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FMIL Help/Therapy/Advice Needed

hughe046hughe046
First Comment
in Louisiana-New Orleans
Sigh....I thought I was one of the lucky ones....

However...we are having our RD at Brennans (thanks for the great recommendations Knotties!) and she has chosen prime rib and trout as the entree options.  My FI (her son) and I hate trout (the skin on just freaks me out), and most of our close friends who we have secretly polled hate trout.  I know this sounds weird too- but this is a destination wedding and I would rather have something that represents the Gulf and not the River.  My FI tried to reason with her and she shut him down, she sent me a quick email asking how I felt.  Should I be honest?  Or just let it go?  For those of you who have worked in a restaurant, you know that Prime Rib is a great option, but also a logistical nightmare...very hard to serve the meat at the correct temp for a party of 65.  I just want to have ONE killer option.

[Side note/Background:  She thinks I am the devil for not having a wedding cake and having cupcakes served on tiers.  She thinks this is tacky and trendy and that I will regret this later....am I crazy?  I really dont like cake...and thought this was much more ME.  She also had me change the officiant of the wedding- she was horrified that Judge KK Norman was going to officiate versus a Reverand.  Got Zimmer instead for $125 more than KK.  Not sure what he is a Rev. of...but she seems less upset.]
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Re: FMIL Help/Therapy/Advice Needed

  • arhatcharhatch member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you feel really strongly about her choices and she's asking you what you think I'd say it's okay to tastefully say these are my preferences.  You might want to let her know why what you and FI would want is different.  I know Brennan's is a pretty penny, and if she's footing the bill then you probably can't do too much if she shuts you down too.  Maybe she will see reason and listen to why you and FI want different entrees than the ones she picked. 

    I think the whole cake issue is a personal choice.  If you like cupcakes go for it!!  It's you and FI's wedding not hers. 

    She sounds a little controlling...especially with the officiant issue.  Make sure that you and FI are standing together (which it sounds like you are) when she's making demands, and remember it's not her wedding!   Have the day that you and FI want and will want to remember forever!
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  • tmwhitleytmwhitley member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Check out the other menu options and see if there are other options that will be the same price or less. I think it is ok to be honest if she asked you. Just dont let it cause a big rift. In the end...no one will really remember if trout was an option.
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  • NevenagNevenag
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I myself like trout, but hey I am not coming to your RD.

    I would say this, let it go... the RD and the weddings are each one day only, you'll be related to the lady forever, so don't let it cause you grief, or be a reason for a tense relationship later.
     That being said,  I am not suggesting that you let her walk all over you, and make you make changes for the wedding. The wedding is yours, let her have the RD. And since she asked, I would be honest, I would say something like those are not my top choices and your son and I don't really eat that fish, but if you think the guests will enjoy it that's fine. Let her know your concern about the prime rib temp (although as former restaurant worker, that's an issue only with small grills). But I would suggest don't make it sound like a big deal. Cause at the end it's not. People will be happy to be there with you, and celebrate and no one will really care about the trout :)
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  • maccalovahmaccalovah
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Is she paying for the RD? I guess if she is, then you can only fight her decisions so much...and I agree with others that, in the end, it's most likely not worth the drama. Maybe you can politely ask her if there are any other entree options worth considering, but I probably wouldn't push it much further than that....

    However, the cake and officiant is something that should be left up to you and your FI- it's your wedding, after all! I have learned that everyone in the family seems to have an opinion on what we "should" do, but in the end, it's mostly your decision, so make sure you're not completely basing all your choices on what will make other people happy, you know? Since she sort of pushed you into changing officiants (I'm using Rev Zimmer, too, and he's really nice), I think you should stand by your cake decision- there is no unwritten law saying you HAVE to have a 3-tier wedding cake- cupcakes sound really cute!

    ~Sarah

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  • julieanna21julieanna21
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Since you're not so sure about these two dishes I would say honestly I'd be disappointed as a guest to get to eat at Brennan's and have to choose between prime rib and trout.  Okay I said it:)  They have awesome shrimp or even chicken choices on the menu.  It sounds like you, your FI, and your friends agree.  It is just one night and they are paying for it, but it is supposed to be for you and your FI.  We booked the RD place we wanted ourselves after we said it's the place we wanted, and for weeks FMIL sent alternate "nicer" places to choose from, without even knowing if they were available or what they cost.  She survived it, and we're happy to have the place of our choosing.  Since I started giving in on things to keep the peace, it doesn't ever stop, so you have to stand your ground while you can.  I wish I learned to stand my ground sooner so I wouldn't feel so bitter about some of my concessions!  Now that I am sticking up for myself I am now suddenly being difficult.  As for the cupcakes, seeing my parents' wedding pictures from the 70s is hilarious, stuff goes in and out of style all the time so next time she rags you about your cupcakes ask her to whip out her wedding pics, the ensembles must be outdated by now!

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  • themegtthemegt member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She asked your advice, so I would be honest, but tactful. You have to give her credit for sending an email to you to ask your opinion and it is the perfect opening to express how you feel.  Take a look at their menu and see what looks good to you in the same price range(I love their Redfish Jamie!) Good Luck!
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  • skatoryskatory member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can so relate to your situation. Everyones advice here was good, especialy letting her know why her options concerned you but you might try putting it in the form of a question. "I think they sound like great choices but do you think it would be an issue for all the people (I know) dont eat fish.... and the prime rib concern". If it's not a power struggle for her it might give her cause to re think. Child psychology! As far as your wedding choices, to late on one but I would just smile big......to anyone who critisizes your choices and say thanks for your ideas but were real thrilled with the decisions we've made so far! Cut and bye! Ya know, he's her "little boy" moving on and she may be having trouble letting go of being the co-decison maker and primary influence in his life and future. That would make her a good mom, but if you and he dont display that as your job now, you...like any of us can look forward to
    this situation happening with every holiday decision, your kids school choices... etc. I've learned to ask for an opinion even when I dont need it to make them feel important but I set the specific choices and tell them what WE'VE decided later. Then they feel like they had a say anyway. It's a win win for me but may not work for everyone.
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  • becker.amandabecker.amanda member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    You received great advice from the above responses. I just wanted to say that we had cupcakes at our wedding and they were a HUGE hit. Everyone loved the 4 flavor options and many people had seconds/thirds, etc. Stick with what you want - it's your big day, and in the end, you should be happy with the decisions.

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