AW Friday

raangoli · June 2011

Is anyone out there? Or am I talking to myself

Anyone have anything to AW today?

I guess the only thing I have that would remotely count is that my birthday is on Monday. Yahoo for being another year older and moving closer to my mid-30's. Don't all be jealous at once, hah!

Priya310 · June 2011

i hate to ask, but what does AW stand for? i tried looking it up but i didn’t see anything on the abbreviation list.

HisBelovedOne · June 2011

AW = Attention Whore

I don't have anything this week. It's been a busy week, with family reunion at Disney from Sunday to Wednesday. We got back Wednesday night, and the family's here till Sunday afternoon.

temurlang · June 2011

We might have a new apartment! We've applied and are waiting to hear back from them. It's 2 bedroom, so DH can have an office and my ILs can be stowed behind a closed door. It's much bigger than our current place, so I think it will be easier to keep organized and in general much more liveable.

I also got a call last night for a phone interview today. Going to get prepping now.

jsleik · June 2011

I have good news!! Fresh word from Kolkata today - my future in-laws got their visas!!! Phew!!! They were nervous, which made us nervous, but sounds like everything went really well!

raangoli · June 2011

@beloved - I hope you had fun at the reunion! I bet you're happy to be home though.

@tem - fingers crossed that everything works out for the apartment! hopefully it also has AC!

@jsleik - that's awesome about the visas! when will they be coming in?

jsleik · June 2011

@Raangoli, they are going to be here Aug 17 - Oct 3. Our wedding here is Oct 1 and then we're going to Kolkata in Jan for the wedding there. They have never been to the US and we've never met. Do you have any advice? I'm particularly worried about them being bored (they can't drive, we work from home) and food. My FI doesn't eat Indian all the time and can get sick of it when I do, but he is expecting they will not want to eat non-Indian much.

I think everyone is so anxious to all like each other that we're starting out right. I just want to make sure I do everything I can to keep it that way!

temurlang · June 2011

Raangoli -- no AC, no washer/drier, no hardwood floors, and only 1 parking space. BUT, it is way bigger than where we are now with 2 bedrooms so DH can have a workspace and my ILs can be a little less under foot AND we are within budget. It's also in a "better" town next to our current one, so it should be quieter but with the same amenities. And we did get it! We're planning to move on the 16th!

And Happy Birthday!

JSleik -- My ILs live 3 hours by train from Kolkata. Do you and your FI already live together? We did, so I met my ILs for the first time when they came to stay in my home for 6 weeks. It was really tough, although I'm sure a lot depends on the individuals involved. Your concerns about the food and boredom are well-founded, and those are both problems we have.

Food: My MIL has an eating disorder and both my ILs really only like Bengali food. In our area, this is absolutely unavailable in restaurants, and even the ingredients are hard to get. I cook Punjabi food mostly and they won't eat it. My MIL hates cooking, but likes to take over the food, so when they visit she throws out anything we have at home and makes a huge production about how DH is starving to death (he's 30 pounds overweight) and she is "forced" to feed him. We haven't really solved the food problem. Also, just so you know, Thai food seems to be palatable to Bengalis.

Boredom: A big one! A lot of Indian parents have misinformed expectations about the lifestyle here. They think that their son will stay home when they visit and hang out and people will come over all the time. We live in a suburb and we don't have any friends close by, plus people are either at work or raising their kids and aren't going to drop in for tea. My ILs really have a hard time entertaining themselves. If you can get satellite with the "South Asian" package, that might help (if you can stand having the TV on while you work from home).

My MIL doesn't have hobbies, so she doesn't read or knit or anything that would help pass the time. Your FI should let them know to bring things like that if they have something.

Some other issues that we have:

Most middle class Indians are used to having household help. My MIL doesn't understand that there is no one to wipe up what she spills, do her laundry, or run errands for her. She doesn't understand why I'm tired and irritated and the house is out of hand.

People have more relaxed schedules in India, so my ILs don't really get that DH might not come home at a certain time, or why we need to shower and leave at a certain time. They also sleep during the day, so they are up at 5:00 to have tea (meaning we are also up at 5:00, but with no opportunity to nap later). This area has pretty horrendous commute times, which they also don't really get.

This probably is individual rather than cultural, but my ILs have no concept of money. They think everyone in the US is rolling in money. The first time they came they spent $10K! And my FIL asked us to move to a worse apartment! After that first shock, DH has more or less controlled them closely and kept things in check.

