Guest List Debacle

bigjajapoof · March 2010

I'm not sure if I created a thread on this before but it's still an issue i'm fighting with and thought i'd get some fresh opinions. If you read this before sorry in advance.

I'll try to give cliff notes. Mother's side of the family is huge. Total living is 12 Aunts and Uncles. They all have kids. Total count for my mom's side of the family is roughly 50 people. Total count for my dad side is roughly 10-15. Here's the thing, pretty much out of the 50 people on my mom's side of the family I talk to none of them. Only time we talk is a random Hello of Facebook, or at a family event and even at that we rarely talk. Reason being, to put it bluntly there ghetto. Several months ago one of my cousins was getting married. At the wedding one of my other cousins was creating a scene with my cousins friend because she felt her dress was inappropriate for the wedding. It was getting to the point where my cousin was getting in the other girls face. Most of my family just sat around watching and laughing until one of my aunts mitigated the issue. I'm honestly not trying to deal with a situation like that at our wedding. My intention from the start was not to tell them I was engaged and let them find out after the wedding, but at my cousins wedding my mom went around and

I can only come up with 3 options:
1) Do not invite my mom's side of the family at all. This seems like a good approach but I fear that backlash lol. But to make things easier I really don't have to worry about akwardness because my parents won't be there anyway.
2) Only invite my Aunts and Uncles. I'm also leaning towards this, but again, there are a few cousins I would like to be there and I don't want any of my aunts or uncles feeling any type of way because I didn't invite there kids.
3) Just suck it up and invite them all. This could be an option, but we're trying to keep the guest list as close to 150 as possible since FI's parents are paying for the reception/catering.

ooodsie · March 2010

I personally have a super super tiny family, however DH had the same problem you did when we were wedding-planning. We went with inviting close aunts/uncles and only very close cousins, not second cousins, and not even every first cousin of his. If he had invited every single aunt, uncle and cousin.. it seriously would have been about 75-100 people. Instead we went with about 6 aunts and uncles and 8 cousins. It was much more manageable and ultimately we had the people who he was closest to at the wedding. I don't think distant relatives will take it personally that they arent invited.. would you be invited to their kids weddings?

nicole8586 · March 2010

Both of my parents families are huge, totally to 85 people. I have the same feelings about several of my cousins but don't want to offend any one so I am sucking it up and inviting them all.

My family has also dealt with a lot of death over the past three years so I feel better inviting every one and not causing any hard feelings.

LadyJ10 · March 2010

If you only invite Aunts and Uncles, and they know that none of your cousins are there, I would hope that they would understand that this is how you drew the line. It kind of sucks because it sounds like there are a few cousins you would like to invite. If you did invite a few cousins, would the parents of the uninvited cousins be more or less offended than if no one from that side of the family was invited at all?

Sorry, I feel like there might have been a better way to word that question.

I think that #3 isn't your best option, as it sounds like you're concerned about the whole family's ability to behave at your wedding. Especially some of those cousins.

sarsilver · March 2010

Listen. Think of it this way. If you don't talk to them in the first place then who cares if they feel insulted? Your wedding is about having the people that mean the most to you there. If you want a cousin that you are close with there then invite him/her. If the other cousin gets insulted then oh well. Just my thoughts.

nicole8586 · March 2010

For me it is not about insulting my cousins or aunt and uncle, more about my parents. My dad particularly, and he has the bigger family. I can't complain since he in contributing and I understand his reasoning.

If it wasn't for my dad I would probably stick with inviting who I am closest too. That would only cut about 15 people though!

bigjajapoof · March 2010

*ooodsie* No Kids are Invited. That was our number 1 rule from the time she said "Yes" lol

*LadyJ* I know exactly what you were trying to say because that's what I was thinking in my head as well. There are a couple cousins that i've been somewhat close with growing up because we are around the same age. I just worry that the parents of some of my cousins will feel some type of way that there kids didn't get a invite.

*Sarsilver* Me and you are both on the same wave length because I was thinking the same thing as well, but when it comes to family, I try not to disappoint to a certain degree. But I DEFINITELY feel where you're coming from.

