I'm a BM and I have a question...

Classic_amity · February 2010

I am a BM in my brother's wedding. He is currently living out of the country, but will be back in 3 months, so his bride is doing much of the very initial planning as it's a recent engagement. Right off the bat, she says she wants a destination wedding. My bro is very go with the flow so he's up for whatever. He also doesn't have much sense of family ties as he moved away relatively young.

Since word has got out in my family that a destination wedding is in the works, many important family members are upset. Particularly my grandmothers and retired aunts/uncles as they cannot afford to go. They don't want to break the news to the bride but soon enough, everything will be booked and invites are going to be sent out. To be honest, I think they're embarrassed and that makes me feel really bad.

I have a feeling my brother does not realize the money situation going on back here at home. I feel like if he knew that his fam were sad that they could not be a part of a destination wedding, he may have second thoughts versus his cool, go with the flow attitude.

The bride is hard to talk to and she's calling the shots right now. She just keeps repeating that her family and friends will definitely go. I get that... but this wedding is special to my family too, particularly because my brother has been living away for over 5 years and we're all really excited to celebrate something special with him. We've all missed him so much. As well, it's really hard to get ahold of my bro as he's literally out in the middle of nowhere for his job.

Sooo...

Should I just keep my mouth shut and wait for the RSVPs not to roll in OR should I tell the bride OR hold out until I can get ahold of my bro, hoping that it's not too late?

I hate to go behind the bride's back like that but nothing I have said thus far has made any impact and I truly feel like my brother would feel differently than her...

Help?

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-bm-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:73727c51-4207-415d-98a4-0456dbbee36fPost:e506bff9-0fc5-4b29-9921-7f258ffd21ea">I'm a BM and I have a question...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a BM in my brother's wedding. He is currently living out of the country, but will be back in 3 months, so his bride is doing much of the very initial planning as it's a recent engagement. Right off the bat, she says she wants a destination wedding. My bro is very go with the flow so he's up for whatever. He also doesn't have much sense of family ties as he moved away relatively young. Since word has got out in my family that a destination wedding is in the works, many important family members are upset. Particularly my grandmothers and retired aunts/uncles as they cannot afford to go. They don't want to break the news to the bride but soon enough, everything will be booked and invites are going to be sent out. To be honest, I think they're embarrassed and that makes me feel really bad. I have a feeling my brother does not realize the money situation going on back here at home. I feel like if he knew that his fam were sad that they could not be a part of a destination wedding, he may have second thoughts versus his cool, go with the flow attitude. The bride is hard to talk to and she's calling the shots right now. She just keeps repeating that her family and friends will definitely go. I get that... but this wedding is special to my family too, particularly because my brother has been living away for over 5 years and we're all really excited to celebrate something special with him. We've all missed him so much. As well, it's really hard to get ahold of my bro as he's literally out in the middle of nowhere for his job. Sooo... Should I just keep my mouth shut and wait for the RSVPs not to roll in OR should I tell the bride OR hold out until I can get ahold of my bro, hoping that it's not too late? I hate to go behind the bride's back like that but nothing I have said thus far has made any impact on her decision and I truly feel like my brother would feel differently than her... Help?
Posted by Classic_amity[/QUOTE]

Could you call or e-mail your brother? I would definitely suggest talking to your brother and not your FSIL. I would explain your concerns with your brother in a very non-accusatory or demanding way--just say that you are concerned that grandma, aunt so-and-so, and cousin whoever won't be able to make it because of money concerns. Also suggest perhaps having an at-home reception after the destination wedding (just something casual like a BBQ) to celebrate with your relatives who can't afford to go to the wedding. I think it should be ultimately up to the couple, but maybe if he were made aware of your concerns, it would make a difference to him. Once you let him know of your concerns, however, stay out of it from there.

