Should I invite my mom?( Long back story)

Tahlora · February 2012

I am having trouble figuring out what to do about my mother. She and my father split well over a year ago and it was over for them more than a year before that. He has moved on finally, it was rough for him, he adored my mom. He is getting married next year and having a baby and helping raise her little boy, I am so proud of him and happy for him.
My mom kind of went crazy, cheated on him, with his proclaimed "brother" and some other people and told everyone we knew that he abused her and she was afraid to go to sleep. My dad is a socal worker and is the nicest person, he never even allowed us to kill bugs in the house, had killed one fish in his life and couldn't be home when my neighbor came over to help me butcher my chickens.
She even had my sisters convinced that he was evil.
I wasn't her favorite person by that time, I had started dating FH and had refused a guy she liked more. She had started tearing down my FH and saying horrid things about him and I wasn't buying what she said abut my dad either. And then she said something i could prove wasn't true to my sister and I, which she should not have been sharing with her kids in the first place and I called her on it. She wasn't happy about that lol. But later I told my sisters and told them a few other things I had found out. ( I like to know things so had been prying) And they eventualy started questioning a few things she had told them that didn't add up.
About a week before she finally left we were celebrating a Bday and stoped at a bar to play some pool. My mom started hitting on these 'rig pigs' and brought them over to our table, I wasn't impressed, we were there with my dad and a sister and her man and some others and she was being rather obvious about her interset in this one guy and he was bein disrespectful to her and my dad. I had to convince my dad not to get into a fight, it was aweful, and my mom just kept at it, i asked her to stop or leave and she refused, and from then on started calling me , loudly, a horrible daughter, I had to eventually drag her and my dad out to the car, I threatened to call the cops on all of them.
And she told people in town that i was a horrible daughter, I actually have been yelled at by one of her friends, in person and on the phone about how bad a daughter I am.
I have spoken to her once since she left. My dad and sisters talk to her.
My question is should I invite her to my wedding? I am going to invite her mother, my granny, who she is still living with. But I don't know if I can stand seeing her, I will have to in a couple of months for my sisters wedding and I am freaking about that already and I am afraid of her being mean to my dads new woman and also what it might do to my dad, and me. And if I invite her will she think that I have forgiven her?
I am sorry this is so personal and depressing and long but noone will give me a opinion, just 'what ever i want'.

yellowrose314 · February 2012

If it were me, I wouldn't invite her... From the sounds of it, she's actively tried, and succeeded at some point in tearing your family apart. And considering that she's gone as far to lie and deceive your sisters about things with your dad, I wouldn't put it past her to create drama at your wedding.
If you haven't forgiven her, which is completely understandable, and you feel like it will put a big giant elephant in the room and a black cloud over your day having her there, then don't invite her. It might be the wake up call that she needs to realize that she's being childish, hurtful and vindictive to the whole family.

Good luck, and I'm really sorry you have to go through this.

sweetredhead · February 2012

My advice is really thinking about how you might feel in 20 years. Will you regret it more that you invites her and she acted crazy (judging on her past actions). Or would you regret not inviting her and not having her there despite her behaviors. Only you can answer that. Good luck!

katy0990 · February 2012

I personally would not invite her. I have similar issues with my mother. I know it is a tough decision to make. But I decided not to invite my mother for 2 main reasons.
1) I do not want to spend the whole day worrying about her behavior. I do not want to remember having to walk on egg shells on my wedding day for the rest of my life.
2) She does not act like my mother. I do not think she deserves to show up and play mother of the bride when she has not been my mother for years. Mother of the bride is an honor in my opinion. She cannot ignore me and cause problems 364 days a year and then think she has a right to be at my wedding.
I worried a lot about whether or not I would regret it. But, I feel better knowing it is my decision. Any time I question it I will remind myself of the reasons I decided not to invite her. I would rather do that than invite her and have her ruin a once in a lifetime event and kick myself for inviting her.
I know every situation is different. But, I hope this helps.

Tahlora · February 2012

Thank you laura and yellowrose, I have been leaning toward not inviting her, but as you said, I have time. And I have not forgiven her, she has not made any effort to speak to me in the last year and I am very firm in my choice and in my belief that she would need to make the first step. And just spoke to one of my BM/Best friends and she ran into my moms friend, the one who has yelled at me about being a horrible daughter, and got into it all again with my friend just a few days ago..... I don't know if it's just me but I think she should have given up on tearing me down by now if she wasn't still talking about my awefulness with my mom. So now I am all fired up again lol.

Sweetredhead and ladeolagoke, I don't think I can think that far ahead. I did used to be close with her, but about 6 years ago she actualy started to demolish our relationship. And it just got worse over time. I wasn't allowed to talk to my dad privetly anymore without her having a hissyfit and making him and me miserable till something distracted her enough. In 5 years, less really, she ruined my family and abused my dad. I wouldn't have thought it possible before it started.
Katy, Im sorry your going through something like this too

. And thank you for putting down your reasons, it helps knowing that I am not the only person going through it and having to make such a choice. Can I ask what your family has said about it and if you are inviting any of your moms side, you can Pm me either way.

