RSVPs--SERIOUSLY????

sidrab · June 2010

WTH? I am getting the RSVPS back and I have SO many people who are taking it upon themselves to ADD people to their RSVP cards. Are you SERIOUS?! To top it off, most of them have not just added 1 person, many of them have added anywhere up to FIVE!!! I would say that I have had an extra 22 people added, WITHOUT my input! We only invited 117 people because we wanted it to be an intimate affair, inviting ONLY close friends and family (aunts and uncles)... Not to mention the fact that I have a strict food and reception budget- and my husband to be is getting angrier and angrier by the minute (we are paying for it ourselves)and wonderful food and all night open bar is one of them. We are normally very generous hosts and know our limit, which is why we invited a small group.. We have clear ideas of what we want I would like to call them up and just say, NO... but not sure if its appropriate. Im ready to flip.

Any input is welcome!

RSVPs due: June 30. 116 accepted, 2 declined, 23 still waiting
Wedding: July 24, 2010

laurenclaire1386 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvps-seriously?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69e74cc2-8bf0-40e6-9021-a70daf926067Post:b16e73d9-6d8f-426b-a7cf-6f9adeb47ce4">RSVPs--SERIOUSLY????</a>:
[QUOTE]WTH? I am getting the RSVPS back and I have SO many people who are taking it upon themselves to ADD people to their RSVP cards. Are you SERIOUS?! To top it off, most of them have not just added 1 person, many of them have added anywhere up to FIVE!!! I would say that I have had an extra 22 people added, WITHOUT my input! We only invited 117 people because we wanted it to be an intimate affair, inviting ONLY close friends and family (aunts and uncles)... Not to mention the fact that I have a strict food and reception budget- and my husband to be is getting angrier and angrier by the minute (we are paying for it ourselves)and wonderful food and all night open bar is one of them. We are normally very generous hosts and know our limit, which is why we invited a small group.. We have clear ideas of what we want I would like to call them up and just say, NO... but not sure if its appropriate. Im ready to flip. Any input is welcome! RSVPs due: June 30. 116 accepted, 2 declined, 23 still waiting Wedding: July 24, 2010
Posted by sidrab[/QUOTE]
Just be nice about it, but yes, you're well within your right to call the people who RSVP'd for more and tell them you can't accomodate their extras guests for insert your reason here. Be polite.

barbbhoww · June 2010

If your at 116 and have only 23 missing, relax.

Take a chill pill.

Maybe cancel the wedding. It is just NOT worth it!

emarston1 · June 2010

A few things -

1. 117 people is not an intimate affair.
2. Did you address the invite to a specific person or to "The Smith Family"?
3. If you addressed the invitation correctly (ie only to those invited rather than a blanket invite), you simply call the person and say that unfortunately you are unable to accomodate any extra people.

Yes it's frustrating, but it happens to everyone. Good luck.

frenchy730 · June 2010

You don't have to allow them to bring extra guests. It is rude of them to assume they are allowed to do so. Just give them a call and let them know that the invitation was for ______ and _______ only and that you just can't accomodate extra people, even though you'd like to. Many people just plain don't understand that inviting guests who are not invited is a faux-pas. I bet they will be just fine with your response.

laurenclaire1386 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvps-seriously?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69e74cc2-8bf0-40e6-9021-a70daf926067Post:da959685-ea90-47ca-bf6f-6256fa5a19c9">Re: RSVPs--SERIOUSLY????</a>:
[QUOTE]A few things - 1. 117 people is not an intimate affair. 2. Did you address the invite to a specific person or to "The Smith Family"? 3. If you addressed the invitation correctly (ie only to those invited rather than a blanket invite), you simply call the person and say that unfortunately you are unable to accomodate any extra people. Yes it's frustrating, but it happens to everyone. Good luck.
Posted by emarston1[/QUOTE]
Yeah that part too. I assumed you addressed the invites correctly.

salt78 · June 2010

First...calm down. This is not the end of the world.

Yes it is rude for people to assume that they can just bring all these extra folks. If you are trying to keep your wedding small and stick to a budget, call these people and CALMLY tell them that. They are just going to have to understand.

DFaught · June 2010

I just had a huge meltdown about this not more than a 1/2 hour ago. We've had a couple people do the same thing, though not as dramatic as five extra, on top of people not returning the damn rsvp cards or even bothering to call or anything. The past 3 weeks have been nothing but phone tag for my FI's side of the family.

