Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?

LMB311 · May 2011

My FSIL's husband just got out of prison (about 1 month ago), and I'd rather not invite him because:

a.) My family is very traditional/conservative & in particular, It will make my sister, who is also my MaOH EXTREMELY uncomfortable.

b.) I have never met this person, and I understand that you are supposed to invite anyone's partner who is in a committed relationship, but she just started seeing him again, and was seeing other people while he was locked up, so I would not call that committed, though they are still married. No one else will be at the wedding that both FI and I have not met.

c.) We ARE having kids at our wedding, including FI's kids, and neither of us feel comfortable having an ex con around them.

So maybe my sister and I are being judgy (quite possible), but it would make me uncomfortable as well.

So I'm wondering why it's ok to have a kid free wedding but not an ex con free wedding? Or maybe it is ok?

Thanks!

MyNameIsNot · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:6dcc03fd-f289-4ab7-9713-337a36996eda">Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FSIL's husband just got out of prison (about 1 month ago), and I'd rather not invite him because: a.) My family is very traditional/conservative & in particular, It will make my sister, who is also my MaOH EXTREMELY uncomfortable. b.) I have never met this person, and I understand that you are supposed to invite anyone's partner who is in a committed relationship, but she just started seeing him again, and was seeing other people while he was locked up, so I would not call that committed, though they are still married. No one else will be at the wedding that both FI and I have not met. c.) We ARE having kids at our wedding, including FI's kids, and neither of us feel comfortable having an ex con around them. So maybe my sister and I are being judgy (quite possible), but it would make me uncomfortable as well. So I'm wondering why it's ok to have a kid free wedding but not an ex con free wedding? Or maybe it is ok? Thanks!
Posted by LMB311[/QUOTE]

<div>A <em>bit</em> judgy? No, you are super judgmental to the max.</div><div>
</div><div>What on earth makes you think you have the right to say whether or not someone else's <em>marriage </em>is committed? </div><div>
</div><div>If you don't want the husband there, don't invite the wife. Otherwise, get over it.</div>

[Deleted User] · May 2011

Because a couple is a social unit.

baystateapple · May 2011

Because they are a social unit, and it is rude to break up a social unit.

And because it is not your right or place to determine how committed anyone's relationship is.

[Deleted User] · May 2011

O hai MNIN.

lyndausvi · May 2011

What was he convicted of?

I think that *might* make a difference IMO?

laurenclaire1386 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:6dcc03fd-f289-4ab7-9713-337a36996eda">Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FSIL's husband just got out of prison (about 1 month ago), and I'd rather not invite him because: a.) My family is very traditional/conservative & in particular, It will make my sister, who is also my MaOH EXTREMELY uncomfortable. b.) I have never met this person, and I understand that you are supposed to invite anyone's partner who is in a committed relationship, but she just started seeing him again, and was seeing other people while he was locked up, so I would not call that committed, though they are still married. No one else will be at the wedding that both FI and I have not met. c.) We ARE having kids at our wedding, including FI's kids, and neither of us feel comfortable having an ex con around them. So maybe my sister and I are being judgy (quite possible), but it would make me uncomfortable as well. So I'm wondering why it's ok to have a kid free wedding but not an ex con free wedding? Or maybe it is ok? Thanks!
Posted by LMB311[/QUOTE]
As someone who deals with criminals all day long, ex cons aren't that big a deal. Most of them are normal people who just fucked up. What was he convicted of?

AbbeyS2011 · May 2011

What your SIL's H was convicted for makes a huge difference. Was it a non-violent or a violent crime? Is he now a registered sex offender? Answer those questions first.

Also, as PPs said, it is not up to you to judge another couple's relationship. It is frankly none of your business. If they choose to be together after all that, then you either invite Mr. & Mrs. Smith, or do not invite them. However, in doing this you have opened a family Pandora's box.

What does your FH have to say about this? It is his sister,after all, and I am sure he has met him at least once or twice before he was sent up the river.

