Should I be insulted??

jessica siena · January 2012

My brother's wedding is in a couple of weeks--He is my only sibling. He lives many states away and we don't get to talk much. Since he got engaged last February, I wasn't invited to the Bridal Shower (Either was our mother who lives near me) or asked to be in the wedding at all. I was invited to and attended the Engagement party where they live, which was fine, but still haven't received a thank you note for my gifts or the effort to get down there on a holiday weekend for their four hour party. When they announced their engagement, they decided on a destination wedding in Mexico...my husband and I would have a hard time trying to get there, but mentioned we would see what we could do to make it if my brother could forward us some of the travel info (I never received any info). Apparently my brother must have forgoten that conversation and has still not sent us a wedding invitation! Yes, the wedding is this month....I always thought an invitation should be sent to everyone even if they may not be able to make it. Am I wrong to wonder what the heck this new family thinks of me if I am not getting invited to anything??? My side of the family is very small, so I'm just wondering why we're being left out of so many things....please help me feel better about this!

AllAboutTheBenjamin · January 2012

I'd be insulted.

dumdumfroggie · January 2012

Yeah, you're right to be offended to an extent. You shouldn't have even been invited to the e-party if you weren't going to be invited to the wedding. Plus, not sending TY notes is super rude.

Or, did you actually receive a wedding invite? I'm confused on that part.

midgetthemighty · January 2012

Holly has a good point but I would at least want my brother to tell me directly that's what they wanted. If they are eloping, they shouldn't have had any pre-wedding parties.

jessica siena · January 2012

Holly--
They have a couple of wedding websites that list the venue, well wishes from family, bridal party members, etc......they are all so excited to be going to the wedding. My parents received an invitation last month, and they also had told him they were hesitant about going to Mexico. I wish they were eloping--that would make me feel better--thanks for trying though : )

Marina007 · January 2012

I'd be pretty upset - my FI and I are having a destination wedding in May for close friends and family, and we sent out save the dates a year ago, and kept everyone in the loop about where/when etc. If the wedding is this month, it sounds like they may be planning on eloping. Which is fine, if they hadn't implied that you were going to be invited. Are you close with your brother? Do you talk often?

aragx6 · January 2012

I would call him and ask if your invitation got lost in the mail -- it's crazy to me that they wouldn't invite you, and if they didn't want to for any reason, you should not have been invited to an engagement party.

Bec67 · January 2012

Call your brother

SunriseAmber · January 2012

I'd be insulted. You should call your brother and ask him what is going on.

aragx6 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-insulted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b820f95c-67fa-4c81-bcdc-0f443514707bPost:9a8bd08b-65d6-4c29-a25f-a396491bfdde">Re: Should I be insulted??</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I wouldn't be insulted by not being in the wedding party.</strong> I would be insulted/hurt, buy not receiving a TY note for the engagement party and being left off the guest list.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

Good point. Not being invited to the shower, especially given the distance, is also no big deal.

chelseamb11 · January 2012

Uh yeah. Not being invited to your own brother's wedding? I'd call him.

beckyboo27 · January 2012

Sorry your brother is being a total butthead. I would be inuslted if my brother failed to invite me to his wedding. Just because it's a destination wedding, doesn't mean he shouldn't give you the option to make plans to attend.

jessica siena · January 2012

Dumdum-
Sorry if I was confusing, I didn't receive an invitation--my brother had originally told me the basics about the wedding plans when he got engaged. I heard the bride's family and friends discussing the future wedding during the party all night.....how excited they were about the bachellorette party, etc......it was quite awkward

jemmini6 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-insulted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b820f95c-67fa-4c81-bcdc-0f443514707bPost:7413520d-557b-4f97-ba94-70134fc6336f">Should I be insulted??</a>:
[QUOTE]My brother's wedding is in a couple of weeks--He is my only sibling. He lives many states away and we don't get to talk much. Since he got engaged last February, I wasn't invited to the Bridal Shower (Either was our mother who lives near me) or asked to be in the wedding at all. I was invited to and attended the Engagement party where they live, which was fine, but still haven't received a thank you note for my gifts or the effort to get down there on a holiday weekend for their four hour party. When they announced their engagement, they decided on a destination wedding in Mexico...my husband and I would have a hard time trying to get there, but mentioned we would see what we could do to make it if my brother could forward us some of the travel info (I never received any info). Apparently my brother must have forgoten that conversation and has still not sent us a wedding invitation! Yes, the wedding is this month....I always thought an invitation should be sent to everyone even if they may not be able to make it. <strong> Am I wrong to wonder what the heck this new family thinks of me if I am not getting invited to anything???</strong> My side of the family is very small, so I'm just wondering why we're being left out of so many things....please help me feel better about this!
Posted by 905417262506915[/QUOTE]

This has nothing to do with the bride's side of the family and everything to do with your brother. It's his wedding too and obviously he's being an ass if he's not inviting his own sister...

calliopeia2013 · January 2012

I mean, wedding invites do get lost in the mail sometimes- call your brother and see what's up. He's your brother, you know, not some distant relation; it's not rude to check and see, given that you're not estranged and were invited to other wedding events. It might all be a misunderstanding too, like that he has your address wrong or something. Could explain the missing TY note and travel info, too. And maybe even the missing shower invite.

mari0225 · January 2012

I would call and find out what's going on.