And hell yea I'd call them up and say no. I've read other posts and I'm pretty sure most people would say to call them up (or have your FI call whichever the case may be) and let them know that you're budgeted for a certain amount of people and can't go over that number.

andy71781 · June 2010

OP please tell us how you invited these people. I'm worried that you just addressed it to the Smith family because adding 5 guests is much different than the normal +1 that people typically add.

Simply Fated · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvps-seriously?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69e74cc2-8bf0-40e6-9021-a70daf926067Post:b16e73d9-6d8f-426b-a7cf-6f9adeb47ce4">RSVPs--SERIOUSLY????</a>:
[QUOTE]WTH? I am getting the RSVPS back and I have SO many people who are taking it upon themselves to ADD people to their RSVP cards. Are you SERIOUS?! To top it off, most of them have not just added 1 person, many of them have added anywhere up to FIVE!!! I would say that I have had an extra 22 people added, WITHOUT my input! We only invited 117 people because we wanted it to be an intimate affair, inviting ONLY close friends and family (aunts and uncles)... Not to mention the fact that I have a strict food and reception budget- and my husband to be is getting angrier and angrier by the minute (we are paying for it ourselves)and wonderful food and all night open bar is one of them. We are normally very generous hosts and know our limit, which is why we invited a small group.. We have clear ideas of what we want I would like to call them up and just say, NO... but not sure if its appropriate. Im ready to flip. Any input is welcome! RSVPs due: June 30. 116 accepted, 2 declined, 23 still waiting Wedding: July 24, 2010
Posted by sidrab[/QUOTE]

awww, hun, breathe and then pour yourself a drink.
Definitely make sure you addressed those envelopes properly (Mr. and Mrs. Smith and NOT The Smith Family). And then make those phone calls.

GreenPepperBurger · June 2010

117 is not an intimate affair. That's actually pretty standard. But yeah, assuming you addressed the invite to the precise people you wanted to invite, you can definitely call them up: "Thank you so much for RSVPing. Unfortunately, I can only accomodate _____ and _____ due to our budget. I hope you'll still be able to come."

sidrab · June 2010

#1- For us 117 IS pretty intimate, this is a second marriage for us and we alone have 5 children together....I have 21 aunts and uncles, 100% of whom live within 50 miles!

#2- Yes, I did address them correctly. For example, we had decided that we had to draw the line at aunts and uncles, not inviting any cousins, period. So I did address them specifically, Mike and Shelly Smith, (who might I add, added their 4 children to the rsvp). One of my aunts, adressed to Tina and Don White, invited her daughter and husband and thier 2 kids (and added that, "even though Alex is only 10, he eats alot, so get him the adult meal" **a $33.00 plate vs. $8.00 plate) AND today just told me about 2 foster children that she needs to add..... (maybe why it came to a head for me!)

#3- barbbhow- maybe you are burnt out to make such a silly comment, to "maybe just cancel the wedding".

And yesss.... a drink does sound good about now.

lauralaur · June 2010

Sounds like you've got some awkward phone calls to make, my friend. Polite but firm, always polite but firm.

mags0607 · June 2010

It sounds like your family is trying to add people because they don't like the fact that you are trying to keep the wedding on the smaller side, and that their children were not included. And while I don't think 117 is necessarily "Small" I know it would have been impossible for us to get to that number with the amount of family I have.

I think at this pont you do need to call up your two family members and politely explain to them, that because of the size of your wedding and your budget, infortunately you kept the guestlist to your closest family members, and because of that, you cannot accomodate their children, and that you cannot wait to see the TWO of them at the wedding.

forrma7 · June 2010

i dont think it really matters at all what a big or small wedding is, or who is offended or why.

because you addressed your invites properly, then you have the right to enforce your guest list. in a polite, loving way of course

good luck! i'm sorry people were being rude and adding uninvited people!

melissamc2 · June 2010

It's all rude of them, but the fact that one told you exactly what size meal to order for a 10 year old is just too much.

Yes, make the calls and explain the situation - which is kind of "you can't invite people to an event that isn't your own."

Good luck. Being at 116 for a 117 invitation wedding, with 23 replies still out, IS distressing.

KentuckyKate · June 2010

This happens to all of us, I promise you. You have two options. Either suck it up and pay for the extras, or cowboy up and make the uncomfortable phone calls.

