military life

Alice and Les · January 2011

Hello Ladies,

i have a few issues I need advice on, any help is appreciated.

My FI and I were all set to marry march 17 2012, the venue was paid in full (we got it 10% off since we paid in full, seemed like a great idea at the time) the save the dates were sent out and my dress was picked. We just got word that he will be deployed on our wedding date. We thought since he just got back that we would be safe for at least a year, but it happens.

Thank God for military clauses. We were able to save the hall, but we would have to get whatever left over dates they have. But my dress is already in production. I could lose the deposit which was 60% of the dress, or I can have it finished and have it sitting in a closet for a year? any suggestions?

we decided that we will get married before this next deployment and have a church wedding when he returns. However, his family cannot afford to come to the civil ceremony on short notice. They live out of state and are very tight on money. My FMIL thinks i purposely planned it this way so that she wouldn't be able to come to the wedding, and the only way I can correct this is by paying for her and 10 other guests to come to our CC. How do I tell her no?

My parents still want to invite the whole family down to the court house to see the CC. Is it just me, or does it seem rude to have my family there and not his?

Epic07032011 · January 2011

I had this problem, too. Finally we just told everyone, we are going to have to elope, and then have the ceremony later. The ceremony will be the "real" one--"you aren't missing anything."

You have to make your own decision on this, but you're right, if one family comes, both should. Your decision is: guests or no guests.

Good luck

and

congratulations!

Sammy0709 · January 2011

I'm sharing my opinion at the risk of sounding insensitive.

Your FMIL probably thinks what she does (about you doing this on purpose and you should pay for them to be there) because you knew their situation and still planned a civil ceremony at a location they will not be able to travel to. She wants to share in your "real" vows with you at your civil ceremony and is probably disappointed that you are not affording her this option. IMO if this were the case for me, I would not have a civil ceremony before he left. I would wait and just have my big wedding with everyone there for the FIRST exchange of vows. That way I don't risk having hard feelings with either side of my family from the beginning of my marriage. Other than that, you can move your civil ceremony to a location closer to your future in-laws so that they can attend, assuming your family has the ability to travel there. Discuss it with your mother first, though. If she has not problem with not being there, elope. I'm just trying to suggest solutions that hurt the least amount of feelings.

On the dress thing, I would keep it. Your gown, likely, won't go out of style and typically bridal stores suggest ordering gowns 8 months-a year in advance anyway. As long as you have it in one of those zipper dress bags that keep out light and dust, I don't see a problem with your dress being in your closet a year.

shan87 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-life?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:e01ae17b-34c9-46fb-9f07-093ceca3c5cfPost:7cd96537-af7a-4086-b2c7-f04d4d66df9f">Re: military life</a>:
[QUOTE]I The ceremony will be the "real" one--"you aren't missing anything."
Posted by Epic07032011[/QUOTE]

If someone worded it like this to me I would be very hurt and very offended. To a lot of people the "real" one is you and your FI promising to be with each other, and exchanging vows regardless of the location.

As for the OP its an all or nothing deal. Either everyone is there or no one but the 2 witness. Its not fair or polite to have it near you where your family can easily come and not your FI. Marriage is about joining the families together not snubbing them.

calindi · January 2011

I'd also suggest waiting. It's a horrible way to start off a marriage by alienating his family.

I know you're impatient to marry the love of your life, but it won't make that big of a difference to you when he's gone - you'll miss him just as much. If you can't have both families there, then it's probably best to wait so you don't hurt someone's feelings. Do you really want to hurt your FMIL like that? I'd be devastated if my brother got married when my family couldn't be there.

If you're dead set on getting married before his deployment, is there any way you can pay for his immediate family to be there for your vows? Is there any way you could host it somewhere where his family would be able to be and your family could travel?