Edit: Also make it clear that you only want him to be aware of the situation and whatever he and his fiancee choose to do is gravy.

banana468 · February 2010

I'll echo PP. Just say, "Hey, I'm so excited for the wedding and you know I'll be here. I did want to let you know though that due to the expense, I think some of our family members won't be able to make it and I just wanted to let you know so you can expect that before you see the response cards come back with lots of "declines".

rivkahstein1 · February 2010

I would email your brother and let him know what is going on. He would probably be hurt if your close family members cannot be there to celebrate his special day with him. You said your brother is a go with the flow kind of guy and it sounds like he would be open to the idea of a non-destination wedding. If money is a an issue they can try and plan a low budget wedding and cutting the guest list down.

lolacuda · February 2010

I'm not sure what you expecting to come out of bringing this up but hopefully it's not that they would consider changing their arrangements. If your brother and his fiance chose to have a destination wedding I am sure they considered not everyone would be able to make it. Some might even consider the expupectedly smaller guest count to be a perk of having a destination wedding.

I don’t think it’s your place to suggest they chose a venue that is more accommodating to others because, frankly, it’s their day and therefore their decision. Planning a wedding is a stressful enough task and making such a huge criticism about the biggest detail of the event from the get go will result in a burden on your relationship with your future sister in law as well as put your brother in a terrible position, right in the middle of it all.

If your concern is that specific, very important family members will not be able to make it then I would speak to your brother about them in particular to see if maybe some type of financial arrangement can be made to make sure your grandmothers, for example, don't miss the wedding. A portion of the budget could be set aside for this if it is important enough to the bride and groom that certain people be there. Their priorities for their wedding, however, are their prerogative.

trix1223 · February 2010

I agree with pp. It's your brother's wedding. I get that it's your family, but it's not your place to decide what they should or shouldn't do, and what he might or might not want.

Sorry, but I think if your brother is old enough to get married, he's old enough to make his own decisions, and more important to live with the consequences of his decisions.

You say that he hasn't been around for 5 years. People change. Maybe your brother has too. I'd stay out of it.

NJMom050911 · February 2010

There is a reason why most destination weddings are intimate. They can be pricey and require time off. I'm sure they have thought about all of this and still like the idea. I would also stay out it and maybe suggest putting something together after, a BBQ is a great idea.

sdvora · February 2010

I agree with some previous posters that it's their decision, not anyone else's, as to what their wedding will be like.

However, keep in mind that this may not be the best group to ask. Most women on this site, like me, are currently planning their own weddings. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that if my future sister-in-law were to come to me and tell me that the wedding that I'm planning (and paying for) is inconvenient for her family members, I would probably get pretty mad, and annoyed. If your brother and his fiance are paying, it's completely up to them -- no matter how much it might put other people out. Sorry.

(Then again, I'm strange -- I can't imagine that it would be particularly important to anyone that they attend my wedding. Why would anyone possibly care as much as I do, ie -- so much that they feel they have a stake in the planning? It's mystifying to me.)

elyse.mike · February 2010

I don't agree with some posts that say you need to stay out of it. You know your brother better than anyone here does, if you feel comfortable casually bringing it up to him, then do it. He may tell you that they already considered that some of his family members couldn't be there and he's ok with that. He may also say that he never thought about that and he's glad you said something. Either way, once you give him a head's up and find out how he feels, then you drop it. But I think as long as you put it nicely and don't get dramatic about it, he'll understand that you're only saying something out of concern not because you're trying to control the outcome. Good luck!

trix1223 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-bm-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:73727c51-4207-415d-98a4-0456dbbee36fPost:35f6b5ba-f360-4cd9-b8e9-28e1b05c5e8a">Re: I'm a BM and I have a question...</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with some previous posters that it's their decision, not anyone else's, as to what their wedding will be like. However, keep in mind that this may not be the best group to ask. Most women on this site, like me, are currently planning their own weddings. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that if my future sister-in-law were to come to me and tell me that the wedding that I'm planning (and paying for) is inconvenient for her family members, I would probably get pretty mad, and annoyed. If your brother and his fiance are paying, it's completely up to them -- no matter how much it might put other people out. Sorry. (Then again, I'm strange -- I can't imagine that it would be particularly important to anyone that they attend my wedding. Why would anyone possibly care as much as I do, ie -- so much that they feel they have a stake in the planning? It's mystifying to me.)
Posted by sdvora[/QUOTE]

