When Did Weddings Become Productions?

MikesAngie · May 2010

Let me clarify that questions just a little. Anyone married in the 1980's or early 1990's may remember that even the most formal of weddings was announced with just a very austere and formally printed invitation, unless you were invited to the engagement party and even that invite was austere. Placecards were used only in very formal plated dinners where more than one entree was served. Save the Dates were unheard of, and I didn't know programs existed until now...when our officiant suggested that we print them. Correct me if I'm wrong...I just don't remember all the stationary at any of the weddings I attended back in the day.

When did wedings become a minor play where guests must know the "cast" instead of meeting them at the cocktail portion of the reception?

This is our dream wedding and one that should have occurred a long time ago, but it's happening next year and we're delighted and we are having all the bells and whistles that we want. This is our most formal wedding and of course our last. We just didn't know that we would be doing so much printing or caligraphy (me and the FMIL).

And what exactly goes on a program anyway? And is it wrong to use the Save the Dates as an engagement announcement as well as a reminder of the up-coming event?

handfast4me · May 2010

A lot of this stuff is just ridiculous, and has been made required by the wedding INDUSTRY. Because that's what it is. An INDUSTRY. And they can't make any money unless they make everyone feel like if they don't do Save the Dates, and progams, and candy buffets and a video montage of the couple, and an aisle runner, and all this other superfluous stuff that they didn't have a "real" wedding. The only thing required is you and your fi. In some states you don't even need an officiant, like Colorado.

Because DH and I didn't want to fall into that trap, we did a simple beach wedding, just the two of us, no guests, no attendants. It was much more meaningful and romantic that my mid-sized wedding in 1985.

I see a lot of women on the boards who have fallen into the trap. They will state that they didn't have a "real wedding" because they just had a JOP. It is insulting to people like me who chose to do that (and actually, they CHOSE to do it too). And, if you have to get divorced or widowed to end the marriage, then, in fact, it was a real wedding.

So, all that to say that it's up to you to decide if you want to do all the extra stuff, or just some of it, or whatever.

nmauser82 · May 2010

Handfast4me is exactly right. It's the stationary people and the cake people and the favor people and the etc etc etc people who want to make as much money as possible. And sadly, sites like this one, magazines, TV and bridal shows that promote it all. I don't even go to the other boards because they are filled with girls/women who are obsessed with this STUFF. they spend hours agonizing over tiny details that no one cares about or will remember a month after the event. Its no wonder that the average cost of a Wedding is around $20,000 or so. Its rediculous. And they are all competing with each other to have the biggest, awesomest wedding ever seen.

All you realy need for a Wedding is the bride, the groom, and oficient, a license, rings and a few witnesses. All you need for a reception are basic comforts, conversation and a good attitude. You don't need elaborate floral centerpieces, chair covers, a photo booth, professional dancers, fireworks, or god knows what else people come up with these days.

If thats you're cup of tea and you have thousands of dollars to throw around as you please then by all means do whatever you want, But it is definitely not required or even necessary.

robinmichael · May 2010

You ladies all share the same sentiment that I do. I personally think "One Perfect Day-the selling of the Ameican wedding" by Rebecca Mead should be required reading for brides. It is almost like a manual of how vendors and wedding goods retailers try to sell you a feeling. It's quite shocking the depths they go to, to try and make you feel like you NEED something or it's "tradition".

handfast4me · May 2010

Another requirement for brides should be The Conscious Bride by Sheryl Nissinen. For those of us who have established a career, a network, and all the other things that many of us, well, seasoned brides (aka, bitter old hags:-) have, this is a must-read. It helped me greatly.

melissamc2 · May 2010

You know, I mean I totally get what everyone is saying, and I agree - it's an industry, not just an event...but I actually LIKE the production value, now. As most on here know, this is my third wedding. My first was very nice and elegant, but you're right - no save the dates, no programs, no...so much of what there is today. Same with the second, although we did flash it up a little bit with the ring bearer carrying a pot of gold (it was on St. Patrick's Day) and things like that. However, it was still your basic wedding, on the whole.

