Thanks

egllenza · December 2011

Totally understand and apologized.

banana468 · December 2011

Honestly, I don't really see that you're being laid back. You want them to go shopping and you want the right to veto what they shop for. You want them to have their hair and makeup professionally done AND you want them to pay for it?! AND you want to call the shots with HOW they wear their hair?

Please tell me where the laid back part is because based on your original post, I'm just not seeing it.

PLEASE back off. You can veto the dress choice but the hair and makeup are their choice. Even if it's professionally done, it's their body and they get to choose how to wear their hair and makeup.

It's understandable to want a vision but I think you're losing sight of the big picture and may lose some friends in the process. Relax and let them choose how they want to wair their hair and makeup. And if you do want the hair and makeup professionally done, if it's not an option (which I don't like at all) then it needs to be out of your pocket - period.

egllenza · December 2011

I did let them choose their dresses. I didn't veto any of them. I also paid for the makeup artist for everyone, and have offered to pay for the hair. The other two BMs said they were ok with paying for the hair (which isn't going to be expensive since no one wants elaborate updos).

The money doesn't seem to be the issue. My MOH isn't paying for her dress, she's not paying for the makeup, and she's not paying for the hair. She paid for the shoes, which were only $30

I suppose if I'm not being laid back, then that's fine, but I was trying to be nice about it and get input on what the girls wanted so that we could work together for something that we all like. I'm not wavering on professional hair and makeup, and that's been clear since she agreed to be in the wedding. Again, I'm paying for that.

banana468 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-drama-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ad87dd5b-ac2d-4d76-9587-35dec3c8650ePost:94388bef-3e19-49c7-8f29-91109f8f0f31">Re: MOH drama -Long</a>:
[QUOTE]I did let them choose their dresses. I didn't veto any of them. I also paid for the makeup artist for everyone, and have offered to pay for the hair. The other two BMs said they were ok with paying for the hair (which isn't going to be expensive since no one wants elaborate updos). The money doesn't seem to be the issue. My MOH isn't paying for her dress, she's not paying for the makeup, and she's not paying for the hair. She paid for the shoes, which were only $30 I suppose if I'm not being laid back, then that's fine, but I was trying to be nice about it and get input on what the girls wanted so that we could work together for something that we all like. I'm not wavering on professional hair and makeup, and that's been clear since she agreed to be in the wedding. Again, I'm paying for that.
Posted by egllenza[/QUOTE]

Then let it be the way she wants. You're wanting a lot of control over PEOPLE. Relax and realize that you can't control it all.

em01092 · December 2011

It's fine to want your WP members to have their hair and makeup done as long as you pay, which doesn't seem to be the issue. I just think you don't realize how controlling you are coming across. I'm sorry to say that you are actually sort of far from laid back.

Laid back= I told my BMs to pick their own dress as long as it was petunia (AA color) and knee length. I didn't have to "approve" them, because if you give them parameters, then that defeats the purpose IMO. I also told them professional hair/makeup was optional, because they all know how to make themselves look nice on their own and I don't have the money to pay for everyone's services. Shoes are also their choice, just preferably something neutral colored.

I doubt your BMs will show up in fuschia eyeliner and purple lipstick with a high side pony, you know? I'd just let them do their own hair/makeup and call it a day. Is it really worth all of this? Trust me, no one will give two craps about how the BMs hair look or how they go with the neckline. And is your "vision" worth your friendships?

Now, I can see why you'd be bummed if you envisioned everyone getting ready together. To remedy this, I would suggest having the hairstylist and makeup artist come to you, like in the bridal room of your venue, your hotel room, the church, wherever you want to get ready. That way, the girls who are having professional services can still be in the same vicinity as those who are not and yall can still chat and have a good time.

kmmssg · December 2011

Banana is incredibly wise here and you should listen to her. If I were a MOH and the bride was micromanaging my appearance the way you are trying to she would likely get a rather rude text from me like you got from your MOH. You are MICROMANAGING their appearance and that is the hallmark of a bridezilla, not a laid back bride. Laid back brides let their maids take care of their appearance and keep their mouths shut on that.

StephBeanWed61502 · December 2011

Seriously, you are being a drama queen here - it's HER hair, whoever is paying for it, and she gets to have her hair done in a way that SHE is comfortable with. Get over it. (And if you were really being "laid back," you wouldn't give a crap how she wears her hair, so stop pretending you're trying to be easygoing about all of this.)

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2011

Banana's wisdom has a lot of a-peel.

=-D

jagore08 · December 2011

I'm going to give you the best piece of advice to help you get through the rest of your planning process. Ready, here it goes:

If it does not stop you and your FI from saying "I do" then it's not worth the stress.