I know you'll get more money while he's deployed if you're married, but more importantly you'd also be able to get on base to participate in support groups for the spouses. I know there are a few tangible and intangible benefits to being married before he goes, but ultimately you won't miss him any less and you won't be able to see him any sooner. So is it really worth pissing off your FMIL in order to attend a few meetings and make a few extra bucks? That relationship is one you'll have to deal with for the rest of your life, so I'd treat it with some care and consideration. This is potentially a lifelong tension that could be formed from this decision to exclude his family (I know that you'd want them there, but doing it when you know they can't be there is definitely making the choice to exclude them).

Sammy0709 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-life?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:e01ae17b-34c9-46fb-9f07-093ceca3c5cfPost:024b64b4-e7ea-475f-bb0d-f1de6dbc32c5">Re: military life</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: military life : If someone worded it like this to me I would be very hurt and very offended. To a lot of people the "real" one is you and your FI promising to be with each other, and exchanging vows regardless of the location. As for the OP its an all or nothing deal. Either everyone is there or no one but the 2 witness. Its not fair or polite to have it near you where your family can easily come and not your FI. Marriage is about joining the families together not snubbing them.
Posted by shan87[/QUOTE]

Didn't notice this but I eloped and I thought that was pretty real...I wasn't aware that I am fake married.

kara811 · January 2011

I would also just wait til the time you'll be able to have your big wedding. It's not good to start off your marriage with a big gap between you and your future in laws, especially if your FI will be deployed right after you get married. I agree with others, if you really want to get married before he deploys, either elope yourselves, or pay for your in laws or move the wedding closer to them. It's always a compromise so no one's feelings is hurt.

The dress shouldn't be an issue, many brides purchase their gowns even a year in advance. Like a PP said, just make sure to keep it somewhere safe, in a garment bag and take it out from time to time to make sure it won't yellow a bit, but it should be fine.And if you lose or gain weight, between now and then, seamstresses can always alter it too later closer to the date.

Beachy730 · January 2011

First of all, whatever you decide do to, as soon as you sign the marriage license, you are married. I'm assuming your FMIL is not an idiot, and knows that the "real" wedding is the one where you first say I DO and become man and wife, not just the day you wear the big white dress. So, yeah, I would be pissed too if you said that to me.

I can completely understand wanting to be married before he is deployed. But is it worth risking having a strained relationship forever with your in-laws? The extra money and info you get from being married only lasts so long, your relationship with them lasts forever.

How soon before the original wedding is he leaving that it would be so last minute for her? And how much longer would you have to postpone the wedding if you just waited until after? (in relative terms I don't need exact times).

Jynxey · February 2011

I don't think you should let your FMIL dictate what you decide to do or not. If she cannot make it to your civil ceremony, that is unfortunate and of course it would be wonderful if she came, but it's also not your responsibility to get her there, especially if it isn't in the budget. I think if she is a reasonable adult you all should be able to respectfully work it out, being considerate of her feelings of course. I think it would be easier to wait and have your ceremony/wedding reception all at once, but if you don't choose to do it that way, you two shouldn't feel guilty about it either.

I hope everything works out regardless of what you two choose to do.

jackieandbilly · February 2011

Aw, I'm sorry you're dealing with that! An easy way to deal with your FMIL and also have the big wedding celebration you want after he returns is to just do a private civil ceremony with just you and him. Would you feel weird if your family wasn't there? Maybe that would be a simpler way to go- that way no one's feelings would be hurt, since no one would be included except the two of you. Might be really romantic and intimate.

And I would definitely go ahead and get your dress- you can look at it in the closet while he's gone and think about the beautiful day you have to look forward to:) Good luck with everything!!