I like being able to go over the top this time and it, essentially, be considered the norm. We had save the dates that were tiny passports that opened up to show our photo and the information (he's from Canada, I'm from the States - so passports are a daily part of life for us!). Our programs are going to be full comic books, our reception is going to have a red carpet and doorman. Yes, it's "too much," and we fully admit this. I like that it's more accepted now, though. I feel like you are putting far more of your personality into things at this point (whether huge productions, casual destination weddings, or very simple ceremonies). It's a free for all on style and I am a huge advocate on that.

I love that (on this board, especially) everyone can have a very "them" wedding.   I find some of the $1500 weddings to be just as touching and gorgeous as the very expensive ones. Yeah, we're in that $20k + group, but I don't think that makes it any 'better" than the backyard ones. I think it being what you want it to be is what makes it perfect, not a dollar amount, a theme, or going with/bucking tradition.

I absolutely love seeing everyone's photos as the weddings take place!

As for your questions - the program basically outlines the ceremony, introduces the families and wedding party, and thanks anyone you fee like thanking.

Yes, your Save the Date can definitely serve double duty as the engagement announcement! It's cute AND practical!   Congratulations and good luck!

Ken&Cass · May 2010

I sent Save the Dates, even though I really didn't want to.. because I am planning a wedding out of state from my immediate family. My fiance insisted that people should have as much time as they need to plan. The program thing, I agree, I don't get it. I think it's a nicety and not a necessity although people keep bringing it up and I keep telling them I'm not doing it!

NJ Jen · May 2010

Still not doing save the dates, still not doing programs, then or now. But then, this wedding is simpler than the one I had before - is it just me? Not as drastic as a JOP, but simpler...

Sue-n-Kevin · May 2010

Yes, weddings are an "industry". I don't fault anyone for wanting a simple wedding, or going over the top. But my fiance's right: when you watch "Platinum Weddings", think of all the charities that could benefit from all the money they are spending for ONE DAY.

Our wedding will have a lot of the "stuff" like centerpieces, votives, pew decor, a photographer, a DJ, and caterer. But I have never been married, and even though I have 2 kids (one 23, one 15), I WANT them to have a great experience when I marry my fiance. I'm a DIY sort of person, so our entire wedding is pretty much in boxes in various rooms in my house, bargains I got and have to put together, which I don't consider a chore, but a delight. My Mom used to do catering, so big parties are natural to me. We are only inviting 100 guests, which is our immediate family and closest friends. I doubt more than 80 will show up, as a large amount of my Dad's family is in CA.

I'm sending save-the-date notes with my Xmas cards this year........ I'm sure a tremendous faux pas for the younger set, as it's not the "ta-da" moment of opening just the STD that was carefully planned.

I think whatever anyone wants is fine. I consider this the "no rules" board.

thealphabride · May 2010

Hi Angie,
Yes the wedding industry is such a RACKET. Everything wedding is marked up 200%.
I knew this at the beginning of the planning stages. I decided my budget and guest list. Then I decided what was important to spend my hard earned money on.
What would people remember? The ceremony, The food, the booze, the bride and groom, the dancing.
I tried to remember some of the details of my sisters wedding that I was in a number of years ago. Can't remember what shoes I wore, can't remember the cake, the food was good, but can't remember what it was, I do remember the beautiful bride and groom and the dancing, I remember sitting with my sister at the dinner. I remember the whole ceremony.
Things I personally did not find it worth spending money on:
Photobooth, save the dates, transportation (read:limo's or trolly's) multiple photo locations in the city(CHGO) a huge bridal party a big expensive cake. I am making my invites and they look professionally done, as well as place cards, table numbers.
Expensive favors are out they are getting the traditional Greek Favor: Jordon Almonds in tulle.
I am having everything I want but using all budget vendors including a wedding planner that is just starting her business and got her for FREE!!! and she has been WONDERFUL.
This is my first wedding with guests (first time at courthouse) so it was important to me to have a wedding with guests and a reception, like I said getting what I want, but on a serious budget, and you know what????
Everything will be beautiful and look like I spent a bundle.

Marrin713 · May 2010

Not much traditional about this time around. We did the Save the Dates mainly because we are getting married in a popular summer vacation month - July.

We are doing the JOP with moms, sons, and sibs present. Our county only does them on Fridays and we were unable to book a venue on the Friday we are getting married. So we are having a Sunday evening cocktail celebration on the Sunday after. No white dress, no tuxes - all golf club casual and very much "us."