Honestly, I would just say, "Friend, I love the dress you chose and I think that your hair will look great however you decide to style it." Then let it go. It's not worth the headache.

egllenza · December 2011

I really wasn't trying to control her. I think your advice is valid. I'm simply very hurt by the fact that she exploded on me. All I wanted to express during my conversation with her was that I think her hair should showcase the pretty neckline on her dress and that I was sure if we talked we could come to an agreement. Something that she liked, that also didn't hide that detail of the dress. I had and still have every intention of hearing her out and listening to what she wants to do.

If it was her day, and she wanted me to wear a pink tutu and an umbrella on my head, I would do it, if that's what she wants for her wedding (especially if she's offering to foot the bill). But she seems like she doesn't even want to hear me out. She asks me what I want, then gets mad when I try to tell her. She gets mad so I try to find a compromise that works for both of us, and I still get told to screw myself. This isn't the first time this has happened. I guess it was just the breaking point. She's hammered me about all kinds of wedding related decisions (from practically demanding an open bar - which at the time we weren't sure we could afford, to tellig me where she wants to sit, to giving me grief about the fact that it's a semiformal event (bc her bf only wears jeans and t-shirts).

I'm just really tired of this. She's the only one fighting.

jagore08 · December 2011

If you really are tired of this and she's the only one fighting, then don't rehash it with her. Do what I said earlier and just tell her that you really like the dress she picked and her hair will be pretty however she decides to style it.

em01092 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-drama-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ad87dd5b-ac2d-4d76-9587-35dec3c8650ePost:d4d821d1-4f98-4477-86fd-107f4d534e92">Re: MOH drama -Long</a>:
[QUOTE]I really wasn't trying to control her. I think your advice is valid. I'm simply very hurt by the fact that she exploded on me. All I wanted to express during my conversation with her was that I think her hair should showcase the pretty neckline on her dress and that I was sure if we talked we could come to an agreement. Something that she liked, that also didn't hide that detail of the dress. I had and still have every intention of hearing her out and listening to what she wants to do. <strong> If it was her day, and she wanted me to wear a pink tutu and an umbrella on my head, I would do it, if that's what she wants for her wedding (especially if she's offering to foot the bill).</strong> But she seems like she doesn't even want to hear me out. She asks me what I want, then gets mad when I try to tell her. She gets mad so I try to find a compromise that works for both of us, and I still get told to screw myself. This isn't the first time this has happened. I guess it was just the breaking point. She's hammered me about all kinds of wedding related decisions (from p<strong>ractically demanding an open bar - which at the time we weren't sure we could afford, to tellig me where she wants to sit, to giving me grief about the fact that it's a semiformal event</strong> (bc her bf only wears jeans and t-shirts). I'm just really tired of this. She's the only one fighting.
Posted by egllenza[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ok, try to switch your viewpoint on this: it ceases to become the B&G's day when they decide to involve others. When you (general you, not accusing you personally) invite guests or ask people to be in your WP, then you need to consider those people's feelings. If you truly want it to be all about you, elope. So I would not wear something I didn't like or something that I didn't feel comfortable in, even if I wasn't paying, and I would hope my closest friends would get that. </div><div>
</div><div>Now, most of these things toward the end I bolded are wrong on her part. She should not demand an open bar or the formality of the occasion. That you can rightfully be miffed about. However, as for where she wants to sit, are you wanting a head table where she would be separate from her SO? Because if you are, IMO, she has every reason to be upset about that and may be trying to change your mind. It's rude to split up people from their dates. I have no idea how or why head tables became popular. </div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

KellyBrian2013 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-drama-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ad87dd5b-ac2d-4d76-9587-35dec3c8650ePost:d4d821d1-4f98-4477-86fd-107f4d534e92">Re: MOH drama -Long</a>:
[QUOTE]I really wasn't trying to control her. I think your advice is valid. I'm simply very hurt by the fact that she exploded on me. All I wanted to express during my conversation with her was that I think her hair should showcase the pretty neckline on her dress and that I was sure if we talked we could come to an agreement. Something that she liked, that also didn't hide that detail of the dress. I had and still have every intention of hearing her out and listening to what she wants to do. If it was her day, and she wanted me to wear a pink tutu and an umbrella on my head, I would do it, if that's what she wants for her wedding (especially if she's offering to foot the bill). But she seems like she doesn't even want to hear me out. She asks me what I want, then gets mad when I try to tell her. She gets mad so I try to find a compromise that works for both of us, and I still get told to screw myself. <strong>This isn't the first time this has happened. I</strong> guess it was just the breaking point. She's hammered me about all kinds of wedding related decisions <strong>(from practically demanding an open bar - which at the time we weren't sure we could afford, to tellig me where she wants to sit, to giving me grief about the fact that it's a semiformal event (bc her bf only wears jeans and t-shirts).</strong> I'm just really tired of this. She's the only one fighting.
Posted by egllenza[/QUOTE]

Was she like this before the wedding? Because you can't expect people to change just because you're getting married. If she wasn't like this before the wedding, perhaps she's "wedding-ed out"; what have you done with her lately that <em>doesn't</em> involve the wedding or talk about it.