Some ILs can be restrictive. Mine don't like me to go out on my own or talk on the phone. This is where your FI has to intervene, if it's an issue. I also learned that the one place they're fine with me going is the gym, so every time I want to go out I say I'm going to the gym lol!

jsleik · June 2011

Thanks for the advice Temurlang!!

We do live together in a 2-bedroom, 1-bath house. It is in the city, but in a very residential area, so not close to anything. Thanks for your take on things. I have prepped a bit, but if anyone has any advice on how to handle any of the following, I'm all desperate ears!!!

FOOD: The food worries me because I'm not Indian, so I'm learning EVERYTHING right now. My FI is great about it and appreciates that I try, but laughs at the combinations I come up with since I'm not bound by region, meal type, "main dish"/"side dish" requirements. I'm perfectly happy mixing roadside snacks with breakfast foods. :-) But I don't think they'll be so understanding. Also, I hear that my FMIL doesn't really like to cook, but my FFIL does. They have help, but I don't think full-time, but I'm still worried about them turning my bright white kitchen bright yellow. Not really, but my FI already warned me this will be an issue since they don't worry about tumeric stains. On the plus side, they think my FI needs to lose weight, so maybe that will work in my favor. And we do have some Indian grocery stores near us, but no Bengali restaurants. I just know I can't do 6 weeks of pure Indian food.

BOREDOM: This is my biggest, biggest worry. We have Netflix and I want to add an Indian package onto our cable. Apparently, they have no hobbies and do not watch TV. I'm not really sure what they do when tney aren't working, but I'm worried, they won't be doing whatever that is when they come. I think my FMIL might like to shop and we are close to the Mall of America, but good warning on the money issues!! I don't think they'll expect anyone to drop by (but who knows!!!) because my FI doesn't have any Bengali friends in town. I have some Bengladeshi and Indian friends, but they wouldn't know his parents (although are already offering to come over for dinner to help on the entertainment front).

SCHEDULES: I know they get up super early too! Do we maybe unknowlingly share in-laws?? But they do worry about fatigue and stressing out. Maybe by seeing us work, they will be more clued into that we're working hectic lives. But I'm guessing it will be more like when my mom comes to visit. She loves that I own my own business and work from home, but is so frustrated that I insist on doing that when *she* is around. :-)

The restrictive part will be interesting too. His mom works out of the home, so I'm getting the idea she is not typical in that respect. But I don't want to assume too much either.

Oh, the other concern I have - SPACE! I do like my personal space and our house is small. Has that been an issue for anyone?

Has anyone else figured out ways to make everyone reasonably happy? I've heard that once you have kids, it gets easier because they are totally taken with the kids, but I don't have that right now!! They do sound like genuinely lovely people, but I'm still scared!!

Thanks!

temurlang · June 2011

Ummmm... your FI is 100% spot on about the kitchen! I am part Scandinavian, so my housekeeping standard is high (bordering on neurotic according to DH). What my ILs do to our home and the kitchen especially reduces me to tears. Not only are turmeric stains not an issue to them, MIL actually cuts directly on the counter, so now it has knife marks. She also destroyed a food processor and a skillet. When they visit I can hardly bring myself to look into the kitchen, it's such a disaster.

I'm also not Indian and learned Punjabi cooking because the main cookbook author, Madhur Jaffrey, is Punjabi, and because I've eaten the food and know what it's supposed to taste like. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a reliable cookbook for Bengali food. I would suggest that you plan on cooking whatever you normally have. Probably your ILs will want to take over. If you're okay with them controlling the food and using the kitchen, then let them because it provides an activity. You can even try to learn some dishes from them. Also, my ILs really don't like opening windows (and we live in an apartment), and I have to force them to because the smell will stick to things like coats. We eat Indian food most of the time, but MIL likes to cook really oily stuff and I can't digest it most of the time. You can have "work meetings" at lunch time and go get a sandwich. I try to get away with eating just rice at dinner and then have a power bar in the bedroom.

Probably this isn't cultural, but more individual, but MIL is VERY destructive. If you have anything out or anything like fine china, my MIL will want to use it, break it, and not be sorry. Your FILs might not be like that at all, but your FI probably won't know either way.