Also, teaching moment: Every one of you who used the word "accommodate" spelled it wrong. Accommodate can accommodate two C's and two M's.

katiewhompus · June 2010

It seems you did all you could, so just make the phone calls and be firm but polite. Be prepared for the guest who is going to say "Well if X can't come neither can I" and just respond "I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope you reconsider, but thank you for understanding our guest limits" (or something)

karmellah · June 2010

im just putting ___ of 4 or _____ of 2 on my rsvps. dont care if its not nice. shoe string budget.

JennaV26 · June 2010

That sucks, I'd definitely be stressed out. Just call them and explain the situation. Most people will understand but if not, maybe they'll be so offended they won't come which will help with the guest count. And I say that dead seriously as I'm having RSVP problems as well and am starting to hope that some people just don't come!!!!!

thesuninherhead · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvps-seriously?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:69e74cc2-8bf0-40e6-9021-a70daf926067Post:b16e73d9-6d8f-426b-a7cf-6f9adeb47ce4">RSVPs--SERIOUSLY????</a>:
[QUOTE]WTH? I am getting the RSVPS back and I have SO many people who are taking it upon themselves to ADD people to their RSVP cards. Are you SERIOUS?! To top it off, most of them have not just added 1 person, many of them have added anywhere up to FIVE!!! I would say that I have had an extra 22 people added, WITHOUT my input! We only invited 117 people because we wanted it to be an intimate affair, inviting ONLY close friends and family (aunts and uncles)... Not to mention the fact that I have a strict food and reception budget- and my husband to be is getting angrier and angrier by the minute (we are paying for it ourselves)and wonderful food and all night open bar is one of them. We are normally very generous hosts and know our limit, which is why we invited a small group.. We have clear ideas of what we want I would like to call them up and just say, NO... but not sure if its appropriate. Im ready to flip. Any input is welcome! RSVPs due: June 30. 116 accepted, 2 declined, 23 still waiting Wedding: July 24, 2010
Posted by sidrab[/QUOTE] Question: does your 'accepted' count include those who you didn't invite? I'm presuming so, but for a second I read that as though you have invited 116 plus the extras you're still awaiting and was highly confused. In any case, as others have said, I think you need to call them and let them know that the invitation was for those listed only. It's awkward but necessary.

squirrly · June 2010

"We're so flattered that Jane, John and their children are excited to celebrate with us. Unfortunately, we're just not able to accommodate everyone we would like to be able to invite. We hope that you and Tim will still be able to join us, but if you have a family obligation and can't attend without Jane & John, we'll miss you, but we understand."

Change names as necessary.

sidrab · June 2010

Yes, thesun... that was everyone, even the ones we didnt invite, thats why I am getting a little worried- if I am already nearly over the invited amount, what are the remaining 23 going to do, how many will they add? JINKIES!!!

Anyway, you have all given me WONDERFUL feedback and my anxiety level over contacting these people has dropped tremendously! You are right, I just have to bite the bullet and tell people that they cant come. With tact of course!

Also, I was thinking that I wouldnt start to make the calls until AFTER the RSVP deadline... in all truuthfullness, the FIRST RSVP that I got back had people added. I didnt addss it then because I thought that it may not turn ot to be that big of a deal if we recieved some regrets... you know, it would all even out in the end. I really was hoping that there WOULD be room for the extras. But now that it is so far out of control, I realize that there will NOT be room for the extras, so I have to make the calls.

Anyway, maybe when I call tem I could add that, "we were hoping that once all of the RSVPs were recieved, we would find that there was room for the extras but that is nt the case...." or something like that??

TheCranberry · June 2010

"even though Alex is only 10, he eats alot, so get him the adult meal"

This is just too much. I can't believe someone thought that was okay.

JenMon514 · June 2010

This happened to me and I was just as stressed out. My FI's family is from Nigeria, where it is customary to not have a assigned seating, they have a buffet and no real guest list. Everyone is welcome. Not on my dime they're not. But we would very cleary invite a couple and they'd reply that 7 people were coming and no one wrote which meal they wanted. They just didn't get the whole assigned seating, plated meal thing. And FI sister said her 3 year old likes to be a big boy, so he'd have the $100 prime rib. REALLY? Just try not to let it get to you...some people just don't get it! Just call them and like a previous poster said, polite but firm!!! very firm!

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