Callmefia · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-insulted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b820f95c-67fa-4c81-bcdc-0f443514707bPost:3f52db88-efc3-4c5b-8b2a-383cb437362f">Re: Should I be insulted??</a>:
[QUOTE]I mean, wedding invites do get lost in the mail sometimes- call your brother and see what's up. He's your brother, you know, not some distant relation; it's not rude to check and see, given that you're not estranged and were invited to other wedding events. It might all be a misunderstanding too, like that he has your address wrong or something. Could explain the missing TY note and travel info, too. And maybe even the missing shower invite.
Posted by calliopeia2013[/QUOTE]

That was my thought too, maybe they don't have the right address and your TY and Invite got lost in the mail. Probably considered rude to ask about the TY but I might phrase it as "Hey, I never got a wedding invite or a TY from the engagement gift, so I thought maybe you don't have the right address?"

davidnance · January 2012

When my daughter was married 2 years ago, we had 3 invites that were lost in the mail. We followed up on those that did not RSVP and discovered they had never recieved the invitations. Interestingly, one of the invitations was returned to us by the post office--13 months after it had been mailed.. Call your brother!

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

The bridal party/bridal shower thing is no big deal... since you live far away and don't seem to have a particularly close relationship with your brother, I'm guessing you don't know the bride all that well, so I don't think it's bad at all that you weren't included in those particular aspects of the pre-wedding stuff. Also, as someone who is pretty uncomfortable with the whole "shower" thing, I'll point out that she may have just asked the hosts to keep the shower guest list to close friends & family only, and they decided not to invite out-of-towners - I understand why you might feel sad not to have been included, but I doubt anyone was intentionally trying to offend you, so I'd let it go.

As for the actual wedding invitation, I agree with PPs - Call your brother! It's pretty ridiculous that he wouldn't invite his own sister (unless you've attempted to murder him in the past or something, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here), so I'd call and ask if your invite got lost in the mail.

dumdumfroggie · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-insulted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b820f95c-67fa-4c81-bcdc-0f443514707bPost:d404604a-9d6a-4181-a9fd-950a034e57a8">Re: Should I be insulted??</a>:
[QUOTE]Dumdum- Sorry if I was confusing, I didn't receive an invitation--my brother had originally told me the basics about the wedding plans when he got engaged. I heard the bride's family and friends discussing the future wedding during the party all night.....how excited they were about the bachellorette party, etc......it was quite awkward
Posted by 905417262506915[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh in that case, I would definitely be upset. I'd be calling your brother and phrase it like PP said. "Hey, I didn't get my invitation or a TY from the engagement party gift, I just wanted to make sure that you have my correct address."</div>

TiffannieF · January 2012

I wouldn't have been insulted (if it were my brother) by most of your post until the no wedding invitation part.

For my brother's wedding they never sent me a TY card for anything I did and I invested about $800 into their low budget wedding, took a lot of time off of work, and coordinated the entire wedding for them. Never even got a TY speech. But I humbly took pride in what I did.

The bride nor your brother threw the shower so it could have been an innocent reason why you weren't invited to the shower....plus I'm thinking your brother probably told them not to worry about inviting his side since you guys live so far away (maybe he thought you guys would have complained, "We traveled for your e-pary, your wedding is in another country plus you want us to travel for the shower?!")....still shouldn't matter but your brother more than likely doesn't understand etiquette (not to be mean but just because he's a guy, he probably didn't think about it).

BUT the wedding invitation is just sad, hurtful, and rude. I would definitely talk with your brother. There could be innocent reasons why you havene't received the invitation and there could be reasons that need to be brought up....

GL.

ggirl2001 · January 2012

Um, can you ask your mom about this as well? I know in my family that I would be calling my mom to see what the heck is up. And, we would have been calling each other about details for travel plans as well. I get you're not close, but has your mom mentioned travel plans to you?

Birdie1483 · January 2012

I would call and find out what's going on. We had a few invites get lost and/or not show up until AFTER the wedding. I would find out if that could be the case first. If it's not the case, then my feelings would honestly be hurt. I don't know how close you are to your brother, but I can't imagine not being invited to my own brother's wedding.

mollyehren · January 2012

I would talk to your brother, maybe the invite got lost in the mail. If that is not the case then yes I would be very insulted.