Alice and Les · February 2011

First of all we are not getting married because of the money. We are getting married because we love each other. We are tired of waiting. We keep having to put off the date for his family and because of deployments. We told them when we first got engaged that we would marry December 22,2011. We told them that we would have places for them to stay and all they would have to pay for is their clothes and half of the flight. This December they informed us that they could not afford this date and we needed to move it. It comes out to $110 a person, and if they drove here it comes out to even less. My FMIL made a huge thing about her not being about to come up with a hundred dollars but bought each of the grandchildren a bike or an Xbox. It's agravating to watch her try and control us from Texas. Then we had to move it because of this deployment. We are tired of waiting and at least if they need more time, we are already married and can afford to live together near the base.
Our civil ceremony isn't for at 7 months. So we gave her some notice to make it here. It is in the summer so the drive from Texas isn't that bad and they all would be able to come. That is why we decided it would be okay. However she says that she will not be able to afford it. She wants us to fly her out here and we just cannot afford it with our new appartment and the car. The rest of his family was happy to hear that we were finally getting married since the date had changed so much. She is the only one giving us grief about the situation.
My FMIL already doesn't like me because I am mexican and refuse to move to Texas with my FI when he gets out of the Marine Corps. So there isn't much of a relationship to strain. I did talk to my FI about it and he would rather not have his mother there, he has always had that opinion but I convinced him that she should be there. But now it is getting ridiculous.
Why do we have to label one a "real" wedding and a "fake" one? I mean they are both real weddings. It is still two people in love and comitting to each other.

As for my dress I think I am going to have them finish it and I will just store in until the wedding. I just hope I don't gain/loss too much weight since the dress would be very difficult to alter.

We had wanted it to just be our parents and the two witnesses but my FMIL cannot afford it and my FFIL refuses to pay for her to come. I still want my parents there and his father will be there. However, I am just not comfortable once again moving this for her. Does that make me a horrible person?

shan87 · February 2011

First of all we are not getting married because of the money. We are getting married because we love each other. We are tired of waiting. We keep having to put off the date for his family and because of deployments. We told them when we first got engaged that we would marry December 22,2011. We told them that we would have places for them to stay and all they would have to pay for is their clothes and half of the flight. This December they informed us that they could not afford this date and we needed to move it. It comes out to $110 a person, and if they drove here it comes out to even less. My FMIL made a huge thing about her not being about to come up with a hundred dollars but bought each of the grandchildren a bike or an Xbox. It's agravating to watch her try and control us from Texas. Then we had to move it because of this deployment. We are tired of waiting and at least if they need more time, we are already married and can afford to live together near the base.
Our civil ceremony isn't for at 7 months. So we gave her some notice to make it here. It is in the summer so the drive from Texas isn't that bad and they all would be able to come. That is why we decided it would be okay. However she says that she will not be able to afford it. She wants us to fly her out here and we just cannot afford it with our new appartment and the car. The rest of his family was happy to hear that we were finally getting married since the date had changed so much. She is the only one giving us grief about the situation.
My FMIL already doesn't like me because I am mexican and refuse to move to Texas with my FI when he gets out of the Marine Corps. So there isn't much of a relationship to strain. I did talk to my FI about it and he would rather not have his mother there, he has always had that opinion but I convinced him that she should be there. But now it is getting ridiculous.
Why do we have to label one a "real" wedding and a "fake" one? I mean they are both real weddings. It is still two people in love and comitting to each other.

As for my dress I think I am going to have them finish it and I will just store in until the wedding. I just hope I don't gain/loss too much weight since the dress would be very difficult to alter.

We had wanted it to just be our parents and the two witnesses but my FMIL cannot afford it and my FFIL refuses to pay for her to come. I still want my parents there and his father will be there. However, I am just not comfortable once again moving this for her. Does that make me a horrible person?

-----

To me the bolded parts are contradictory. If you are getting married so you can afford to live together than you are getting married for reasons other than love. That doesn't mean you are not getting married for love but you are also getting married for additional reasons.

As far as FMIL's money its her money and she can spend it however she feels its none of your business. Yes its shitty that she will spend it on things other than getting to her son's wedding but that's her deal. You are never going to be able to force her to spend her money they way you feel she should. She earned, she can do whatever the heck she wants with it.