As for the other bolded part: stop sharing details with her. She can't "hammer you about decisions" if you aren't sharing those decision with her.

Let her know when she needs to have the dress by. Tell her that you can pay for her hair/makeup if she wants to get it done, but that it's her choice and she can style it however she wants... and then let it go. Seriously.

Is a hairstyle really worth losing your friendship over?

egllenza · December 2011

No, I didn't want to separate people from their dates, so I wasn't planning on having a head table. I was thinking a sweetheart table. She was even trying to say who she would and wouldn't be ok with having at her table.

egllenza · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-drama-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ad87dd5b-ac2d-4d76-9587-35dec3c8650ePost:57fce398-6cd6-48cb-b521-268774ddbc69">Re: MOH drama -Long</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH drama -Long : Was she like this before the wedding? Because you can't expect people to change just because you're getting married. If she wasn't like this before the wedding, perhaps she's "wedding-ed out"; what have you done with her lately that doesn't involve the wedding or talk about it. <strong>As for the other bolded part: stop sharing details with her. She can't "hammer you about decisions" if you aren't sharing those decision with her.</strong> Let her know when she needs to have the dress by. Tell her that you can pay for her hair/makeup if she wants to get it done, but that it's her choice and she can style it however she wants... and then let it go. Seriously. Is a hairstyle really worth losing your friendship over?
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

<div>She would ask me about these decisions and when I'd answer then she'd go in on what she thought I needed to do and why. </div><div>
</div><div>Done with the hairstyle. Talking it out has helped. </div>

StephBeanWed61502 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-drama-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ad87dd5b-ac2d-4d76-9587-35dec3c8650ePost:cc2914fa-497e-4576-9984-2745225d1a24">Re: MOH drama -Long</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH drama -Long : She would ask me about these decisions and when I'd answer <strong>then she'd go in on what she thought I needed to do and why. </strong> Done with the hairstyle. Talking it out has helped.
Posted by egllenza[/QUOTE]

<div>Here is how you handle this:</div><div>
</div><div>Friend: So, egilenza, have you decided on a band yet?</div><div>You: Actually, we're going with a DJ.</div><div>Friend: A DJ?! But DJs are the worst!!! They're so cheesy! Why don't you have a band? You really need to get a band. I know the perfect band.</div><div>You: Thanks for the input. Have you seen the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother?</div><div>Friend: But YOU NEED A BAND. YOU CAN'T HAVE A DJ. DJs ARE THE WORST.</div><div>You: Barney is such a funny character - I think he's my favorite. Robin kind of gets on my nerves though.</div><div>Friend: BAND?!?!?!?!?!!!!!SDFAFSF </div><div>You: And that scene between Marshall and Lily, it was so cute, right?</div>

KellyBrian2013 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-drama-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ad87dd5b-ac2d-4d76-9587-35dec3c8650ePost:cc2914fa-497e-4576-9984-2745225d1a24">Re: MOH drama -Long</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH drama -Long : <strong>She would ask me about these decisions and when I'd answer then she'd go in on what she thought I needed to do and why. </strong>Done with the hairstyle. Talking it out has helped.
Posted by egllenza[/QUOTE]

It takes two to engage in a conversation.

MOH: So what kind of flowers have you decided to use?
You: You know, we haven't actually made a final decision yet. Did you see that episode of Sons of Anarchy last night?!

MOH: I only want to sit with X, Y, and Z at my table and you should make sure that no one else winds up sitting there with me.
You: FI and I will take that into consideration when we work on seating arrangements. Have you tried this bean dip?

Just don't engage in answering her questions. Be vague. She can't "hammer you" on specifics if you don't give them to her.

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-drama-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ad87dd5b-ac2d-4d76-9587-35dec3c8650ePost:6d4d642c-b6b9-4160-9f45-856636248a5e">Thanks</a>:
[QUOTE]Totally understand and apologized.
Posted by egllenza[/QUOTE]

<div>FYI, it's rude to delete your original post. Other brides search these board for advice - you've just deprived somebody of the opportunity to learn from your mistake. In the future, you should really leave your posts up.</div>

LittleMissCutiePie · January 2012

Don't delete your posts. It's so rude. Learn from your mistakes and move on, don't try and cover it up.

MairePoppy · January 2012

You do not have a right to tell someone what to put on her face, even if you are paying for it. Some of us are very particular about skin products. I had professional makeup done once and it took a very long time for my skin to recover from the experience.

em01092 · January 2012

Up until the DD, I thought OP was handling everything really well.

Thanks

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