2dBride · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_did-weddings-become-productions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:cd1d2025-10e5-4483-85d6-55ad37a8ce3aPost:4420873b-ae2e-4c9a-8a71-23a22d91cfbc">When Did Weddings Become Productions?</a>:
[QUOTE]Anyone married in the 1980's or early 1990's may remember that even the most formal of weddings was announced with just a very austere and formally printed invitation, unless you were invited to the engagement party and even that invite was austere. Placecards were used only in very formal plated dinners where more than one entree was served. Save the Dates were unheard of, and I didn't know programs existed until now...when our officiant suggested that we print them. Correct me if I'm wrong...I just don't remember all the stationary at any of the weddings I attended back in the day.
Posted by MikesAngie[/QUOTE]Being older than dirt, I was actually married for the first time in the 1970s. We had the austere and formally printed invitations. We didn't have placecards, save the dates, or programs.

I, too, am shocked by how much the wedding industry has taken over. The diamonds in engagement rings have gotten larger, diamonds have been added to wedding bands, etc.

However, I think the stationery is actually the least of the issues. Engraved invitations are now phenomenally expensive. <a href="http://www.crane.com/prdSellPersonalize.aspx?name=AD9017_EngravedWeddingInvitations" target="_blank">Crane's, for example, sells 25 invitations plus 25 response card sets for $924</a>. And that assumes you don't need a separate reception invitation. Admittedly, the cost per invitation is a lot less if you order more of them, but that would still have been a major line item in our wedding. Even from a discount place, we would have spent at least half of that to get engraved invitations. As it was, our entire stationery budget (including two sets of invitations--one for the ceremony and luncheon and one for the at-home reception, menu inserts, accommodations inserts, response cards, programs, photosharing cards, thank you cards, and postage) was under $300.

Also, one of the things that has happened with regard to stationery is that the possibilities for home printing are so much greater than they used to be. For example, we decided to have programs because we had a Jewish ceremony with several nonJewish guests. Our programs were therefore mini-prayerbooks with the entire text of the ceremony, including translations and transliterations of the Hebrew, plus explanations of the Jewish customs. We were able to download ceremony texts from the Internet, play with them to get what we wanted, e-mail a copy of the ceremony to our rabbi for review, and print out the programs. All of this would have involved much more effort and expense back in 1977.

The important thing is not to think you have to have everything the wedding industry says you must. You don't <em>have</em> to have save the dates, programs, favors, placecards, etc. Just choose what works for you, and ignore the rest.

deepcovejackie · May 2010

I think weddings are whatever we make them. No-one else gets to say that I "have" to have anything at my wedding. Definitely not the wedding industry. So far my dress was $180 and my shoes $150. Jewellery was less than $80. I am doing invitations (just DIY) so people know they're invited.

We thought we'd have a very small crowd (ie less than 15), now we're finding out that we'll be a bigger crowd. We just didn't think folks would want to travel to Mexico, but as it happens, we're lucky to be able to have our loved ones around us. So now it's Mexican buffet at the house and not an expensive dinner at a restaurant.

There will be no programs (maybe), no garter toss, no bouquet toss, no RD, no showers, no large wedding party and etc. What we have just fits the feel of our wedding.

PP's have outlined all kinds of different ceremonies and receptions, all of them unique and all of them meeting the needs of each couple. Good luck in your planning!

bklyn0671 · May 2010

This whole industry.. wedding industry of course has me going nuts. I am not falling into this trap. This is my second marriage and although my fiance has never been married and wants me to have a great wedding I can care less. I would rather go off and get married somewhere else. Have a party later, you spend all that money and all that stress for what. Its like I had asked him who are we having this wedding for anyway?. Its about him and I .... Its one day, we have the rest of our lives. He thinks I am nuts. So I am still planning this wedding , I still want to run off with him, so we shall see. Platiumn weddings is waaay over the top.

SheDiva4 · May 2010

I completely agree that weddings nowadays have become huge productions. I believe that I have done my best to not fall into the industry traps.

My FI and I have dubbed our wedding "The day we say nice things to each other"

We are doing some of the things that the industry say you "must" have but for other reasons. My FI's daughter suggested we bake cookies for the guests (favors). All the kids are looking forward to making the cupcakes (ok the boys just want to lick the bowl).