Definitely have your friends come over, They don't need to be Indian (unless there's a language issue)... we had a lot of success with a Chinese friend entertaining my ILs. As far as how they act about you working from home vs. entertaining them, hard to say. MIL wouldn't get that at all. FIL would understand DH working at home, but they don't really think I should work at all. I had a phone interview while they were visiting and they had the TV on and kept talking. You have more space than we do, so that will help.

Personal space! LOL! Be really firm on that one. That concept doesn't exist for my ILs. I've had DH intervene a number of times on that. Once we set boundaries, they seem to respect them (kind of). But I still wouldn't tempt fate by calling certain people while they're present or not locking up private papers, etc.

One big thing is: manage your expectations. My ILs are educated people who like me. BUT they expect a certain relationship with their DIL, which isn't "friends." Publicly, my MIL only sings my praises, and I think she is genuinely pleased with me as a DIL. But she also criticizes me (to my face, only, which is a positive) and sends me whiny emails implying my failings. So, try for a comfortable relationship with your ILs and anything more will be a bonus. Also, don't try to make everyone happy the whole time. I did that on the first visit and I almost left DH out of misery. It is your home, so you get your way part of the time. Your FI can intervene when needed, and keep everything polite, but be firm when you need things a certain way.

jsleik · June 2011

Oh Temurlang! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I don't know if I'm more scared now, or almost more relaxed knowing that some of this is just inevitable and I will need to go with the flow. I think one thing that I have going for me is that my FI is more tuned into this than I think I would be if our roles were reversed. His parents came to live with him when he moved to Bangalore, so he knows what is like to host them for longer periods of time and he knows me and my obsessive need to have things put back in their place, keep things neat and that my kitchen is my retreat. Unfortunately, it is also tiny. So I think he can see where the issues will be is trying to prep me a bit. But he gets frustrated with them when he's talking to them on the phone, so I don't know how that will work when they are here.

But cutting directly on your counters?? Really? Oh, I feel your pain!

On an unrelated note, do you like Madhur Jaffrey's cookbooks? I keep eyeing them up on Amazon, but haven't taken the plunge! I have some recipes from friends that I've been working on and other friends have told me how they play with those basic ones to cook at home, so I have a few Bengali foods, but nowhere near enough to last 6 weeks worth of cooking!

I've already decided going to the gym will be an important part of my day while they're here and I do like the idea of picking up lunch while I'm out!

Thanks for the tips!! I may come back to you when they get here when I need someone who knows precisely why I am going over the edge!!

temurlang · June 2011

JSleik -- I PM'd you

It's good that your FI is tuned in on these things. DH isn't. He left home at an early age and his parents never visited him, so I think he also genuinely didn't have any idea what it would be like.

I really like Madhur Jaffrey. Full disclosure, I also like to cook. Some people find her really hard and she asks for a lot of ingredients, but I've found that if you follow her recipes exactly they turn out. Also, as you learn, you figure out what will be time consuming and which dishes are "everyday" things.

I started out with "Quick and Easy Indian Cooking," and it was actually one of my first cookbooks. She explains very clearly how to do a tarka, how much and when to salt, and other techniques. Although not strictly Indian, her "World Vegetarian" is quite useful because it has many daal recipes which are important and fairly easy. I also have her "Invitation to Indian Cooking" and "From Curries to Kebabs," both of which I would say are a little harder, although they contain many classic North Indian dishes, such as biryani.

A typical Bengali non-veg meal usually includes rice, a runny daal (the thicker daals are eaten with roti and are not typically Bengali), a vegetable, and a fish dish. If not fish, than chicken or goat. We eat veg most of the time, so just daal and a vegetable, usually something leafy.

jsleik · June 2011

Thanks! I emailed you!

raangoli · June 2011

@Tem - Thanks for the Birthday wishes. I am glad to her you got the apartment as well! Phew! One major task off your list! Here's hoping for a smooth move for you. Maybe this will also help get you out of coming to the east coast to visit the in-laws?

@jsleik - Tem gave you excellent advice and I am not sure I can add anything to it. Just remember that as much of a change and shift in thinking it may be/is for you, it's the same for your future in laws as well!

jsleik · June 2011

Thanks Raangoli! I agree, and as the younger one, it is easier for me to shift/change than them, I'm just trying to mentally prepare so I'm ready to jump into being a good, Bengali DIL! :-)

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