svdora: as someone who's recently been MOB and who was MOG two years ago, I can tell you that I would crawl across hot coal laced with broken glass to be at my children's weddings. Friends? maybe not. Nieces and nephews? I've gone to the all, but wouldn't venture out in a blizzard. My children? Anything I'd have to do to attend their wedding.... =)

litskispecialty · February 2010

From the perspective of a bride who really wanted a destination wedding I'd have to say please respect their wishes. My FI are paying 100% out of our own pocket. I have 1 brother who like you I never see and he moved out at a young age and 2 parents, that's just about it. My FI has 3 siblings who are all married, lots of aunts/uncles counins etc. My FI's family does not have any money and that is fine, but it is not their day. My mom has been a nightmare throughout this wedding to the point that I can't wait until it's over and that's not how my hopefully only wedding should ever go.

My FI's family is big on "it's your day, don't let anyone tell you how to do something" unless it's not convenient for them such as not allowing their 6 children to come to a night reception or having a destination wedding because they can't afford it.

I'm happy with what we have planned, but honestly I still fight with my FI about a destination wedding and just giving up the deposits. Some girls dream of getting married on the beach in a private ceremony, some have reasons that they don't need to explain. I know it hurts to not be there and I'm glad that your family cares to be there b/c my FI's doesn't and it feels like that is the only reason we're having this huge ordeal! Perhaps they want to buy a house, my FI and I need to get a house so that we can live equi-distant to my family that i never see now but with what we have to pay for a wedding here we won't be buying a house soon.

Once you open the door to a wedding in the US in your area it feels like you have to start inviting everyone because you're not saving money and doing something small.

I guess you could explain your case to your brother one time and see if he can say something, but like pp's have said you don't want to get off on the wrong foot with your FSIL because you have to deal with her for the rest of your life.

Good luck!

tree.hugger.chick · February 2010

If your brother and his fiance are dead-set on the destination wedding, why don't you throw them an engagement party when he gets back in three months? Invite all the important family members who may not be able to make the wedding. That way, all your family can celebrate with them, and your SIL won't feel like you're trying to replan the wedding she may have been dreaming of all her life. Plus, if you (and maybe other bridesmaids, friends or family) throw it, then it's no skin off your FSIL's nose; all she has to do is give you a guest list and then show up.

On the one hand, I think suggestions are fine; a lot of family have suggested this or that for my wedding, and even when I didn't take the suggestions, I never minded that they had ideas that were different from mine. On the other hand, if your FSIL thinks you're going behind her back and micromanage a wedding that isn't yours (which isn't what you're trying to do, but it could seem that way from her point of view), it could make for a very rocky beginning to your relationship. Maybe you could just try to casually bring it up in conversation the next time you talk to your brother. "So, who do you think will be able to make it from our side?" Try to get him thinking about it without coming out and telling him that you don't think the destination wedding is a good idea. Or, just stay out of it; everyone has some nitpicky aunt or uncle or parent who loves to point out everything we're doing wrong, and they may tell you FSIL about the situation anyway.

lharri12 · February 2010

As a bride-to-be who is planning a destination wedding, I was certainly aware of the fact that many people would not be able to attend. (For us, it was grandparents in their 80s and 90s who would not be able to make the trip.) I agree that casually bringing this up to your brother (NOT your FSIL!) is appropriate, but try to keep your emotions in check. Your goal should be to make sure he is informed of the situation, not to persuade him to change the whole wedding concept. The last thing you want to do is make him feel bad for having the wedding they want. Trust me, I feel bad that some of our grandparents cannot attend, but because they love us, they want us to have the wedding we always wanted!

joelandanalove · February 2010

One of my closest friends had a destination wedding...Very few people attended, and upon their return, they had a beautiful reception at home. That or a BBQ are great solutions. Tell your brother your concerns, but support his overall desicion. only you know you FSIL but she may just want her dream wedding and therefore is adamant to what she wants-and won't budge. It IS her day. And you are so sweet to think of your family. When you plan your big day (or if u have, any other occasion) YOU make sure your family is there for you. In the meantime, support them as best as you can, and prevent any haedaches for yourself and FSIL in the future. If they have kids, you'll want to be close and see your niece/nephew and have a good relationship with your brother and FSIL. Good luck.