So while the cookie bar seems trendy I'm am so looking forward to a marathon cookie baking session with my future step-daughter. I can only imagine what a mess the kitchen will be with 4 kids attempting to bake cupcakes.

What is really important to my FI and I is that we are not just doing things because the industry says we have to but because they actually mean something to us.

We are doing a lot of stationary items, but that is because I am a calligrapher. I took several classes and used my skills to make extra money addressing wedding invitation. Well funny enough my FI's mother was a SAHM and she did the same thing.

MikesAngie · May 2010

I totally understand that Weddings have become a huge industry especially when all the first timers fall into the "have to have" trap.

I was and am still surprised at the amount of card stock and paper products that are now suggested for a formal wedding. We are doing Save the Dates because we are getting married on a Sunday and the guests we are sending them to are family members that need advanced notice to plan to take time off work and travel to be here. We're still waffling on programs, although it would be nice to mention in memorandum my Dad who passed away in 2001 and to also share the Native American reading and the meaning behind it.

We're doing a lot of DIY things, the printing of the Save the Dates, Invitations, Response cards and envelopes, and Programs (if we decide to have them) . The florals (all silk) are DIY because I have time right now and can have the quantity of flowers that we want and remain in our budget.

Thank you ladies for your feed back and your thoughts.

JenniferC2010 · May 2010

I love the idea of having more of a production, after all weddings are special events in the families lives. My first wedding was a Las Vegas planned elopement. This time around I'm doing the chapel and reception with guests. It will be sweet and romantic and I'm obsessed with the little details because I didn't obsess about them the first time.

I might do STDs, haven't decided yet. I'd only do them because my FI's family is in England, we're in the US, so I'd love to give them a long time to save up for a trip. I'm DIYing a lot of things for the wedding and I figure I'll still spend a pretty penny.

We have our budget set for 7500 and we'll do our best to stick to it.

Lisa50 · May 2010

LOL!! I love it. Productions, absolutely. And it can be easy to get sucked into it.

I first married in 1992, with no "Save the Date" postcard, menu cards, escort cards, etc. We didn't even include response cards -- everyone we invited knew that an R.S.V.P. indication at the bottom of the engraved invitation (black ink on cream stock) meant they'd better get their stationery out and write a quick note. It all worked out just fine. Hee hee!

We had a program -- very simple -- because we didn't want my extended family to get lost in the order of the Mass (my mom and I are the only Catholics in my family). But it was, literally, a cover that a friend sketched and text I whipped up on my computer. Nothing fancy, just simple, tasteful and functional.

This time around, my new groom and I will send out Save the Date cards 10 months in advance, as our wedding will be on the Sunday of a summer holiday weekend. Most of our guests often plan just one "getaway" per summer, and we want them to have a written heads up well in advance. Our invitations will be quite simple but, in a concession to the times, will include a response card and pre-stamped envelope.

Other than that, its old school. No escort cards, menu cards, programs, place cards, favors, etc.

The productions came in when the industry learned they can charge 2x to 5x more for everything associated with the word "wedding" and get it. Maybe cable TV contributed to it, too?? I dunno but I hear a lot about all of these wedding shows. And maybe its because some parents just don't know how to say "No" to their offspring. I'm a parent and practice saying "No" to my kid quite often, so I cannot relate ... LOL!

We're going the simple, stunning route. Radical, huh??

Lisa50 · May 2010

How did you find that newbie wedding planner? I'd love to find one here ...

Thanks!

luckyme502 · May 2010

My Aunt was married in 1986, and her wedding was a much bigger production than mine is going to be. So, I don't think things have changed at all.

thealphabride · May 2010

My planner found me. She posted on our local board, then got banned for posting. (It's against the rules for to post.
She posted that the first 3 brides that contacted her she would do their weddings for free to get started in her business, she is now very busy, but I was one of the 3 so she is doing my wedding free, total planning. But I only needed a DOC, and wanted to plan my own wedding, but wanted a DOC. She has been great all along, it's been about a year, and we chat often on email and she is ready, willing and able to help in any way.