And I talked to my dad and his FW last night after my friend and he was sorry to hear about what my friend had heard/delt with, he is still adament that it is my choice and that he will support me either way and assured me that he would play ref if I do invite her. But apparently she was rude and hurtful to my sister when she called to talk about wedding stuff, my sister is having parents be involved with the ceremony and was telling my mom what she thought would be nice to wear and where she would be standing and stuff and my mom blew her off. I think thats a huge bad sign..
Thanks again ladys

Tahlora · February 2012

So sorry my posts are so long, I was never very good at summarizing lol. I will try and start

OliveOilsMom · February 2012

You said your mom has only started to act like this over the last few years. Could there have been some sort of a mental break? There are some mental illnesses that don't come out until later adulthood. And since you refuse to accept her "reality" she is taking a lot of aggression out on you. Could you possibly call her doctor and see if he/she would talk to you. Explain what has happened over the last few years and just say you are worried about her. The next time your mom comes in, they may schedule some tests - if she agrees to them.

If you do decide to invite her, and I would be inclined not to given all that you have written earlier. Let someone in your family know to keep an eye on her and if she starts anything, have her escorted out. You can also use your sister's wedding as a way to guage how she will act towards you.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. . .

Tahlora · February 2012

My dad talked to our doctor before she left and he, our doctor, saw her a few times, but she wasn't willing to do any tests or admit something was wrong. My dad also had her see a counsler with him and alone and she still was dificult and unwilling to be helped or anything. said that she was going to live her life as she saw fit and everyone was to protective of her. She has a drinking problem and refused to see that too. I had some sessions with the councler too and she told me some of my moms veiws on stuff ( she had my dads permition to tell me whatever she was leagaly allowed from his and my mom sessions) and from my moms actions I don't think she will change, even if there is somethiing wrong with her she would never admit it.
I guess time will tell, but I think as of now she will not be invited. She, or I would need to drasticly change in the next 6 months and I honestly don't see it happening.
Thank you guys for your input an support. I feel alot less conflicted and guilty about it now. I will post a update after my sisters wedding and will try my best to be less long winded

katy0990 · March 2012

I felt the same way when I read your post, that it is nice to know someone else is experiencing the same thing. I am inviting my mom's 2 sisters, who I am really close to, but they have not spoken to her in over 10 years. My dad's family cannot stand her anyway (noticing a pattern yet), My brother has been on the same roller coaster as I have so he gets it. My dad was the only one who questioned me and I gave him the same reasons I gave you and he understood. Personally I think he is more sad it has come to this than sad she is not invited. He knows she did not come to graduations, counseling sessions, etc. The hardest part of it for all of us is that 3 of my minor siblings still live with her and they will not be there.
Go with your gut becasue it is YOUR day and I am here if you need someone to relate

kmmssg · March 2012

As others have said, you have time. I would look at the quality of your relationship when it is time to make the decision and go with your gut - it's usually spot on.

I understand people bringing up how you may feel in 20 years, etc but the way I see it is this: If 2 years down the road you are able to mend your relationship then great! It was her actions that prevented you from inviting her and you can't live in the past.

I would probably be very inclined not to invite her since this has been going on for a few years but you are the one who has to look yourself in the mirror and KNOW you made the very best decision for you and FI. I"m guessing I could look at myself everyday knowing I made the right decision not inviting her.

Tahlora · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-i-invite-my-mom-long-back-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:dfed5e15-0786-401a-bb01-bd34ca3ca2c8Post:86483a63-369c-4bc2-92c6-a1df84858e36">Re: Should I invite my mom?( Long back story)</a>:
[QUOTE]I felt the same way when I read your post, that it is nice to know someone else is experiencing the same thing.<strong> I am inviting my mom's 2 sisters, who I am really close to, but they have not spoken to her in over 10 years. My dad's family cannot stand her anyway (noticing a pattern yet), My brother has been on the same roller coaster as I have so he gets it. My dad was the only one who questioned me and I gave him the same reasons I gave you and he understood. </strong>Personally I think he is more sad it has come to this than sad she is not invited. He knows she did not come to graduations, counseling sessions, etc. The hardest part of it for all of us is that 3 of my minor siblings still live with her and they will not be there. Go with your gut becasue it is YOUR day and I am here if you need someone to relate :)
Posted by katy0990[/QUOTE]

I think it is nice, sad that people can act that way, but refreshing to know it isn't only your people.
Ok, whew. I am inviting my mothers sister too, we aren't super close but my mom didn't like seeing her so have only started seeing her semi regulary in the last 2 years and it has been nice. And my dads family doesn't care for her either, so I don't think there will be any issues there. And my sisters.. Well, I think they will understand, she has been hurting them(emotionaly) alot the last several months and the one thats getting married is kind of 2nd guessing her decision of inviting her now. But I think she is also thinking of it as a trial run for my mom, see how she acts around us all. My dad is super supportive and offered to hire a bouncer, undercover of course lol. I think he was mostly joking :)
I'm sorry about your siblings :( that must be horrible for all of you :(.
Thank you for sharing with me/us
Tay

katy0990 · March 2012

I am glad I made you feel less alone. It helped me too

Should I invite my mom?( Long back story)

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