WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred

JessAndTrav · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:4a47f681-f759-4021-a51e-a12bf56ad41b">WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE]I wanted “Black Tie” but in the interest of some of our guest went the route of “Black Tie Preferred” so that people would not have to decline the invite because they did not have a Tuxedo or a long formal gown. I mean we are providing a four course meal with an open bar, the least people could do is wear a suit or a cocktail dress. If that is not a good point to draw a line with a dress code, I do not know what is.
Posted by ca_surfergirl[/QUOTE]

See, you're lying.

tidetravel · December 2009

Black tie =/= suit and dress.

Black tie = tuxedo and long, formal cocktail dress complete with diamond earrings and elbow length gloves.

YOU wanted black tie, not your venue

JessAndTrav · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:b0d4961d-81e3-46dc-8250-a241e92382e1">Re: WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks AmoroAgain! I will replace that other stuff with venue information about dress code. I wish I had thought of doing that in the first place.
Posted by ca_surfergirl[/QUOTE]

I sincerely hope that you're not that stupid that you're just now thinking of this.

AmoroAgain · December 2009

You are definitely wanting your princess day instead of living in reality.

Where are you having this dream princess day that, in Halifax, NS, requires black tie?

AmoroAgain · December 2009

I'm thinking you're a troll anyway. CA surfergirl, but living in Saskatoon (isn't there soemone on the boards who lives in Saskatchewan?!) and having the wedding in Halifax instead of Boston.

It reeks of trolldom.

JessAndTrav · December 2009

Oh, amoro. You always make so much sense.

anna.oskar · December 2009

We are having a formal reception but I certainly wouldn't mind if grandma showed up in a pink track suit. I'd just be happy all our family and friends could attend.

mwhitson14 · December 2009

No, I'm not running into any problems with the dress code because I don't have a dress code. I wouldn't get married in anywhere with a dress code, because times are tough and you can't expect people to go out and rent a tux, buy a formal dress, whatever, for just a few hours.

How do you solve it? Get over it. If the venue doesn't let them in, that's their problem. You're just going to have to untwist your panties and let this one go.

squirrly · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:cc0a7eef-e212-4865-92fe-63cdc5793b5f">Re: WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE]We are having a formal reception but I certainly wouldn't mind if grandma showed up in a pink track suit. I'd just be happy all our family and friends could attend.
Posted by anna.oskar[/QUOTE]

This. As long as none of our military guests show up in fatigues, I'll be happy.

salt78 · December 2009

Thank goodness I've never been to a wedding where the bride dictated what I should wear.

polichik · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:d897e463-ffea-4633-ac28-428a66f9358d">Re: WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE] But - if your FI's side of the family isn't really a black tie crowd, why on earth did you pick that venue? I want a nice wedding as much as the next person, but we picked a venue that all of our guests should be comfortable in.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

Exactly. Given my and FI's lifestyles and the lifestyles of my side of the family, we could've had our wedding at a raw vegan restaurant and everybody would've been happy. However, for FI's meat and potatoes family, it would've been extremely uncomfortable.

Therefore, we're having our wedding at a wine bar and offering free-range chicken. Would I have preferred a vegetarian wedding? Sure. But would that have made FI's side of the family uncomfortable? Yep.

I know it's not the same thing, but I feel like it's a similar concept. Comfort of your guests /> your wedding vision.

/> indicates that the former object in the sentence is "greater than," or "more than," the latter object. In this sentence, "comfort of your guests" is the former, and "your wedding vision" is the latter. Just putting it in the same terms as the website description :)

polichik · December 2009

Aaaand for some reason, the knot put a / in front of my plain old > symbol. Oh well.

Btw, I don't think vegetarian weddings are wrong, if the crowd can handle it. Buuuut I don't want this thread to go that direction again :P

Moral of this story is do what will make your guests comfortable, whether it's relaxing a dress code, offering another dish, having an indoor option if you're having a winter wedding in Colorado, or not asking your modest BMs to wear a strapless sheath.

sarabellam · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:b0d4961d-81e3-46dc-8250-a241e92382e1">Re: WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE] I wish I had thought of doing that in the first place.
Posted by ca_surfergirl[/QUOTE]
You are obviously so SMRT. Why would you choose a venue where roughly half the guests will feel out of place? And really, if they don't own a tux, they should go buy one from a thrift store? Really?

