

I had a friend who did this (not in Ontario, in Calgary), I was in the "first tier". When the "second tier" arrived after dinner everyone kept asking them why they were late! They had to say because they weren't invited to the dinner. Ack.

I didn't see the original thread on this, but the posters on the international board were correct, in my opinion.

Strawberryblonde1 · April 2010

I don't think it's rude, I think it's realistic. Why should we go into debt for a wedding or have to stress about money like that? I think this whole industry is insane. Fun, but insane.

Nukke · April 2010

Ok here's my take on it, in light of the history of weddings. You shouldn't be actively inviting people to just the ceremony and not the reception. However--(I'm from a rural ontario community)--if you're getting married in the local church, it's pretty common practice for the minister to let the congregation know the ceremony date, etc. If you're getting married in a church (versus outdoors), it is (traditionally) supposed to be the community's right to attend your wedding and witness your nuptials. You know that whole part of the traditional vows where the minister asks "if anyone here has any reason why these two should not be joined today in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."? That's said because you are supposed to be getting the community's "ok" to be wed--not just your biased loving family's approval.

So back in the day (and still in lots of rural small town places), churches were opened up and anyone could just walk into the ceremony and witness the nuptials. Upcoming weddings were posted in the newspapers for that reason as well. Those community members who just showed up were "invited" by the minister, however (verbally on Sunday)--NOT, I repeat, NOT by the bride, groom and family.

If we're talking about paper invites from you or your family, however, I completely agree with this
[QUOTE]There is a big difference in my opinion between saying 1) Sorry, we're just keeping the wedding close friends and family; and 2) We want you to come to the ceremony, but there is no room at the reception.
Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]

Littlin · April 2010

Well said Nukke! Can you imagine all the people that would come in downtown Toronto for anyone's weddings? Weird randoms interrupt mass all the time at my church - I hope someone is on the look out on the day of for me!

mandidavis · April 2010

Hey ladies, I'm from Miramichi, and honestly I have heard of this happening MANY times around here and havent really heard anyone complain about it, I was invited to a few weddings but not the reception, and really didnt think anything of it. Its expensive to feed everyone, so I think what you are doing is fine, whether it seems rude to some or not, there is never going to be a perfect wedding where everyone is happy. So I say do what is best for you and your fiance, because in the end its YOUR day

saraheve23 · April 2010

I definitely do NOT think you're rude.. I don't know if it's because of my background, but I have seen this invite to ceremony and not to the reception thing more than once. I grew up in Calgary with French Canadian parents and I have been to a wedding in Mexico, Switzerland and Montreal where some guests were only invited to the ceremony. I think it's normal - if you are a believer, then the important part is the ceremony anyway, so it's an honor to invite people to that, and I think the party afterwards should be reserved for people you feel close to. Hope this helps! And remember, no matter what anyone says, it's YOUR wedding - do it your way!

superheroprincess · May 2010

1- The regular knot board is full of rude people who force their opinions on you and make you feel bad if you see things differently and call you names if you ask questions they think are stupid.

2- I'm from a small town in northern Ontario and have seen in happen a couple of times. Once I was a non-dinner invitee. I was a bit hurt and didn't give a gift but none of my other girlfriends weren't invited to the dinner and we all went to a local restaurant (she just had family at the dinner).

3- If you do decide (and it is your choice) I just ask that you please invite ALL out of town guests to the dinner as that would be VERY rude. Asking them to travel and not feeding them... but again my opinion so you can do with it what you want.

Nat&Pete · August 2010

I know this thread has been quiet for a while but I did want to share that my in my family it is common to have "Dance" invites. I have over 100 first cousins so only the aunts/uncles get the invites to the reception and all of the cousins are welcome to attend the actual wedding and the dance so they can party with the rest of the family.

apparently i'm rude?

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