Just Engaged and Proposals

Is it terrible that I don't want a reception?

And not only that but I would have to have two. One here for his family and then one for my family all the way across the country. Is it selfish to just secretly get married and not have anyone there?

Re: Is it terrible that I don't want a reception?

  • I dont think it is "selfish" to not want a reception. Receptions are supposed to be all about celebrating you and your then husband and the new life you will share together. If the whole time, all you can think about is that you are hating that you are having it, it will probably make for a not-so-fun evening. Receptions are really for the guests, if you think about it. It is celebrating you, but really entertaining and celebrating your family and friends as well. So you have to take into account all that receptions are "supposed to be for," and then choose if you still do not want it. If you choose not to have one, it is not a selfish choice, but be prepared for your family and friends to be a little bummed; I know mine would be.

    You did however, only say not having a reception, not having a real ceremony. So is eloping altogether what you meant? There have been times during my planning, when I have thought to myself "uggh...we should just elope," because it would be so much easier, but then I thought about how happy I am going to feel on our big day surrounded by all our friends and family when we start our new life together. <3  But it is what YOU want that should matter...and that is not selfish. <3 
  • It's okay to not want a reception, but don't plan on having a big wedding (or really, anything other than JOP) if you don't want to throw the party.  Inviting guests for a 15 minute ceremony and then a pat on the cheek to go home is rude. 

    Also, why can't either family travel?  I'm confused.  There is no need for 2 receptions, families travel for weddings all the time.  There is nothing that makes either side more important than the other, requiring you to come to them.
  • Not having a reception is fine so long as there are no guests at the wedding.  If you have anyone outside of your parents and siblings, you need to offer some type of reception. Even with your immediate family, a dinner at a restaurant following the ceremony would be nice.  As far as "secretly" getting married, how would that go over with your parents?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_terrible-dont-want-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:16a62423-c6f1-4634-b2c9-45ee51dfd6bcPost:4dcc2194-2416-4e53-a09b-14b6dd973cb1">Is it terrible that I don't want a reception?</a>:
    [QUOTE]And not only that but I would have to have two. One here for his family and then one for my family all the way across the country. Is it selfish to just secretly get married and not have anyone there?
    Posted by alwysbrdmaid[/QUOTE]

    Secret? That is not a good idea. Parents, siblings, friends might be upset if you just show up married. However, you can start hinting that you want to elope and see what reaction you get. Or go to city Hall, invite the VIPs & go to dinner afterwards.Good Luck and just talk to your family & friends and test the waters. Or do a DW and invite only the VIPs.

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  • You don't have to have a reception, but depending on your wedding it is considerate to provide the guests with sort of "gathering" (i.e. cocktails and appetizers, brunch). We are having a very small late-afternoon ceremony (under 16 guests), and just having an a la carte dinner for our guests afterwards at the dining room on site. We just wanted to have a more intimate, informal wedding.

    I am not sure I understand in your case why some, or all family if you did a location somewhere else or in the middle, would not travel, etc? People travel for weddings all the time.

    Anyway, if you do both want to elope (which is really what a "secret" wedding is), then elope but don't hide it from friends/family after the fact. Only you can determine how you feel about eloping, and how you will feel about the reactions from family and so on. For some families, eloping is perfectly fine (in mine for example) however in others it seems to lead to a lot of rifts.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_terrible-dont-want-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:16a62423-c6f1-4634-b2c9-45ee51dfd6bcPost:ceb05519-1145-43d2-ac73-306f25810ccc">Re: Is it terrible that I don't want a reception?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I Receptions are supposed to be all about celebrating you and your then husband and the new life you will share together.
    Posted by kimberlyphillips1[/QUOTE]

    That's false.  Receptions are to thank your guests for attending your wedding ceremony--i.e., the bride and groom generously recieve their guests.

    Think about it--you drive several hours, book a hotel room to see your friends get married...and that's it.  No food, no getting to spend time with them and catching up with friends, no getting to tell them how happy you are for them--it's pretty lame.  It doesn't have to be a big fancy party--even a small cake and punch afternoon reception will do, no music or alcohol required.  It's a time for you to simply thank your guests for coming, and it doesn't need to be a huge blowout you see on TV.  Really, it's a courtesy!

    If you don't want to have a reception, elope, or go to the JOP just the two of you.
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  • If you have guests you must host them for something (even punch and cake).  If you get married without any guests, no reason to thank them, so reception not required.

    And, no, don't do it in secret.
  • I HATE being the center of attention, so we're doing a "planned elopement" - our families will know, but nobody is invited.  FI and I will just go to a nice dinner after the ceremony and that will be it.  We did find a place that will broadcast the ceremony live online and we're looking into it because I know our decision disappointed a lot of people.