No one has to know there is an ex-con at your wedding, unless you put a little side note in the programs.

jessicabessica · May 2011

I agree with lynda and lc that I'd like to know what his conviction was for. While I could imagine some extenuating circumstances that would justify breaking etiquette and not inviting both halves of a social unit, just because he was in prison does not make him a dangerous social pariah.

jenjenaz · May 2011

i tend to agree that the reason for his conviction would make a difference - at least to me...i mean, sexual assault....yeah, i probably wouldn't invite him - the heck with etiquette. but forging a check...eh. i might not worry about so much. and if he was convicted of any crimes against children, well...if there are children there, he'd be on the no-invite list as well (and i'd think that might violate parole or something....)

chocoholic4life · May 2011

I think it depends on what he was convicted of...obviously you wouldn't want a child molester in there with all of those kids, but that's about the only one that would support your "We ARE having kids at our wedding, including FI's kids, and neither of us feel comfortable having an ex con around them." A petty thief wouldn't pose any extra danger to the kids than he would to your comfort level, and the fact that you and FI have not met him really doesn't matter in this case. He is your FSIL's husband, so you have two options:

1. Don't invite either of them, but considering that this is your FSIL that may not be a wise choice.

2. Send the invite and let FSIL decide if they are committed enough to attend as a couple since it really isn't your place to judge their level of committment.

emilyinchile · May 2011

Really? Children and spouses? The two have nothing to do with each other. You're stretching to try to justify doing something that is incorrect etiquette.

[Deleted User] · May 2011

Like PPs, I want to know what he was convicted of. I wouldn't want a child molestor or murderer at my wedding, but would be able to look past other things.

jmkaiser · May 2011

I agree that I think it depends on what he was convicted of. I'm not having an uncle come to my wedding due to what he's been "convicted" of. It's one thing to be uncomfortable...it's another thing to be scared for the safety of your guests. If it's just a uncomfortable feeling maybe you need to just get over it and if it bothers you that much you need to think about not inviting the couple then instead of just him.

AbbeyS2011 · May 2011

****crickets chirping*******

OP is awfully quiet.......

mica178 · May 2011

It's fine to host an adults-only event. It's okay to host a women-only event (for instance a shower or bachelorette party). It's not okay to host an event where all couples are invited except for this one person's boyfriend. Unless the guy was charged with child molestation or rape, I think you need to allow FSIL to bring her boyfriend (assuming they're still together by the time the wedding rolls around). She's your FSIL. Are you really going to snub her? How do you know that the rest of your friends and family (and their guests) dont' have past charges that weren't hidden? Let's not be too judgy because we know more about this guy than the next random +1 invited along to our events.

Eta: whoops, husband not boyfriend. Okay, excluding him is worse. Well, OP, I guess you can hope that they separate/divorce before your wedding, if FSIL was seeing other people. (I'm kidding.)

sarabellam · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:dd739343-428f-469c-a428-2d2e247e067e">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]Because a couple is a social unit.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

Exactly what I was going to say. And Jill, my <3 for you grew by leaps and bounds the other day, simply by you posting about misophonia. I TOTALLY agree that gum should be illegal.

And I thought about you this morning driving to work when the truck in front of me had a foxhound poking his lovely head out of the window. ::quits creeping on Jill::

FutureMrsTR · May 2011

Seriously. What did he do?

sarabellam · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:3f8ae10e-fdcc-4c37-bc15-c8dd23e85268">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not okay to host an event where all couples are invited except for this one person's <strong>boyfriend</strong>. Unless the guy was charged with child molestation or rape, I think you need to allow FSIL to bring her <strong>boyfriend </strong>(assuming they're still together by the time the wedding rolls around). Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

Husband, Mica. Not just a boyfriend.

hlq2011 · May 2011

Ditto PPs. There are a million and ten things that can result in someone going to jail, and a lot of them don't necessarily make one unfit to mingle polite society for the rest of his or her life.

bbrown185 · May 2011

Yeah, this post is pretty judgmental... You need to find out what sent him to the big house before you break up a social unit. As far as etiquette goes, it is extremely rude to not invite a person's spouse, but if he is say a child molestor, I think everyone who knows, would feel that you excluding him was justified... However, if it is nothing serious then the only way anyone would be uncomfortable is if you broadcast it... Hell, one of 75 year old people coming to my wedding is an ex-con. SHE was arrested many years ago for protesting in the South.... With your way of thinking, she would be cut from the guest list, while her husband was invited... Wrong and wrong....

midgetthemighty · May 2011

OP is the bottom comment on this thread (clicky) and it has some more information about this post actually.