Jeni35 · February 2010

I agree with both sides. You mention that your brother has been away for 5 years. I am not sure if he was in the military or... but he may have changed a great deal. I am certain that if he was adamantly against a destination wedding; then he would say so. Of course you can maybe let him know, in a kind way that since it is pricey- grandma and other close relatives may not be able to go. He could retort with, "I wasn't at grandma's wedding either!" Just saying! I do think the idea of a secondary reception for the friends and family who couldn't go is lovely and fair. Ultimately, you cannot please everyone and it is the couple's day. When you get married, you wouldn't want your sil to say that you should have a destination wedding if your heart is set against it.

kkspreng · February 2010

I would talk to your brother and make him aware of your family's financial arrangements, but I would not suggest to him a decision one way or the other...make it clear that you know that whatever decision he and his future wife make is theirs to make (he needs to know you are not trying to make a decision for them!), but that you simply want him to make sure that he has all the info (since he is out of town) before they make that decision. In the end, they may want the more private feel of a destination wedding, and as long as he is OK with the situation then that's fine.

I would suggest, if they choose the destination wedding, the extra reception back home afterwards. As stated above, it doesn't have to be formal...just a fun occasion for everyone to celebrate with your bro and his new wife...then they get their destination wedding, and your family gets to share in the at home reception.

Sparkette19 · February 2010

I wouldn't go behind the bride's back about it at all. You don't know what your brother and his FI have discussed about their wedding plans. If you have concerns about your family not being able to attend the destination wedding I would bring them up to the bride and be prepared to receive an answer that might not be what you want to hear. It sounds like the bride is calling the shots since your brother is away, but that doesn't mean that they aren't in communication with each other.

In the end it's not your decision to make whether or not to have a destination wedding. I don't think that there's anything wrong with having an open and honest discussion with your FSIL though. That's what healthy relationships are based on, but I woudn't force an issue that's not your business.

kristi-ji · February 2010

I think that everyone on this post has had incredible insights. There really is no right or wrong way to go about it. You know your brother better than anyone, and should always feel comfortable voicing any concerns to him. That said, you do have to keep in mind that it is HIS wedding, and the reasons behind the decisions he and his fiance have made are usually layered in many emotions, discussions, thoughts, and careful planning.
While my wedding isn't a destination wedding for me and my FI (we live in the mountains!) It is for our family and friends coming from Ohio and Chicago. We made the decision to have the wedding in the mountains simply because it embodies so much of what we share as a couple. We wanted to share that joy with our family and friends.
A few people expressed concerns and while appreciated, it was frustrating. It is our day, our life, our future. This would be the only time our families could come together at one time to witness our life together. That was important to us.
We were well aware that many people could not attend (second cousins twice removed, that kind of thing - our parents, siblings and grandparents would, to quote, "walk over hot coals to see us") Which widdled our guest list down to our immediate family and closets friends - around 60 guests all together. For a mountain wedding in a remote area, it made sense to keep the guest list small and therefore, spend more time with our immediate family. For our friends and family who can't make it, we are embarking upon a roadtrip tour of the east! complete wiht mulitple BBQ and backyard parties the month before our wedding.
The best of both worlds! A client of mine is also having a destination wedding in St. John and a Reception back the states - as she put it - who could resist the opportunity to celebrate twice? THink of it as an amazing opportunity to keep the party going!

fuzznix · February 2010

As a bride planning a destination wedding now, I say just give your brother a heads up. A politie "Hey you know gramdma is concerned about not being able to get there," kind of thing. For my fiance and me, our families are the most important guests at our wedding. I think it all depends on where your SIL wants to have the wedding. There can always be compromises, but those compromises do have to be between the groom and the bride (unless your brother left you in charge of his planning duties).

