Huge fight with fiancee

Re: Huge fight with fiancee

• KatoNorway

  

  December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_huge-fight-fiancee?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d99c7f90-3783-49bb-a871-b5cd35f6def4Post:b429629d-6e44-4e6b-bc67-a86cab7be602">Huge fight with fiancee</a>:
  [QUOTE]We just got into a huge fight and I don't know if it's over. We live together and I gave him back the ring. I really do love him, but tonight he pushed me over the edge. He went out and got drunk with a girl "friend" who he has a sexual history with. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about, but he blows me off. She's married with a kid, but that doesn't mean they don't still have feelings for each other. I don't want to start the new year with him when this is the year we're supposed to be getting married! Is this holiday stress or should I really be worried it's over? <strong>**Full disclosure** We have both been drinking, but we have never had a fight like this. :( I need fellow brides to tell me it's stress and to work at working it out or to run for the hills.</strong>
  Posted by RampageRayRay[/QUOTE]
  
  Yikes. First, wait for the alcohol to wear off. Then, talk to him about how you feel. I would probably wait until the next day. I don't drink, but I would be super pissed (just based on the information you have told me) and I have found that I usually regret saying something when I'm so angry. But, yeah this is a red flag.

  

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• TheDuckis member

  

  December 2011

  Run for the hills. It doesn't matter if he cheated or not. The issue is that you don't trust him, and you don't know how to fight without jumping to last resorts. You're not ready for marriage.

  
  Crap...I Mean Crafts

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• seesawgirl member

  

  December 2011

  I think you guys need to both sober up and calm down, firstly. If I were you, I'd go to him and say, "I'm angry, but I still love you. I want to talk to you after we are sober." Get yourself in a safe place, don't try to discuss this with him beyond what I just said, while you're intoxicated.

  
  

   I wouldn't be happy with FI doing this, but I have to admit, one of my favorite karaoke buddies is someone that I had a fling with (purely sexual) before FI and I were together. We're both in relationships now, and we're great friends, with no sex. You said they had a "sexual history", which, I'm guessing means that they were just F-buddies, not that they dated. They may not have feelings for each other, and just enjoy each other's company. I'd rather my man party with an ex F-buddy, than someone he used to LOVE, you know. He might be tempted to sleep with her, but he's not going to suddenly realize that he still loves her, like he might with an ex. 

  
  

  AFTER you sober up, find out why he went out with her. Did he plan this? Did he lie to you about where he was going? Was it just the two of them alone at a house, or were they at a bar?

  
  

  If he's willing to be honest with you, listen to him. People screw up. If this is truly the FIRST time he's ever done anything like this...I don't think I'd give up on love because he made a single stupid decision. 

  I'd say you two need to set some clear boundaries about what the two of you are comfortable with. It may not have even occurred to him that you would be upset, since she's married. Its possible that they just happened to be in the same bar at the same time, and decided to share a table. 

  
  

  If he DID lie to you, if they WERE alone, if this WAS planned, I would be more concerned, but until you know those things, I'd say go easy on him. 

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• RampageRayRay

  

  December 2011

  Thanks! That's helpful. I won't go into all the specifics, but this isn't the first time this has been an issue. Yes, they were just F buddies and you're right... It's better than someone he used to love. Still makes me want to vomit when I think about it. He didn't lie but when I told him it made me uncomfortable, he went anyway. I do still love him, but will wait until we're both calm (and sober) to talk. Thanks for calming my nerves just a little!

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• seesawgirl member

  

  December 2011

  Its possible that him and her are just good friends now. Try to see what happens when you ask to go with him. Don't try to go every time, don't make it an issue about the girl, just be like "Lets go out tonight, why don't you invite (whatever her name is)?"  From my point of view, if FI told me to never hang out with the guy that I mentioned...I'd honestly resent it, and see it as him being controlling and not trusting me. Fortunately this isn't an issue with us, but...I'm not going to be in a relationship with someone that tries to control my friendships, you know? 

  If you try to make it a group thing and he refuses, then THAT is a red flag. That implies that there is something going on that he doesn't want you to know about. 

  How does her husband feel about these rendezvous between the two of them? 

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• MinM

  

  December 2011

  I'm married and go out and drink with dudes I used to fool around with, and nothing happens. My H knows this & trusts me. Dukis is right...marriage requires trust. Red flags all over the place.

  

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• DG1 member

  

  December 2011

  
  Either you trust him or you don't. 
  
  Sounds like you don't.
  
  It's not generally a good idea to marry someone you don't trust.
  
  The ened.

  
  

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• StephBeanWed61502 member

  

  December 2011

  I'm sorry, if your FI does anything that "makes you want to vomit" there is a serious problem.  That's your body telling you to run for the hills.  You guys have poor communication skills and you don't trust him and he does things that are disrespectful to you and make you upset, even though they've happened before and you've (presumably) told him that they make you upset.  RED.  FLAGS.

  my to-read shelf:
  

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• RampageRayRay

  

  December 2011

  Thanks for all the advice. (Not so many thanks for the judgements.) Things are better and one way or another we'll figure things out.

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• seesawgirl member

  

  December 2011

  Glad things are better! However untactfully some people may have said it, it DOES seem like the two of you could use some premarital counseling to work on communication skills, and mutual respect and trust. Relationship skills are not innate, they have to be taught. Some people's parents do a great job of teaching their kids, some do not. Attempt to work on your weak areas. If he's not willing to work on his weaknesses, that is your cue to get out, but until then, I would look at this as a learning experience in your relationship. Provided, of course, that he hasn't been sleeping with someone behind your back. 

  
  

  I would also reccomend staying away from booze until you get these issues under control. Alcohol+shaky communication+ distrust= disaster. 

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