jessica siena · January 2012

Hello again, everyone....just to clear some things up about my issue here:
The address thing is not an issue--last month my brother sent me a Christmas Card and a Birthday Card, so he obviously has my address and doesn't hate me for any reason : )
The part about not being invited to the shower or the bachellorette party--I know I live out of state, but I think I forgot to mention that my mother--our mother-was not invited either. My mom didn't receive an invitation to the shower. Why the heck wouldn't the future mother in law be invited to the shower?? I find it hard to believe that just because your mom or your sister live farther away that you wouldn't bother even sending them an invite? We both would have at least sent a gift if we couldn't make it..... I just found that out this weekend that she wasn't invited and that made me even more upset. I think my brother is letting his fiance do all of the planning and make all of the deicisions, but I don't know why he's not stepping in for certain things. My brother and I have never really been close, but we are surely not fighting or anything like that so this all just surprises me. At his engagement party, he got super sappy and sentimental after a few drinks and told me how much he wanted to keep in touch more and was upset that we don't talk as much. He was supposed to send me more info on the details of the wedding and never did. I understand that he may have a super busy life right now, but he's also leaving my mother out of some things and it's driving me nuts. My husband says I should just let it go, but I always thought that marriage was supposed to bring two families together and it doesn't feel like that to me at all. When my brother first told me about the destination wedding, I wasn't too excited about it because I knew how much money it would cost just for us to get there among other things, so I'm guessing that maybe my parents mentioned to him that we probably wouldn't make it and he didn't want to bother wasting the invitation. I think I'm rambling now, but I appreciate all of the comments--it's helping me work this out. Maybe I'm over reacting, but I was just excited at first to have a new sister and more family since mine is so small......Ultimately, you're all right that I need to call my brother, but I'm scared to and I don't want to start a fight or say things I shouldn't. I will talk to him eventually..... Thanks for all your help everyone

ski2play · January 2012

Talk to him sooner rather than later. Letting this fester is not doing you any good. I must admit that it bothers me that you have the time to talk to us about it but not take the five minutes to invest some time in the relationship you want with your brother and FSIL.

ElisabethJoanne · January 2012

Technically, the bride doesn't have final say regarding shower invites. Whoever is hosting does. To you it's odd not to invite the future in-laws, but others (like your brother's future mother-in-law, or some little church-lady friend of his bride) might see it as gift-grabby to send a shower invitation to people unlikely to come. I'd let the shower situation go.

As for no travel info - Yeah, it's a bummer your brother didn't follow through, but if you have all the details from your mother, you can make your own arrangements, maybe sharing a room with her, or planning on sharing cabs, or whatever.

As for no paper invite - In my family this would be almost normal, and it's upset me in the past, but my cousins have taken the attitude that an invitation to my parents covers me as well, even when I live 3,000 miles from my parents. And I had a friend who sent me a save-the-date e-mail, and I made bunches of travel arrangements, and then 0 invitation. I sent him an awkward e-mail 3 weeks before the wedding, and he explained that 8 people were preparing invitations, and mine fell through the cracks. I got an announcement 2 weeks before the wedding. People here in E would be up in arms about all the breaches of etiquette, but that couple did lots of things themselves, and the bride was very young, and I don't hold the situation against them.

So I wouldn't be insulted at no paper invitation, until I confirmed, from my brother or my mother, that I and my husband weren't invited, if I were OP's situation.

jessica siena · January 2012

ski2play-----Ok, I guess I deserve that remark, and I get what you're saying. I'm just a chicken I guess. My brother's never been an emotional guy and I thought his engagement would change things. Trust me, we'll talk soon, but I have to make sure I don't blow up or say something I shouldn't. Maybe there is a piece to this that I don't know about. Thanks for your concern though....my parents are visiting him this week, so maybe they will have something to tell me when they get back?

kristy888 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-insulted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b820f95c-67fa-4c81-bcdc-0f443514707bPost:def317f1-926f-4824-bae7-b589225592e5">Re: Should I be insulted??</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>When my brother first told me about the destination wedding, I wasn't too excited about it because I knew how much money it would cost just for us to get there among other things,</strong> so I'm guessing that maybe my parents mentioned to him that we probably wouldn't make it and he didn't want to bother wasting the invitation. Posted by 905417262506915[/QUOTE]

I wonder if this is the issue. You weren't excited about their wedding. Maybe your brother and his fiancee were hurt by your lack of excitement (or perceived it as negativity) and figured that since you weren't excited about it, and would likely not be able to attend due to finances, that they wouldn't bother sending you an invitation. I think you said the fiancee's family is super excited about the destination wedding...the opposite of your reaction. Maybe you sent the wrong message and they were hurt by it and perceived it as you not wanting to attend.

Simply Fated · January 2012

I do think you and your mother should have been invited to the shower, but since there is nothing you can do about it, you need to let it go. I understand you're hurt, but there is no need to be insulted. It sounds like you feel insulted because you're taking this so personally. Please don't feel that way. None of this is because you're a bad person or anything. (I'm assuming you're not lol) I'd call your brother and ask what's up. Are you two close?

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

I get being confused about the shower, because a single shower to which both sides of the family are invited is what is done in my circle of family/friends.... however, after being on TK for awhile, I've come to realize that it's very, very common for brides to have 2 showers, one hosted by each side of the family... they may have chosen not to invite you to the shower thinking that you'd be planning something for your brother's FI yourselves. In any conversation you have with your brother, I'd let the shower/bachelorette thing go and just focus on the wedding invitation issue.

Should I be insulted??

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