Ideally I wanted to elope in Vegas or get married in Hawaii because I didn't want a whole bunch of people or a big ordeal made out of my wedding, but I compromised. We're getting married in MT where he and his parents have spent a lot of summers instead. They have lots of friends in that area and know a lot of vendors. It's like a quasi destination wedding.

And yes, it's a bit of pain for my family in VA to make it to the wedding, but I'm paying airfare for the ones who I want to be there the most (It still comes out cheaper than planning a wedding at home where I would end up inviting at least 20 extra people. 20 people at even $50 a plate is alot of money). Airfare for three or four peple is perfectly doable when you approach it that way. We're having our wedding on a holiday weekend, so people will have to take less time off from work. Our small group of friends (6 or 7) are splitting the rent for a townhouse for the week.

Like I said there are compromises. For those members of my family who can't make it, we are having our wedding filmed and are sending the DVD to those family members along with a wedding album. Then my husband and I will be visting those family members indvidually.

You are the best man. Your job is to look out for the groom. If you think your brother really wants those family members there let him know. If you've already mentioned it to the bride, don't bother bringing it up again. She may change her mind too after she realizes how much of a pain a destination wedding really is. I don't think you are overstepping at all. If I was alienating my family or my fiance's family, I would want someone (particularly my FBIL and/or the BM) to bring me down to earth. Politely bring me down to earth though. I don't quite see why so many people are jumping down your back about it. Maybe you should steer clear of bridal messages boards as they are likely crawling with diva bridezillas

.

sdvora · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-bm-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:73727c51-4207-415d-98a4-0456dbbee36fPost:ebf60866-2122-4765-b95f-975553d5a4d0">Re: I'm a BM and I have a question...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm a BM and I have a question... : svdora: as someone who's recently been MOB and who was MOG two years ago, I can tell you that I would crawl across hot coal laced with broken glass to be at my children's weddings. Friends? maybe not. Nieces and nephews? I've gone to the all, but wouldn't venture out in a blizzard. My children? Anything I'd have to do to attend their wedding.... =)
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Children? I absolutely understand. But my experience with grandparents and uncles and aunts and cousins is that you see them once every few years (at least in my family, that's the case), if that. It's those that I don't understand. :)

sohappyforthem369 · February 2010

When is the wedding? If it's a year out the family can save. I'm in a DW and I don't have a problem with it because I knew almost a year in advance and I could prepare. Even on a fixed income depending on the location they could save 1k in a year and if not since it's important to you - you can save the difference.

DW - means not all will make it and not all are expected to make it. My motto is if you can make it great but at the end of the day you only need 3 people at the wedding: me, FI and person who marries us.

If he's been away for 5 years and left at an early age is he close to your family?
I will say I had an intimate wedding with 20 people and there are people to this day (5 years later) who are upset that they didn't get an invite - I care but I made the best decision for me and my FI and I'm sure that's what your brother will do, just support their decision.

tenofcups4me · February 2010

I'd talk to your brother -- email or send a letter, however you can communicate, and just give him a "heads up" on the family members and their financial concerns. If she's doing all the planning, it's entirely possible he hasn't really thought through the ramifications of certain choices and is just going along with what she wants. If the two of them still decide to have a destination wedding, then, sure I'd drop it. But he should at least understand what that means -- and it's entirely possible that he doesn't right now.

kellyandbilly · March 2010

Since he lives so far away and is out of touch with your family, I'd give him a heads up. He probably doesn't know what the situation is and will probably thank you for bringing it to his attention. I don't think there is any harm in that. If he tells you thats ok with him that everyone can't come, then thats that, but at least he'll be aware that he is hurting his family. If i were you and I didn't tell him and then he got all the "no"s and was sad b/c he had no idea, I'd feel really bad that I didn't say anything.

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