[Deleted User] · December 2009

I

this post.

mocha beans · December 2009

Seriously, I'd be pretty pissed if I had to miss a wedding simply because I wasn't able to dress up appropriately. Way to be elitist. That's probably why you're getting grief from a few family members.

You shouldn't have choosen that venue if they have a dress code that you know some guests will be unable to dress for. I would certainly not go out and buy a gown at this point in our lives, and neither would FI buy a suit he may never wear again or rent a tux.

banana468 · December 2009

Ditto Amoro. You can put the venue restrictions on there ONLY.

However since the reception is FOR your guests and you're creating a good time FOR them, keep that in mind when you plan / book things.

When I married my husband, we knew that we weren't having a black tie wedding. Our families are not black tie people and having our wedding in a place with dictated dress code would have made us (and our parents who hosted the reception) appear to be rather pretentious.

That isn't to say that what you're doing is "wrong" but keep in mind that when you're planning the reception, you should want people to attend and you should want to plan an event that's a reflection of the real you and your families enabling them to have the best time possible.

Also keep in mind that right now, the economy is just not that good. I work with people who years ago when the economy was better, complained about having to attend a "black tie" wedding when the couple were about as casual as you could get. It created a huge expense on their part to buy the attire but they loved the couple. However is it worth it to do that to your guests?

And for many, having to buy new attire that they'll never wear again (since they're not black tie people) means that they're having to subtract that from other budgets such as the gift budget. Keep that in mind if you think that guests are in the "cover their plate" category.

ac_in_dc · December 2009

My friends had a black tie optional wedding last year. They just put "black tie optional" on the invite, and said this on the web site:

The dress code is Black Tie Optional.
Guys: If you own a tux, here's a chance to wear it. Otherwise, wear a nice suit or, at the very least, a tie.
Gals: Have a nice long gown you only wore once? Now you can wear it a second time! A cocktail length dress is also appropriate.

OK, totally NMS, but still appropriate in my opinion. Your description was condescending. And your attitude about your guests "owing" you something b/c you're feeding them is BS; a reception is your way to thank your guests (in a style that you choose) for supporting you through the years and especially for witnessing your marriage.

[Deleted User] · December 2009

I'm making guests on my side dress up like characters from the Wizard of Oz and FI's side will have to dress up like various mythological creatures. During the cocktail hour, I expect them to fight to the death. That way we'll save tons of money on food and alcohol. It's all spelled out on my website: www.dumbassideas.com.

JessAndTrav · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:c57d2ed3-2902-4a85-baba-df85c3822a43">Re: WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm making guests on my side dress up like characters from the Wizard of Oz and FI's side will have to dress up like various mythological creatures. During the cocktail hour, I expect them to fight to the death. That way we'll save tons of money on food and alcohol. It's all spelled out on my website: <a href="http://www.dumbassideas.com" rel="nofollow">www.dumbassideas.com</a> .
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

CEW,

I don't know you, but I like you.

squirrly · December 2009

Cew, I

you.

sarabellam · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:c57d2ed3-2902-4a85-baba-df85c3822a43">Re: WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm making guests on my side dress up like characters from the Wizard of Oz and FI's side will have to dress up like various mythological creatures. During the cocktail hour, I expect them to fight to the death. That way we'll save tons of money on food and alcohol. It's all spelled out on my website: <a href="http://www.dumbassideas.com" rel="nofollow">www.dumbassideas.com</a> .
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

Best! Idea! EVAR!!!!!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:eca0d341-ecd7-4007-8fd7-183d4c5ab16d">Re: WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE]I placed this information on the wedding website because people asked what it meant. Our venue will not let them in if they do not wear a suit or dress.
Posted by ca_surfergirl[/QUOTE]

I don't buy it, unless the majority of your guest list is functionally retarded. Etiquette dictates you MAY list dress code as long as it's required and not a personal preference. I've never met someone who doesn't know what black tie is. They've never gone to a prom, charity dinner or wedding before? White Tie or Casual, I can understand confusion, but Black Tie is pretty common. I'm thinking any confusion lies in the "Black Tie Preferred" wording. Because what else could they wear other than black tie? Is that like casual black tie?