To add a little more input on this. I was talking to my Sister-in-law about this and she reminded me about an issue my brother was going through with the exact same situation. He invited JUST the aunts and uncles and first cousins and there were alot of pissed off people. They were even pissed at where they were seated. To make matters worse, they even voiced there opinions on the wedding video that was being made.

grneyz12 · March 2010

I don't have nearly as large of a family...but I was in the same boat with not wanting to invite them all and only some. And that was what we decided to do. We only invited those we talk to. I told FI that if he hadn't met anyone by now, there was no point in having them at the wedding. The wedding should be about having your CLOSE friends and family members there to share your special day. For me, my parents will not be upset by this though because they feel the same way...especially since FI and I are paying for nearly all of the wedding. Save the dates went out several months ago and I've heard no backlash yet. But for my aunt/uncle who didn't get ALL of their kids invited...if they are pissed, I can say the same to them. I wasn't invited to their childrens [my cousins] wedding either. So I took that approach too, if I wasnt invited to theirs, they werent invited to mine.

caraellen23 · March 2010

We are in a somewhat similar situation, only with some different circumstances. In the end, we've decided to invite all of FI's aunts, uncles and cousins....knowing full well that many of them will not attend (bad blood, disinterest, travel, whatever). Our thinking was that even though you're not close....family members remember not being invited to a wedding.

That being said, there are people from my side that we're not inviting becuase we don't speak with them anymore and there is no love lost there.

LadyJ10 · March 2010

So essentially your brother went for option 3 and people were still pissed? And displayed that on the wedding video? Sounds like you can't win here!

If they're still going to be pissed even if they're all invited, I would be tempted to just not invite any of them and save yourself the hassle! Granted, that's much easier to say from sitting here in my life, as you'll be the one to deal with the fallout from your family. Good luck, this is a tough situation!

nicole8586 · March 2010

grneyz - are they first cousins your FI has never met?

grneyz12 · March 2010

Nicole -- yes first cousins. My family isn't really that close...some more than others. The two cousins I'm referencing, I was not invited to either of their weddings either. I invited my aunt/uncle and their daughter, but not their sons. Honestly, I don't even really know them that well because they never go to family things. The funny thing was -- my cousins wife just had a baby shower and I was all of a sudden invited to that. I feel that they think it'll make me change my mind to invite them or something, lol.

Bride_to_be_2011 · March 2010

I have the same problem with my dads side of the family. I figured I would invite the aunts and uncles, and some of the cousins... my mom is telling me who to invite, because I haven't seen them in so long... We do talk to my dads one brother and I just started talking to one cousin close in age to me on FB.

nicole8586 · March 2010

interesting. growing up in my South Philly Bubble we all know each other, I forget not every one is like me

For me it is a matter of different personalities and age differences so not every one is BFF.

They defiantly just want the invite! Are you going to the shower?

grneyz12 · March 2010

The shower actually already was. I did not go, because my mom, my MOH and I had a spa day set up in the morning and then we went to shop for bridesmaid dresses in the afternoon. I did send a gift off of her registry though to be nice.

I do wish I had a closer family...even on my dads side no one is really close. I really think part of it is because I come from such a dysfunctional family, lol. I know a lot of people do too but what I mean is a lot of them were drug addicts or alcoholics, etc. My parents actually were into drugs really bad too and they were both always the outcast in their families, so that might have something to do with it to. But it is what it is and I've just been determined not to have my children go through the same thing!

ooodsie · March 2010

No no I wasnt saying invite kids, I meant regarding whether or not to invite cousins - Would the aunts and uncles you're inviting expect their children (children being your age, not little kids) to invite you to their weddings when they get married? Thats how you can figure out which cousins of yours to invite.

bigjajapoof · March 2010

*ooodsie* oops, ok, I misread that. I don't think they'll be all bent out of shape about it. There is a couple I definitely want to invite only because we were the closest growing up. But the more I think about it, all my cousins will be on the "B" list with just my Aunts and Uncles getting invites. We need 150 for our venue so if we come up short then i'll start tacking them in.

Thanks ladies

ooodsie · March 2010

Good plan Poof!

angel33284 · March 2010

Simply put, if they aren't close don't invite them. If they get offended and asks why or ask your mom why, just say "Hey, we aren't close." End of story. There should never be an obligation to invite somebody just because they are related.

LadyJ10 · April 2010

Poof, sounds like a good plan. Hope we were somewhat helpful!

Angel, that is so much easier said than done in the real world of family dynamics and having to see people at family gatherings!

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