    My family, however, is pressuring us to have something when we get home. I don't want to, considering we're not inviting anyone to the wedding.  But I took a poll and 3/4 of the people we would invite actually said they'd be disappointed if we DIDN'T have something, so we're doing an informal brunch with none of the "wedding stuff" - just brunch and that's it.  I HATE that I agreed to do it, though.
  • Why not do a small JOP ceremony, invite iimmediate family, then go  out for dinner afterwards? You could also hire a cheap videographer, maybe, to show to people who don't come (aunts and uncles) if they ask to see it.

    My parents live 2500 miles away and they are still flying for my wedding. If they couldn't, we'd have it closer to them. Great-aunts and cousins, maybe not so much.
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  • I agree with a lot of the posts here, a reception or better stated "gathering" or some sort would be appropriate unless you are only having your immediate family members at the ceremony and even then a little party to celebrate would be nice. As far as having two, in the instance where you have families that live in different places, that would be completely fine. Two small gatherings in different states for different families so they can feel like they celebrated with you will make all the difference.
  • Don't do a "secret" wedding. My cousin did it and didn't tell anyone until his new wife walked in to have a prescription filled at the same pharmacy that his SISTER was the pharmacist, saw the very uncommon last name and flipped. After we all found out, his mom started planning a big backyard BBQ type deal just so we could MEET his new wife as a reception and he said "screw it, don't give us a party, just give us the money you would have spent on it". Not cool .Lots of hard feelings to this day and that was 3 years ago.

    You can easily just have a cake/punch reception, thanks for coming, type deal where you can mingle for a couple of hours. No one is saying do the big shindig, but if you want people there for the ceremony, have something, even if it is in the basement hall of the church afterwards. As a guest I don't want to just sit in church and watch and then leave, I want to go give everyone a big hug and congratulate them and their families. 
  • If I were in your shoes, I would plan to take off to a pretty beach somewhere with just the two of you, or maybe invite immediate family, have a quick ceremony and then celebrate over dinner.  Then hang out on the beach for a week.

    You certainly don't have to have a big wedding, but doing it secretly is going to lead to a lot of hurt feelings.  Just be honest that you don't want a big traditional wedding.  That isn't selfish at all.
  • fyi, the suggested cake/punch reception would not be acceptable during a mealtime.
  • Thanks you guys. I agree that I would have to have something small. I just don't want the big thing. And as much as an elopement is desired we already talked about it and its just not plausible. The problem with all of the family traveling is just funds. His family doesn't have a lot of money and my siblings don't have a lot of money. So we would do two small parties so we can accomodate the family. His mom was actually really good about the whole thing and said that its our day and everyone will work around us. Ideal but not realistic. You always make accomodations for family when you get married.
    Its just a lot more stress than I want in my life.
  • wow.  i'm really surprised by how judgmental the ladies are here on theknot.  you can do whatever suits you and your partner.  and if people love you and support you, they will get on board.  if you just want a small, private ceremony (jop or otherwise) with the two of you, and wish to send out an announcement after- that's perfectly acceptable and not at all unheard of.  it's not at all selfish for this moment to be just what you two want it to be.  anyone who thinks it is selfish has clearly gotten that accusation backwards.
    i think a lot of women get carried away with traditions to celebrate the institution of marriage, and lose sight of celebrating what is true to them and their partners.  don't be afraid to do something different.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_terrible-dont-want-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:16a62423-c6f1-4634-b2c9-45ee51dfd6bcPost:3fadc848-7c68-4a33-994c-a5fcca561c25">Re: Is it terrible that I don't want a reception?</a>:
    [QUOTE]wow.  i'm really surprised by how judgmental the ladies are here on theknot.  you can do whatever suits you and your partner.  and if people love you and support you, they will get on board.  if you just want a small, private ceremony (jop or otherwise) with the two of you, and wish to send out an announcement after- that's perfectly acceptable and not at all unheard of.  it's not at all selfish for this moment to be just what you two want it to be.  anyone who thinks it is selfish has clearly gotten that accusation backwards. i think a lot of women get carried away with traditions to celebrate the institution of marriage, and lose sight of celebrating what is true to them and their partners.  don't be afraid to do something different.
    Posted by jane.campino[/QUOTE]
    jane has reading comprehension difficulties. Hooked on Phonics is a good program from what I've heard. NOBODY said that eloping is selfish. But inviting people to witness the marriage and not offering something by way of hospitality smacks of rudeness.
  • I agree that you could just have a very small wedding with only immediate family and closest friends. Then just take everyone out to dinner afterwards. BTW, it doesn't have to be at the JOP just because it's small. You could rent a cute little chapel. Or just have a dessert reception afterwards, big money savings there. Just make sure you let your guests know in advance there won't be a full meal, so they can plan accordingly.
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