Milsey32 · May 2011

Man... I just want OP to say what he did!

lbow1984 · May 2011

I agree w/ PPs that it depends on what he was convicted of on whether or not he should be invited. That makes a huge difference.

peanutty2 · May 2011

I agree with PPs, esp AbbeyS. First, what did he do?!!! Murder? Rape? Child molestation? Ok, I wouldn't invite him. But pot? petty theft? I wouldn't see a problem. I guess there are some in betweens that might make me weary but he is her husband. I would assume your FI has met him? And clearly she has stuck by him. So it's not up to you to judge their relationship. And yea, you dont' know what others have done that you just don't know about.

lyndausvi · May 2011

Not all convicts are created equal. Even not even if they are convicted of the same crime.

For example we have a good friend who is a convicted sex offender. He got hosed big time. He was a bartender and befriended this girl has been a patron of the bar for a year or more. The relationship turned sexual and then her parents found out. She was only 17 (drinking age in the VI is 18, so it's not really that far off). The girl admitted she had a fake id and lied about her age. He was talked into pleading guilty for probation. On sentencing day they sent him to jail for 10 years.

On the SAME DAY a 48 year old man was sentenced to 18 MONTHS for raping his 13 year old niece.

Yes, you saw that correct 18 months for raping a 13 year old niece vs. 10 years for for having consensual sex with an underaged girl who had fake ids and lied about her age.

Our friend is more that welcome in my home and around any future kids we might have.

Because of our friend, ex-cons will be on a case by case basis.

hlq2011 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:6dfbab9c-49e0-4c8c-a45d-c355fcc41141">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]OP is the bottom comment on this thread ( clicky ) and it has some more information about this post actually.
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]

Yeah, it makes her sound worse. Sounds like she's decided she's not inviting him and doesn't care if the FSIL decides not to come.

OP, how the hell is the rest of your super-conservative family going to even KNOW that he was in jail? Are you planning on advertising that fact? Because the right thing to do would be to keep your mouth shut to avoid creating drama or awkwardness - unless, of course, he is a child molester or rapist or something like that.

Moneypenny424 · May 2011

Is he planning on showing up in an orange jumpsuit?

You do realize there may be other ex-cons coming to your wedding, right? Most people don't know each other's criminal records. Unless he's a child molester or serial rapist or something, I'd think he should be invited.

midgetthemighty · May 2011

Such a wonderful point lynda. I've heard about other people who have experienced what your friend did, so he's not alone although that doesn't make it any better (as in it shouldn't have happend that way).

And just wow...sometimes I wonder how sentences are determined because sometimes they seem so misplaced.

Hopefully your comment will really change the OP's mind.

artbyallie · May 2011

Now I want to know, too. OP, come back! Also, how long was his sentence? And was this his first time going to jail? If he's one of those guys who's only out long enough to do something else and go back, I could maybe understand.

And children are not invited everywhere their parents go. But when you're talking about a married couple, the spouse cannot be excluded unless it is, agens a PP said, a gender-specific event.

peanutty2 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:6dfbab9c-49e0-4c8c-a45d-c355fcc41141">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]OP is the bottom comment on this thread ( clicky ) and it has some more information about this post actually.
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]

based on whats written in there, sounds like you dont' want either of them there. so just don't invite her either. it might cause a drift with her parents, but if you and your FI both dont' want her there... then dont' invite her and you won't have to worry about him. But I think if you invite her and they are still married and together then you more than likely have to invite him too (pending knowing what he was convicted of).

Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?

Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?

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