JennaHR · May 2010

Our wedding is a celebration, of our love our families our past and our future. We are far from the 20K mark, but we are having attendants, centerpieces, and the works. If you want a production, have a production. If you want to stand in the woods with your three favorite people, FI and an officiant, go right ahead. It's your day. As far as the pressure, I think that is probably more of a firt-time-bride issue. Anyone who has already been married knows that it is one day out of your life. Still, it deserves to be the best day.
We are focussing on the ceremony, writing our own vows, hopefully my father will become liscenced as our officiant, and including our children and siblings in various ways. The reception is our chance to celebrate... and a celebration it will be!! Still, we have a Guestlist around 100, with a 8-10K budget which is small by the "Platinum" standard. It's not the bling that we're about, it's the people and the good time. I'm a DIYer with a two-year timeline, so I think we can make it happen, and for sanity's sake we're not going too overboard.

Ken&Cass · May 2010

On the topic of RSVPing... we did our own invitations and we couldn't figure out how to print on the small 'RSVP' cards so I just left them blank and stuck them in the invitations. I'm glad I did, because I've gotten some pretty funny responses back and I plan to put them in a wedding scrapbook now!

I have gotten two invitations in the last month myself and I have to admit I didn't care for the whole 'accepts/regrets' boxes to check on a preprinted thing. So impersonal... I think.

KRN726 · June 2010

Yes, I agree that the wedding industry is a rip off. I am seriously honing my negotiation skills with vendors. Amazing what you get when you ask.

But...I want our wedding ceremony and reception to be stunning because I am so HAPPY and I just want to make it look beautiful for US. This is my THIRD wedding; one typical 80's church hall wedding to high school sweetheart and one backyard party to the wrong guy. But now that I am older and wiser, and, HAVE THE MONEY, I want to plan it the way I want to plan it. Oh, I do get the eye rolls from family members who maybe didn't save the way I have most of my adult life and don’t approve or couldn't afford what I am planning, but I just can't let them influence us to do something less than what we want.

We are doing several things DIY, like the invites, program, escort cards, and table numbers. You should see my FH cutting paper! But the WOW things that I want to see and have, like a formal museum venue with luscious food and late night snacks, a string quartet for the ceremony, a videographer who includes music videos, gorgeous centerpieces and beautiful linens, full open bar, room lighting and dance floor monogram, and yes, even beautiful silver wine stoppers and wine glass charm favors for my fantastic family and friends - these kinds of things I am not DIY-ing and am willing to pay a professional. And, I am treating my BMs, mom and FMIL to a trip to the day spa for mani/pedis the day before and then to on-location hair and makeup on the day. Because I can and I want to. I want all of us to enjoy the little luxuries if just for a day and to have a great time being together. It's what we do best as a family, regardless of the setting. But this time, I want the setting to be spectacular. My FI and I haven’t registered for gifts because we really don’t need or want anything – except to spend a fun-filled day with the people we love the most.

And yes, it is definitely way above the $20K range, but I think it’s worth it.

jlk67 · June 2010

I think it's all a matter of personal preference. I've never been to a wedding with programs, but I decided to do them. I bought a package of cardstock and printed them off myself. I found a free template online and customized it. I might have paid $10 total, and that's only because I ordered the card stock because I couldn't find the color I wanted in a local store.

I sent save the dates because we got married on July 4th, and most of our family and friends are out of town. It gave them a heads up so they could plan for it. When my sister got married 10 years ago, instead of sending save the dates, she sent her invites out WAY early. The result was that some people forgot them and never sent them back. I think save the dates are a good tool if you have a lot of out of town guests. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother. We did not send out formal announcements, so I guess our save the dates kinda did serve that purpose. I don't see the point in a formal announcement and a save the date.

JeniBug82 · June 2010

We are having a small wedding of 50 guests, and a cake and coffee reception in the church basement. You would not believe the amount of people who have given me a hard time or had something to say about this!! Ridiculous how people have to insert their opinions on someone else's wedding! We are doing what works for us...we are not wealthy, and the thought of 100 people eating dinner and watching me eat mine and then leaving as soon as dinner over is what turned me off from the whole thing. We will be going to a local bar that night to celebrate, and our friends will be with us. Its a party no matter where we celebrate! Our invitations are not anything spectacular, and I am not sure if we will do programs, but if we do, they will be printed at home by us!!! We would much rather have a nice honeymoon and save some money for a house then spend thousands on a wedding we probably wont remember anyhow!And by the way...my first wedding was five years ago, and that was small and intimate too!

When Did Weddings Become Productions?

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