As for your question does this make you a horrible, I don't think it makes you a horrible person but I don't think it makes you the bigger person either. At some point you are going to have to decide how much you want to do for your ILs. From your post it seems like you are at your max. It happens.

In the end its up to you and it seems like you have made your decision.

GL!

jackieandbilly · February 2011

Sorry about all the headache! At some point, you just have to make the decision for what makes the most sense for you and your fiance. You can try to make everyone happy, but if that seems too difficult, just focus on what you need to do and be gracious to people that may have a problem with you.

I'm dealing with that, that at some point, you need to realize it's your life, you have to do what YOU need to do and what works for YOU. People might not always like it, but hopefully they will understand this is your decision and that making tough decisions like this is part of growing up and getting married! Good luck to you!

calindi · February 2011

It sounds like you have a truly difficult and unreasonable FMIL. It sounds like you've given plenty of warning, and have tried to help her out, but she's insisting on making it difficult.

I would still try to scrape together the money for her flight, if not the whole family. I'm sure between now and then you can save $150, no matter what financial situation you are in (cut back $10/week from eating out and you'll have it in 4 months). Then she really can't use the money as an excuse, and she can't paint you as the bad person in the situation. If she still chooses not to come and to try to make you feel guilty, that's her problem, and then you can put that $150 towards something for you both to enjoy on your honeymoon.

It's nice that your FI is on the same page as you. My guy has had a strained relationship with his mother for years, so I do sort of know how you feel. She wouldn't try to be manipulative, though, because she knows he would just ignore her. In an ideal world, families would be supportive and helpful. Unfortunately, that's just not how things always work out.

Good luck!

Beachy730 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-life?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:e01ae17b-34c9-46fb-9f07-093ceca3c5cfPost:b736bb08-1b2c-4d2d-9698-f2d65777a999">Re: military life</a>:
[QUOTE]Alice, it's probably best to just ignore any discussion on whether or not you should hold a civil ceremony versus waiting until after deployment. You made it perfectly clear that you WILL be holding the ceremony and you didn't ask for people's advice on that particular topic so in all fairness (and good taste) opinions really shouldn't have been offered. As for advice on what you DID ask... Are you and your FI able to set aside any money to help your in-law make it to the wedding? I would sit down and look at your finances and see what you can do to help her out. Better to swallow your pride than start out on the wrong foot this early on in your marriage. It doesn't matter if she can afford it or not. What matters is that this person will be in your life for a very very long time. If you can't afford to help her out and she still refuses to come? Send her a nice note before the ceremony letting her know she will be missed and that you look forward to having her at the wedding when your FI returns. Make sure to send her photos after from the civil ceremony too. Just don't take part in the nonsense if you can avoid it. As for the dress...I say keep it. As long as you store it correctly it'll be fine! Good luck!!!!
Posted by marcyk2110[/QUOTE]

<div>Sometimes the best advice is what you don't want to hear. Yes,she wants to get married before. She can't afford to fly her FI's family out, and she feels it would be rude to have her family there and not his. So while we could say "tell FMIL to go screw herself if she is that hard on you about it," or "it's YOUR day who cares what anyone else thinks," honestly the best advice here is just to hold off until everyone can make it. She doesn't need to listen to that advice, but that's my opinion and I'm free to give it. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, based on your second post, you need to just make the decision on how important it is to you and your FI to have her there. I do understand it's frustrating to see someone say they have no money, and then spend money on other things, but unfortunately you have no say on how anyone spends their own money. It's like when a bride complains that a BM can't afford her dress, but is going on vacation. People earn their money and they decide how to spend it. </div><div>
</div><div>Either offer to buy her plane ticket, tell her this is the date no matter what, or put the wedding off until after his deployment. You need to decide what's more important to you. None of us can decide for you if living closer to eachother for a few months is worth pissing your FMIL off forever. And yes, she will probably hold a grudge for a very long time if you purposely get married when she can't be there. To me, it wouldn't be worth it, but ultimately it's your decision to make.</div>

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