If your venue requires black tie, you put black tie or "venue requires black tie attire." The burden is then on the guest to make sure they're dressed appropriately enough to get into the venue.

What you don't do is demand they dress in a way you envision on your pretty princess day, just because you want nice pictures.

kikibaby · December 2009

I hope that you get a bunch of cheap ass gifts since you're forcing your guests to spend all of their money on 'appropriate attire'.

tenofcups4me · December 2009

About half the weddings I've attended have been black tie optional (preferred, invited, etc.). My own first wedding was black tie optional so I obviously have no problem with the overall concept. But your description is patronizing. As a guest who would be inclined to wear a gown, I'd still feel squicky reading your "demands" for the dress code.

Leave it at black tie preferred since you've apparently already sent out the invites (?). But take the description off the web site.

skippylouwho · December 2009

The part that bothered me was when she stated if they couldn't afford a dress/suit they should decline the invitation. So it's more important that people be dress appropriately than for you to have them be a part of this special day - the attire is special to you but the people you invited aren't?

I love a black-tire affair and i actually attend probably 3 to 40 or so a year (no lie). What I also know is my husband has been out of work for almost 19 months now. I have one child engaged and the other proposing to his GF at Christmas and we expect that wedding will also be next year. If I didn't already own formal clothing I could not/would not be able to afford to buy a nice dress to wear to your wedding (if I were an invitee). Yes the thrift stores have formal clothing and you MIGHT luck in to something that fits but it isn't like Nordstroms where they have 2 or 3 dresses in each size. Don't presume that you know what anyone else can afford. My big house, nice (paid for) care are foolers, we don't have extra money right now to buy things like formalwear or new suits etc. And on top of purchasing clothing for your event you would also expect at nice gift. They may have travel expenses too. It is your day but it really isn't all about you.

skippylouwho · December 2009

That should have said I attend 30-40 black-tie affairs a year.

Pirata13 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:c57d2ed3-2902-4a85-baba-df85c3822a43">Re: WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm making guests on my side dress up like characters from the Wizard of Oz and FI's side will have to dress up like various mythological creatures. During the cocktail hour, I expect them to fight to the death. That way we'll save tons of money on food and alcohol. It's all spelled out on my website: <a href="http://www.dumbassideas.com" rel="nofollow">www.dumbassideas.com</a> .
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

OMG FI would be so excited!

BecW2be · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:c57d2ed3-2902-4a85-baba-df85c3822a43">Re: WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm making guests on my side dress up like characters from the Wizard of Oz and FI's side will have to dress up like various mythological creatures. During the cocktail hour, I expect them to fight to the death. That way we'll save tons of money on food and alcohol. It's all spelled out on my website: <a href="http://www.dumbassideas.com" rel="nofollow">www.dumbassideas.com</a> .
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

I call the green witch! And I'll see you at dinner! (yep, that was me, inviting myself to your wedding/cocktail battle to the death/dinner because I'll win.

fangsiting · December 2009

I'm in the minority here, but I'm glad she spelled it out what black tie was on her website. I was going to wear this to her wedding (see how it's black & ties in the front) :

**probably NSFW**

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/411yDTgSRHL.jpg

but now I know to wear a gown.

lyndausvi · December 2009

Black Tie Preferred is okay in my book.

Your description is rude, condescending makes you look like any ass. You seriously told women how to dress based on their date's suit or tux. Really?

For your sake, just take down the description and just leave it Black Tie preferred.

To answer your questionn. I didn't give a shiit what my guests wore. Oh and I had four course meal with an open top shelf bar also.

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