Second Weddings

Miss Manners on "Real Weddings"

Does anything strike you as strange in the following letters?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The son of a friend got married somewhat hastily last year. A few weeks later, there was a small party at their home, and I brought a gift. Now, they are planning a real wedding of the elegant sort. I am in a quandary about whether another gift is in order.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and her husband are wanting to renew their vows for their 10-year anniversary. They never had a “wedding,” so I wanted to know if it is proper for them to have a real wedding with the dress, cake, bridesmaids and all?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My oldest son just got married by the justice of the peace. They were planning a wedding next year, but they are now expecting and needed my daughter-in-law to have insurance. She wanted a real wedding, but my mother said it isn’t proper to have a ceremony after the baby is born. If it isn’t, then so be it — she and the baby are more important. Please advise me in this very important decision in my life.

What struck Miss Manners was the apparent understanding, in this and similar letters she has received, of what constitutes a “real wedding.”

That big white dresses and bridesmaids are associated with weddings is not surprising, although these are not essential. Many a bride has had a real and charming wedding wearing something more to her own taste, and not every one chooses to be attended by a bevy of female friends.

But apparently the act of getting married is no longer considered an essential part of a “real wedding.” In such letters, the couple has already been married in a ceremony that, although legal, did not meet their definition of being real. A real wedding need be only a re-enactment of the actual ceremony, provided it is done lavishly.

We are not talking about a civil ceremony followed, in short order, by a ceremonial religious blessing. Rather, these Gentle Readers are making a distinction between the act of contracting marriage and that of putting on a showy entertainment, with the idea that the first is not the real thing unless accompanied by the second.

Now, Miss Manners has no wish to be an old meanie who disapproves of celebrating marriages and anniversaries, however lavishly one wants and can afford. Parties in honor of a newly married couple can be held practically up until the time they start celebrating anniversaries.

But for a married couple to pretend that they are getting married? And possibly to play with the feelings of their guests, who thought that they were witnessing people actually being married?

Even that doesn’t bother Miss Manners as much as the sad realization that “real,” in regard to something as important as marriage, has come to mean extravagant and fake.

Re: Miss Manners on "Real Weddings"

  • edited December 2011
    I saw that this morning.  I laughed and thought how some knotties would rip them up.
    C+D, Four kids, two kids-in-law, four grandkids
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well, you know what I always say ... if you have to get a divorce in order to marry someone else, then whatever you had was a "real" wedding.  Tongue out
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If Miss Manners were here with me, I'd tongue kiss her.  That's what I've been saying all along!!!!!  And why it makes me so angry when people describe the wedding DH and I had and then claim their wedding wasn't real.  BLAH!!!  
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • fireytigerfireytiger member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well, my wedding was not in any way a large or lavish affair. It looked lovely and both DH and I were happy with everything. But we'd strongly considered getting married without all the pomp and circumstance, in a simple affair with just a couple of family members in attendance. We ended up not doing so because I didn't want to exclude my family members who were out of state, but it would have been just as meaningful. The thing that made it meaningful to us was saying our vows to each other before God and the people we loved, not the pretty dresses and flowers and such.
  • clp01usaclp01usa member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I asked my FH what type of wedding he wanted.  He said something that would make us happy and we'd be proud of. 
  • edited December 2011
    Handfast - the first second I read the column yesterday morning it was you I thought of!  It's reaffirming to hear one of the etiquette gurus support what our collective wisdom has been telling people right along.

    I am not sure of the etiquette of tongue kissing the etiquette maven, however.  Tongue out
  • edited December 2011
    Can we make this a sticky? 

    please?

    pretty please??

    And is it wrong that I'm now thinking about Handfast tongue kissing miss Manners? 
    HAWT!  Wink
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You guys are too funny.  What would the name of the film be of Miss Manners and Me kissing?  Handmanners?  Miss Manners does Hand? Fast on the Manners?  
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • 2dBride2dBride member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_miss-manners-real-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:cb7dd783-d6ca-44a5-9ae8-8045e866acd7Post:b3fb08bc-0073-4ec7-82c6-3158cfe14b12">Re: Miss Manners on "Real Weddings"</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, you know what I always say ... if you have to get a divorce in order to marry someone else, then whatever you had was a "real" wedding. 
    Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]The lawyer in me requires that I say that is it possible to have a common-law marriage, from which you would need a divorce in order to marry someone else, without having had a wedding ("real" or otherwise) at all.

    But I do agree with your main point.  NotFroofy and I had a very small wedding ceremony, and neither of us feels like we need a redo.
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