Want FMIL involved, minus her ideas.

CowgirlK39 · April 2012

I am happy to have my FMIL involved in our wedding plans, and am very pleased that she is so excited for us. But, FMIL seems to be very confused about what is and is not appropriate for a wedding. Our theme is "vintage farm" and she is so hooked on the theme idea, that she forgets it is a wedding also. She thinks its a costume party, and also that every single detail has to match the theme. She asked me a few times if she can go look for decorations for us, and I politely said "no, thanks."

She called me last week all excited that she bought decorations.Turns out, she bought 2 coffee cups, a cow figurine and a small watering can from a garage sale. Please tell me, wtf do these things have to do with our wedding, other than they have a country reference? I smiled and nodded, as I have been doing all along. Then she brought out even more stuff and I realized that If I don't say something soon, she will spend tons of money on crap that has no purpose in our wedding at all. Just because it is farm related, does NOT mean that its useful to us.

She is beating our theme to death. She doesn't get that this is still a wedding and not a children's party. She saw a cake at a baby shower that was a hay bale with farm animals on it. She has been blowing my phone up for the past week asking me if I want her to inquire about this cake (but never offered to pay for it). First of all, it was really poorly done and very ugly. Second, there was a reason she saw it at a baby shower. I politely told her we just want a regular cake and she insisted that this cake would be perfect.

Can someone give me some advice on how to get her to stop spending her own money on stuff that is totally useless? I am more than happy to have her involved in the wedding but I want her involved in things that are helpful and NOT counter productive. Also, how can I explain to her that this is still a wedding and decorations still need to be appropriate for one?

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2012

Did you ask for any help?

If you didn't and she is just doing this on her own, you, or even better, your FI needs to have a heart to heart with her that the two of you are enjoying planning your wedding together and while you both appreciate her enthusiasm, please stop purchasing things because it is 99.99% likely they are not going to be used in your wedding.

If you did ask for help, you need to be clearer about your vision for the wedding.

CowgirlK39 · April 2012

We didn't really ask for help, honestly. She just kept butting in and offering it. I didn't want to be rude, and I feel bad because FSIL is also getting married and she is not involved one bit in that. Its like in her mind she is doing us a huge favor, and she thinks what she is doing is ok, but I don't have a good way to tell her its not.

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_want-fmil-involved-minus-her-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d963fafc-6916-4cfe-b57b-f9de02b0f36fPost:6664eab7-d4cd-492d-845e-3a040470c1ea">Re: Want FMIL involved, minus her ideas.</a>:
[QUOTE]We didn't really ask for help, honestly. She just kept butting in and offering it. I didn't want to be rude, and I feel bad because FSIL is also getting married and she is not involved one bit in that. Its like in her mind she is doing us a huge favor, and she thinks what she is doing is ok, but I don't have a good way to tell her its not.
Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

You need to have your FI step in then. His family = his responisbility to handle. It isn't fair to her though to be allowed to think that all of her work is going to be used. Maybe set up one day where you take her with you to look at things for your wedding so she feels involved but make it clear that anything that is used in your wedding will be chosen and paid for by you.

MairePoppy · April 2012

It's so hard when you know the person has good intentions, isn't it?

Fi should tell his mom that you have been looking forward to planning your own wedding for a long time and that you are very particular about the wedding decor and would like to pick it out yourself. Maybe you could invite her along on a shopping trip and set up a night for her to help you make favors or another diy project - with items that you have purchased.

You might be able to repurpose some of the stuff she already bought. If you are having a shower, the pitcher, filled with flowers could be used as a centerpiece, some of the other stuff might be used at the RD. Since it sounds like she has bought a lot of stuff, don't feel obligated to use it all.Tell her you have already picked out your wedding cake, but if she insists on ordering that farm cake, serve it at the RD. Or tell her you think it work better at a future baby shower.

theelusive1 · April 2012

I suggest you show here what you ARE going to get and use. Maybe it will give her the hint and she will start buying the stuff you want.

Kate61487 · April 2012

I'd start showing her some inspiration pictures, so maybe she'll get the idea of what you're going for. Also, could you give her a specific task or two that isn't as important to you to let her get her creativity out a bit? Say the cardbox maybe - show her some pictures of what you're thinking and ask if she can look for something similar?

Want FMIL involved, minus her ideas.

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